Observations upon Divorce: Part I (608 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.83 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FLAK <yo yo mama> (View user info) at 2005-02-22 17:59:57 EST
As those who are divorced surely know and those who have yet to be divorced might imagine, adapting to the single lifestyle after several years of marriage is a strange metamorphosis to say the least. My divorce was finalized last November following nine long years of marriage. Of course, time is relative and nine years is perhaps a short marriage in the greater scheme of things but nine years of bad marriage is certainly enough time for one to become complacent or at least a bit rusty in the ways of romance.
The first hurdle is sex. In my case, which is certainly rare, I maintained at least one vow. I was always faithful. Which, when one takes into account the years spent dating prior to our nuptials, means that I had slept with one and only one woman for nearly twelve years. Although my wife was always physically attractive with her clothes on, the ravages of childbirth left sagging breasts and stretch-marked skin that only a husband could love. I say "love" but it was actually a decision. I convinced myself that she was sexually attractive by training my mind to overlook the glaring imperfections with the knowledge that, other than my trusty hand, there was no other reasonable option for sexual gratification. I was stuck with this one for a while and I could either learn to like it or suffer. In reality I ended up somewhere in between.
When divorce coldly threw me onto the chopping block that is the modern dating scene my years of self imposed mind control became my albatross. The first hurdle was the purchase of condoms. I felt like I was in high-school again. I hadn't purchased any sort of prophylactic for what seemed like an eternity. Following the birth of my second child I saw fit to get "fixed" so there would be no more worries about unplanned pregnancy. I could drive with no hands without fear of crashing. It did seem ironic that I probably had a greater chance of acquiring some social disease from my whore of a wife than from any of the young beauties I have dated since, but nonetheless, condoms were and are a must-have.
Just buying the damned things was a challenge in itself. There are so many brands with so many sizes, shapes, thicknesses, lubes, spermicides, insecticides, remote controls, mud tires, etc. that I stood speechless in front of the overwhelming array of jimmy-hats for nearly 15 minutes. Looking back now I realize I must have looked like a true dumbass. I want to be one of those guys who walks up to the condom display with a swagger representing coital confidence and grabs the right box with the unflinching speed and accuracy of a coked up prize fighter. Instead I looked more like an old man with bad eyes comparing the active ingredients of over the counter laxatives.
Once I finally arrived at a decision, which basically consisted of, "Aw, fuck it, these'll do," I headed toward the checkout counter. A slightly overweight checker sporting braces and a metallic gold scrunchy glanced at my quarry and gave me a knowing grin as I approached her station. Perhaps she was hoping I might give one of my new raincoats a test-drive on her four-lane love highway or perhaps she noticed the beads of sweat surfacing on the forehead of my ruddy face. Nonetheless, her chrome smile only added to my already noticeable discomfort. She scanned the box as I laid my twenty on the counter, her longing for eye contact and me avoiding it like a Muslim offered a ham sandwich. Soon, but not soon enough, I flew through the automatic door and felt the first nips of winter on the fall breeze that offered welcome relief to the sauna in my shirt.
Tonight would be the night I would hopefully put at least one of these slimy cum-catchers to work
To be continued...
User Reviews
Submitted by Delora (user info) at 2005-02-22 19:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It makes me wonder what my husband thinks about. Thankfully neither of us are whore bitches ( not that you are ). I'm glad you're happy though. Everyone deserves that at some point. Hope your kids are handling it well.
Submitted by DarthFaded (user info) at 2005-02-22 19:11:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey not that the concept of divorce is a good one, it does suck, really bad... But in all honesty, I am better off...
I have a awesome Girlfriend that treats me great and is ridiculously hot to boot... and she has had a kid but does not look it in the slightest..
I have a much higher paying job of which I can do as I please with it..
Meanwhile the Ex filed BK, makes a menial and trivial amount of cash and her new Beau is a borderline alcoholic, with a chinsy job.
Life is good.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-22 18:53:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Divorce rules! Who wants to lok at stretch marks for the next 50 years or so?
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2005-02-22 18:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-02-22 18:21:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no fun
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-02-22 18:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Divorce sucks. I lost everything.
Except my pride. Even she couldn't take that away.