My Ghey Neighbor Grabbed My Junk and All I Got Was This Lousy Camwhore (2018 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.84 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2005-02-19 12:51:23 EST
Yeah, that's right; only I don't remember it. That he was brave enough to admit it to me scares the shit out me, too. I don't even know how I got home last night. Ok, so it's 40 feet from my door to his, but I still don't remember the trip. Apparently, making it to my bedroom wasn't an option, either; I just fell face first on the couch <insert homosexual jokes here>.
You'd think that would be enough, right? Oh, HELL no! God bless roommates. They came in and started decorating me like some passed-out, leather-jacket-wearing Christmas tree. I'm so glad Stin didn't leave any makeup here from her visit or it might have gotten embarrassing. Something was stifling their creativity, though; I could've found many more humiliating things to decorate me with. For instance, I'd have went and found a dildo somewhere, but I digress. Like the good roomies they are, all the evidence was caught on camera. I'm rather alarmed that one of them was willing to get so close to a passed out drunk's ass, though.
I wake up this morning and am greeted to a new item on our "to do" list on the whiteboard: "Sat: Wake from drunken stupor on couch". Haha, very funny, motherfuckers. The joke's on you, you bastards! I'm still drunk. But to show that I'm a good sport about it all, I'll use the incriminating evidence here to debut my not-awaited camwhore. I'm just glad I didn't piss myself.
I'm posting this before I sober up and change my mind.
..and yes, my ass feels normal, thank you very much.
Damn you, Mr. Smirnoff. Damn you to hell.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-20 15:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-06-16 02:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Borat?
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2005-06-18 18:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2005-05-31 05:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See the response I've written to the response you left responding to the original response I wrote in response to this article, which can be found in response to the response in question precisely where said response was responded upon.
Yes, I make sense. All day long in my basement, I manufacture and retail sense.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2005-05-31 02:16:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait a tick... I know someone who looks and dresses like you.
Scary.
Now ease my mind and tell me your first name isn't Mark.
Knowing people on Ubersite that I see in real life deprives me of my anonymity. Except at Ubercons- which is different.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-29 07:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-21 19:23:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not how i pictured you
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-21 05:47:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still can't believe I missed it, Illyria.
Gutted.
Submitted by IllyriaBlueEyes (user info) at 2005-02-21 05:37:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck I drank way too much that night, I blame that for being chester the molester. I think one of the best moments of the night was you falling over in the floor, pulling your knees up to your chest in a fetal position and giggling for quite a while. Hope you didnt catch the ghey man.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-20 13:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a gloriously beauteous picture of yourself. It is very deep and metaphorical. I especially enjoy the way you thumb your nose at physics and gravity with that bottle of Smirnoff. Or rather, how you would thumb your nose, but you're too drunk/passed out to do so. Ten points, and an extra few for admitting your gheyness to Ubersite and your lady love.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 17:13:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"u r teh ghey, jermany!"
I laughed my ass off at this. Really, I did.
It's detachable.
Childhood accident. Very sad.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-19 16:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm... all that bug conversation makes me think of a dream I had once... my head was covered in these green bugs about the same size and shape as watermelon seeds... and I was trying to pull them off, and stratched my head maniacally, and peeled off the skin of my scalp... and the bugs were embedded in my SKULL! In these little bumps that resembled ant hills of bone. When I woke up, I had to comb my hair like crazy... I combed it for like... 2 hours straight. It sucked.
Oh yeah, and... uh.... u r teh ghey, jermany!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:51:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's always the best sleep...like a baby
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not finished with you just yet, my dear Stin. I'll run a tab for you. I know you're good for it.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Lord. When should I expect the invoice to arrive?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They pay me, baby.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:29:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. Ok.
As long as it was wild. And stuff.
I hope you paid her well and tipped properly. I know what you cheap-skate Americans are like.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:27:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes I do.
It was wild.
and stuff
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Something you wanna tell me about all this wild sex you're having?!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've also been informed that under that stocking cap, I'm holding three fingers in the air. They won't tell me which three, why or even if they were clean. Ah, good times... bastards.
matnotharry: please, for the love of all that is wholesome, let's not talk about tapeworms. Trust me, you DO NOT want to anger Tapey.
ETS: the lifestyle certainly is a bitch, what with all the drinking, drugs and wild sex. How fucking annoying is that? I'm so happy someone can sympathize with my plight.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:18:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't go for American women... They're all too into themselves and they're soooo narcissistic and won't pay attention when i'm trying to get their opinion on my new wardrobe or my new song lyrics.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My mom always told me not to chew my nails cause it'd give me worms... But I never listened - I knew she was just lying to me; there's no way worms would fit under my fingernails...especially with all that mud crammed under there!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Better English groupies than skanky American ones, ETS.
But I'm sure you'd know all about that :o)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:11:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAARRGGHHHHHH
MUST DRINK KEROSENE
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:09:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, people, sometimes the rock and roll lifesyle just gets to you...
