Interactive Wedding Vows: Help me (1266 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.96 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-22 09:36:35 EST
As some of you know - and some you don't, and some of you couldn't give a fuck and about 30% of you have stopped reading because they can already tell I'm going to babble a fair bit in this post - I'm getting married to the Dutchman in about six weeks.
We're planning to write our own vows but.. well.. you people have seen the type of shit that I write and quite frankly, I'm having some trouble coming up with the perfect declaration of my love. I considered, briefly, reading the lyrics to "Closer" but my Mum's gonna be there and she's kinda fragile, emotionally.
So once again, I come to you for help. Any suggestions you can give would be appreciated. This is what I have so far, but I can change it.
I promise not to have sex with your friends and immediate family members. Not even that tall guy. Or the best man. Or the one who tells me I'm a cute brat and he'd like to chain me up in his house. No matter how much I want to.
I promise not to give you a hard time about being a rabid soccer fan. Even though I think it's a stupid sport, I will bite my tongue and not sing the praises of Aussie Rules football, or rugby. I won't even hit you when you teach the Boy to play soccer.
I promise not to get so drunk at my birthday that I fall down three flights of steps, vomit on you, and cry for three hours because my Daddy never loved me enough. Again.
I promise not to hump the furniture for laughs when your Mum is visiting.
I promise not to tell you that those stupid computer games you play are stupid. I understand that you playing Rome: Total War is no more pathetic than me playing Halo2 on the X-box and will endeavour at all times to never imitate the voices of the main characters in your games and say things like "I'm a faggot! This game is the ghey! Fuck my manly ass!"
I will never again put my hairband on you while you're watching TV and call you Alice, or say "oh you look so pretty... pretty, pretty manflesh..." I understand that you chased me around the room for twenty minutes and spanked me for my own good.
I will always remember that "Does my ass look big in this?" is a stupid question. I will appreciate the way you raise your eyebrows and say "Yes."
I will try to remember that when you say "Stay away from me for five minutes, you crazy nympho" you're saying it out of love.
I swear to always uphold the values you hold dear. That is to say, I will offer you constant oral sex and food. On your birthdays, I'll offer them at the same time.
I promise never to giggle at dutch words, or say really witty, clever things like "Dutch people are stupid." Again.
______
See what I mean? Any ideas at all would be gratefully received.
Google Image Search for "God have mercy on his soul."
User Reviews
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-17 10:35:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
angry are we?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-02-24 03:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish you the best of luck, Circe. Be sure to post pictures of the wedding so that I may obsessively look at them and cry, occasionally taping pictures of my own head on your body... pretending... and crying harder.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-24 02:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2005-02-24 00:12:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-02-22 23:56:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-02-22 23:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Add this:
I promise that the 5'6" guy in a kitten suit is REALLY a kitten. He just happens to look like JohnGalt. And I'll only reward him with sex for being a good kitty after you go to sleep...or while you're in the bathroom for any extended period of time...or if you're entralled with the TV. And never on the bed with you while you sleep. Again.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-02-22 22:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm heading to bed so i didn't read thru the replies.
I apologize if what i offer is a repeat.
"I vow to never let my vibrator become a total substitute for your touch. I promise it will only be used when you aren't available. My vast dildo collection will NEVER replace the warmth of your body, no matter how many orgasms they fill me with as you lay there snoring"
So many couples let the sex just die, don't do that, preserve the sex at all costs. Even if you must throw in an occasional mutual rape session, whatever, just keep doing teh sex!!!11!1
-that's all i got
i'm a sleepy
goodnight, 4am. comes early....ugh..
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-22 21:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And I think that 'Closer' is a GREAT set of wedding vows. If I ever had to get married (shudder), I'd either do that (with appropriate footnotes, of course) or show up in work pants, steel-toed boots, and a t-shirt, and read through the entire ceremony. In a corner. And I wouldn't notice anything like people looking at me funny. Wait, that sounds like church for me right now. What a coincidence.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-22 21:39:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When my mother and father were married, the minister (who is a friend of theirs) got to the promising to love and obey bit, and said "...'til you can't take it anymore" instead of "'til death do you part"
Dad thought it was funny. Mom... not so much. Oh well.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-22 21:28:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, you rule. I need to find a girl like you.
Except maybe slightly less dangerous.
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2005-02-22 15:23:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
being a young bachelor, I'm inclined to go with either A)what you have already (it sounds fine to me) or B)what ETS said.
