Disco Ducks, And Why I'm The Uncle Of Funk (994 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: 2 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lechuga (View user info) at 2005-02-16 14:39:46 EST
Recently, a friend of mine has turned me on to Disco. Considering I am not your typical Disco listener, this has become an increasing problem for me to hide. My roommate's ever increasing suspicion that I am a weirdo has become an everyday topic for conversation. I know she searches for them, hidden in my desk, underneath my bed, and concealed within my mattress.
Stranger still, she finds it odd that I have been taking several CDs to class, and into the shower. I wouldn't find it odd to have suddenly gained waist girth by several inches and have square, wet, pointy things coming out of my shirt, would you? I don't want her to discover my secret, so I must conceal my addiction . . .
It has grown such that I have bought several pairs of Disco shoes with live fish in the soles. She wonders where I go every Friday and Saturday night, claiming I have a fever, with a fuzzy, Zebra-patterned top hat and robe. "Certainly not Kung-Fu Fighting!" I tell her. Then I whack her with my cane. Dumb bitch.
An addict, I slowly have integrated it into every part of my life. I've been doing the hustle while walking to class, obscuring many people's view with my hat, and whistling early ABBA songs while taking exams. It was then that I found my Arch-Nemesis, a general in the KISS army. He and I approached one another, and attempted to come to an accord of our respective territories. He wanted the East Side, which I owned, and I wanted the West Side, which he owned. We could not come to an agreement. We were forever locked in what would be an earth-shattering conflict.
He began assembling an army of loyal KISS supporters through careful campaigning and corporate donations. I learned of his growing support, which far outweighed mine, and was fearful of being overtaken. Disco wins all, Deborah Harry says so. I must defend her honor.
Downtrodden, I struggled with ideas to win over members of the KISS Army, and get them to convert to my small, but loyal, ABBA Army. "He is a master Campaigner," I thought. But then I thought of something that will guarantee me victory: Merchandise. Free Merchandise. Everyone likes free stuff, right? I had to come up with an unlikely mascot, something that could strike fear into the hearts of my enemies, but also be cuddly as well.
It was then that I looked to the heavens and asked Maurice Gibb for guidance.
"Maurice, what can I do? I fear being taken over!" The clouds parted, and Maurice stood there in all his glory. "Duck," he said.
"Duck? What do you mean duck? Like the animal? What does a duck have to do with anything?"
Then the Frisbee hit me in the head.
I sat up and continued to think, as I rubbed my head. Maurice was gone, and I was forced to sit alone and contemplate my merchandising ideas. "Wait, a duck! A rubber ducky! Of course!" But this was to be no ordinary duck; it would be the mighty DISCO DUCK. Silver, it would have its musical allegiance emblazoned across its chest, proudly defying all members of the KISS army.
Three weeks later, I received my shipment of them, and handed them out, one by one, to passers by in exchange for allegiance to the ABBA army. Upon seeing me and not knowing my name, I was given the pseudonym "Uncle Funk." This was a name to be burned into history as the greatest disco evangelist of all time. I wasn't the King, that title was held by Harry Wayne Casey, with Donna Summer as his Queen. I was simply a pimp with a message.
Hearing upon my conquests with the ABBA Army, the KISS Army began advancing on the East Side. I rallied my troops, as we prepared for a break-dance battle for the ages. "My friends!" I shouted. "The time has come to once and for all for Disco lovers everywhere to come out and shed their fear of the menace that is the KISS Army! For today, they shall be defeated!" All held their ducks high in defiance of Gene Simmons.
The battle was long and bloody. Spikes and bell-bottoms were everywhere. Fish lay dead, free from their pediatory prisons, but unable to breathe in the blood-tinged air. Several Disco Ducks lay covered with war paint. As I trolled amongst the dead, I saw the General himself lying in a pile of Disco Ducks and bell-bottoms. He was severely wounded, with "Staying Alive" stuck in his head.
"General!" I shouted. "Your time has come!" He picked up his part-ax, part guitar and lunged at me, slicing my Fuzzy hat in half as I ducked out of the way. He swung again as I turtle spun to safety. Cane in hand, I was going to avenge the casualties of my ABBA Army. I danced around him, smacking his legs, and bringing him to his knees. The face paint and metal space-warrior style armor nearly gone, I realized he was just a man, and nothing more.
I offered him peace, which he accepted gracefully. Now unified, the East and West Side no longer need fear each other. The KISS and ABBA Armies were no more. Only the KIBBA Army stood. The remaining members of each army quickly unified, and the land was now safe from further musical and break-dancing conflict.
I decided to hang up my Fuzzy hat and live a life of disco solace, without fear of being laughed at. I had retired, and the seeds of musical acceptance had been sown. I now rest on my laurels as one of the greatest funk masters of all time. Funkmaster Flex, or "Uncle Funk," as the KIBBA Army called me.
As for the General of the KISS Army, he went on to produce debut album of the KISS tribute band, SMOOCH. Some Disco Ducks are still floating around, and if you look hard enough, you just might find one.
User Reviews
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-07-24 18:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-28 02:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This sounds like a story Jesus would approve of.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-04-29 08:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True story?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-29 07:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"pediatory prisons"... That where they send all of them pedophiles? To live in Disco shoes?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-26 11:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure gold, my friend.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-27 21:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (user info) at 2005-02-20 05:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-20 04:38:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2005-02-17 16:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-02-16 21:37:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Give me and harmlessness a linkwhore for the title, chump.
----------------------
No, fuck that. I made the title but neglected to write it because I was on the phone with my girl.
You didn't think of the fucking title.
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-02-16 23:17:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hurray for Disco Duck.
+2 get.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-02-16 21:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Give me and harmlessness a linkwhore for the title, chump.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-16 21:04:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait... You let the KI be the first letters in the combined Army?
WHAT KIND OF A PUSSY ARE YOU????
-2PANSYMAN!
Oh, I kid. I'm just mad at everyone who makes me laugh, because hurt ribs sukxor.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-02-16 19:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most excellent.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-02-16 16:36:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the dancing queen.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2005-02-16 16:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We both rule.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2005-02-16 16:10:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT! You rule, I mean.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2005-02-16 16:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I rule.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-16 16:03:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
RAWK.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:36:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:17:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality merchandise.
Disco "Shrew" will always be my mascot (One of the "treehouse of horror" episodes)
-Dave
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I read something similar to this last night.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:04:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I play with my disco duck all the time.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:04:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the hell? I forgot the penis? You guys are awesome, but make sense, please.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:45:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
YOu forgot the penis
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOu forgot the penis
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's a fact:
you can dance
you can jive (of course, while having the time of your life)
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:41:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaaha
AWESOME