The best part of my birthday was a druggie having a seizure! (738 hits)
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Submitted by Howie Felter <imwillywonka.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-19 18:31:43 EST
I have a late birthday that is very close to Christmas (Dec. 28) which means that there is often a lot confusion/shit that goes on this day. I am used to having shitty birthdays and usually think that the next year cannot get anyworse. It is this kind of thinking that suggests I am a fucking moron.
My parents are divorced and both are remarried so there is double the family get togethers at this time of year. The problem for me, the past 3 years, is that we celebrate Christmas with my stepdad's family ON my birthday. This pisses me off. I would be able to live with having my birthday on Christmas, but the other way around is just ridiculous. Never the less, it happens...often. Birthmas 2004, however, was especially shitty.
The following is how the plan was supposed to work out, in order to make everything run smooth and have the most pleasant Birthmas possible:
1. work from 6am-2:30pm
2. get a phone card for my cell because my minutes would expire the next day
3. stop by the dollar store to get little gifts (for a traditional game that we play with that side of the family and I had so elequently left until the last minute to buy)
4. get to my mom's by 3:30 to start the family game
5. eat dinner by 4:30
6. celebrate my birthday
7. go visit my gf for some birthday lovin'
8. go home happy
The following is how the day actually went:
I got to work on time with the hopes of getting off early and start to enjoy my birthday. As luck would have it, it is the busiest day that I have ever had to work and it was tough to even get out ON TIME! While at work, I had a nice little chat with my father who decided that it would be great to give me a guilt trip about how I'm not going to be seeing him on my birthday. Not only did I not care that I wouldn't see him that day, I got pissed off because he didn't even wish me a happy birthday. He was probably still pissed because I was the sperm that body checked the future doctor sperm out of the way so that I could gain access into the mommy hole!
Eventually, work ended but I had a pounding headache. I get in my car and put on my wipers and washer fluid to get some of the mud off and the fucking thing decides that it's too cold to do it's job today so mud just smears even more, forcing me to do the "snow wipe." I get out of the parking lot and am driving no more than 3 minutes when I see a huge line up of cars on the highway home. Confusion rushes through my head because this highway is never busy and I can't help but wonder what birthday disaster is in store for me THIS year. Looking further ahead, I see the reasoning behind this shit...two snow plows! I don't even know why there were out there because the roads were fine, but someone must have tipped them off that today was Birthmas.
A drive the normally takes 15 minutes ends up taking me well over half an hour! Fuck you, tax dollars.
As I get closer to my dollar store destination, which I could vaugely see through the cow shit streaks on my windshield, I realize FUCK, I drove right past the phone card store while I was pissing myself with ridiculously slow speeds of driving! I decided that it's not worth stressing over and that this day can only get better, so I calm down.
Parking my car in front of the store, I notice a dirty looking man staggering around the corner of the building. As I'm taking my seatbelt off, I see the man slip and fall on the ice and start laughing my head off. I open the door and start to get out and chuckle as it looks like the guy is trying to get up but keeps slipping on the ice or something. That's when I notice that this guy isn't the world's clutsiest person, but he's having a seizure!!
There's nobody around at all, and I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one who saw this, so I run over to the guy and he is twitching like a guilty Texan in the execution chair. I bang on the window of the store and yell for an ambulance to come and someone quickly dials for them. The guy finally stops flailing all over the place and is deadly still. Fucking great, I think, now people are starting to DIE on Birthmas?! After checking for pulse, the guy is luckily alive but out cold and his face is right on the ice. All I have on is a hoodie and t-shirt so I take off the hoodie and place it in a pillow under the dirty man's face. I shake him and talk until he wakes up and I'm trying to keep him awake so that he doesn't go into shock, yet at the same time still wondering how my luck can be so fucking bad on one day of every year!
Again, I feel thankful that it can't possibly get any worse. Wrong. I look at the guy and I swear it happened in slow motion...I see a big glob of blood forming in the side of his mouth and before I could have any sort of reaction, my eyes are just glued on it as it makes it slow and powerful decent right smack dab in the middle of my white hoodie! FUCKING HELL!!
In short, the guy gets put in his ambulance and take him away. Turns out that he overdosed on his depression pills. Atta boy, slippy.
