Celebrity Valentine's Day Dinner (1282 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -1 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by moneyshot (View user info) at 2005-02-20 06:24:29 EST
For this year's very special Valentine's Day I invited some of the less fortunate celebrity singles I knew to spend an evening with me and my girlfriend at Cafe Eliton. Playing matchmaker is always a pain in the ass but at least it will put an end to their incessant single's bitching and moaning for at least one evening. Besides, they would be doing all the work anyway. I would only have to get them all at one place and witness the magic firsthand.
Je peux sentir l'amour dans le ciel ou peut-être c'est mes aisselles.
You may be wondering to yourself "How did he get his girlfriend to go along with such a request on such an intimate evening?" Glad you asked. Marvel at my powers of persuasion:
"You're fucking joking, right?" she said as she tossed her half-filled glass of Chardonnay into the fireplace. "Last year you completely ruined it by getting completely trashed at dinner and punching our carriage's horse in the face for 'Looking at you funny all night,' and the year before that you ruined it by showing up at my apartment drunk with a blow-up doll and a six pack of beer. Now you want to invite a bunch of people to a romantic evening with us? Is this another one of your sexually deviant fantasies?
"Quite the contrary, actually! I just put myself in their shoes and realized I would hate to be alone on the holiest of holy days. I think it's what St. Valentine himself would have wanted."
And with that she melted and it was off to our dinner date with the stars. We'll pick up right as Jeff Goldblum was telling us how his carrer has fallen off a little bit:
Jeff Goldblum: ...And pretty much after 'Independance Day' I wasn't able to get much work. <Sigh> I...uh can pretty much only play one character. <Clears throat> The nerdy scientist... that ummm invents something or deciphers some secret code or some sort... errrr whatever. On a lighter note isn't this a cool pose?
Miss World Bodybuilding Champion 2004, Tanja Waltemath: Jeff that pose is terrible and you really have to change your attitude. You have no one to blame for your lack of work except yourself! I didn't get to become 'Miss World Bodybuilding Champion 2004' by sitting around and sulking about what wasn't handed to me. I had to go out there and get it son! Take life by the horns!
Saved By The Bell's Screech, Dustin Diamond: Well, I know I wouldn't be where I am now without being positive 24/7 and working hard at being successful everyday. I mean, after I played Screech for twenty seasons on 'Saved By The Bell' I just knew there was a world of opportunity out there for me... I sing for this band.... and ummm...<After a long pause> I did a 'Saved By The Bell' reunion show! Ummm... <Hangs head in shame> I don't know what I'm doing with my life... I..... just....don't......know......
William Shatner: I'm sorry, I agree with you Tanja, but...I just...I can't take anything you say seriously while you're posing like that. To be truthful it kinda freaks me out a little.
Tanja Waltemath: That's completely normal, Will. Most men are intimidated by my beauty and that probably accounts for why I'm single right now. I'm comfortable with my body and I know when I meet Mr. Right he will be too if you know what I mean! HA!
William Shatner: When you say men are intimidated by your 'beauty' don't you mean HUGE FREAKING MUSCLES?! I MEAN JESUS! LOOK AT THEM!
From The Life Channel's Interior Decorating Show, T.V.'s Christopher Lowell: You're so harshing my mellow! Stop picking on the girl Spock! I mean that hideous suit and tie combo you're wearing should be destroyed. Seriously, you need to rid the world of those abominations with a match that's mean and some gasoline. <Does a Z-snap> ...Oh shit I cannot believe I said that. I am such a bitch.
William Shatner: I played Captain Kirk...
Tanja Waltemath: Who wants to armwrestle? You! <Pointing at Dustin Diamond> You think you got what it takes?!
Dustin Diamond: No way, Jose. I'm not comin' anywhere near those guns! Even this immaculate facial hair I'm growing can't hide the fact that you're more manly than I'll ever be!
Christopher Lowell: Nu-uh, bitch! I have the best groomed facial hair!
Tanja Waltemath: Are you mad, Chris?!
Christopher Lowell: Yeah!
Tanja Waltemath: I said ARE YOU MAD!? <Rising from table>
Christopher Lowell: YES! YES I AM!! <Rises from table also>
Tanja Waltemath: WELL THEN PUNCH ME IN THE STOMACH!!!! ARRRRGGG!!!!
Christopher Lowell: <Christopher balls his fist and lightly hits her stomach. It makes a small slapping noise. Immediately after doing this he regains his composure and takes a step back in fear.>
Tanja Waltemath: <After a long pause> HELL YEAH! Let's you know you're alive! Hell of a punch there Chris!
After the exchange between Tanja and Chris dinner was pretty much awkwardly silent. I guess it's safe to say this year was a bust. Well, there's always next year.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-20 10:35:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Good concept, bad execution...horseshit timing.