My Neighbors Think I’m Gay – Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That. (1418 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (View user info) at 2005-02-17 11:38:33 EST
As fate would have it, I overheard my neighbors talking about me after I walked past them on the way to my condo last night. You see, all of the upstairs units have an entryway, and a hallway going upstairs. There is a row of mailboxes outside, which is right in front of the doorway to my unit. For the most part, I would never hear a discussion taking place outside while I'm upstairs, but last night, after passing a few of my neighbors and going inside, I got halfway up the stairs and realized I had forgotten my mail. I was about to open the door and head outside again, when I heard the murmurs from the three grad school girls who rent the condo under mine talking with the girl who lives in the unit next to me.
"I don't know I'm pretty sure he's gay."
Hmm, are they talking about me? Maybe it's someone else.
"Because I saw some guy go to his condo on Valentine's Day."
Aha! Yes, they were talking about me. It was true, a friend of mine stopped by because I told him I had rented Napoleon Dynamite, and we were both interested in finding out what the buzz was about. His girlfriend is currently in London, and I'm single but I had plans to go out with a female friend after she got off work at 11:00. We both had a couple hours to kill and we didn't give a shit what day it was.
I can see why they think I'm gay. When I was moving in, one of the girls downstairs gave me hand with some of my shit, and she ended up carrying a cardboard box filled with men's grooming products. I'm talking hand crèmes, aftershave healing gel, aftershave lotion, a bunch of shit that my friend who works at Estee Lauder gave me (from their men's line, dipshits), hair gel, pomade, fifteen different colognes, etc. So I guess that's pretty gay of me. My sister calls it metrosexual (my mom thinks that means I am gay).
On top of all that, I can't help it if I dress with a sense of style. There's a casual dress attitude at my workplace, so I get to wear whatever I want everyday. I choose to look like the guys in Esquire Magazine because it makes me feel confident. When I go to a store in the mall, I always ask the gay guy for his opinion regarding different items. People often times think they should ask a female employee. Bad idea - they don't actually have to wear said clothing - the gay guy does. I don't care if you think my LaCoste wool knit sweater is ghey, the girls love to touch it and I like to let them. Plus it looks snazzy (did I just say that?).
So here I am, standing behind the door to my condo, ready to bust out and tell these women that I'm straight and I'll prove it by having sex with any of them right here, right now. But I started thinking about something: when I was in college, there was this house across the street from mine filled with girls (we called them the SOC's - Sluts On the Corner). There was this homo kid that was over there constantly, cooking dinner with these girls, watching movies with them, sleeping over at night... One time I was at a party there and some of the chicks were talking about how great it would be if Ben were straight, since he was such a waste of a good man.
So maybe I can try to play that angle. I don't know much about the three chicks that live below me, other than the fact that they are grad students at SUNY Stony Brook and that I'd definitely sleep with 33.3% of them, and under the influence, 66.6%, and intoxicated probably 100%. What I can probably do is hang out with them a few times, act gay, then one night get completely smashed with them and have a ridiculous orgy. Better yet, since they think I'm gay I could probably get them to start hooking up each other and doing lesbo shit in front of me. Then I'll just jump right in. It's almost too perfect.
Okay, I'm definitely doing it. Expect more posts on this as breaking news develops. This could turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. I've conquered every realm of sexual desire except for an orgy with multiple females. It has to be done. It is my destiny...
User Reviews
Submitted by Revolutionman (user info) at 2005-03-03 21:31:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
keke
Submitted by Filth_mg (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not really, I just happen to know him first hand.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-24 08:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well thanks, Filth_mg, from the looks of him, it wouldn't be quite fair if I went after him. Besides, I haven't heard from him in a while so I think he decided to drop it. Anycase, there's many more people here who I'd love to get such information from, so I'll turn to you. You seem to know your shit!
Submitted by Filth_mg (user info) at 2005-02-24 01:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, in any case, his phone number is (503)-359-0704, aim screen name is Damaged1991. I could give you an exact address, but you've got the number ;). I'm just giving reasons for the little bastard to hate me. http://www.ubersite.com/m/52510 that is what he Really looks like. I don't know why his pussy ass decided to say he was somebody else.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-23 14:55:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Filth_mg (user info) at 2005-02-22 23:23:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
DustBrothers name is Ian Dorsey, lives in Cornelius Oregon.
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Shenanigans, I www.whitepages.com-ed him and it told me that Ian Dorsey of Cornelius OR is approximately 77 years old. No one that old can use a computer.
