the Best Practical Joke (1828 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.18 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Peckerhead <-> (View user info) at 2005-02-18 02:33:39 EST
Let me start by saying that I am not a big fan of practical jokes. I am even less of a fan of practical jokes in the workplace. The problem with practical jokes is that someone usually gets hurt - either physically or by humiliation. Horseplay, for example, often gets out of hand and results in some type of injury. That is why places like the machine shop where I work usually have rules posted stating "No Horseplay."
Ernie was one of the younger machine operators. In fact, he still lived at home with his parents. Some of the guys would poke fun at Ernie about being driven to or from work by his mom. Actually, we didn't mind much because Ernie's mom was rather attractive -- Hot even. I think it was more a case of gettig even or ribbing Ernie to get back at him for a joke he had previously played. Ernie was in fact a practical joker. Maybe it was his youth. Maybe it was a streak of immaturity or a phase that he would soon grow out of. Most of us hoped so.
Some of the practical jokes played in the shop are similar to the ones you might remember from high school. Remember the poor geeky guy open his locker only to have a pile of books come crashing down on him. How about that one in the movies or sitcoms where some poor unsuspecting slob walks through a door only to have a pail or some other container of water come splashing down. One of the classic practical jokes in our shop is simply called, "greasing the handles". An operator or machinist returns to his machine after a lunch or washroom break and soon after must grab hold of the two knobs or handles which wind the cutting tool into or out of position. The grease must be applied UNDERNEATH the handles in just the right amount so it cannot be seen. "Fuck!" is the most common expression heard by an operator who has fallen victim to this trick.
Enough examples. You get the point. Ernie had done all of the above and more -- usually adding his own special touch or "signature" to his practical jokes. Well I guess things had gotten to the point where simply playing a joke back on Ernie was not enough. Ernie was "one up" on just about everybody until... THE DAY! I'm not sure who thought it up but it was a masterpiece - as far as practical jokes go.
At shift end, the guys typically wash up; some more diligently than others. I once saw a guy splish splash with a couple drops of liquid soap, do a quick hand wring and announce, "Clean enugh for the girls I go out with." I digress. On this particular day, there was no joking during clean up; in fact, everyone seemed slightly more purposeful than usual. In fact, there were exactly three workers washing up at the sinks when Ernie entered the washroom. Bruno, Randy and Bob were deliberately waiting to detain Ernie with a rehearsed joke... "Hey Ernie", Randy called. "Did you fall down?" (This is another classic shop joke. The implication being, "your hands are dirty and everyone knows how fucking lazy you are so it couldn't be from actual work". It must mean that you slipped and fell; your hands getting dirty in the process.)
Meanwhile, Bruno had positioned himself just behind Ernie... ready to give him the Goose - before the teasing could subside. "Get away from me you gay homo!" Ernie yelled as Bruno released him. All in good fun and not unusual for guys to clown and joke after a hard shift. Little did Ernie know that the best was yet to come. Bob had carefully made his way to the door and casually looked out into the shop. There were nods from Bill, Mike and Terry. It was all set!
Not too many people have heard of a metal called Hastelloy. Well, I won't get into chemical composition here; suffice to say, Hastelloy is next door to lead in terms of weight. In other words, it is damn heavy! While Bruno and Randy were joking with Ernie inside the washroom, Bill and Terry were moving quickly on the outside; Not that you can move all that quickly with a forty lb chunk of Hastelloy bar stock. Forty pounds might suggest a large piece of metal but due to the heaviness and density of Hastelloy, the bar of 8 inches in length and 3 inches diameter fit...just...nicely... into Ernie's lunch box!
I actually did not see it. What I did see was six or seven guys coming out of the building laughing uncontrollably. I mean these guys were howling and holding their sides. What the hell could have been THAT funny?! Apparently Bruno led the way. "Let's go guys. shift's over", Bruno said as he quickly pushed open the washroom door. Bob and Randy kept pace and all three men grabbed their lunch boxes from the usual table just outside.
"Hey, wait up!" Ernie said in an effort to slow the others. Knowing that he had eaten all his lunch, Ernie one-handed his lunch box -- expecting it to be approximately one lb. maximum. His arm nearly came right off! The lunch pail might have moved one inch and not in an upwards direction. Down goes Ernie. "What the Fuck?!" the guys heard on glancing backwards. Poor Ernie is down on one knee rubbing his shoulder and only starting to figure out what the hell just happened.
Well Ernie could dish it out but he could also take it. He grinned as he opened the lunch pail. All I'm hearing is raucous laughter and guys trying desperately to catch their breath. Never seen anything like it before or since. It was perfect! Terry helped Ernie remove the tubular massive weight from his lunch box, slapped Ernie on the back smiling. "Let's go".
Best damned practical joke I ever saw.
User Reviews
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-22 13:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy hell, a first post that's an actual story! No blah blah getting to know you crap and just a damn story. That always gets a +2 from me.
