This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You-- Tales Of The Ass Master (4461 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.59 on 74 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2005-02-18 02:10:35 EST
Growing up, I had my fair share of whippings. As the son of a military father, I tried my best not to screw up and get into trouble. Unfortunately, I wasn't immune from spankings.
It's not that I was trying to get in trouble. I was just a complete moron. At least once a week, I did something worthy of receiving an ass beating. I was on the receiving end of so many beatings that my dad actually kept a meter stick by his recliner. If that wasn't enough, he even painted it and named it the "Ass Master".
When I was 6, I made many bad decisions that resulted in a meeting with the Ass Master.
You know, if I hadn't explained it, that above sentence could have been mistaken for another meaning.
So, I was 6. It was Christmas day and I had just received the most awesome present a boy my age could ask for. A Jeep Power Wheel. A Power Wheel is basically a small battery powered car for little kids. I was having a ball, driving all around the yard and sidewalk in my kickass Jeep.
Please note: Running over your 3 year old sister in one of those things isn't as funny as it may seem.
Also note: Make sure your dad isn't watching when you decide to step on the gas and topple your sister over. Oh, and try not to let her body go under the small vehicle like I did. Don't worry, she was okay afterward.
I was sitting there laughing in my Jeep, when I'm suddenly grabbed by the arm and yanked out. My dad dragged me all the way into the house and tossed my vehicular endangerment ass into the chair. He reached beside the recliner and pulled out the meter-stick.
He stopped calling it the Ass Master after my mom yelled at him several times for the curse word in it. From that day forward, the meter stick was known as the "little guy".
After the beating, my dad always asks me what I've learned from the experience.
"So, what did you learn, Justin?"
"I learned not to hit my sister with my car and not to call her bad words."
"What? You called your sister a bad word?"
Shit.
"No."
"Turn back around. You know this hurts me more than it hurts you."
"Then let me give you a whooping with it."
WHAM!
Don't ever say that, by the way.
Fortunately for me, he was a military guy, which meant he'd disappear for months at a time because of TDY. During this time, my mother took over. Whenever she punished me, she never used anything but her hand. She didn't have the heart to fling an inanimate object at me with all her might.
The great thing about my mom's whippings is that they didn't hurt. Ever. I had to fake cry just to get her to stop. When she said "This hurts me more than it hurts you", I'd laugh under my breath-- because it actually did. She'd always ice her hand after every beating.
The Ass Master, now known as the "little guy", was getting more than its fair share of use. It was inevitable that it would soon break. When that day came, my dad taped it back together with black electrical tape. This made every whooping sting more. The name soon changed to Little Black Guy.
When I was 7, I did the stupidest thing ever. Something that would get me my most painful beating to date.
My family had just moved into a new neighborhood. To get to know the neighbors better, my parents had a huge barbecue and invited over the whole neighborhood. There were several dozen adults and even more kids in attendance. My toys still hadn't arrived on the moving truck, so I had to find other measures to entertain my new friends.
Movies. Of course.
Something I need to explain is this-- When my dad goes on TDY(Temporary Duty Yearly), he and my mom are separated for months at a time. Just like any adults, they apparently tried to spice up their long distance relationships. My dad would send videotapes back to let us know how he was doing. While we were watching, he'd give us the tour of the hotel, the tour of the military base he was visiting, etc. At the end of every video (for myself and my sister anyway), he'd say:
"Okay mom, get the kids out of the room. The rest is for you."
It's obvious what he would do on these videos after my mom escorted us from the room and locked the door behind us, but at 7 years old, I had no clue.
Back to the barbecue. I went upstairs and searched through all the boxes for any video I could find. The only thing set-up in the house was the TV and VCR, so we had nothing to do BUT watch a video. I finally found one, assuming it was an old home video and ran back downstairs to the awaiting children.
"Found one, you guys!"
About 2 dozen kids crowded around on the floor as I popped the tape into the VCR. It was my dad and he was giving a tour of the hotel on one of his recent TDYs.
"...And this is the shower. I think we know what happens here. Mom, send the kids out of the room."
Oooh, something I can't see. I knew I should have stopped the tape, but I wanted to know what it was that I could never see. So did all the kids.
