Episode 5: "Are You Ready for Some Ass-Sex?" (1784 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.33 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Chronicles of College-Guy, Semester 2 (View user info) at 2005-02-17 12:44:33 EST
*THE CHRONICLES OF COLLEGE-GUY*
Semester 2, Episode 5: "Are You Ready for Some Ass-Sex?"
February 17, 2005
Since returning to college a few weeks ago, I've gone through a lot. Some of you may remember my problems with the football team last semester (1). Even though I told you that I made up with Todd the quarterback during my supposed final moments of life (2), quite the opposite is actually true. In fact, my problems with the fuckers continue.
In truth, everything was running quite smoothly for me until last Monday. Pulling in to the university parking lot, I found few places to park my car. The only spaces open were in a row that has been unofficially claimed by the football team. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't normally give a shit except for the fact that a handful of the bastards were sitting around, smoking cigs and chewing the fat outside their cars.
"Sam," I said to myself, "Who fuckin' gives a shit about these asswipes? Just park your fuckin' car already."
Taking my own advice, I pulled in to the first spot before me. Not long after putting my car in park, there was a vigorous tap on my window. Turning to my right, I saw a whorde of spiky-haired pricks in letterman jackets staring at me angrilly.
I rolled down my window, greeting, "Hey, fellas. Is there anything I can do for you guys?"
"Yeah," one of the big ones said, rocking on his heels and pointing at me. "You can fucking pull out of our row."
"This is our spots, man," said a spic. "Get the fuck out of here."
I smiled widely and exited my vehicle, calming them, "Fellas, fellas, there's no need to be upset. I have news for you. I met with Coach G______ and it looks like I'm gonna be joining the team for the next season. I'm going to be one of you guys."
"That ain't true," someone said. "Is it?"
"Yeah," I told them, nodding convincingly. "I'm going to be starting practice with you guys this spring and playing with you in the fall."
The group of primates looked utterly confused. They were unsure of what to make of my statement. After all, the brutes lacked the ability to dislike one of their fellow ass-jockeys. Yet, at the same time, it was me that was standing before them--the same person that had organized a gang to beat their asses in that alley back in December.
Quite stereotypically, the group of guys turned the other way and went into a makeshift huddle. What were they to make of me? Their sparkling group intellect had to make a decision.
"Okay," one of them said finally, breaking from the huddle. "If you're gonna be joining us, you can park here then, but not right now."
"Well that's just super," I smiled. "That's fantastic...There's just one thing though, guys. I was just wondering, if I'm going to be joining your team, what kind of ass-lube are we gonna be using. I mean, I really want to fit in, so it's important that I get the right ass-lube. After all, I'd hate to screw up and get the wrong stuff."
With that, I kicked the big one square in the nuts. The oaf grabbed his sack and slowly fell to his knees with a moan. As another one of the jocks stood to my right, staring at this kick in utter awe, I spun at him with a right. My fist landed square on his jaw and his head bounced off the side of my car like a rubber ball.
Being outnumbered, I hopped back in my car. Few of the team members were quick enough to do anything except for the spic--and people call them lazy. The jerk came running at me as I was getting in my car. In a rush, he reached out for me, hoping to grab my shirt before I closed my door. Did he succeed?
Well, in half part. The Latin meatpacker grabbed my left arm as I took my seat in the car. Yet, closing the door with my right hand, I slammed it shut on the spic's finger. There I was, fully inside of my car, along with one of the Mexican's fingers stuck in the door.
"Ow," he screamed. "Man, open the door!"
I looked to the asshole and gave him a big smirk. Starting my car, I put it in reverse and began to drive. All the while, the spic had to trot beside me. I began accelerating, moving faster and faster through the lot. 10mph, 15mph, 20mph. The team member was soon running as fast as he could to keep his digit.
"Please," he screamed. "Stop!"
And, feeling a bit of sympathy, I did stop. But, as I slammed on my brakes, the spic was not so fast. He fell forwards, flipping over his own arm and thus breaking it.
I opened my door and spat on the bastard.
"I'll just get the generic stuff," I told him. "I mean, lube is lube, right?"
With that, I drove off.
---
REFERENCES:
1) My feud with the football team:
Episode 4 - "First Fight at College" (Sep. 10, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/44668
Episode 8 - "College Wars" (Sept. 20, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/45652
Episode 25- "The Football Team Strikes Back" (Nov. 6, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/50785
Episode 45- "The Return of the College-Guy" (Dec. 7, 2004) http://www.ubersite.com/m/53636
2) My infamous fake death a few weeks ago (I still can't believe so many people fell for it):
Episode 82- "In Loving Memory of Sam" (Jan. 27, 2005) http://www.ubersite.com/m/57893
User Reviews
Submitted by mybrainisawaffle (user info) at 2005-04-11 19:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a gold star.
But your still my bitch.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-19 06:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm giving you +2 to encourage you... you seem to be getting tired of this formula- you could always write about something else?
Submitted by dudaculb (user info) at 2005-02-18 10:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dudaculb (user info) at 2005-02-18 10:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright it was funny
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-02-17 19:30:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-02-17 17:52:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
by far the best semester 2 so far. oh, the milkshake shenanigans were funny too.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-02-17 17:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
by far the best semester 2 so far. oh, the milkshake shenanigans were funny too.
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2005-02-17 16:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You used to be moderately amusing, and I rated you accordingly. But take this into serious consideration:
This is clearly fiction. Which, in and of itself, is perfectly fine. However, consider the next sentence.
This is clearly bad fiction. Ok. This is also acceptable. I've written my fair share of shit.
HOWEVER.
This is clearly fiction written by someone who has never experienced any of the things he is writing about. This leads me to believe that either a: you're a 15 year old kid who thinks he's writing something interesting, yet failing, or b: you're just doing this because you're piss bored and trying to get a reaction out of people.
Either way, I implore you: Please, please, stop now. I'm so terribly bored with you.
Your pal,
<4
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-17 15:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Get over yourself.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Cheesch...
Is that really the kind of problem you deal with at your college? I really feel sorry for you guys. Or maybe not?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-02-17 14:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't you die?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:34:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Guess you really want that MVA spot
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
eh
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
At least this one is better written.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:13:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You're a dreamer, aren't you?
What is it that makes so many people wish they could beat up an athlete?
Submitted by BludKake (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
When's Emily coming back?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:12:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A HA HA HA HA HA!!!
True or not, it's a great story...
Submitted by Johnathan_Brains (user info) at 2005-02-17 13:00:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not fantastic, but a lot better than raping little girls (please stop posting stuff about that).
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:55:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can see where the old stuff would attract people....
This is just getting to be too forced, man.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lube is lube, right?
----------------
Sam is angry and that turns me on.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:52:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
if you don't mind i'm going to be honest. This was average at best.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-02-17 12:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That was pretty funny