Now you know why I'm a bachelor
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-22 15:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1997-we had a civil ceremony in a beautiful stately home, i can't remember what the vows were- it only took a few minutes- i think it was do you want to get married? and we said yes. mr c1ndy cried all the way through because he had to marry me. or as he puts it "a bit of dust came throught the door into his eye when i walked in"
congratulations!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:57:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is all news to me, so congratulations. You've been through some shit and you truly deserve to be happy. All the best to you and yours.
As for the post, I knew it was getting a +2 as soon as you mentioned "Closer." Then it only got better. You rock sooooo much.
I don't know this man that you are marrying, but I am insanely jealous. Being as I am married myself, I'm not sure that's a good thing.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-22 13:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God damnit, Jester, she *IS* knobbing Christ!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-22 13:06:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marriage is for Suckers.... but here. Have a +2 for your misery.
Submitted by BludKake (user info) at 2005-02-22 12:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Leave out everything except:
"I swear to always uphold the values you hold dear. That is to say, I will offer you constant oral sex and food. On your birthdays, I'll offer them at the same time."
Seriously, you know there are only two ways to a man's heart: 1)Stomach 2)Penis, which hangs below stomach.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:43:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a beer church minister perform the ceremony. they have a nice service all drawn up already. I think you can find it at beerchurch.com
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife and I really didn't do any formal vows. The bishop conducting the ceremony said a bunch of stuff like, "thou shalt not have three-ways" or something, and the hawt wife of mine(Mrs. Rad?) later told me I just rolled my eyes at him.
Thats what I get when I have a Mormon conduct a ceremony for a Wiccan and a Jew-for-Jesus.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your vows should be as follows:
I promise nothing. Promises are for fools who enjoy setting themselves up for disappointment.
I can tell you that I will love you until I stop loving you.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to hear something about you smothered in baby oil with your knees and elbows pressed together on the floor.
you know... for birthdays and such.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still cant believe y ou're getting married.....
to a MAN of all people....
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it me, or is the chick in the green in the lower center window sucking off Jesus?
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:05:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd get rid of him if he likes vegemite. Imagine if he eats a cracker piled high with that shit and then goes down on you. You'd never forgive yourself.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:51:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha!
Hate Sex.
Now there is something I've never had.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark, I understand your pain and rage and anger and.. rage.. and.... oh.... anger....
I love good hate sex.....
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
We wrote our own vows 20-something years ago.
Much to the delight of our 200 guests, the entire ceremony took about 9 minutes.
On to the reception!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BigMike, that's beautiful. There won't be a dry eye in the house. He thinks "BigMike" is Swahili for "Harder."
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How could a woman who was raised by Dingo's be so brilliant and how could you even consider marrying someone else after our time together?
Oh how fickle is the female mind. How soon they forget long nights of torturous drunken sex and the soft bray of the Jumbuck
Have you forgot the Romance, the candles, the wax pooling between my heaving breasts?
I mean your breasts!
or...
Was I wearing breasts that night...
Fuck it whatever, somewhere there were some breasts.
Have you forgotten the grand adventure we shared when we thought Dingo's stole my baby?
I see you have...
You have shattered my fragile Canadian heart in a way that has only happened 23.7 times before but I still love you.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dearest darling, these are my vows to you.
I vow to always love you no matter how you smell or what you look like.
I vow to ignore all the little things you do that make me want to slit your throat with a straight razor.
I vow to always keep the kids a safe distance away from our "toys".
I vow to never have you wake up to see me standing over you with a shotgun pressed to your temple in the middle of the night again.
I vow never to tell you where those little dings in the side of the car came from. I will always let you discover them yourself and wonder if you caused them.
I vow to pretend I am enjoying sex even when I'd rather be looking through the Victoria's Secret catalogue.
I vow to erase "Beat Houstons record of a 630 guy gang bang" from the list of my goals hanging on the fridge.
I vow to always tell you that you are hung like a horse even though you're not.
I vow to only Uber after you have fallen asleep and I vow never to think about it while you are actually inside me and I also vow to stop calling out "Bigmike, Bigmike!" While we are in the middle of doggie style sex.
I vow to start burying my "hobbies" under the porch rather than in the garden.