Daddy-O takes off his clothes and jumps in the shower, leaving the curtain open. At this point, I struggled to get up and stop the tape. It's obvious nothing good can come out of a naked man filming himself in the shower, especially if that man is your dad.
I couldn't reach the tape in time. My dad entered the front doorway with several friends. When he realized what we were all watching, he ravaged through the group of sitting kids, pushing several out of the way and stepping on a few. After he stopped the tape, he turned and looked at me with the look of embarassment and anger on his face.
"Justin!! You just made the biggest mistake of your life! I'm going to get my little black guy on your ass!"
Several of the adults looked at each other, wondering why he'd threaten his 7 year old son with violence from a negro.
We didn't have many barbecues after that.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2006-07-10 16:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's obvious what he would do on these videos after my mom escorted us from the room and locked the door behind us, but at 7 years old, I had no clue."
It's funny how things from the past are obvious now but not so when we were clueless children. My parents used to tell my sister and I that they were fixing their bed. Then they'd lock the door and spend a half hour "fixing the bed." I never questioned it because every time they came out, the bed would be fixed and my mother would be smiling. I guess I always thought she was smiling cuz she liked having the bed made.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-09-23 20:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Missed this before
More gold from sideburns.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-09-23 20:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So, what did you learn, Justin?"
"I learned not to hit my sister with my car and not to call her bad words."
"What? You called your sister a bad word?"
Shit.
----------------------------
Bwahahahahahaha !! That was great !!
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-02-26 03:42:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had plenty of "whoopins" in my 20 years of mischief...but none near as funny as yours. Thanks for the laughs!
Submitted by urbaneruralite (user info) at 2005-02-23 11:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
At least it wasn't a belt with rivets.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-02-22 07:12:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Several of the adults looked at each other, wondering why he'd threaten his 7 year old son with violence from a negro.
================================================================================================
My Dad had an old military belt (Black dress belt) that was worn, and very flexible. Also, I was hit with flyswatters (Plastic handles), slippers, flip-flops...just about anything Dad could find. Yeah, he was military too.
Submitted by lizzard (user info) at 2005-02-22 00:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-02-22 00:16:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell me that my hot ninja body isn't what you'd want in a hot ninja sex situation.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-21 12:40:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, hick.
Submitted by ChronicMasturbator (user info) at 2005-02-20 17:40:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHAHAHHAAHHA
Holy shit. This is hilarious.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2005-02-19 20:01:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
when i was 7 or 8, my dad had a fraternity paddle with holes drilled in it and such that he used to smack me across the face, hands, ass, and stomach with. well, i beat the shit out of a mexican guy who was making fun of me. when my dad found out, he grabbed the paddle and hit me in the face a few times. my mouth and cheek was bleeding and my eye was blackened.
later that night, i took the paddle and doused it with gasoline, set it on fire, and tossed it on his bed. he still has scars, and he hasn't tried to hit me with anything other than his fists since.
next up- fists. a few months ago he got drunk and started trying to fight me. that would be the fifth or sixth time it's happened, and most of the time i don't fight back, i try to push him away. the last time it happened, i flipped out and started popping him in the head until he fell, then i walked away and called the police.
he hasn't hit me since.
Submitted by mybrainisawaffle (user info) at 2005-02-19 19:41:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you do it right, you only have to beat them once. Even better, make sure any siblings they have watch it.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-02-19 19:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's funny how your average funny story can get so many more hits and reviews, just because of the author.
hell, it worked for me
Submitted by B-Nizzo (user info) at 2005-02-19 19:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Several of the adults looked at each other, wondering why he'd threaten his 7 year old son with violence from a negro."
Pure gold.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-19 11:07:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-02-18 20:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:45:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In the Catholic school I went to, they had a hockey goalie stick, cut off at the bottom, and holes drilled in it, to decrease wind-resistance - that was an awesome mutherfucker to behold!
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus.
-2 for the bitchfest on this post.
+4 for another awesome Sideburns story.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:11:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed out loud.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-02-18 15:15:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember the days. Great story.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:52:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:24:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
Geek: just fuck off. Retaliation ratings BEGAN with Sideburns here. Look at my latest post, and look at the time of the first rating he left, then read what he SAID in that rating. HE BEGAN THIS RETALIATION FIESTA. Again, this is not your business, so fuck off.
