read it, rate it,.. I DARE you (729 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.69 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Delora (View user info) at 2005-02-17 19:51:04 EST
The night my life changed.
Being your typically untypical 14 year old, I was somehow actually in bed that school night. I shudder to think what might have happend if I had been out secretly drinking again. I was rudely awakend by a pounding on my front door which is conveniently(?) located right by my bedroom door. I knew it was the wee hours, and not quite sure of much else. Eventually, I stumble out of my room and tried looking out the window blinds before opening the door. My heart drops to my stomach as soon as i notice the uniform. Taking a deep breath, I open the door. I just stand there, waiting...all thoughts of family racing through my head. I was mostly thinking maybe one of my brothers has gotten themselves in trouble with Johhny Law. I didn't let myself think of death really, until my thought process takes in the uniform again and recognizes it for it's finality. It's not your regular officer ...but a state highway patrol officer...and he has his hat in his hands and a solemn business look in his eyes. I knew then, without asking.
He asks after my mother and whether she is at home and available. I could only nod, running up the stairs, almost in a state of shock calling out for my mother to wake up. She comes down shortly there after pale and visibly trembling. What happens after that is still rather fuzzy. I only know we were told of my father's death that night. I didn't hug my mom, we didn't even talk. She went back upstairs and I barely waited for her door to close before I ran to sit out in the cold September air to smoke a cigarette. I could barely squeeze the tears out, but they came. I don't think I was able to sleep that night. I don't even know who contacted my siblings to tell them.
I do know that when my mom had to identify the body, it was almost unreconizable because it had taken so long to get shipped here. I don't know how she did it. I wouldn't have been able to look at the remains of the only man I'd ever loved since the tender age of sixteen. I could go on about the dreams that started, about how my mom barely held it together, about how long it took to grieve and i mean REALLY grieve. But I told some of the parts that I still have trouble remembering and thinking about. My father's LIFE story was one of the best stories I've ever heard about, known about, and was mostly there to live. Almost far fetched in it's impossibilities. Things you'd think only happen in movies and such but I know that some of those things really happenend in his life.
In memory of my father, Clenn Paul H.
Sorry, I always mix my past and present together. Rather hard not to relive some of it though. And I don't give a fuck to fix it at all. So there. Be easy on me as it's my first story. Although, please don't be unjust either way. Honest critcism is held high in my opinion.
User Reviews
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:22:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm not sure how long i have to keep this probationary +2 brown-nosing horseshit up.
that story sucked mud from ass.
sorry to hear about your pops. one of the times my dad died, i tried sucking it up. when i stopped being a cand-ass i realized things were easier to deal with. sucking it up worked for me! i give that approach two thumbs up~
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/60012
What really happened
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit, this IS the female version of Shlongy.
Submitted by Delora (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:06:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well..i'm certainly not 14..or 16. Confusing you at least gave me a chuckle. Stories are stories. I was too busy winning the art awards in high school to pay attention to my creative writing class. I personally think I fucked myself over since I graduated in 11th grade and didn't need to attend the last year. Graduating at 16 may have sounded good at the time, but if I ever do life over again.... nah, I'd still want out of there by 16. Hey, at least I now know what a bunch of people i won't ever meet think of my writing skills. Thank god I won't have to use them much in the future. (; I'll just get to read everyone elses stories.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-18 10:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ouch. Come on people, the girls 14.
This wasn't brilliantly written, that said it's a real shame you felt the need to tell us about sneaking out to drink and smoke, it's also fucking rotten your dad died.
I would suggest that Ubersite is a horrible place for a kid just looking to impress people. Hell it's a horrible place for a fully grown adult to try and impress people!
I wouldn't bother with this place unless you just want to piss off a bunch of childish so called grown ups, and if you do wish to do that I would still go somewhere else, there's too many people doing that all day here as it is.
Submitted by DemonJack (user info) at 2005-02-18 10:10:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I dared.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:57:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
liar
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:46:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-02-18 06:44:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
You structure is all wrong. And you suck.
