Taking General Mills By The Balls (899 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Espo (View user info) at 2005-02-18 15:27:07 EST
For the past few days, I've been in contact with the General Mills Consumer Serives Department.
Now, you may be asking yourself, why the hell would someone want to e-mail General Mills? A very good question, to be sure. My e-mails were illicited by a recent conversation I had with some friends of mine.
The conversation revolved around a popular breakfast cereal, namely, Kix.
Ah yes, the "Kid Tested, Mother Approved" joy that fills millions of cereal bowls every morning around the United States. General Mills even saw fit to come out with a new "Berry Berry Kix" - a wise marketing decision, no doubt in an effort to try and compete with the marshmallow and sugar filled cereals so popular with little bastards across the nation.
Needless to say, a vicious argument ensued regarding the "Kix" themselves. It was clear to everyone that the term "Kix" is a collective noun referring to an entire BOX of Kix.
However, what would one call an individual "ball?" Is it like "sheep" or "deer", in which the term is usable for both the singular and the plural? If one ball was left floating in your milk, should your mom say, "Finish that Kix?" or, "Finish that Kick?" or WHAT?
We scoured the box, searching for answers, but none were found. Some hypothesis were offered. The "Sheep" hypothesis, stated before, was the most popular, with the "puff" hypothesis (stating that Kix were made up of "puffs") coming in second.
As a result, I took it upon myself to e-mail General Mills and end the argument once and for all:
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Original Message
Originated by Consumer
To whom it may concern,
While enjoying a tasty meal of Kix with my fellow students here at
Dartmouth, a topic arose that I hope you can help clarify.
To wit:
It is my understanding that your company is responsible for the
manufacturing of "Kix" - a wonderful part of everyone's nutricious
daily breakfast, to be sure. It came to our attention that "Kix" is a
collective noun, referring to the box of cereal, and not to one specific
element of the cereal. The question is in reference to what singular
noun would be applied to "Kix."
Would you refer to one "Kix", like you would refer to several "deer" and
one "deer", or is there a singluar form that the average consumer is not aware of?
Perhaps they the cereal is comprised of individual "Kicks", meaning
that each circular ball would be a "Kick." The other theory we devised was that
perhaps the term "Kix" is merely a name for the cereal,
and that it is a given that each individual part was a "Puff". However,
as we conjectured, if it were a "puff", why not names the cereal "Puffs" instead of "Kix"?
Please help us solve this mindboggling query.
Patiently Waiting,
[espo]
-------
I received the following response:
--------
Dear [espo],
Thank you for contacting General Mills with your inquiry. We would like
to answer all the questions we receive about our company and our
products, but regret we are unable to provide you with the information
you requested.
We appreciate your interest.
Sincerely,
Chad Rogers
General Mills
Consumer Services
---------
That was it. An automatic reply. One of the largest cereal-producing companies in the world sent my esoteric and scholarly e-mail an Auto-fucking-matic reply. Are you kidding me?
I just sent this response:
--------
Mr. Rogers,
My excitement at receiving a response with such expediency was quickly lost, like a fart in the wind, when I realized that it was merely an automatic, standard reply.
I am sure that you are doubtlessly busy beyond words, and that the General Mills Consumer Serives Inbox is literally brimming with esoteric queries regarding your products. However, I ask that you please take what little time you have in your hectic schedule to answer my previous question regarding your "Kid Tested, Mother Approved" Kix.
I will reiterate my question for your benefit. To wit:
My question regards the aforementioned cereal, Kix. It is clear that the term "Kix" is a collective noun referring to an entire box of Kix. However, the consumer is left with no concrete term for the individual "balls" that together make up "Kix." As I have already proposed, perhaps "Kix" is comprised of individual "Kicks", and could be eaten "one Kick at a time." Or perhaps the collectve noun is also a reference to the individual - like "sheep" and "sheep" - and can be used in both senses. Or, a third hypothesis, perhaps each "ball" is a "puff." However, if indeed Kix is comprised of "puffs", why not just call the cereal Puffs instead of Kix?
I look forward to an in-depth reply and will be severely disappointed and angered by another automatic response.