Sideburns: You are fucking pathetic. Your posts are unoriginal. If you have to copy old jokes, then this statement is self-evident. You will determine what happens from here, but I assure you, if you want to persue this further, I assure you you'll get the shit end of the deal.
-----------
He copies jokes (with a twist), you copy whole musical albums (with a twist). And who is unoriginal?
You have multiple accounts, expressly for the purpose of running -2 trains on people's posts, yet he started all this? You're fucking pathetic, man. Unless you're still going to bed at night, praying for pubes, grow the fuck up.
----------------------
I have multiple accounts for a few different reasons, cheifly to separate my crap posts from my half-decent ones. Actually they are remnants from a time when a user named, "I_have_a_Kristen_Fetish" would spam me repeatedly. Spamming is far from their "express purpose".
In fact, if you look at my ratings, you'll see that I am always more than fair and am usually a very pleasant and courteous reviewer. All of this is immaterial and, again, is no more an indicator of who started this exchange than it is ANY OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS. So, again, OneCheapGeek, guy who knows nothing about this, FUCK OFF! Stop being Sideburn's patsy bitch, and let him fight his own battles that he decides to start.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, ETS-- I always end arguments or disagreements when I get my say. I had my say, so from my end, this little hissy-fit can end. It's you who decides if it goes further. I'm finished.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:24:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
Geek: just fuck off. Retaliation ratings BEGAN with Sideburns here. Look at my latest post, and look at the time of the first rating he left, then read what he SAID in that rating. HE BEGAN THIS RETALIATION FIESTA. Again, this is not your business, so fuck off.
Sideburns: You are fucking pathetic. Your posts are unoriginal. If you have to copy old jokes, then this statement is self-evident. You will determine what happens from here, but I assure you, if you want to persue this further, I assure you you'll get the shit end of the deal.
-----------
He copies jokes (with a twist), you copy whole musical albums (with a twist). And who is unoriginal?
You have multiple accounts, expressly for the purpose of running -2 trains on people's posts, yet he started all this? You're fucking pathetic, man. Unless you're still going to bed at night, praying for pubes, grow the fuck up.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Geek: just fuck off. Retaliation ratings BEGAN with Sideburns here. Look at my latest post, and look at the time of the first rating he left, then read what he SAID in that rating. HE BEGAN THIS RETALIATION FIESTA. Again, this is not your business, so fuck off.
Sideburns: You are fucking pathetic. Your posts are unoriginal. If you have to copy old jokes, then this statement is self-evident. You will determine what happens from here, but I assure you, if you want to persue this further, I assure you you'll get the shit end of the deal.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:14:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ETS (user info) at 2005-02-18 11:39:57 (#)
Ranking: -2
I believe this can be best summed up with the phrase, "Stay the fuck out of my business. This has nothing to do with you."
-----------
Well, you could always go back hit my meager 2 posts with you and VENGEANCE like the sniveling little pussy you are...
Otherwise, having to read about your "philosophy" regarding retaliation ratings makes the fact that you are a complete and utter fuckwad my business.
So tell me, stud, how many names are you gonna hit my posts with?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Several of the adults looked at each other, wondering why he'd threaten his 7 year old son with violence from a negro.
------------------------------------------------------------
HI-FUCKING-LARIOUS!
sideburns is king.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:02:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:47:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:20:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
Whoa whoa whoa..... going back to my old posts and -2ing isn't nice. Have one.
---------------------------
Ok Sidefuck... We could have avoided this. All you had to do was keep your mouth shut. You just couldn't do it could you?
For your information, the only pathetic post of yours that i've ever wasted my time to rate that I even recall, which is the one I assume you're talking about, involved you blatantly plagiarizing the great Bill Hick to the fucking LETTER, and I rated you accordingly with a "-2 die, you plagiarist scumfag".
I didn't start a 'Sideburns is a filthy plagiarist' campaign when I saw that. In fact, I didn't tell a fucking soul. I left it alone.
I didn't go looking for that post. I was looking for that Bill Hicks rant to quote it to someone, when what do I find on the first page of google, but a Sideburns post.
