Jesus and I have waged a war of attrition. The son of god better step his game up. (815 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.8 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wildcat (View user info) at 2005-02-23 15:06:55 EST
Well, if you can't tell by now by my previous posts, I hate my life and have been choreographing my suicide. In almost all aspects, things suck.
For instance, I play rugby on two teams: my school team and the local men's team. I weigh around 205 lbs and stand at a staggering 5'8. I'm 200 pounds of death on the field, especially in a sport where leverage on your opponent can sway a play in your favor. Currently, my school team is not in season so a select few of us are playing on the men's team. Here's the scenario that finally pushed me into finally accepting my life sucks...........
It's 40 degrees outside and I'm standing in rugby shorts, which are comparable to black daisy dukes that He-man couldn't rip if he tried. I'm wearing an undershirt and a long sleeve T-shirt and I'm soaked to the bones, covered in mud, and grass is on my face and in my hair. Life is good. But wait, it gets better. Our coach, an old salt from England, decides that us "stupid fucking Americans" (read that in an English accent) are too thick and too ready to tackle. He decides we are going to work on agility via a leap frog sort of drill. His intentions are good in that he wants us to be able to avoid tackles as well as break them.
We begin by lying on the ground and setting a ball on our right side. Each time a man steps over us he is supposed to pick up the ball and step over the next guy and set the ball. We did this fairly well at first but at a slow as pace, so, we had to do it again at game pace. I ran through it first from the end of the line and came to the front and set the ball on my side while hitting the deck. Two guys followed my movements but the third guy........oh that third guy, that asshole. Literally two seconds before it happened I smelled it, and it was nasty. The asshole reached for the ball as he went to step over and smashed my skull not into the ground. Oh no, that wouldn't make me realize that I hate my life. Instead, he smashed my face into some dog shit. Yes my friends, that's right, dog shit. Out of the entire field, I had found the only pile of dog shit in the grass. I quickly realized that my skull had not pounced off of the grass but had instead found a softer substitute. My natural reaction was to bring my head up from the dirt and wipe my forehead off, but I then found that I was smearing the warm gooey center of the shit across my head. What kind of fucking dog eats caramel or even a caramel-like substance? The smell went away almost instantly as I wiped mud into it as I attempted to wipe it off. As I looked around, the gleam of a steeple glared in my eyes. No one noticed, well, no one but god. But fuck him anyway; we've been fighting for years. He might have gotten me this time but I'll get him later.
Here is another instance of me hating my life and Jesus fucking with me:
I am currently dating a very fine woman. I'm talking one of those girls that's really fucking hot and you normally don't have a chance with. However, girls like this apparently have all sorts of emotional and insecurity issues which allowed me to move right in. We actually worked together at a bar when we first started dating, then she moved on to Hooters. Fucking Yay.
Although I'm dating hot girl #1, hot girl #2 and #3 are now harassing me for a chance. Not that I'm not a fine piece of man meat, but if I was single this shit would NOT be happening. Some people on this site know what I mean.
Hot girl #2 has a boob job, a perfect ass, and is willing to be friends with benefits. It's so unreal that I can't make it up. She called me today on my lunch break and wanted to know when her chance is. She also called to let me know that her and hot girl #3 had just been talking about me. Hot girl #2 informed me that she'd get rid of her cats and let me tie her up and "have my way" with her whenever I wanted. As you can suspect, she's fucking crazy. Crazy, but really hot. I told her to send some pictures so if I get them I'll be posting them on here because I really don't give a shit about her.
Hot girl #3 is actually an old ex-girlfriend from high school. She's a fine-ass red head. Apparently I have a fetish for red heads. Anyway, we broke up four years ago and she talks about how good things were and how she's waiting for my current relationship to fail so that she can move in on me. As a reference for everyone, I've slept with a decent number of women throughout my college escapades and this particular girl is still the one by which I judge all blowjobs and kinkiness. She was that good. Hell, she was that good and we were just seniors in high school. I've been with several hot, emotionally unstable women that still don't match up to her level of cock dedicatedness. Also, she told hot girl #2 that she is going to marry me and help me find Jesus when we get married. He's obviously playing mind games.
So here I sit, in my office, watching my Japanese boss open another Miller High Life while talking on the phone. I'm thinking about how much things suck for me as far as moral decisions and life experiences have gone. I've decided I need to leave the country or something. Getting drunk and taking left over Vicadin isn't working anymore. If I were to break up with the current girlfriend, these girls would obviously lose interest in me. So it's like this: Stay with current girl and get sporadically laid, or, break up and hope that I get laid at least once by the psycho girls.
Jesus is fucking with me and I'm scoping out the local convent for possible retaliations.
Here is another instance of his pestering presence:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52925
User Reviews
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-02-24 08:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Careful what you wish for, Jesus can be a clever son of a bitch sometimes.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-02-24 08:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
200 lbs = a little over 14 stone
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-23 20:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dman you Americans and your imperial system which I do not understand.
To me 200 pounds sounds like "i can't fit out of a door" fat.
Thus i kept picturing you eating a McFillet of Fish throughout the part of this post i bothered to read.
Thus random +2.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-23 18:24:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-02-23 15:40:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Having three hot women competing for your dick, and you're mad at Jesus?
You ought to hit your fucking knees right now and not get up until Sunday night.
**************************8
Damn right.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-23 17:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What makes you think this is Jesus' doing?
Sounds to me more like the other guy, if you know what I mean...
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-02-23 17:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, you're life totally sucks. You should definitely off yourself ASAP, but send me the red-head's phone # before you go. Cheers!
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-23 16:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my bad +2
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-23 16:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
attrition was in readers digest as one of the ways to enrich your word power or whatever this month. good word.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-23 16:22:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-23 16:12:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get a 4-way going.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-02-23 16:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Title was better than the story, but that's a damn good title.
Submitted by KillWomen (user info) at 2005-02-23 16:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about you just cheat on your girlfriend?
I mean, you're not gunna marry the bitch, right?
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-02-23 15:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Having three hot women competing for your dick, and you're mad at Jesus?
You ought to hit your fucking knees right now and not get up until Sunday night.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-23 15:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's a good way to commit suicide: Have both of those slores sex you to death.
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-02-23 15:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-23 15:12:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mamories...