Anxiously,
[espo]
---------------
So that's where I stand at the moment. God help Chad Rogers if he sends me another Automatic Reply. There will be much gnashing and grinding of teeth throughout General Mills when I bring my wrath and fury down on their pathetic little cereal company. These will fold like a cheap suit if I don't get answers.
Stop the buereacratic hypocrisy! How can we feed our children cereals that don't supply us with proper information?! We must take a stand and demand satisfaction! We must demand to know what "KIX" is made up of!
User Reviews
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2005-03-15 07:05:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Berry Berry Kix rocks my socks off
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-02-26 01:59:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you dont send me flowers anymore
Submitted by madddonkey255 (user info) at 2005-02-26 01:41:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-21 09:49:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-21 09:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A ha ha ha !
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kix sounds like kicks -- kicked; Chad Rogers may need a kix/kick in the ass. espo, please drop by pushing the edge once more. Great post -- not to be confused with Post cereal ;-)
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-18 21:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:30:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear sir:
I am part of a group of college students asked to do a study on cereals and their origins.
A friend of mine earlier e-mailed and asked for a possible meaning to the name "Kix" and whether or not a single cereal bit was called a "Kick" a "Kix" or a "puff". He was given an automatic response that was presented to our professor, and the professor told us that it would not be an acceptable conclusion, and unless we came up with something more specific and concrete, he would fail us on the project.
I can not fail the project. I am hanging on by a thread, in this class, and if I fail this project, there is no way I can make up enough points to pass the class.
Please, if you have any sense of decency or humanity, PLEASE help us out with either an answer to the question, or maybe even point us in the direction of the answer so that we can research it ourselves.
please don't make me fail this class, man. I can't fail this class.
You know what it's like having parents like mine?
An "F" and they'll stop paying for school!
DON"T MAKE ME GET A JOB, PLEASE!
HELP US!
Thank you,
Jay M. Greening
Wonder if that will help...
-------
You are officially the man. Thanks. If this clown Chad Rogers ever replies, I'll post a sequel.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:35:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cause it sucks ass. Have YOU tried Kix lately?
Submitted by Lost_Gator_Fan (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:07:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wondered, if it's kid tested, why isn't it kid approved?
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2005-02-18 17:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have way too much free time. I suggest alcoholism.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-02-18 17:01:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the post and the review below
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear sir:
I am part of a group of college students asked to do a study on cereals and their origins.
A friend of mine earlier e-mailed and asked for a possible meaning to the name "Kix" and whether or not a single cereal bit was called a "Kick" a "Kix" or a "puff". He was given an automatic response that was presented to our professor, and the professor told us that it would not be an acceptable conclusion, and unless we came up with something more specific and concrete, he would fail us on the project.
I can not fail the project. I am hanging on by a thread, in this class, and if I fail this project, there is no way I can make up enough points to pass the class.
Please, if you have any sense of decency or humanity, PLEASE help us out with either an answer to the question, or maybe even point us in the direction of the answer so that we can research it ourselves.
please don't make me fail this class, man. I can't fail this class.
You know what it's like having parents like mine?
An "F" and they'll stop paying for school!
DON"T MAKE ME GET A JOB, PLEASE!
HELP US!
Thank you,
Jay M. Greening
Wonder if that will help...
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, General Mills is the Anti-Christ of cereal companies. I wouldn't mess with them too seriously if I were you.
Just look what they did to "Lucky Charms" after Lucky the Leprechaun started acting up. They completely destroyed his fucking cereal. Not even the original clover remains of the original marshmellow fellowship.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-18 15:54:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-18 15:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
For all of those who have expressed interest in contacting Mr. Rogers, he can be contacted via this address:
Foodservice.at.genmills.com
At least, that's where my email replied to. Enjoy, and fight the good fight.
espo
Submitted by Harry_Manback (user info) at 2005-02-18 15:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please be sure to let us know if you ever do find the answer to your question. I find myself now very curious as to what the 'truth' of Kix is.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-02-18 15:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
key word here: "esoteric"
Submitted by squarepusher (user info) at 2005-02-18 15:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah what's this jackoff's e-mail?
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-02-18 15:30:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not only do you have too much free time, you have no life. Go make me a sandwich then mow my lawn.
Submitted by Not_Fade_Away (user info) at 2005-02-18 15:30:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
You should have posted his email here and got a few hundred people to ask him.