a conversation with denial (784 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by loki (View user info) at 2005-02-22 13:47:54 EST
Denial: I have to be honest with you here Loki, this time you've gone completely sideways.
Loki: I don't know what you mean.
D: Of course you don't, that's why I'm here. You're going to have to face up to this eventually.
L: I'm really busy right now, I don't have time to deal with this.
D: Sure you're busy. That explains why it took you over three hours yesterday to reconcile the Foundation books.
L: Look, there were a Lot of errors, this is a really busy time for charities. It's normally not that involved.
D: Right and while you were staring blankly out the window, what were you doing then, pondering the returned check discrepancy between the bank and the books?
L: go away
D: I can't go away, if I did reality would come crashing into your cube and you already said you don't want that.
L: I don't want to talk about it.
D: At Least face up to the "it" you don't want to talk about.
L: no, who the hell did he think he was, Hemmingway?
D: Ah there it is, you're angry.
L: No, I'm not angry.
D: ok, abandoned then
L: Don't be ridiculous I didn't even know the man. He did what he did for his own reasons and I respect that. He didn't owe me anything.
D: If you keep telling yourself that then eventually maybe just maybe you'll buy it.
L: Will you please just fuck off and Leave me alone
D: What do you think happened?
L: fuck if I know, I thought I told you to leave.
D: I know you've thought about it.
L: most likely depression, that's what got Hemmingway other than that, who knows maybe he had a terminal disease and decided to end it on his own terms. I told you I don't fucking know.
D: It kind of pissed you off when Janelle said it was cowardly didn't it?
L: yea it did, then it pissed me off that it pissed me off. Why should I give a shit what someone thinks who's highest aspiration in Life is to eat an entire Kitchen Sink at Disney. How could she understand any of this?
D: Ah so there it is, you think no one but you understands, bit egotistical don't you think?
L: No that isn't true, a Lot of people understand but not everyone and the people who don't understand are the ones jumping to conclusions. It wasn't just about drugs, there was far more to it than that.
D: And yet Janelle and even the woo hoo drugs crowd has as much right to make their own conclusions as you do, or do you no longer believe in free expression.
L: I don't want to talk about it anymore. I shouldn't have mentioned it to Janelle. It was my mistake.
D: So you're just going to hide out here pretending that it's all a dream.
L: yes
D: Right and any day now Douglas Adams is going to write a new novel, maybe Jerry Garcia is going to release a new CD and let's not forget Theodor Geisel, maybe he will do some more drawings. Oh I know Jack Kerouac will publish a new book.
L: that was different, all of them died of natural causes, except Kerouac.
D: I thought Kerouac died of natural causes, did he not?
L: No, he killed himself when he voted for Barry Goldwater
D: You do kind of hold grudges don't you?
L: Shouldn't you be spinning me some sort of fable about how all things work out in the end and how he's in a better place now?
D: That would be long term denial, I am only short term denial. Eventually, you'll have to climb out of your meaningless numbers and financial statement disclosures and deal with reality. The bottom line is that he's dead, there is nothing that can change that, there is no going back.
L: I know
D: There is something that I am sensing from you that it different from all the other times I've come to visit. Why do I sense envy, this is a dangerous emotion not to be toyed with.
L: Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself.
D: but yet you do not fear death?
L: No I don't, I fear dying but not death. There is a difference.
D: And you feel like he's faced down something you fear. That makes you jealous.
L: Maybe, just a little. It's always there isn't it, hanging over all of our heads. He met it head on and took it down, his own way. There is great power in that, it is hardly cowardly.
D: Do you remember that time at the farm with the gun?
L: I didn't think anyone knew about that.
D: I knew about it. How long did you stand there facing yourself in the mirror, staring yourself down with a loaded cocked Smith & Wesson 9mm? Why didn't you pull that trigger then?
L: I didn't want to die then, I don't want to die now, I just want to face down death until I lose my fear.
D: So that's what you think no one understands? You cannot face death and win, death always wins, it is the way of things
L: yes it is the way of things
D: I'm going to leave you now. Watch for me, guard against my return. I am your enemy.
User Reviews
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2005-09-18 12:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm leaving Loki=auto+2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-23 14:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah so there is it, thanks wookie this makes me feel a lot better. I knew it, I fucking knew he didn't just snap and shoot himself. It just wouldn't have been his way.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-02-23 14:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DENVER -- Journalist Hunter S. Thompson did not take his life "in a moment of haste or anger or despondency" and probably planned his suicide well in advance because of his declining health, the family's spokesman said Wednesday.
Douglas Brinkley, a historian and author who has edited some of Thompson's work, said the founder of "gonzo" journalism shot himself Sunday night after weeks of pain from a host of physical problems that included a broken leg and a hip replacement.