One day you just wake up with an empty bottle of Smirnoff teetering precipitiously on the brink of your furnishings, with a Pepsi bottle stuck up your ass, in the filth and squalor of a room with faux paneling and manky beige carpets, and you just realize that this "VH1: Behind the Music" crew has been following you around for days, and you really need to escape the limelight.
You're tired of the touring and the English groupies and the busses and the hotels and the planes and the screaming fans and the photoshoots, and you you know it's time to hang up your boxing gloves and mixed metaphores and get crackin' on that case of beer in the fridge before your bandmates do.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:09:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dear. don't worry, they are good for you. they eat up all kinds of crap that lands on your face.
Tapeworms on the other hand...: http://home.earthlink.net/~xylaria/em/tapeworm.jpg
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
matnotharry -
oh god.
oh
fucking
oh
i need to go
and
dousemyselfinkeroseneandsetmyselfonfirethebugsbugsbugsonmeallovermethroughmeohgod
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:03:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, those bacteria are my friends! They're not bad; just misunderstood. They tell me they wouldn't harm anyone... except that devious white devil Kathy Lee Gifford. They keep saying she must die, but they want me to do it.
Actually, now that I think of it, I'm kinda scared. I'm calling the landlord.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-02-19 14:01:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's for your own good Circe. The carpet is awesome deserves to stay.
All carpets have weird little creatures in anyway (http://www.speedcleanservices.com/images/live/missilanious/pic-dustmite.jpg). They also live in your cupboards and bed (if your pillow is more than 6 years old then approxiamtely 10% of its mass will be mites, mite poo and mite shell casing).
stranger still, you have mites living all over your body, including some that look like crocdiles and live in your eyebrow pores. i kid you not.
as a conclusion, don't throw out the carpet
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:50:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mat who is not harry, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?
That carpet is haboring BACTERIA.
And not good bacteria, oh no. BAD BACTERIA. I can see it, you fools. I CAN HEAR IT CALLING MY NAME.
Oh god I need a shower. I wish to god the spiders would hurry up and finish.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's pretty manky, I must admit. The sad thing is, I used to install carpet for a living.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dont you dare throw that carpet out, it's perfectly fine and un-manky
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:36:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, sweety, find a happy place. I'm sure Silvr has already thrown that nasty little carpet out. Right, Silvr? RIGHT?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:36:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe: Your comments have been forwarded to the landlord. I expect immediate action from him, or I'll fly you here to let you deliver your wrath.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's a brown carpet Circe! of course its going to look murky and shitty
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It does NOT look fine!
It looks manky!
THERE NEEDS TO BE SOMETHING DONE ABOUT IT BEFORE I GET ANGRY.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i dont understand, that carpet looks fine
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright, Stin. If you REALLY want to talk about insertion...
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well honey, I did promise that I wouldn't tell them how much you enjoyed it, but since you brought it up...
Did it come out all fine, by the way? I was concerned, what with you walking funny and all.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:18:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
And, yes ma'am, I'll go cut the plywood for the couch post haste. Bless your golden heart.
______________
*peers suspiciously*
You best not be mouthing off to me, boy. I won't stand for it.
Lojope - I don't cuss 'em out until they hit eighteen. Then it's game on.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smirnoff? You get a pity +2 just for that.
Get some Ketel ONe, for crying out loud.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:21:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love that Circe's maternal instinct includes hauling out the F-word all over the place.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Stin: who me? or you?
Circe: I hate that fucking carpet. I just steam-cleaned it a week ago, but it's grungy-looking as all hell. My room is the only one with new carpet in it and I keep it clean. And, yes ma'am, I'll go cut the plywood for the couch post haste. Bless your golden heart.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think the carpet was originally brown, Circe.
At least i hope so
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:11:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clean the godamned carpet and for fuck's sweet sake, put a board under that couch because a man your age needs to start taking care of his spine. </maternal instinct>
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:09:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I'd do ya.
Oh whoops, too late.
But at least I didn't do it up the arse with a 2 litre pepsi bottle, right?
Right?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:04:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
GLALL: how did you know I was a Bocor?!? Did that fucking Gaston tell you? It was supposed to be a secret. Little bastard. See if I ever give him a zombie again.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit! Silvrwolf is human?!?!?! All this time I thought I was talking to monkey-man from an alien world.
PS: Pepsi bottles up the ass is actually quite pleasant, but only if they're opened.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:03:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awwwwwww
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:01:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice faux wood panelling.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-19 13:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JG: AHAHAHAHA!
umm, no I don't. I was actually expecting an "Is that a bottle in your ass or are you just happy to see me?"
My roomie SAYS that it just fell down near my ass. I'm starting to question that.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-19 12:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how you got the Smirnoff to balance itself on the edge of the couch but godammit you did. You practice voodoo right Silvr? That explains it.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-02-19 12:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your ass feels normal, eh? Do you spend a lot of time with 2 liter bottles crammed up it?