Fun With Real E-Mail, Part 8 (5053 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: fun_with_real_e-mail
Rating: 1.76 on 90 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell (View user info) at 2005-02-18 12:04:35 EST
Part 7 (with links to the others): http://www.ubersite.com/m/59553
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To: Tom Sorrell
From: Linda
Subject: Tom
Hello, are you scanning today?
--
To: Linda
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: Tom
No. The terror threat level is too high. If I scan today, the terrorists win.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Linda
Subject: re: Tom
Stop messing around Tom.
--
To: Linda
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: Tom
Look, this is a matter of national security, ok? I MUST wait until the threat level goes down.
I'm sure you know that this has been a hectic week. The threat level was at "Radical Red" on Monday and jumped up to "Razzmatazz" on Tuesday, it's highest possible level. It was lowered one level to "Outrageous Orange" yesterday," but it's still at "Neon Carrot" right now. That means no scanning. You see, in order for me to scan, we have to be down to "Canary" or at the very least "Goldenrod." There is NO SCANNING above "Goldenrod."
Two Pertinent Notes:
1. "Goldenrod" is one level below "Neon Carrot" and "Canary" is one level below that. Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and it will drop dramatically over the weekend. We could come in on Tuesday and see that it's at "Jungle Green" or possibly even "Purple Mountain Majesty" - its lowest level.
2. At the spectrum's highest level, "Razzmatazz," there is a 67% chance of an Muslim fundamentalist hiding under your desk with a knife in his teeth.
----------------------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI (Lord of the Idiots - see part 5)
Subject: help?
Tom, could you help me with something during lunch?
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: help?
That depends, what do you need?
--
To: Tom
From: LOTI
Subject: re: help?
I had to write a essay for a class i'm taking and i was wondeing if you'd read it and give me some construction criticism.
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: help?
Some what???
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: help?
Construction criticism. I've heard your a writer and i need some help.
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: help?
Construction criticism, huh? Should I bring the hammer and nails or are they provided? What will I be constructing? Will I need a ladder? Let's hope not because I'm not a big fan of heights. Well, not so much the height, but the idea of falling. That freaks me right the hell out.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: help?
Your so weird. Will you help me or not?
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: help?
Sure, why not? I could use a good laugh.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: help?
What do you mean?
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: help?
Nothing...
----------------------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: vending machine
Tom, did you put that sign on the vending machine?
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: vending machines
What sign?
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: vending machines
The one that says: "Please make the 'banana nightmares' go away."
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: vending machines
Yea, those banana dream things are disgusting and they'd been sitting in there for a month. Did it work? Are they gone? Did he bring us Zingers?
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: vending machines
Yes it worked. He took them all out, but there's only one pack of Zingers.
(I liked the note, by the way. Excellent play on words.)
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: Zingers
I got dibs on the Zingers. If you touch them, you'll be walking around here with one hand, but it will be cool because then you'll get to have a hook. Hooks are cool.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: Zingers
If you love hooks so much, I could arrange for you to have one. I'm Italian, I know people.
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: YAAAR!!!
If I had a hook, I'd buy a parrot, a long coat, and a hat and walk around here like a pirate. I'd be Tom Sorrell: Office Pirate. YAAAAR!!!
On the downside, you'd then have to hire someone named Smee to be my first mate. Imagine the newspaper ad for that one:
WANTED TO HIRE:
A man named Smee. If your name is not Smee, do not apply.
Canidate must like pirates and be willing to clean up bird poop.
Strong dislike for children a plus but not necessary for employment.
After we hired a Smee, I'd have to start trying to kill lost boys and fairies and we'd have to get a crocodile. Can we get one of those? Is it legal to keep a live crocodile in the office? Anyway, if we got one, we'd have to get rid of all the clocks in the place. When crocidiles are present, clocks freak pirates out.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: ...
WOW.
User Reviews
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-16 14:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2007-12-16 13:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I cracked up with "construction criticism".
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-02-27 22:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:24:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You do nothing but occasionally scan in a document and send emails to coworkers, do you?
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-03-10 23:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-28 10:18:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to work where you work.
All you do is scan.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-24 21:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
That is to say there is some awe.
