Raxanokor: God of Pain (631 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.75 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FelizJBirth (View user info) at 2005-02-19 16:37:54 EST
"Fuck!"
That's all Joe could think of to say.
"Are you fucking KIDDING me? What did you do it with?"
"Chainsaw", Bruce replied without hesitation.
"A chainsaw? You just chainsawed it off?"
"Just chainsawed it off!"
"Didn't that hurt?"
"Yes. Very much so. Hurt like a fucker."
Joe stood silent, taking it all in. He needed to get away from this crazy motherfucker as soon as possible.
"Look man, I gotta go, I'll call you later and we can talk about this...."
"No, I don't think so Joe. Sit down."
"Look, I'm sorry I really gotta-"
"I said, SIT THE FUCK DOWN."
Joe's body froze up completely. Bruce had never yelled at him like that.
"Just take it easy Bruce, I'm only-"
"I'm going to give you to the count of 3 to sit down, bitch."
"Bitch??" Joe didn't realize Bruce thought he was a bitch. It hurt. Deep inside.
"1-"
"Jesus, Bruce, what the fuck is wrong with you??"
"2-"
"Ok, ok, you crazy bastard, I'm sitting down."
Joe sat down in the brown chair he always sat in when relaxing in Bruce's basement.
"And now", Bruce smiled, "It's time to party."
In an instant, Bruce grabbed a nearby butter knife. With the flick of hist wrist, Bruce made three quick stabs into Joe's left eyesocket.
Just then, Joe woke up. It had all been a dream. His wife, startled by Joe waking up screaming, turned to comfort her frightened partner.
"Are you alright honey?? What's wrong??"
"Yeah, just a bad dream baby, go back to sleep."
"C'mon, tell me about it. Looks like it shook you up pretty bad."
"It was just really strange, that's all. Sorry I woke you up."
"I'm intrigued, I want to know what this dream was about now."
"Naw it's stupid. Trust me."
"C'mon sweetie, please?"
Joe could never resist that pleading look in his wife's beautiful eyes.
"Well, ok, but I warned you, it's stupid. It was very weird, Bruce was there, but it wasn't really him, you know? And for some reason he, I know it sounds crazy but he-"
"Chainsawed his dick off then gouged your eyes out with a butter knife?"
His wife smiled as she saw the reaction on Joe's face.
"H-how did you know that?"
"There's no escape, Joe. Bruce is already on his way here. There is no stopping us, BITCH."
Joe was speechless. He really was a bitch. He shit and pissed himself simultaneously. His primal instincts kicked in and he leaped out of bed, running for the hallway in his underwear, piss and shit running down his legs.
As Joe ran down the stairs for the front door, he heard a car pulling into the driveway.
It was all over now. Joe began to cry. Before he knew it, Bruce was standing in front of him laughing, his wife watching from the stairs stroking herself to the scene unfolding before her.
"And now Joe, it's really time to party."
As the butter knife penetrated Joe's left eyesocket for the second time, he heard the distinct sound of an engine revving up.
It was all over now.
Bruce would be dickless and Joe would be eyeless, fulfilling the prophecy of the Lenoltec; the Holy book of RAXANOKOR the GOD OF PAIN. As Big Macs and Ford Tempos began to rain from the sky, Bruce smiled, knowing that he had earned his rightful place in the Kingdom of Pain that would be Earth.
And they all lived happily ever after, except for Joe and some other people.
THE END
"
User Reviews
Submitted by DemonJack (user info) at 2005-02-19 17:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really. I can belive that. Human + lots of drugs = Some of the greatest stories known to man.
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-02-19 17:08:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Obviously, it would be hard to make this any stupider. That's what happens when I get stoned and write something in five minutes, making it up as I go along.
Thanks DJ, it's good to know others appreciate a good yarn about chainsaws, uncontrollable bowel movements and genital mutiliation.
Did I mention this is a true story?
Submitted by DemonJack (user info) at 2005-02-19 17:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dick cut of with chainsaw: Check
Someone getting stabbed in the eye with butter knife: check
Someone pissing and shitting pants in fear: Check
Rambling story that only insane people can understand: Check
Well that works for me. Next time some should actually die horribly.
Rock on Axar.
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2005-02-19 16:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Weird....but interesting...somehow.
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-02-19 16:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Really? Just when I think I had a good start on the great American novel. Damn.
Submitted by m1rl1n (user info) at 2005-02-19 16:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rambling, slightly insane, you scare me but....
+2 for
"And they all lived happily ever after, except for Joe and some other people."
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-02-19 16:43:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the ONLY reason i'm giving this a +2 is because I drive a 1991 Ford Tempo GL. because the rest of it sucked, it is horrible man.