You asked me for a serious critique, here's what I have:
Pros:
As far as critique, your writing style is articulate and well formed. The subject matter was great, this article can keep people's attention without it being a childish prank like setting fire to cars on a neighborhood street or having to write about the first time you ate a girl out. It was just a good story.
Cons:
You have a tendency to concern yourself with tangents that are unimportant to the story line. Also, the joke was a little too built up from the beginning, which makes it impossible for it to live up to it's hype no matter how funny it truly is. The joke has to have an element of surprise to it, kind of like a twist at the end of a suspense story, just not as dramatic.
As far as first posts go, this one would get an 8 out of 10 if you asked me to rate it that way. Keep writing, you have a lot of potential.
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2005-02-19 16:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wasnt bad, but i was expecting a greater payoff. The momentum was building, but all that happened when we reached the apex was the "whoooooooooosh" of air escaping. I was braced for the deafening explosion.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-19 15:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
as far as a story goes, it had all the necessary elements....background, character explanation, etc. I think what hurt this is a.) the fact that the paragraphs were probably too long for most readers on Uber, and b.) the way this was described didn't make it nearly as funny as if it were written in the first person. If this was written in 1st person, with the narrator being a disgruntled worker trying to get back at a more devilish, embellished version of Ernie, it would have been a lot funnier.
That being said...pretty good first post.
espo
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-18 23:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty funny. There might have been a little too much explanation for every little thing, it made the story flow a little too slowly, but the ending was worth it. :)
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Syanyde (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:57:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
that is pretty damn funny. As for the opposite, has anybody picked up something expecting it to be heavy and it really wasnt and your arm goes flying up...yes...no...no...? im retarded.
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Syanyde, thanks for the +2. Yes, I have had the opposite experience of lifting an empty gas can that I thought was full. Hastelloy is only one of the exotic metals we work with. We also use titanium which you may or may not know is extremely light. It's fun to lift a part that LOOKS like it could weigh 500 lbs. when in reality it weighs 60 or 70 lbs. I try to do this when nice looking office ladies are nearby. How vain is that!
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As a denouement to my story... Ernie got laid off about a year after the practical joke day. It had nothing to do with misconduct but rather we had become a little overstaffed. Sure, Ernie was a joker and played the fool on occasion, but he was also a fine young man. For example, on Ernie's last day he ordered and paid for pizza -- for everone working that shift. Pure class. Thanks Ernie! We miss you.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Awesome Johnson: Thank you. I will keep up "the good writing". I have two more stories in process; they should both be as good or better than this one.
squarepusher: Thanks for your comments; great to hear that someone can relate. I'm pondering doing a story based on experiences working in a large paper mill. Watch for it.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:36:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Vanilla......
but thats OK too
Submitted by squarepusher (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:14:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey, I thought it was a good clean joke. (Much more impressive then most of the stupid shit that is on here.) When I used to work at a warehouse, we used to do the same exact type of juvenille jokes on each other. I think this was well written and gives me that nastolgic feeling of my blue collar days.
Submitted by Syanyde (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that is pretty damn funny. As for the opposite, has anybody picked up something expecting it to be heavy and it really wasnt and your arm goes flying up...yes...no...no...? im retarded.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:53:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is where i leave my keyboard to go grease everything i can find.
good writing - keep it up
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:52:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
meh
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:38:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-02-18 04:51:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
Sounds like a really great place to work.
A fascinating insight into the mind of the dull and unimaginative.
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Thank you Dervel. It is a fantastic place to work. Sorry that you found me or the story dull and unimaginative. One negative comment out of eleven is fine with me. Everybody is entitled to his/her opinion and now I have yours. Thanks again.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:38:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Manda, you're a sweetheart. Thanks also to DonovanMD, shitfuck, tinactin and DonkeyOnTheEdge. Special thank you to Banga3386 for the sincere compliment and kind remarks.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-18 08:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That practical joke wasn't good at all, but the writing was good.
Submitted by Soul-Fly (user info) at 2005-02-18 08:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree, it really wasn't that good of a trick, but you made me THINK it was by your writing style.
That's pretty impressive!
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-02-18 06:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Agree to banga. I expected a real laughter...
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-02-18 04:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sounds like a really great place to work.
A fascinating insight into the mind of the dull and unimaginative.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-02-18 04:50:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 not because this was the best practical joke but your style of writing and enthusiasm made us believe that it was. Very well written and explained with out going into boring detail, also pretty damned funny prank.
Banga
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-18 04:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-18 04:36:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Because really, is there a better sign than "No Horseplay"?
______________________
I submit, "No."
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-18 04:36:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because really, is there a better sign than "No Horseplay"?
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2005-02-18 03:41:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-02-18 03:17:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck you're in Edmonton?
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:58:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:46:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Canadianism.
--
A proud Edmonton boy right here!
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-18 02:46:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Canadianism.