Kenny G Raped My Ears (680 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: 1.67 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by myredmirage95 (View user info) at 2005-02-21 00:49:28 EST
Today I was at my friend's house after a thrilling night browsing the aisles of Wal-Mart. Every once in awhile, my friend Sam will get some idea in her head and she'll remember something from the past, like a picture or an article of clothing that she wants to use for something, and until she finds it, she's an obsessed maniac; This time the sought after item was a book. We searched her room for at least an hour looking for this book, which, to be frank, should have been burned if it hasn't been already. We dug through box after box after box of crap in her closet, until I came across one with a smaller box of tapes tucked neatly inside (Sam's a neat freak). I open the box and immediately recognize a tape I had used to record some songs off the radio when I was younger (junior in high school). I snatched up the tape like it was made of solid gold, encrusted with diamonds and dipped in honey and I threw it on the bed next to a bunch of other junk of mine that we found in the boxes...(along with some stuff that belonged to her that I liked.) We continued the search for the book but we never found it, so I decided it was time for me to go home. My new found treasures in tow, I skipped out the door and to my car, eager to get home and listen to the tape.
Fast forward past 2 hours of mindless chatting online, conversation with my brother about how much I hate NASCAR and wheat thin munching. Oh yeah! I have a tape!
I grab my old Aiwa cassette player, search for some batteries and giddily put in the tape and hit play...song number one, Irresistible by Jessica Simpson. I laughed and pretended to croon along, chatting to a friend about my find, who didn't care. Song number two...Bootylicious by Destiny's Child. By now I'm rolling on the floor in tears. I can't believe I listened to this crap! Song 3 Fly Away From Here by Aerosmith, Song 4 Crazy by K-Ci and JoJo, song 5 Drops of Jupiter by Train and song number six Survivor by Destiny's Child. I was in hysterics. How did I ever go from listening to THAT to listening to the stuff I listen to now..(i.e.- The Used, Chevelle, Jimmy Eat World, Papa Roach, Muse). I kept listening, finally hitting an N'Sync song. I stopped laughing, wiped away my tears and stared. I had forgotten all about my N'Sync phase. I immediately began to flashback to when I thought they were cool. I was sitting on the floor in the living room, watching the Disney channel and here comes one of those music videos that used to be shown on that particular channel. "Oh my Goodness, those guys are sooooo cool!" my 13 year old self thought. Flashback to the time I stayed up half the night listening to the radio to hear Bye, Bye, Bye so I could tape it...Flashback to the day I purchased their 2nd CD and fell asleep listening to it. I blinked twice and fast forwarded the song as I shuddered. It just can't get any worse than this I thought. Song number 8, another destiny's child song (wow, I don't remember liking them so much) Last song on side 1, Killing Me Softly by The Fugees. Ok, two songs on that side that were ok...the Aerosmith song and Killing Me Softly (even though it only recorded 1/3rd of it).
Now I flip to side 2, putting the horrors of N'Sync behind me and hoping that I had better tastes for the next side. Song number 1, guess what, ANOTHER Jessica Simpson song...but this time it's a duet with her husband, whatever that hacks name is...Rick, Dick, Prick? Who cares? Moving on...next song...oh, it's the EXACT SAME SONG recorded again. Fast forward. Stop. Play. The song starts out kind of mellow and then...it's hard to describe just how terrified I was. I couldn't even hit the stop button. I was frozen with my eyes wide in shock. I've heard of people being petrified, but I had never experienced it before now...every muscle in my body tensed, ears pounding from the blood rushing passed them in hopes of getting out of my body and away from the torture. I was listening to Kenny G. I had taped a song by Kenny fucking G! How do I know it was Kenny G you may ask? The reason I know its Kenny G is because everyone knows its Kenny G. Kenny G is like a virus, once it enters your body, antibodies will begin attacking it and hopefully kill it...but your body knows what that virus is forever. Kenny G is a virus. I listened in horror... begging, wishing, praying that it was N'sync instead. Three minutes of torture. I couldn't take it anymore and I began contemplating suicide, but my brain made my finger move to the fast forward button instead of towards the drawer holding a pistol; I could breathe again.
The thing that I wondered the most was WHY was there Kenny G on that tape? I have never liked Kenny G! Even when I was 8 years old, I knew he was crap and 8 year olds love anything because they are stupid. Something was a bit fishy, so I hit play. A song by Westlife...fast forward, the same Westlife song again, fast forward....the SAME SONG AGAIN....hold on, wait a minute, (my brain was beginning to function again from the traumatization that is Kenny G). "Sam used to love this song, Sam used to play this song all the time," my brain said to me. SAM DID THIS! SHE RECORDED KENNY G ON MY TAPE! This realization washed over me and I was so incredibly happy that I began to cry. I had thought that I had sucked even more in high school than I thought I had by recording Kenny G on a tape, but it wasn't me! It was Sam! Sam is the one who sucks!
Oh, the sweetness of it all! Now I have yet another embarrassing tidbit of Sam's life to torture her with. Oh my goodness, my best friend is a Kenny G loving freak!
User Reviews
Submitted by SPG (user info) at 2005-02-21 09:48:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for reminding me of my teeny-bopper phase. wait, why is that good? ah fuck it
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-02-21 01:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Kenny G is indeed the tool of Satan. Satan, I tell you.
Submitted by Divinity (user info) at 2005-02-21 00:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the mental image of someone being ear-fucked to death.
Yeah, I know it isn't anything new, but I love it everytime.