Submitted by smithsunny (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kick ass.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-02-23 11:22:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the WOW
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-02-23 01:33:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't there someone on ubersite named, Smee?
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-22 03:12:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-02-22 02:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Someday, whilst you are sleeping, I will come into your bedroom and steal your genius. I know you keep it in a glass of milk next to your bed. And it will be mine. OH YES. It will be mine.
Submitted by B-Nizzo (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep em coming. And, more Brian. You're boss is the only thing giving me hope in my career.
Submitted by MisterOCD (user info) at 2005-02-21 06:46:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by urbaneruralite (user info) at 2005-02-20 20:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: help?
Sure, why not? I could use a good laugh.
-----------------------------------------------
Mean.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-20 06:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - (1-10): 0.75
Well, that can't be good. Kudos for getting them removed!
Submitted by zelda780 (user info) at 2005-02-20 04:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More please!
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-19 12:31:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hell, I like these.
thanks...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-18 22:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom, you remind me of me, before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.
Mrs. Tom, I'll give you a hint: it's Spanish for something. Something awesome and in no way insulting. First word, "the".
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 19:45:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sweet
imitation = sincerest form of flattery
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Check it out, I totally ripped you off. =P
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-18 17:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You bastard mofo, coming and rating my post like that. Damn you, I could have had a perfect -2 streak without you. Retaliatory +2.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:34:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"construction criticism"--oh, dear...
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:08:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ORAFICE*
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TOM THE OFFICE PIRATE!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:08:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're welcome. Busting a gut sounds painful... I hope you didn't spray that stuff all over your co-workers.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was busting a gut in my office reading this. Thank You.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-18 15:44:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I too am getting tired of giving you +2s...
Submitted by Millie_Grace (user info) at 2005-02-18 15:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit, keep 'em coming.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:49:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have tears in my eyes. They are not sad tears. I wish I had boss like Brian.
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hell is still like these. keep 'em coming
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:38:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:35:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOOKS LIKE:
A nerf taco.
hahahahahahaha!
Oh man, I can't get enough of these.
Are we bad influences on you? Do you now strive to come up with the most random answers ever to everyone's emails?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:30:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry Urbane, there's a Mrs. THEGAME.
Plus, like I said, I'm nowhere near as interesting in real life.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:16:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
har har har
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:56:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
Eagle: I'm nowhere near as interesting in real life. Sorry.
For the record, I live in Toledo, Ohio. I think I've mentioned it about 2,398 times.
I also lived in Maine for two years and I LOVE the city of Boston - I'm a huge Sox fan.
---------------------------------------------------------
oh man, that's it. I LOVE Tom Sorrell
I'm from boston and a sox fanatic
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Can't do it, I'd only be 29. Maybe in '16 or '20.
Submitted by joefu007 (user info) at 2005-02-18 14:01:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom Sorrell for president in 08'
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:56:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Eagle: I'm nowhere near as interesting in real life. Sorry.
For the record, I live in Toledo, Ohio. I think I've mentioned it about 2,398 times.
I also lived in Maine for two years and I LOVE the city of Boston - I'm a huge Sox fan.
Submitted by TabathaS. (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're so lucky that I don't remember what that means.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Smee part was gold.
Fuck Zingers though, man.
Devil Squares or Ding Dongs are where it's at.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:44:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where are you from? Seriously. Every time I read something of yours, I just think "goddamn it this guy must be a trip to hang out with." Come to Boston, I'll buy you some drinks and prostitutes.
Bring Brian.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:38:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't call me "dude," la chica loca.
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:33:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TabathaS. (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're welcome, dude!!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:23:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, woman.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:20:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You have to neutralize my insults?
If an insult doesn't work (as you say), why neutralize it?
Hmn?
Submitted by epiphany (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:19:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing as always
Submitted by TabathaS. (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"After we hired a Smee, I'd have to start trying to kill lost boys and fairies and we'd have to get a crocodile. Can we get one of those? Is it legal to keep a live crocodile in the office? Anyway, if we got one, we'd have to get rid of all the clocks in the place. When crocidiles are present, clocks freak pirates out."
Hilarious!!
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:18:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man these posts never cease to make me chuckle
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:14:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Zingers are little rectangular chocolate cakes with cream filling and chocolate icing.
yummy
Please, no ass tattos with my name involved in any way. PLEASE.