Submitted by Filth_mg (user info) at 2005-02-22 23:23:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
DustBrothers name is Ian Dorsey, lives in Cornelius Oregon.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:38:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, guys, I fucked this up already by taking a chick home with me at 3AM on Saturday - the neighbors were out on their balcony playing a game of asshole and they saw me stumbling back with this chick.
Fuck!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i hope your dreams come true!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:08:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LeggsTitsenarse (user info) at 2005-02-17 17:12:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Better yet, since they think I'm gay I could probably get them to start hooking up each other and doing lesbo shit in front of me. Then I'll just jump right in. It's almost too perfect"
OR They have a bi male friend who "slips it in" when your back is turned. Another warning: If you try matching the appearance of the "magazine man" you get shallow girls.
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I'll watch out for it, thanks.
I don't care much about getting shallow girls 'cos I'm only gonna fuck 'em for one night.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-02-17 22:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
G
H
E
Y
You ain't go no alibi..
You is homo...
You is homo...
You is homo...
You is homo...
You is homo...
etc...
Submitted by LeggsTitsenarse (user info) at 2005-02-17 17:12:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Better yet, since they think I'm gay I could probably get them to start hooking up each other and doing lesbo shit in front of me. Then I'll just jump right in. It's almost too perfect"
OR They have a bi male friend who "slips it in" when your back is turned. Another warning: If you try matching the appearance of the "magazine man" you get shallow girls.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-17 16:46:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:33:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
God, who topped off this guy's gay tank with premium gay this morning?
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My god Donkey you are hysterical.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-17 16:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
AIM: dgboarder1 (that shit is OG AOL from like dial-up 1992 - classic shit. My sister made up the AOL name without asking me, it basically means nothing, like the name Butch)
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What, I don't satisfy you anymore?
Go to hell, then.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
also. aim managed to murder some of my buddy list... aim me so i get your name again.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and you called me gay, ha!
I use the words 'fabulous' and 'stellar' often.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:03:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:59:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
"...then one night get completely smashed with them and have a ridiculous orgy."
at what point does an orgy get ridiculous?
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I don't know, I tend to overuse the word "ridiculous" in regular speech. It's redefined to mean something closer to lines of "insane" or "amazing"
Examples:
"Did you see that Ferrari? Ridiculous!"
"That asshole makes ridiculous money"
"Twenty six inch rims? That shit's ridiculous"
"I busted a ridiculous 720 off the kicker at Loveland Pass"
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:59:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...then one night get completely smashed with them and have a ridiculous orgy."
at what point does an orgy get ridiculous?
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:54:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!
The same thing happened to me in college - shared a place with three other guys and we were all neat freaks. We had to put up a poster of a swimsuit model in our front room to dispel the myths. Your idea is better.
Submitted by epiphany (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Or you could....invite the grad school chicks over to watch you glory hole some random uber ghey menz. That would definitely sell them on the ghey facade. Sinner.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"My sister calls it metrosexual (my mom thinks that means I am gay)."
My mother doesn't really get the metrosexual concept either. As far as I can tell, she thinks it means "gay but doesn't know it or hasn't accepted it."
*shakes head*
But then again my mother also once referred to my brother as a wigger (which he is), so I guess I should give her the props she deserves for being up on the trendier lingo half the time.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:34:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
giganuts...
i felt saddened after i read this. prior to this, I thought you were a badass womanizer "asshole-type-but-really-a-good-guy", exactly like some of my friends from college.
now i think you're more like my gay roommates.
i believe that you're not gay, but pounding some mcsorleys with us this weekend to prove it wouldn't hurt.
<looks down and shakes head> metrosexual...<continues to shake head>
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I wish I could go, but it's my friend's birthday this weekend and she wants me to go to Posh is Garden City, which is a club filled with high-class whores that will fuck you for your Mercedes. It's less than a half hour train ride to Mineola, and a five minute cab ride to that club. You have to either bring girls, dress like your the man, or tip the fuck out of the doorman to get in.
http://www.poshultralounge.com/
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:28:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:08:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe you could convince them to have sex with you in order to change you like the chick did in "Saved".
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a silver lining on every cloud. Even the I'm-not-gay-but-straight cloud
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:36:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
What if one of the girls turns out to have a penis?
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Umm, uhhh...
Ehh, Ummm,
hupof 9u8gbns=q35h qtgnsfhj
(my head just exploded)
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Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:28:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you thin, single and neat?