My recent outbursts toward you had NOTHING to do with that. It was all in good fun, and was totally disconnected. But now, you've fucked up. You have pissed me off for real. If you want to carry this further, I'll be quite happy to oblige and expose you for the fucking plagiarist you are, but if you know what's good for you, you'll sit your ass down, shut the fuck up, and you won't even so much as address me again unless it's as your Master.
So, here, you don't want any of your old posts rated??? Allow me to rate a new one.
------------
Firstly, don't bitch about this -2 here. It won't hurt the previous -2 that I gave you.
You could try your best to expose me as a plagiarist, but everyone knows my writing style and knows that I like to sample old jokes and put a little twist on them in my posts. As for that Bill Hicks quote, I stand by my previous statement SEVERAL FUCKING MONTHS AGO that I didn't find out who the original comedian of the joke was until after I posted my article.
The funny thing between the two of us is that I'm still taking this verbal battle as a little something to do on the side. I think I actually got under your skin.
It's obvious you don't know me, newb. You honestly think I'm going do what some Uber unknown says and sit down and shutup? Nah. Not me.
So, continue on with your childish ways. I'll be checking back every so often and laughing my ass off at the childish retorts you can cough up.
Shake those haters off.
-Sideburns
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:32:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good, as always
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:05:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dad only tried physical punishment one time. It didn't go over to well, as I am a closet masochist with unbelievable pain tolerance. It's pretty damn tough to punish a kid when every time you hit him he just laughs at you.
Instead, he just banned me from videogames. THAT was effective.
Submitted by Harry_Manback (user info) at 2005-02-18 11:51:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh God do I ever remember childhood beatings. Children these days aren't beat enough. The worst part when my dad beat me is that he would pick me up by one arm and leave me dangling there while he hit my ass with whatever object he could find. I think my shoulders got the worst of it.
Submitted by ETS (user info) at 2005-02-18 11:39:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2005-02-18 11:28:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:49:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
Just so you know, my philosophy in these situations is two eyes for an eye.
I can't remember the last time I've needed vengeance on someone, but I don't want to have to use it again...so don't make me.
- ETS
------------
I believe this can be best summed up with the phrase, "Wah wah, motherfucking wah!"
----------------------------------
I believe this can be best summed up with the phrase, "Stay the fuck out of my business. This has nothing to do with you."
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2005-02-18 11:28:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:49:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
Just so you know, my philosophy in these situations is two eyes for an eye.
I can't remember the last time I've needed vengeance on someone, but I don't want to have to use it again...so don't make me.
- ETS
------------
I believe this can be best summed up with the phrase, "Wah wah, motherfucking wah!"
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-18 11:25:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You think THAT is bad...
Try finding video of your Dad and Step mom online...
About 5 years ago there was a site called www.realamatuermarriedcouples.com
I just clicked an e-mail link to it...
To this DAY, I haven't told them...
No one else knows except my shrink at the time...
And now a few hundred people reading this...
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-18 11:01:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-02-18 10:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2..... I've been there man.
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Just so you know, my philosophy in these situations is two eyes for an eye.
I can't remember the last time I've needed vengeance on someone, but I don't want to have to use it again...so don't make me.
- ETS
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:20:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
Whoa whoa whoa..... going back to my old posts and -2ing isn't nice. Have one.
---------------------------
Ok Sidefuck... We could have avoided this. All you had to do was keep your mouth shut. You just couldn't do it could you?
For your information, the only pathetic post of yours that i've ever wasted my time to rate that I even recall, which is the one I assume you're talking about, involved you blatantly plagiarizing the great Bill Hick to the fucking LETTER, and I rated you accordingly with a "-2 die, you plagiarist scumfag".
I didn't start a 'Sideburns is a filthy plagiarist' campaign when I saw that. In fact, I didn't tell a fucking soul. I left it alone.
I didn't go looking for that post. I was looking for that Bill Hicks rant to quote it to someone, when what do I find on the first page of google, but a Sideburns post.
My recent outbursts toward you had NOTHING to do with that. It was all in good fun, and was totally disconnected. But now, you've fucked up. You have pissed me off for real. If you want to carry this further, I'll be quite happy to oblige and expose you for the fucking plagiarist you are, but if you know what's good for you, you'll sit your ass down, shut the fuck up, and you won't even so much as address me again unless it's as your Master.