---------------------------------
And may I add: -2DIE!
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:42:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Being your typically untypical 14 year old..."
aren't they all? thanks for the chuckle
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:37:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This story sucked shit. Your structure is horrible, your grammar is atrocious, and your style in general leaves much to be desired. There was a comlete lack of descriptiveness, resulting in a boring peice of crap. There was nothing pulling me into the story, no reason at all that I wanted to continue to read it. The fact that you "secretly drink" has no place in this. It's an irrelevant and superfluous sentence, and it fucks with the tone of the story. Furthermore, you're 14. We don't think you're cool because you drink and smoke. We don't identify with you because we do too. It doesn't make you look more mature, it makes you look like an idiot. Most people don't feel sympathetic towards idiots.
That said, I'm sorry your dad died. I know how hard it can be to lose a father.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:23:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Delora (user info) at 2005-02-17 22:45:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
If you don't like my style, don't read it in the future.
__________________________________________________________
It's a done deal.
But since I bothered to read this one and you say you want constructive criticism:
1) Sort out your tenses. I don't care whether you give a fuck to fix it at all, it is lousy writing.
2) Space and paragraph better.
3) Be consistant with your tone.
It's far more fun to trash-talk people when you have a good record to back you up.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm confused as to why you were saying you were 14 and 16 in the same story? was there a time shift i missed?
There's my honest criticism.
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Use paragraphs and sort out your structure... I had to read this three times to make more than a vague sense of it.
Submitted by Soul-Fly (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I read it, and rated it.
Are you happy now?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 08:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Isn't trash talking more fun?"
No, not when it's over the internet.
(It looks like we have a female version of Shlongy on our hands.)
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2005-02-18 06:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-02-18 06:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You structure is all wrong. And you suck.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-18 06:37:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i've just fucked his corpse.
use paragraphs.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2005-02-18 06:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Didnt read it but I gather from the reviews its was a pile of shit
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2005-02-17 23:12:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yes it was, and I meant you'd get a -2 for the rest of uberlife if i didnt see a +2. but its my mistake. now go and bumb that +1 to a +2 thanks.
Submitted by Delora (user info) at 2005-02-17 22:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Honestly, isn't it fun to trash talk people? I find it quite entertaining regardless if I'm on the receiving end or dishing it out. If you don't like my style, don't read it in the future. I will do whatever amuses me and i suggest you do the same.
Rotten.. isn't that a bribe you just threw at me? (:
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2005-02-17 22:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EAT MY NUGGETS.
AUTO +2
now check out my stuff, and be greatful. If I do not see a +2 on my last post, you will get a +2 for the rest of your uber life.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-17 22:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why are all these people registering and posting things so that people will trash-talk them?
Are they masochists?? Just write and do it well, there's enough people here who are shitty, how about you buck the trend? You seem to have enough talent to.
Submitted by switters (user info) at 2005-02-17 20:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
really a +1, but this doesn't deserve a negative rating.
Submitted by Delora (user info) at 2005-02-17 20:50:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
o come on..be meaner. i live for REAL criticism. (; Think of it this way... I get off on writing like an incompetent 8th grader AND having you read it. Bring it.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-17 20:42:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was so poorly written it made me want gouge out my eyes with a wooden spoon; however, my father died in a car crash when I was 8 years old, so I can connect with this on a personal level.
If you write anything again, PLEASE use proper grammar, that's what makes a story different from a pile of shit. If I hadn't been able to connect with this, it was a -2... just so you know.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-17 20:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I f you don't care about spelling, punctuation, and grammar...how in a monkey's nuts am I supposed to give a shit?
Auto-2. First of many.
Submitted by Delora (user info) at 2005-02-17 20:05:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ouch.. i think. Well I did ask for it.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-02-17 19:55:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
If you don't give a fuck to fix it, why should I give a fuck to go easy on you?
Have some integrity.