Disciplnary (Pt 2 of 3) (823 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: The_Office
Rating: 1.73 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spam (View user info) at 2005-02-21 09:43:11 EST
PT 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/59967
(the more observant among you will note that the title reads pt2 of 3 and the original stated there would be 2 - So I got it wrong, Sue me)
Hearing my name over the intercom I took a deep breath and strode confidently into the meeting room. I'd flicked my mental switch and left the worried bag of nerves behind in the toilet cubicle - Now, I was Sam Mothafucking Draycott, Master of Mistruth, Annihilator of arguments, Liberator through Lies. I'd been bulshitting my way out of these situations for years - this should pose no problem.
Besides, this time I was cheating.
---
Sara knew something was wrong immediately. As head of personnel, she had sat in on hundreds of disciplinary hearings and never had she seen the accused look so buoyant on entry - It was as though he knew something that they didn't, and this made her very nervous.
Sam nodded curtly at the two ladies as he entered and strolled over to the square meeting table. He spoke in a clear resonant tones as he sat, "Good Morning." he said, taking a black object from his pocket about the size of a mobile phone and placing it on the desk in front of him. "Firstly, I'm obliged to advise the two of you that I will be recording these proceedings from the outset, if necessary, a copy of the recording can be made available to you within a day, likewise, I will expect a copy of any minutes or notes that you take during the course of this meeting within 24 hours of its adjournment."
Both ladies starred at him in stunned silence for a few seconds before Sara smoothly recovered.
"Of course. That done, I'd like to declare this meeting in session." She paused expectantly, getting no response other than a slight nod. "Okay, Karen, seeing as you are the member of staff to raise this to my attention, I'd you'd like to go through exactly why you felt this meeting necessary."
All eyes turned to Karen who began to slowly read from her paper in the emotionless monotone normally found in primary school English classes. Sara suppressed a sigh - this wasn't going to be fun at all.
---
HA HA HA MOTHER FUCKERS!!!! YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT WERE YOU?!!
My inner dialogue was still stuck in smug celebration mode. If I carried on with this level of arrogant aggression, I might just be able to pull this off.
I'd stopped listening to Karen droning on about my poor overall performance in the orifice 20 minutes ago, her list was long and detailed and included every tiny slip that I'd made since commencement of my employment 2 years ago. It was also full of spelling errors and poor grammar - I knew this because in preparation for this meeting 2 days earlier, I had sneaked into her office and 'acquired' a copy of the report she'd filed with personnel, along with all of the evidence that they intended to use against me. At the time my fear of getting caught had been replaced with glee almost instantly when I'd discovered that the stupid bitch had left her PC logged in with Outlook open - it was here where my insidious back-up plan had been conceived.
"What is your response to these allegations?" Sara's question drew my concentration back onto current affairs. This was the answer I'd been rehearsing for the last 2 days, I hoped I didn't fuck it all up.
"Ignoring the irony of your mentioning my poor punctuality in a meeting scheduled for 16:00 that you started at 16:15, I'd initially like to make just two points." I gave a pause and tried to keep a straight face whilst the two women tried desperately not to let their annoyance at my little ad-lib show. "Firstly, you'll notice that Karen has included in her little 'diary'," - I made the 'quotations' gesture with my fingers to add a little irritation factor - "that I was disciplined 3 Months ago on November 6th where a number of these issues were bought up already. Karen has also been kind enough to include in her reports, a copy of the letter that YOU subsequently wrote, Sara, outlining to me the 'consequences' of my 'poor discipline' and a set criteria that, if met, would result in 'further disciplinary action being taken'. " - my ironic quotations were beginning to really annoy Sara now, but I no longer cared, I was too busy having fun - "as I have failed to meet said criteria, I find your dragging me through these farcical proceedings unnecessary, and to a certain extent, unlawful." I paused again to let the connotations of the statement sink in, "This makes 95% of the information included in that report inadmissible".
I wasn't sure if any of what I had just said was actually correct, but it had sounded good to me in the toilet cubicle so I was going with it.
I continued - "Secondly, I'd like to ask exactly WHY a list of all of my activities over the last 2 years even exists in the first place, and I would also like to know if everybody else in the department has these 'Diaries'. If not, why not?"
Sara had had enough, "Are you seriously trying to imply that none of this is your fault and that you're just being picked on?" She scoffed.
I smiled infuriatingly, "No. The fact that you felt it necessary to compile such an in depth list implies that - I am merely drawing attention to the fact. Now please, answer the question." I knew I was getting carried away with all the lawyer-type speak, but Karen was too dumb to respond in kind and Sara was getting gradually wound up by it.
On queue. Sara snapped "Sam, this is a disciplinary hearing, not a court-room, and I'd appreciate it if you conduct yourself accordingly."
"My apologies Sara. But, if you will, please answer my question." I knew she couldn't, if she said they did, I'd ask to see one, if she said they didn't it was victimization, within 2 minutes of speaking, I'd managed to overturn 6 and a half pages of a 7 page report detailing how much of a fuck-up I was, and I hadn't even had to play my incerdibly dangerous trump card.
This was going well
User Reviews
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-26 09:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please tell me that you at least slap her during the next installment
(you smug bastard) hahaha
The dialogue in this is great.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-26 02:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-23 06:27:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am annoyed that this has a less than +2 rating. Fucking HR tramps.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-02-23 06:14:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pt 3 ===> http://www.ubersite.com/m/60283
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-22 12:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:10:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-22 08:30:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Post part 3 already!
