What we did as kids.(As told by my video camera) (778 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.4 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by L.G. <el2tha.g.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-18 16:17:40 EST
Have you ever watched home videos of yourself and tried to figure out what the hell you were thinking? No? Well fuck you. My roommate and I recently found some old videos of us, and our friends, roaming around at night, being high and extremely bored. We decided to watch one of these videos a few days ago. The following are the events as told by the video camera, some things are funny, and some are just plain retarded. I'm sure I could have edited it to make it funnier, but I have written only exactly what happened on camera.
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The video opens with a shot of my roommate, Devin, sparking a blunt in his old Camaro. Our friend Brian is in the passenger seat, and his brother David is behind him in the back seat. I am behind Devin, and am the one filming. We proceed to smoke the blunt, talking shit about nothing at all.
Suddenly, the camera becomes shaky and I yell "RUNTS!!!!" at the top of my lungs while lunging into the front seat to take some of the fruitlicious candies from Brian. Everyone is still laughing at my outburst when I start throwing the candy bananas at everyone, yelling, "I hate those fuckers!"
I shut up for a while after that, being entertained by the night shot and different effects the camera could do. Brian then starts to tell us the story of the first time he almost lost his virginity.
"Ok" He tells us. "It was right after graduation, and me and Christy were making out on my bed. We got pretty hot and heavy, and I had her down to her panties. She told me she wanted me to take her virginity, and I was hella excited, so I went to get my ONLY condom."
Devin and I are heard laughing as he tells the story, for we already know what's coming.
"So I get the condom, and when I open it, it's a fucking Hard Rock pin!"
(Interlude: A few months prior to this, Brian had gone on vacation with his parents and had made the mistake of letting us housesit. We thought it would be funny to put a souvenir round Hard Rock pin in place of his condom. Well, I laughed. Also, he ended up losing his virginity to a fat girl at a party we threw. He was drunk and she led him into a room, took his pants off, and fucked him. He was pissed, and had fat burns on his stomach from the whale.)
We finish laughing at him and the tape cuts out again. When it comes back on, David is now filming and he is walking up to someone's house. He squats down, stands up, and begins to walk away from the house. He then shows the camera a stone lawn ornament of a duck. "I just stole a DUCK," He says.
After doing the stop and go to him a few times, (For those of you who don't know, the stop and go is when you let the person get up to the car door, then move the car forward. You then stop, allow them to catch up, and repeat.), we finally let him in the car and take off, the camera cutting out again.
The camera comes on once again, and Brian is filming. He is standing on a sidewalk, explaining to the camera that we are going to see what happens to a stone duck at 70 miles per hour. Just then, Devin's car comes flying down the street. David is hanging out of the passenger window, and throws the duck at someone's mailbox while screaming "AFLACK!!!" at the top of his lungs. The duck smashes into the mailbox, knocking it completely down, and the duck shatters into several small pieces. (The head stayed intact somehow, and we actually still have it at home.) We all laugh, and the camera is turned off again.
When it comes back on, I am once again filming, and we are all searching for cats in a residential neighborhood. I hate fucking cats. Every time I would get close, the little fuckers would run away. Devin, however, would just walk up to one and it would just sit there, staring at him. I make a joke about how that's the only pussy he can get, and he grabs a cat. The four of us huddle around the cat, and Devin ties a small object to its tail. He then pulls out a lighter, and puts it to the object. A second later, a spark is seen and the firecracker explodes, sending the cat shooting off in the opposite direction. The camera, once again, cuts out.
When it comes back on, we are looking at a house with a car parked in front of it. Someone says something about David running a car over, and we all make jokes about how he's going to fall. David then come into view, standing about 10 feet behind the car. His plan was simple: run and hop onto the trunk, run across the roof, drop onto the hood, and run off. He gets ready, and runs toward the car. He makes it onto the trunk ok, runs up onto the roof, steps on the front windshield, and......slips. His feet come straight out from under him and he falls on his ass, right onto the hood. We laugh our asses off, and he recovers and jumps into our car. We drive by the car as we're leaving, and the hood is completely caved in where he fell. Oops. Camera is turned off again.
