Vegetables are a girl's best friends - Collegiate Bright Ideas (8) (4378 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.95 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2005-02-17 11:54:35 EST
I apologize for the absence; work/life has been hectic. Time to write about some of the girls I've dealt with.
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There was never anything exciting that happened doing your rounds at Fordham's Lincoln Center Campus. Twenty floors two times a night through a building mostly made up of dancers, hopeful thespians-to-be, and the occasional straight guy. A converted apartment building, right next to Lincoln Center... for many the location and 'dorms' were the reason for attendance.
As an RA I wielded little to no authority. Or maybe because I didn't care, I wielded a bit more. Funny smell drifting into the hallway? Must be burning oregano. Loud music and happy voices? Theatre rehearsal. Until a complaint was filed, I figured it wasn't my job to ruin people's experimental years.
Then I turned a corner and tripped over a tall leggy brunette in nothing but a nightshirt... on her knees throwing up all over the wall. Almost breaking my wrist trying to avoid the chunky puddle of orange and green that was slithering down the wall and crawling across the floor, I somehow managed to land completely on the side of my face and slide a couple of feet along the rough carpet.
I left some of my best skin in the smear behind me.
Groaning, I pulled myself to my feet and broke the cardinal NO TOUCHING EVER rule. Pulling her long hair behind her head, I watched patiently, cooing like a mother hen as she emptied the contents of her stomach in the hallway. As she was a dancer, it didn't take all too long... but what she lost in quantity she made up for in color content and artistic flair.
Between dry heaves she managed to sobbingly choke out something about killing her roommate, very sharp knives and Listerine. I sighed the sigh of the Resident Assistant and pushed open the door, leaving the girl leaning against the wall, hugging her knees. Who needs bathrooms, really?
"Hello?!" I called, helping myself to some sliced carrots that were sitting on the stove. I was poor, and it's not like the job had many perks. "Anyone here?"
"One sec!" A voice responded floating from one of the side bedrooms, a lithe blonde girl emerged wrapped in a towel. "Yes?" She asked demurely with a hint of a southern accent.
My mind was screaming freshman, but my pants... were still shriveled from the contents of her roommate's stomach.
"Would you know why your roommate is vomiting in the hall?" Wow, look at my professionalism. Maintain eye contact, oh my god look at that thigh that is hanging out- EYE CONTACT.
"No, I wouldn't... I have company," she gestured towards her room where a high giggle floated out, dripping lust. I didn't know whether to drop to my knees and thank God for my life or to curse him for sending another one to the pink team. She waved her hand in front of my face, recapturing my drifting attention I subconsciously tried to stretch my neck far enough to see into her bedroom. "Ask Anj maybe?"
There was a third?
As the blonde disappeared into her room and my dreams that night, I knocked on the closed bedroom door where I heard blaring music just barely conceivable over screaming. After knocking twice, I let my hope get the best of me and I opened the door... to a girl jumping up and down screaming to some Nine Inch Nails song that I've forgotten since then.
I'm guessing it was NIN as parts of my memory get fuzzy at this point. Due to... due to... deep breathes. It would be nice to say this girl was large, that she was voluptuous... falling out of her underwear with an elasticity that almost reached the floor. Which each of her mighty leaps her skin would float out into the air, landing with heavy slaps on the way down. It was like she was performing for an invisible audience. Who somehow appreciated the concept of a whale's interpretation of Trent Razor.
Painfully turning my head from her hypnotically oscillating flesh, "Excuse me!" I screamed. Yeah, I definitely screamed. Loudly. In fear. The lesbians that had been dancing in my head seared away by a three second viewing of a naked Kodiak bear with breasts reminiscent of bouncing watermelons.
She froze, her mass settling around her as I took a step backwards. Her eyes held my death and I could feel my body break into a sweat that must be equivalent to the brave souls of Pamplona.
"Hey," I squeaked, popping a carrot into my mouth. "I, um... your roommate, puking, sick. Why?" Ah, there is that professionalism again.
She snorted. A foul sound that chilled my soul and made me drop my handful of carrots. Then, surprisingly she started laughing. A deep laugh one normally associates with Santa Claus, I know now why the song refers to his stomach as a belly full of jelly.
It's not a pleasant image.
'You FUCKING BITCH!' Her roommate tore past me and leapt on her, a gender reversed David and Goliath. "I'll fucking kill you, kill you!"
The behemoth fell to her back on the onslaught and I watched for a second before I saw the roommate going for the large girl's eyes. As I struggled to pull her off one sentence floated up above the rest of her shouts:
"I can't believe you fucked yourself with the carrots and put them back in the fucking fridge."
I looked behind me at the carrot slices littering the floor, then at the roommate struggling on her back like a flipped tortoise. Reflex took over, and my dinner spewed all over the backs of the struggling freshmen.