------
It's coming Rad, It's coming.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-22 08:30:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Post part 3 already!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-22 08:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Spam, you rock.
HR are the bain of most office drones lives.
Submitted by Thor (user info) at 2005-02-22 08:00:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are a master of these office stories
if you haven't seen this old series by hairycoo, check it out: http://www.ubersite.com/m/22566
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-22 04:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-02-22 03:45:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:52:53 (#)
Ranking: -1
I know it's just a story and all but seriously, I work in HR and generally your pretty boned. If they've kept a log of your performance, consulted with you outside of the disciplinary system prior to the current action and generally followed procedure, taking on a more aggressive tone will only hasten your arse out the door. Unless your intention is to go out in style, in which case I'd say don't bother.
The other day we had a bloke write us an 18 page letter of resignation after a number of disputes. He wanted to go out in a shower of fireworks, spent a lot of time doing it. He'll be nothing more than an anecdote by the end of the month.
---
Don't get me wrong I'm not that bothered by the -1, but Berty, I think I hate you. I can almost hear the holier-than-thou, condescending tone of a typical HR jobsworth.
Berty, I've got news for you - your job is to find reasons to fire people, (only being HR you have to use terms like "let go" or 'Cessation of contract" because telling people the truth in HR is close to an act of blasphemy), do you understand this? - you ruin lives for a living.
The fact that you would even use somebody writing an 18 page resignation letter as anecdote sums up just what I hate about HR - you got rid of him and probably fucked up his life for a while and he was so upset by this that he spent the time to write 18 PAGES to you, and you think it's an anecdote? You think it's amusing that you could push somebody so far, they could think of EIGHTEEN PAGES of things to write about you in a desperate letter of resignation?!
Human RESOURCES, the clue's in the name - You don't see people, you just see a commodity to be sucked dry and then discarded - I'm not a resource I'm a person you smug fuck.
In closing, you blood-sucking turd, next time you sack somebody for having a tie over regulation length, have a think about weather it's really necessary or if you're just over-compensating for your repeated failure to satisfy a person sexually.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
wooooooooooooo here here... ha ha ha.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-22 03:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BURN!!!!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-02-22 03:45:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:52:53 (#)
Ranking: -1
I know it's just a story and all but seriously, I work in HR and generally your pretty boned. If they've kept a log of your performance, consulted with you outside of the disciplinary system prior to the current action and generally followed procedure, taking on a more aggressive tone will only hasten your arse out the door. Unless your intention is to go out in style, in which case I'd say don't bother.
The other day we had a bloke write us an 18 page letter of resignation after a number of disputes. He wanted to go out in a shower of fireworks, spent a lot of time doing it. He'll be nothing more than an anecdote by the end of the month.
---
Don't get me wrong I'm not that bothered by the -1, but Berty, I think I hate you. I can almost hear the holier-than-thou, condescending tone of a typical HR jobsworth.
Berty, I've got news for you - your job is to find reasons to fire people, (only being HR you have to use terms like "let go" or 'Cessation of contract" because telling people the truth in HR is close to an act of blasphemy), do you understand this? - you ruin lives for a living.
The fact that you would even use somebody writing an 18 page resignation letter as anecdote sums up just what I hate about HR - you got rid of him and probably fucked up his life for a while and he was so upset by this that he spent the time to write 18 PAGES to you, and you think it's an anecdote? You think it's amusing that you could push somebody so far, they could think of EIGHTEEN PAGES of things to write about you in a desperate letter of resignation?!
Human RESOURCES, the clue's in the name - You don't see people, you just see a commodity to be sucked dry and then discarded - I'm not a resource I'm a person you smug fuck.
In closing, you blood-sucking turd, next time you sack somebody for having a tie over regulation length, have a think about weather it's really necessary or if you're just over-compensating for your repeated failure to satisfy a person sexually.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-02-21 11:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I know it's just a story and all but seriously, I work in HR and generally your pretty boned. If they've kept a log of your performance, consulted with you outside of the disciplinary system prior to the current action and generally followed procedure, taking on a more aggressive tone will only hasten your arse out the door. Unless your intention is to go out in style, in which case I'd say don't bother.
The other day we had a bloke write us an 18 page letter of resignation after a number of disputes. He wanted to go out in a shower of fireworks, spent a lot of time doing it. He'll be nothing more than an anecdote by the end of the month.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:54:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was refering to the wapper.
"Informer. you know so Daddy Snow won't try to play ya - Licki boom boom down"
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:52:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We don't have snow here.
It's illegal.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:43:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, we're in the midst of a blizzard here in wellingborough, and I've got to walk the two miles home in about 40 minutes.
Snow sucks.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:37:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
On a side note, it's SNOWING!
In DORSET!
WOOOOOOOOOO!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's half written, it should be good to put up by tomorrow.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hi dee hi dee hi dee hi... ho dee ho dee ho dee ho. hi dee ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heheheheh Stin.
Is part 3 written?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To hell with one post a day, I want the next part now!!!!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I obviously work in the wrong orifice then, Apollo!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:04:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
My favourite typo EVAR:
"poor overall performance in the orifice"
It made me, y'know....
Well, hot.
-------------
I was worried nobody would pick up on that.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
doubt it is a typo stin.
People say 'meet me in my orrifice' all the time for a gag
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My favourite typo EVAR:
"poor overall performance in the orifice"
It made me, y'know....
Well, hot.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Post part 3 immediately!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-21 09:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hobbs (user info) at 2005-02-21 09:51:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-02-21 09:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2
you can't spell Disciplinary - tool.