The Night I Tried To Outdrink My Big German Friend (Tales From Northeastern CT) (423 hits)
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Submitted by ac21587 (View user info) at 2005-02-23 23:20:57 EST
As apparent from the title, I live in the northeasterm corner of Connecticut. The only interesting about this area is that the
University of Connecticut campus resides in Storrs, CT, a mere 12 min drive from my house. I'd like to say that I party at UCONN
all the time and pass out in my dorm, but I'm only a senior in high school. But, my high school is right on the edge of the
UCONN campus, so many of my fellow high schoolers spend their weekends hanging out with past graduated kids who moved all
of five feet from their homes to a dorm. Ever heard of Spring Weekend? It's an infamous party weekend at UCONN and only half
of the people there actually go to UCONN; the other half are from surrounding colleges and kids like me.
Besides party mooching at UCONN, there is a random but amazing occurrence for us: the house party. When parents go away,
it's time for us to get out the alcohol we've bought off of older siblings hidden deep in our closets. One glorious weekend, my
friend Eric's parents went to visit Eric's older sister at BC. Eric invited only a few people, but in a school like mine, the whole
senior class knew about it come party time. I showed up and all the familiar signs of a house party were in sight: those red
plastic cups, about a dozen packages of ping pong balls and a bonfire. I took my Captain Morgan and Smirnoff vodka and
headed outside to find Eric. Now Eric is probably the biggest person I've ever met. He's about 5'8" and about 250 lbs; he plays
football and most of his weight is muscle. When I find him, he's drinking some piss poor light beer out of this huge mug he
bought when his family took a vacation back to Germany, and by the smell on him, this isn't his first glass.
"Heeyy, " he punches me in the arm as hard as he can, "glad you could make it. What the fuck is that? Captain? God, you're
such a pussy when it comes to drinking."
Me?? Alright, I'm not an alcoholic, but I can keep up with the best of them. I told him just that, and he proceeded to punch me again and tell me, "girls can't drink like us boys can. Go inside and find yourself a fellow vagina."
Ohhhhh, no he didn't. "Hey, fuck you Eric. I can drink just as much as you can." As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I had just dug myself into a big ass hole.
"Oh really? Alright then, let's do it. We'll go drink for drink and see who can outlast who." Shit. Open mouth, insert foot. I'm absolutely fucked.
I started with my raspberry Smirnoff and finished it with ease. It was near the end of my Captain that I began to feel it. I was
talking to someone and all the scenery behind him just would not stop moving. Fuck, I thought, I'm gonna lose this bet. After
the Captain, Eric made me drink his beer with him. It was Coors Light, a step up from his usual Keystone. I'd like to say though
that I absolutely fuckin hate beer...I hate the way it tastes, I hate the way it smells, I hate the way it feels in my stomach...I just
fuckin hate it. But I couldn't tell Eric that; he'd just punch me again. And god damn, he punches hard.
So I'm drinking my ass-tastic tasting shitty beer and trying to hold on to all shreds of consciousness. The last thing I remember clearly was sitting on a stool in the kitchen and wondering why the floor was coming so close to my face. And you know how sometimes when you drink, you may not remember anything coherently, but you'll have random moments where you're aware of everything that's going on? I call these sober moments, and I had my first one sitting on the ground in the woods, and I realized I was peeing. Now, you may ask, why was I peeing in the woods? Well, I have no fuckin idea but I'm so used to partying in the woods that it didn't really bother me at the time. The second sober moment I had was at the beer pong table; my two girl friends were playing against two other guys and I remember flashing them my boob when the guys went to shoot. I also remember them calling me a cheating whore, and then asking to see the other boob. The last and sober moment of the night was in the backseat of a car. I had no idea who the other three people in the car were and noticed that we'd been pulled over by a cop. Ohh, but this was no ordinary cop; it was a UCONN cop. Anyone who goes to UCONN or lives near the area knows how unbelievably bastardly and prickish the UCONN cops are. The cop was grilling the driver and kept asking him where the drugs were. The guy sitting next to me slowly pulled a small bag out of his pocket and told me to put it between my boobs. I did, and leaned over to him, and in what I thought was a whisper but was probably very loud told him, "don't worry...my boobs are like a big black cave. Your treasure will be safe in here."
The next thing I know, there's lots of light and whatever I'm lying on top of is hard as hell. I slowly get up and try to recognize where I am. I was in a basement of someone's house and there was a strange Puerto Rican sleeping next to me. I look around the room and there's a whole bunch of people sleeping on top of each other and empty cans and bottles everywhere.
"Where the fuck am I?" I ask.
"You're in my basement, you fucker." I look over to the speaker and its my big German friend, Eric. He had a beer in one hand and a partially empty bottle of Absolut in his other hand. "I told you that no vagina can conquer my ability to drink. Now here, take this Absolut before I punch you again."
I took the bottle and laid it next to the Puerto Rican and the newly discovered vomit the Puerto Rican was laying in. My head
was pounding and I saw black magic marker on my chest that said, "BOOBIES" and had arrows pointing downwards. As I rolled
over to go back to sleep, I knew that was the first and last time I would ever try to outdrink my big German friend.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2005-02-24 00:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ghey (user info) at 2005-02-23 23:32:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
boobies
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2005-02-23 23:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Randall?