I vow to love you until the day you die but I can't guarantee that day won't be soon.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:22:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:20:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote, I should have gotten you to plan the damned wedding. I'm paying $300 to some guy named Stan who smells like fermented milk and twitches when he hears the word "overhead".
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:18:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOu should include something about swallowing.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I promise that I will try on all lingere you buy for me, even if I feel like I am wear what floss uses for floss."
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:12:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:02:48 (#)
(On a sidenote, how much will I have to pay the celebrant to actually say that, do you think? It has everything I always wanted in a vow.)
----------------------------------------------
All Prices in US dollars:
Roman Catholic Priest: $500
Episcopal Minister: $350
Presbyterian: $250
Satanic High Priest: Included in standard service
Mormon: Are you kidding? Those guys don't even drink coffee!
Orthodox Jewish: $100, as long as the brain-slurpees are kosher
Wiccan Priestess: Free, but you have to promise to buy something from her booth at the next renaissance faire.
Dutch Reform Church: Dat kan niet.
Southern Baptist: $50, but you have to explicitly state that no fetuses were included in the cannibal zombie-fodder.
The Pope: Free. (You really think he knows where he is or what he's saying these days?)
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:09:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:07:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy, we've decided to leave 'obey' out of the vows altogether. We're replacing it with words like "bribe", "blackmail", "guilt trip", "threaten", "beg", and "power tools."
This is going to be a fun marriage.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You get 2 plus2's today, one for the post and one for the above response...
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:08:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe you could just sing him "Every rose has its thorn"?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:07:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy, we've decided to leave 'obey' out of the vows altogether. We're replacing it with words like "bribe", "blackmail", "guilt trip", "threaten", "beg", and "power tools."
This is going to be a fun marriage.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:03:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just make sure he "obeys" you...not vice versa.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - I do. Unreservedly.
(On a sidenote, how much will I have to pay the celebrant to actually say that, do you think? It has everything I always wanted in a vow.)
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Stay away from me for five minutes, you crazy nympho" you're saying it out of love."
That says it all right there.
Fantastic.
Congrats to you, you sweet thing. You deserve all the
happiness in the world and then some!!
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-02-22 10:00:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oral sex and dinner? Damn, you know how to treat a man right.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:59:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Do you, Lyn, vow that when Maarten is savagely mauled by a strange spider-monkey from the Amazon basin and contracts a flesh-eating virus that turns him into a blackened, foul, zombie with an insatiable lust for human brains and terrible personal hygiene, you will hide his affliction from the world, keeping him chained in the basement while lovingly spoon-feeding him a pate made from the internal organs of your friends and neighbors, forcing you to resort to ever more daring daylight murders using chainsaws, corkscrews, and rototillers, until when forced to choose between saving your children's lives or sacrificing them to the memory of the man you once loved, you blow his head off with a shotgun in a climactic scene that involves your clothes somehow being ripped off?"
(That's just the long version of "in sickness and in health", but it helps to be specific)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:49:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I promise that I won't get mad when your friends pay you money to watch me sleep"
____________
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!
Perfect.
Ainkara - He. Actually. Likes. Vegemite. *blink blink*
Coyote - But.. you're the only one who'll pay me for them...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As far as I can tell, you've written the best vows ever.
Not much longer to wait, my dear.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dutch is the sergeant in Predator. +2
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:49:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I promise that I won't get mad when your friends pay you money to watch me sleep"
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I.... got nothing.
How about I promise to tie you down and feed you Vegemite? I promise to restrain myself as much as possible from covering your face with lipstick when you're asleep?
See, told you I got nothing. I suck at this.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I suppose I can take time out of my busy schedule, as a special favor. But I want 10% of the profits.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I find that I come up with the best descriptors of love when I think about it for a good long while. You know how you feel when you're around him. Think about how that feels, and describe it in a way more complex than, "He's great."
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:45:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - oh dear! Whoever can I ask to approve the pictures first?
Stin - I'm stealing the goat thing.
Hadooken - the fact that he's upright and taking nourishment says "No", to me.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:42:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God have mercy on his soul indeed.
I can't even offer to help you. I got as far as "I promise that I will give you random blowjobs and not fuck goats whilst you're out at work".
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:42:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, go ahead and give him a hard time about soccer. It's a ridiculous sport, and deep down everyone knows it. That's why the fans are so violent.
Plus, you should promise that you'll never post naked pics of your boobs on the internet without the approval of at least one Ubersite user.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
has he ever given you the Dutch Oven?