Submitted by lush (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:09:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:00:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:47:51 (#)
Ranking: 1
Ya just kinda proved it, Shlong.
The only e-mail an actual PERSOn sends you is your own, and the one penis enlargment company that still mass-mails you is the only one that knows you have no wang.
I thought it was pretty explicit with that.
I "got it" the first time, Lardass.
I was making a "joke" to neutralize your lameass attempt at the same.
Fat, dumb and drunk is no way to go through life, son.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:58:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yaaar!
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
can it be a chick named Smee? I'm willing to change my name. I'll even tattoo "Pirate Tom" across my ass.
________
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh, Tom--Nice job too....
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:54:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what's a zinger?
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:52:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn fine job there, sir!
if I may make a request... think you can work a lemur into the next batch?
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell are zingers?
can it be a chick named Smee? I'm willing to change my name. I'll even tattoo "Pirate Tom" across my ass.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ya just kinda proved it, Shlong.
The only e-mail an actual PERSOn sends you is your own, and the one penis enlargment company that still mass-mails you is the only one that knows you have no wang.
I thought it was pretty explicit with that.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:47:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Uberboard is watching me.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lojope:
http://snacks.cyberpunks.org/bananadream.html
Submitted by Obi-wan (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What are banana dreams, or whatever they're called?
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:25:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Please make the 'banana nightmares' go away."
i laughed for 3 minutes straight on that 1.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:25:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:20:42 (#)
Ranking: 1
Shlongy said "browse through my 73 nightly e-mails"
Sad thing is, 68 of them are from porn-bots, 3 are from debt reconsciliators, 1 is from a penis enlargment center (they don't know he doesn't have one) and one is from himself calling himself a sexy bitch.
Yeah...so?
What's your point, lardass?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:25:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yaar.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:23:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If there isn't a "fun with real email part 63" heads will roll.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
me gustaria un vaca
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still enjoy these
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Shlongy said "browse through my 73 nightly e-mails"
Sad thing is, 68 of them are from porn-bots, 3 are from debt reconsciliators, 1 is from a penis enlargment center (they don't know he doesn't have one) and one is from himself calling himself a sexy bitch.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:20:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something."
- Jack Handey
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:18:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sun God: As of right now, Part 7 has a 1.96 rating on 122 reviews and 2066 hits.
I think it's safe to say you're in the minority here, but I appreciate the comments.
And I actually don't have much more in me at the moment - see my post from yesterday.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not plan, just save them up in a file and post them when it's long enough and good enough to post. I just wasn't sure about this one. But this morning I deleted one that featured my buddy and me trading quotes from Anchorman for an hour and replaced it with Linda's from today.
eh...
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:14:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WANTED TO HIRE:
A man named Smee. If your name is not Smee, do not apply.
----------------------------------
I'd go get my name changed and then apply. It would rule.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
tom, realize as you read this that i am one of your biggest fans. i skip over 75% of the crap on uber, but i read every one of your posts.
that said, "fun with real e-mail" is getting old. i KNOW you have more witty and creative things in you than this. the first three were friggin hilarious, but it's gone a little stale.
then again, keeping it up could lead into "fun with really getting fired" which, though sad, would also be friggin hilarious all over again.
this is an intervention, tom. we love you.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea, that "essay" was like something you'd see on here from a + 16000 user.
It was all I could do to not rip the paper out of her hands, throw it on the floor, pull down my pants and defacate on it.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:13:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As per the norm.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You actually PLAN your posts, in advance?
Geez, I usually wake up and browse through my 73 nightly e-mails and decide then and there what garbage to subject the Uber masses to.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I can only +1 this, because no one freaked out in an e-mail B&F, and Brian didn't have to admonish you.
Admonishment from brain is auto +2.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:12:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
scurvy me scaliwags!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:12:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, the general feeling of malaise is still present, but I had this done two days ago and decided to post it today.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That paper has to be a real gem...."your a writer"...
She sure the fuck ain't.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Construction... haha
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:08:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess that "malaise" you were suffering from yesterday only lasted until, what, dinner time?
I won't - you because I like Zingers, too.
Nancyboy.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-18 12:08:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Brian.