You would think that being covered in vomit and the possibility of losing your watch in a fold would have broken the violated roommates will... but I don't know... I didn't stick around to find out.
Falling against the wall I threw up on their television, then the rug, against the wall in the hallway and somewhere on the stairs back to my room. My vision was swimming, I was sweating. I was going to die, who knows what stray puppies had crawled into that cavernous vagina for warmth only to find themselves trapped and forced to survive on their own limbs until soothed by death's sweet pink embrace.
Falling into my apartment I crawled into the bathroom choking up bile. My roommates came to check on me and I just sobbed for a bottle of tequila. Swishing it around my teeth and gurgling for a solid hour. I laid my head against the cold tile, crying myself to sleep.
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Nowadays, when I'm out with a girl and they ask why I don't eat vegetables, I pause for a moment and ponder whether or not to tell them this story. Usually I just shrug and respond I'm lachanophobic... then I ask them to never ever ever ever wear the color orange.
Politely of course. I just hope they don't notice my shiver.
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Previous:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/56171 - Playing with Fire - CBI (7)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/55041 - It's NOT Cocaine... It's Flour! - CBI (6)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44226 - The Penis Sock Puppet - CBI (5)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44167 - Heil Penis - CBI (4)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/43887 - Penis Pulling - CBI (3)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40871 - Nair Fight - CBI (2)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40641 - Vodka 'Slip N Slide' - CBI (1)
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-17 15:05:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome!
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-03-23 02:01:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-11-18 16:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-18 09:34:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
<Note to self. Buy carrots on the way home>
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-11-18 07:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... that's disgusting.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha like this.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-11-18 06:48:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this post
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit, this fucking RULES!!!
Im still laughing!
(A+)^n
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-06-19 12:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm horrified!
And yet, strangely aroused...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-23 23:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yep. still awesome.
Submitted by Nips_Mc_G (user info) at 2005-04-23 23:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love the collegiate bright ideas series... any chance of posting more?
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-03-02 19:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonnieD (user info) at 2005-02-23 00:44:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've read all your work and this is the first I've rated.
Good stuff.
I look forward to everyone.
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2005-02-22 08:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by urbaneruralite (user info) at 2005-02-20 17:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Divinity (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:06:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking flab-ulous.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too legit to quit!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very nicely done.
not a bad series....
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:44:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-02-17 18:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:18:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why can't all RAs have your philosophy?
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You need to find RA's who are doing it for the room and board, not the power trip
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-17 16:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow....That's disgusting.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cucumbers, man.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:28:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:18:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why can't all RAs have your philosophy?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh dear lord...
I can see bowling balls in canvas sacks if I just close my eyes...
But I won't because I just ate lunch, myself...
Submitted by voken (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAZMAT suits should be required to go into that dorm room
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
um.
Wow.
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:45:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's 'Reznor' but spelling was never my strong point.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The life of an RA.. you poor poor man.
I think it's Trent Rezner though.. either way I'm sure you won't be listening to that jazzy-crooner brush-on-cymbol music anytime soon.
Submitted by alwaysoutnumbered (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:39:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ewh...hope she didn't have herpes or something. that could be why she was using a carrot.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
uhh...
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmmm......cheesy
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's wonderfully nasty
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:10:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope she didn't have a yeast infection.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:23:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I can't believe you fucked yourself with the carrots and put them back in the fucking fridge."
G. R. O. S. S.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just wrong.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Geez, all that's left for me to eat now is spinach!
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gross. Nice.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:58:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really didn't need to know that.
-Dave
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:57:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You bastard.
I'm actually eating two carrots right now as I read this. Seriously.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um.... carrot.........viberent vomit........beastial coed.......
+2 for sure
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:47:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, now the carrot is going to be in my nightmares. Thanks. Jerk.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:21:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually hate this shit but I'm going to use it anyway because it's appropriate:
OMFG!ROFLOL!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to admit...many decades ago, when I was in college, one of my girlfriends kept a Guinea Pig in her dorm room.
Consequently, she kept vegatables around for her pet.
Yup...you guessed it...I used to do her with carrot sticks when Shlongy Jr. was too tired to play..
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
a solid ubersite read, plenty of fine ingredients, just what the doctor ordered at 4 am
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I nearly choked when i read this, very good.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:08:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.... thanks for ruining carrots for me too.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bajiners heheheh
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:03:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaahah fuckin gross
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did that once, but it was with a cucumber.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there you are. i was worried you were never coming back.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59556
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:58:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So great...and yet....
<shudders>
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-02-17 11:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
THERES A FUCKING WHITE SLAVE TRADE IN NEW YORK DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ASSHOLE