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Single and neat, yes, thin is a relative term - I'm 5'11", 195lbs, but with a small amount of body fat. Muscular and well proportioned would be better...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Whhhhoooooaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:55:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bambi went on to tell me that she could make all of my fantasies come true. And I said, 'Even the one where Mickey Mouse is jackhammering Jesus Christ in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart, while Garth Brooks gives birth to something resembling a cheddar cheese log, with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum?' Seven beers and $20 later, I'm parking the beef-bus in tuna-town, if ya know what I mean. I got to nail her back at her trailer. Hey, that rhymed. I have to admit; it was even more of a turn-on when I found out she was doing me to buy baby-formula."
-Jimmy Pop
The comic genius that is.
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bang! +2 for gheyness
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What if one of the girls turns out to have a penis?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
giganuts...
i felt saddened after i read this. prior to this, I thought you were a badass womanizer "asshole-type-but-really-a-good-guy", exactly like some of my friends from college.
now i think you're more like my gay roommates.
i believe that you're not gay, but pounding some mcsorleys with us this weekend to prove it wouldn't hurt.
<looks down and shakes head> metrosexual...<continues to shake head>
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God, who topped off this guy's gay tank with premium gay this morning?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you thin, single and neat?
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:24:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha good one.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:11:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Lets see,
metrosexual
snazzy
SOC's (gay acronym)
I would have to say your neighbors are right.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:18:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Plus it looks snazzy (did I just say that?).
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The above statement proves you have the ghey. That, and your obsession with anal.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:15:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorr I meant to rate this.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:11:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lets see,
metrosexual
snazzy
SOC's (gay acronym)
I would have to say your neighbors are right. Go ahead with your scheme though, they will probably introduce you to someone who will get you out of the closet. Don't be ashamed, it is okay for you to love the cock as long as you don't try to suck the pants off me.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
my fav bloodhound lyrics:
You came twice last year like a Sears catalog
'Cause your last boyfriend makes love like Boss Hogg
Well now you're seeing me but soon I'll have you seein' God
'Cause girl I'll get you pantin' like you're Pavlov's dog
Like a DC-10 guaranteed to go down
But baby your black box is the one that I found
I'll give you the gift that keeps on givin' it won't cost ya any money
Then she grabbed me by the ears and said kiss me where it smells funny
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:56:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
+100 if they fall for the 'I've never been with a girl but always wanted to try' angle.
______________________________
Oh that bastard. I KNEW he was too good at cunnilingus to be gay.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Ghey (and snazzy) sweaters WOOOOO.
-Dave
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity
But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry
Scoring with a super model would be easy
Cause 'super model' means voluptuous but is also is synonomous with 'super dumb'
Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and soon I'd become
That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair
No it wouldn't be a week before I'm in her underwear
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks"
-the bloodhoud gang, "I wish I was queer so I could get chicks"
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:58:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Adam, I do not live in the village. If I did, I would definitely be gay.
So yes, it will probably be hard liquor... If I let them into my condo, should I hide the Sports Illustated Swimsuit Calender???
Submitted by standardeviant (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitly go for it dude. Tell them you need an opinion on what candles to buy for the apartment and invite to pier-one or wherever gay guys go.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:57:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is true. We do live parallel lives. Use the gay angle to your advantage. I have recently gotten a semi-hot female neighbor. I plan only on looking and not touching (unless I get real smashed). She's nice and has MANY hot friends. In two months, I have gotten to know two of her hot friends quite well. You need to get in with them good.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For a homo, you sure get a lot of random pussy.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:56:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the post....if it's true.
+100 if they fall for the 'I've never been with a girl but always wanted to try' angle.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nothing wrong with being gay.... i think you are just hiding it from yourself. no straight male would use the word snazzy, ironically or not.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This had me cracking up!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok one question:
Do you live in the village?
If yes continue to B
If no continue to A
A
======================
Be sure to incorporate hard liquor into your "plan" that way you can say you don't remember anything, and work the angle ALL over again.
B
======================
You're gay, come to terms with it and buy yourself a rainbow sticker
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:49:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your "how can I turn this to my advantage" attitude.
Good luck!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:46:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have them read most of, if not all of, your posts in here.
That'll solve THAT problem.
Unless, of course, you're full of shit.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:45:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Carpe Diem you big gay homosexual, you.
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your metrosexual ass better not fuck this up. Good luck, man.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the best Seinfeld episodes.
Please keep us up to date on what happens.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yer big gaylord