Things I Have Done To Get Myself Fired (1343 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.49 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jayjonze <crazfool003.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-20 18:42:45 EST
The following is a list of things I have done in an attempt to get myself fired. I have always felt that quitting is wrong but getting fired is o.k.
I told a Vietnamese employee that if she did not shut up I was going to lock her in a tiger cage.
The last time I was giving a urine test I took a shit in the toilet.
I asked to have a handicapped sticker for my car because I have ADD. I told them that if I was not allowed to have a handicapped spot I would never be able to find my car.
I called in sick one day because I had too many mosquito bites.
I go fishing before work and come in without taking a shower.
I "stink palm" (if you do not know what a stink palm is, watch Mallrats) my superiors.
I accused my superiors of farting in front of the customers.
During an evaluation, when asked what set me apart from the others I responded "8 inches of throbbing steel."
I "lost" eight cases of wine for a party
I put a salmon head in my superior's garbage and shut off the AC in his office right before he left for 2 weeks vacation.
I got a $1 tip on an $80 check. I got 100 pennies for the dollar from the bartender, ran to the parking lot and threw it at the customers car.
I told an employee that I caught my superior masturbating in his car with his 12-year-old stepdaughter in his car.
I called in sick because I thought I had food poisoning. When asked if I had gotten the poisoning from work, I told them to contact my lawyer.
I got stoned and put a bird I found near the dumpster in a fryer, just to see what happened.
I called the hostess from my cell phone and reserved a table for "Jack Mehoffer, party of 1." (She was not the brightest crayon in the box; she said it three times over the intercom before my boss finally stopped her.)
I brought my dog to work because I could not find a babysitter.
I proposed having "Caucasian Appreciation Day" where we only served white people.
When my boss's mother died, I said nothing. When his dog died I got him a card.
I told a customer on the phone that if she wanted to get her order correct, she would have to "take the dick out of her mouth".
I called in sick because I was afraid the cops would find me there.
I accused a coworker of having a stagnant vagina that was upsetting my customers.
I have "accidentally" given children alcohol that I find annoying.
User Reviews
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-02-26 00:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Comment
Submitted by jayjonze (user info) at 2005-02-22 17:47:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-02-21 03:47:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tiger cage! yessss! That was great, everything was great and I really hope you did those things and continue to do them.
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Some ae 100% true. All are true at least in part, I embellished a few....
For instance; the vietnamese employeee was actually chinese
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-02-21 03:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tiger cage! yessss! That was great, everything was great and I really hope you did those things and continue to do them.
Submitted by ChesterTheJester (user info) at 2005-02-21 03:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To the author:
funny
To the lemon party guy:
YOU FUCKING BASTARD... I MAY NEVER SLEEP AGAIN
Submitted by Otters (user info) at 2005-02-21 03:28:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Giggle! That was funny and I hope you really did do all of that stuff.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-02-21 01:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-02-21 01:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stagniant vagina
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-02-21 00:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:48:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
There's a support group for unemployed workers that can be found at http://www.lemonparty.org
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I almost clicked on the link, then I remembered what it was (I've never had the pleasure of seeing lemonparty, but friends have described it to me) which is a good thing because my ten and eleven year old sisters are in the room.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-02-20 23:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I proposed having "Caucasian Appreciation Day" where we only served white people.
+2 for that
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-20 23:16:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I told an employee that I caught my superior masturbating in his car with his 12-year-old stepdaughter in his car.
hahahaha
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-02-20 22:53:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy that had my position before me once spit at the guy who's currently my supervisor...My supervisor reminds me of a bear and scares the hell out of me.
When I go, I want to go out in a blaze of glory. I'm going to throw my shoe at some one and then climb on top of a desk and do a stupid jig and sing the song that never ends until security has to drag me out. Even then I'm going to run away and hide and see if they can find me. I bet those fuckers don't know ANY of the hiding spots in here....
The whole time I plan to be wearing a tutu...just like Ace Ventura. And I'll do my hair like him too.
Either that or I'll just show up drunk and tell management to fuck off and show them my cock. Any excuse to whip out my cock, I guess...
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2005-02-20 22:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Vanni_Fresco (user info) at 2005-02-20 21:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I told a customer on the phone that if she wanted to get her order correct, she would have to "take the dick out of her mouth".
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That sealed it.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-20 21:29:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yeah man! Make a long ass list like this, and you're bound to get solid +2s
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-20 21:26:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Mental note! never click on links provided by Degreeless_Capibara, i nearly lost my lunch.
Submitted by Grin (user info) at 2005-02-20 21:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-20 20:20:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're getting close.
Try tossing in a random "murder" of an anonymous secretary.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-20 20:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://stretch.ragingfist.net/
Great site.
Submitted by purringbubbles (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:48:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
There's a support group for unemployed workers that can be found at http://www.lemonparty.org
_________________________
I was NOT expecting that one, good job. Now I'm off to remove my eyeballs with a pocket knife.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:52:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, I was just having fun. http://mirbsd.org/ is a great site if you got fired from a job unreasonably.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:51:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oops, I'm sorry. The correct site is located at http://mirbsd.org/
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I got a $1 tip on an $80 check. I got 100 pennies for the dollar from the bartender, ran to the parking lot and threw it at the customers car."
Hell yeah...that is fucking awesome.
Submitted by jayjonze (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I looked up the link on yahoo because I could not go to it through my browser at work. Based on the description, I know that Jesus loves me for not letting me see that link...
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:48:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
There's a support group for unemployed workers that can be found at http://www.lemonparty.org
-0---------------------------------
oh. my. god.
who would link to such a thing? who would create such a website? you sick fucks!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:35:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:48:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
There's a support group for unemployed workers that can be found at http://www.lemonparty.org
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You are a fucking bastard. That is just wrong.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:26:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Degreeless, I *REALLY* wish you hadn't posted that link. Jesus Crisp. I'm not gonna wait to get old. I'm just gonna blow my brains out at 50 and save the world and myself a shitload of pain.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48794
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:18:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tee hee
Submitted by jayjonze (user info) at 2005-02-20 19:01:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm at work and the system does not let me go to the lemonparty link. I feel left out of my own post...
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha!!
We got urban with lemonparty!
Submitted by urbaneruralite (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:58:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:48:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
There's a support group for unemployed workers that can be found at http://www.lemonparty.org
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Soulless bastard!
Submitted by jayjonze (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:49:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:46:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I got stoned and put a bird I found near the dumpster in a fryer, just to see what happened.
prove it.
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His feathers all burned off and his eyes exploded, Other than that, it was pretty much like cooking chicken fingers.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:48:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
There's a support group for unemployed workers that can be found at http://www.lemonparty.org
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. I think I'll be an "annoying child" for the free alcohol.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got stoned and put a bird I found near the dumpster in a fryer, just to see what happened.
prove it.
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, "Caucasian Appreciation Day" is worth of a +2.
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2005-02-20 18:43:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*snickers