So, here, you don't want any of your old posts rated??? Allow me to rate a new one.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home..."
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-18 09:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DemonJack (user info) at 2005-02-18 08:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It seems you were not beaten enough. Until your ass is just a skin bag of blood waiting to explode, then you can call it a beating.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-18 08:20:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-18 08:07:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
where were social services when you kids were growing up? blimey!
===================================================
Fuck social services, parents should beat their kids.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58180
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-18 08:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my mom, a little italian woman with a quick temper, used to wear Dr Scholls
wooden clogs. She would take those off and hit us on the ass.
actually the worst was when she'd send us to our room and say
"wait til your father gets home" the wait was awful.
one time, about 9-ish i wrote a "i hate you fuck you" note to my same age neighbor.
she told her dad who brought it to my mom. my mom had me
"wait until my dad gets home". when he came in i was hiding under the bed
and would not come out. he could not reach me which infuriated him.
i got a real bad ass whoopin'
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-18 08:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
where were social services when you kids were growing up? blimey!
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-02-18 08:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-02-18 07:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My Mom used to say "Hold out your hand" then she would slap it. Didn't hurt much. Then one fine day I really pissed her off. She said "Hold out your hand" I smirked and held out my hand. She wacked me right across my little brat face. God I love her for that.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-18 07:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. My dad had a more elegant manner of punishment. He would grab my earlobe, twist, and then lift. Then he would launch into some tirade about what I did wrong, while I was up on my tippy-toes. Worked pretty well.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-18 07:16:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
yay for child abuse!
Submitted by Williams_2004 (user info) at 2005-02-18 05:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-02-18 05:48:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
yo burns mo fucker, youer dread that shir t on my borther i jstu rote? it was bad asss. anyways, godd shit. id tind' readt this, but it's good shit. cause i enkow uesrds, and when i see gud userssssssss posts, i knwer how to drate them.
fuickuing asweome man
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
What he said.
+2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-02-18 05:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yo burns mo fucker, youer dread that shir t on my borther i jstu rote? it was bad asss. anyways, godd shit. id tind' readt this, but it's good shit. cause i enkow uesrds, and when i see gud userssssssss posts, i knwer how to drate them.
fuickuing asweome man.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-02-18 05:36:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-18 05:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dad used to say "let me explain" before smacking me real hard upside the head. It was my siblings laughter that always hurt the most.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-18 04:37:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kiss The Fist
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2005-02-18 04:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, I used to get a plimsole or a wooden spoon if I really over stepped the mark.
But to be fair, I got a count to 3 to stop what I was doing before having the smack-down laid down on my candy-ass. My dearest mother using my middle name when calling me told me that I was in the shit.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-18 04:09:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weapons of Ass Destruction for my childhood include shoes, a leather belt with confederate flag buckle (and I live in fucking california), a curling iron, a blow dryer, various pieces of a wooden chair, and dwarves.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-18 04:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to get five across the eyes. Although it only took a look from my old man to know I'd over stepped the mark
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-18 03:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mum used to beat us with Hot Wheels track. That shit never breaks.
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2005-02-18 03:34:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-02-18 03:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-02-18 03:19:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're lucky I'm stoned right now and can't think of anything to say.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-18 03:17:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dad rocks.
Except the ghey home-porno bit; that was just freaky.
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-02-18 03:04:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your posts always kick ass :)
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by IcyBlackHand (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:40:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns, every night I cry myself to sleep because I will never write a post as good as any of yours
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, good post dude. I can relate to the more serious side of it though, I got smacked around as a kid too.
My father never resorted to innanimate objects really. . . it would be more of me getting slammed into the wall or thrown down a flight of stairs.
Ok, now I'm pissed at my dad. Have a +2 because you are awesome.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha. Classic sideburns. Good stuff.
I recall many ass beatings with dads old belt. The big fucker was 4 inches wide and 2 inches thick and never broke. He used to beat dogs with it.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:24:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy crap, you have a good memory.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's right, I remember.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I previously mentioned a short version of this story in another post about a year ago.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:16:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dad slapped us upside the head a lot, he said spankings are gay.
I feel as tho I've read this on Uber before...