"I think he made a conscious decision that he had an incredible run of 67 years, lived the way he wanted to, and wasn't going to suffer the indignities of old age," Brinkley said in a telephone interview from Aspen. "He was not going to let anybody dictate how he was going to die."
Thompson, famous for "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and other works of New Journalism, spent an intimate weekend with his son, Juan, daughter-in-law, Jennifer, and young grandson, William, the spokesman said.
"He was trying to really bond and be close to the family" before his suicide, Brinkley said. "This was not just an act of irrationality. It was a very pre-planned act."
The family is looking into whether Thompson's cremated remains can be blasted out of a cannon, a wish the gun-loving writer often expressed, Brinkley said.
"The optimal, best-case scenario is the ashes will be shot out of a cannon," he said.
Other arrangements were pending.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-23 02:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It is okay to be fucked up about something like this. It is okay to take it personally. I'm not trying to tear down your idol here, I'm just trying to talk you in off the ledge.
There will be plenty of time to tear down your idol later.
Kidding! (Mostlly - don't check out my HST post.)
Seriously though, if you want to talk about it, e-mail me. I know a bit about greiving. No unwarranted politics or spirituality, I promise.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-22 23:55:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It is absolutely insane to take this personally, but somehow I'm taking this personally."
Not a damn bit insane.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-22 23:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm still pissy about this. I think I need some outdoor time or better yet, a road trip maybe a combination of both.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-02-22 22:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HST would have approved...
I'm sorry that you've lost one of your heroes.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-02-22 19:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pleasantly disturbing, like the reflection of a 9mm in one's mirror. +++
(Hope you never face that image again.)
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-02-22 17:25:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm actually a bit suprised he reached the age he did.
i think it's absurd and offensive to categorise people who kill themselves as cowards.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-22 17:17:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We have a stigma against suicide in this culture that may or may not be justified. It isn't always cowardly nor is it always courageous. I just don't know how to process this one. Clearly there is nothing that can be done about it now but I'm more fucked up about this than I realized. I'm off center right now, it usually takes a lot to knock me off center. It is absolutely insane to take this personally, but somehow I'm taking this personally.
I think it's really hard when someone you believe in and trust gives up. Especially with no warning and no explanation whatsoever. It's easy to take it personally when you know them, and I can see how without even exactly knowing them you can feel let down because you're part of the world that they gave up on. So I don't think it's insane that you're taking it hard.
After 8 years I'm still a little fucked up over something similar.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-22 17:01:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, loki.
Loki.
Jebus.
I wish I had done this when DA died, i thought it (but nowhere near as well executed and moving as this) but didn't carry through.
Props.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-02-22 16:49:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I grow up, I want to be loki.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2005-02-22 16:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not saying it was cowardly, I just doubt it was courageous. It probably lies somewhere between the two extremems.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-22 16:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-22 16:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe it was courageous and maybe it wasn't. There is really just no way of knowing what goes on in another person's head. What will disappoint me is if he turns out to have been tripping and thought he was firing at snakes crawling on his head.
To pull the trigger on it being a cowardly act without knowing the impetus is a bit narrow minded.
We have a stigma against suicide in this culture that may or may not be justified. It isn't always cowardly nor is it always courageous. I just don't know how to process this one. Clearly there is nothing that can be done about it now but I'm more fucked up about this than I realized. I'm off center right now, it usually takes a lot to knock me off center. It is absolutely insane to take this personally, but somehow I'm taking this personally.
odd really
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-22 16:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree that it is hard to catagorize this as a "courageous" act.
Loki, denial is all well and good, but you might want to have a conversation with "rationalization" too.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2005-02-22 16:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hunter was great and we don't know the reasons why he did it but if I had to guess I wouldn't classify it as a courageous act.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-22 15:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-02-22 15:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great.
I'm going to start reading Fear and Loathing again.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-02-22 15:21:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for even knowing who douglas adams is, not to mention mourning his death.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-22 15:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:02:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
Douglas Adams is dead?
We all knew Hunter was going soon, you don't play that much with guns, and chemicals at the same time without someting like that happening.
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Unfortunately it's true.
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:25:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am not sure I understand.
Yet I really liked the way it read.
Take a +2.
-Dave
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:07:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written. I am almost afraid to ask who this is in reference to.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:02:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Douglas Adams is dead?
We all knew Hunter was going soon, you don't play that much with guns, and chemicals at the same time without someting like that happening.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:01:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PLUS
FUCKING
TWO
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-22 14:01:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thought you were talking about Asimov.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-22 13:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa.
I might be a little worried though. Some fears are there for a reason and probably shouldn't be overcome, dear. Truly.