Yet the day continues and after I get my purchases in the store, I quickly stop off at my place to get a new hoodie and to call to let my parents know that I'm going to be a bit late.
I get home and call and my stepdad picks up.
"Where the hell are you?" Happy Birthmas to you to, asshole.
"I just got home and am heading over right now. I'll be there in 15 minutes."
"Your father was giving your brother guff about you not going over there. I don't want you dragging your problems with him into our house, you understand? I would suggest that you go see him later."
"uhhh"
Then he puts on his fakeness (I'm assuming my mom walked by) "We're all excited for you to show up, see you soon." *click*
Now, I've never claimed to a big time man or anything, but I don't usually cry. Yet, on this fucked up day, I felt the need and the water works came. Like, I'm talking Niagara Falls water here. The stress caught up, I guess, and I got pissed that I couldn't make people happy and then I got even more pissed that I was stuck TRYING to make people happy when it was MY birthday for fuck sake!
I compose myself and show up at my mom's place, by this time it's almost 4:30. Getting in there, nobody seems to care. Fuck you all. I ask my mom where the wrapping paper is so I can get the gifts wrapped and she comes down with. I start to tell her about my horrific day, looking for some moral support, and she just starts snipping at me.
"We all have our problems, deal with it! You helped a man out, don't complain about a fucking sweater! Wrap faster, we've all been waiting! blah blah fucking blah!"
Ladies and gentleman, the Falls have returned.
"I'm going home, mom! I don't want to deal with this shit today!" and I start to leave but she stops me. Finally, she shows motherly support and apologizes and tells me about her stressful day too. Thanks, Birthmas, you're always full of fun!
I start feeling good again and then stepdaddy dearest strolls down to see what's going on. My mom tells him ONLY the part about the druggie so that it looks like I'm a fucking baby that can't handle seeing someone have a seizure, even though she knows that I put up with seeing her have lots and was unfazed. He gives a nonchalant "that's too bad," and then follows it with "now go clean your face, you've been holding up the game!"
Falls, anyone? Is there an echo in the house???
Locking myself in the bathroom, I must have lost a good 5 pounds of liquid from my body in that sitting. The entire time that I was there, people kept trying to come and cheer up by their stupid one liners and then start to pull the guilt card no more than 2 minutes later and it would start me up all over again.
I know that this is not a proud way for a man to act, but this day just caught me off guard and it reeked havoc on my brain! In the end, I fought my way out of the powerful waterfall and got up with the others and joined in on the game that they started without me.
The rest of the night was not really any fun at all and I ended up doing the dishes and didn't get any cake and wished that I was anywhere but there...or Niagara. I didn't even get any loving from my girlfriend.
It was when I was laying in bed at home, recollecting on the day that was, that I realized the only thing I could say that was good about that day was being a good samaratin and helping the druggie that had a seizure!
User Reviews
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-11 15:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Good alter cock
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-20 13:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Did you just turn 13?
If not, quit whining, pansyass.
Submitted by Howie_Felter (user info) at 2005-02-20 12:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, tips, but I know that. Sometimes, though, people care and want to try to make the holidays a happy time. I learned my lesson again this year, so now it's all about me.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-20 11:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Living your life to please other people who don't even appreciate you is a big source of stress.
-- Psychologist Caes
Submitted by Howie_Felter (user info) at 2005-02-20 00:08:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha thanks. I did dump her...not just because of that, though.
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2005-02-19 23:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A +2 because your day sucked and I'm sorry for that.
After a shitty Birthmas your GF should have given you CHAMPION LOVIN and she gave you none - you should dump the bitch!
Tell your stepdad to get bent too!
But YOU'RE ALL RIGHT!
Submitted by Shroom (user info) at 2005-02-19 22:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn dude, I'm sorry. Hope your next Birthmas is better. Anyways, Happy Belated.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2005-02-19 19:51:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So far, every December 1st and 25th (my birthday and christmas, respectively,) i end up crying all day and drinking myself to sleep.
kudos for not being a moron like me, and happy belated birthday.
Submitted by purringbubbles (user info) at 2005-02-19 19:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
After a birthday like that, the least I can do is +2 you...
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-19 18:45:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the email.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-19 18:40:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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