When it comes back on we are looking at a large round blue glass globe. It is one of those decorations that sits on a pedestal, and it a little bigger than a basketball, with a large hole on one side. We declare the globe a piss bomb, and what follows is pretty damn nasty. We all take turns pissing into the hole in the globe, filling it almost to the brim. Now I'm not sure if you know this, but different people's piss is not something you want to mix. If you've ever peed in a toilet or urinal that someone did not flush before, you should know this. The smell is horrible, and will leave you with no nose hairs, and singe your eyebrows. I take the "bomb" in my arms, making sure the hole is on top, run towards the house we took it from, and release about 5 feet from the front door. The globe sails, light reflecting off of the blue glass, making it look oh so beautiful, and finally hits the front door, shattering and drenching the door and porch in piss. We quickly leave, laughing about how cold of a night it is and wondering if the piss will freeze on their porch. The camera cuts out for the last time and the tape ends.
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So, after writing that, I realize it wasn't as funny as I had thought. Guess you had to be there for most of it. I will be searching for and viewing other tapes however, some of which include such adventures as "the shit bomb", "hot boxing an entire hotel floor", "the trash can races", "port-a-potty tipping", "waking up the entire street", "fireworks near windows", "smoke bombs in garages", "snack bar thieves", "lawn gnomes", "shit slide", "bitch slapping", and one of my favorites "the paintball adventures". Stay tuned.
User Reviews
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-18 19:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I also hate banana runts. Destruction of property is funny. Fucking with stoned people is funny. But animal cruelty is just plain wrong.
Now I'm not going to go all PETA on you, because those people are the fucking devil, but seriously, that's fucked up.
+2 for up to that point.
-3 for the animal cruelty.
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If it were any other animal, I would agree, but cats just piss me off too much. That said, I was only filming, I did no attaching or lighting.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-18 19:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This was going to be a plus 2, then I read this:
"When it comes back on, I am once again filming, and we are all searching for cats in a residential neighborhood. I hate fucking cats. Every time I would get close, the little fuckers would run away. Devin, however, would just walk up to one and it would just sit there, staring at him. I make a joke about how that's the only pussy he can get, and he grabs a cat. The four of us huddle around the cat, and Devin ties a small object to its tail. He then pulls out a lighter, and puts it to the object. A second later, a spark is seen and the firecracker explodes, sending the cat shooting off in the opposite direction."
I also hate banana runts. Destruction of property is funny. Fucking with stoned people is funny. But animal cruelty is just plain wrong.
Now I'm not going to go all PETA on you, because those people are the fucking devil, but seriously, that's fucked up.
+2 for up to that point.
-3 for the animal cruelty.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:09:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have the proper equipment for that... I'll take your word for it.
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pain, lots of pain. took stitches, super glue, duct tape, and a stapler to fix
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have the proper equipment for that... I'll take your word for it.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-02-18 18:01:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AFLACK!
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-18 17:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-02-18 17:13:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hate fucking cats."
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No, that doesn't sound like much fun.
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try getting a handjob from one. ouch
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-02-18 17:31:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I HATE BANANA RUNTS!
...*cough* sorry.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-02-18 17:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hate fucking cats."
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No, that doesn't sound like much fun.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2005-02-18 17:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where should I send the bill for the TV my girlfriend smashed when she walked in on me masturbating to a picture of fireworks?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-18 17:05:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for giving me a platform for my first linkwhore.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59873
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:46:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a video camera when I was younger. There are some good time I wish I could watch, rather than just recall with friends.
+2 for the trip down memory lane (Even if its not my street)
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:39:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh, i'll be tuning in for "hot boxing an entire hotel floor"
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-02-18 16:29:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit hahahahahahah I remember half that tape too!