A little South of the Border (1106 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Michael Jackson (View user info) at 2005-02-24 10:06:00 EST
Oh Uberfriends!
My last 2 weeks have been absolutely insane! As most of you have probably heard by now, another nasty lie is going around, stating that I was recently rushed to hospital in a critical condition.
This is a complete lie! Why my PA came up with this ridiculous story is beyond me.
My tale begins on the evening of February the 15th. I (Michael Jackson) was sitting back on my porch, bottle of tequila in my right hand, bag of pork rinds in my left. Doing what any normal, law abiding American would be doing on a Tuesday night.
I'd had a hectic week so far! Court appearances, jury selections, wasting taxpayer's money for no good reason, you know, the usual Michael Jackson stuff.
All of a sudden an out of control car crashed into the gates of my estate, sending them flying. The car raced down my drive and started wheel spinning around my Millie Vanilli memorial fountain.
It was then that I realized that this was no ordinary car! This was a black 1982 Pontiac Trans-Am!
Now there are only 2 people I know that drive a black 1982 Pontiac Trans-Am - my good friend, Bart Bart (Of "Ubersite" fame), and my sworn enemy, David Hasselhoff (Of "Revenge of the Cheerleaders" fame).
I instantly dismissed the car belonging to Bart Bart. Firstly, the car didn't have the personalized Chicago plates "GHEY MENZ" and secondly, it was after 9pm and way past his bed time, also there was no way his mother would let him be out this late, especially on a work night! (Even though I thought maybe it was Bart Bart, coming to apologize for banning Habeeb. Free Habeeb! WOO!)
This could only mean that the car belonged to David! I was scared Uberchums! David was obviously still mad from that time me and my good friend, Tony Danza, had kicked his leather wearing ass at the Viper Room last month.
It was too late to try and escape, the car did one more lap around the fountain and came to a hand brake stop at the base of the steps leading up to where I'd been sitting.
Well Uber boys and girls, your uncle Michael wasn't going out without a fight! I smashed my tequila bottle in half and prepared for battle. I was sure watching all those "Ninja Kids" movies over and over would have taught me some moves by now.
But I was totally unprepared for what would climb out of that car that Tuesday evening.
The door had opened and two feet became visible beneath it. A pool of alcohol-induced vomit followed them. The owner of the feet climbed out of the car and wiped some excess vomit from the corner of his mouth.
"Michael! Hurry the fuck up and get in the back of the car you high voiced bitch! There's no time to explain."
Oh joy Uberfriends! It wasn't David Hasselhoff, it was Tony Danza!
"Tony! What's going o...", but I was cut short.
"I said there's no time to explain Michael you homo! Quickly, before the cops get here!"
Wow Uber boys and girls! This sounded serious!
I climbed into the back of the car and Tony put his foot down. We reached the end of the drive and Tony pulled a hand brake turn into the street. Off in the distance I could hear the sirens approaching.
Regaining my senses, I noticed for the first time that Tony and I weren't alone in the car, someone else had taken my usual place in the shot gun seat. He turned around and extended (Tee hee, extend) a hand in my direction.
"John Stamos. Big fan, it's an honor to meet you Michael. My friends call me John, but you can call me Uncle Jesse."
I shook his hand, still recovering from the shock of the events that had just occurred.
I asked Tony where he'd gotten David Hasselhoff's car from. He went on to explain that he and Uncle Jesse had been cruising down Pico Boulevard, trying to formulate a plan, when they'd spotted it parked outside Club 4067, a well known gay night club. They'd decided to ditch Tony's orange Hummer, as it was too conspicuous, and steal the Trans-Am.
Friends, let me tell you, Tony has a history with stolen vehicles and has been charged with grand theft auto on numerous occasions. Obviously he's gotten off every time, due to the fact that he's a huge celebrity. The most recent one that I could recall, was the last time Tony had gone out drinking with Michael Keaton, stolen the Batmobile and driven it into Hugh Hefner's swimming pool. Man, did the press have a field day with that one, I think he killed 4 of Hugh's ladies, I mean hookers!
But why did we need David Hasselhoff's car?
Uncle Jesse provided the explanation: Jennifer Lopez had kidnapped the Olsen twins and taken them to her stronghold in Mexico!
That bitch! How dare she try deprive the world of the Olsen's talent!
The 1982 Pontiac Trans-Am was the only car that would be able to get us over the American Mexican border undetected, using 1982 stealth technology! The Mexican government has only developed 1976 stealth technology, the plan was flawless!
Tony pulled the car on to Interstate 5 and increased speed. The police sirens were fading into the distance as we made our made our way south, we were safe - for now!
According to Uncle Jesse's calculations we should reach the Mexican border just before dawn.
I settled down and made myself comfortable for the long drive ahead of us.
We arrived at the border shortly after midnight. Tony killed the lights and flicked a switch on the dash labeled "Stealth Mode".
Obviously now we were in stealth mode - those smelly Mexicans wouldn't suspect a thing!
Tony lined the car up with one of the border gates, slammed his foot on the accelerator and released the handbrake. The car shot forward, flying full speed towards the border. This was it; there was no turning back now.
CRASH!
The Trans-Am smashed through the boom separating Mexico from the good old United States! What a good thing we were in stealth mode, else we would have been in a lot of trouble!
Then I heard gunfire.
Our right rear tyre got hit, and then the left rear. Tony lost control of the car and it began to roll.
My life began to flash before my eyes and then everything went black.
I awoke some time later.
Uncle Jesse and I were in a Mexican border prison. Apparently, when the car began to roll, he and I had been thrown clear. According to Uncle Jesse, Tony had managed to regain control of the car and had sped off into the desert.
Uncle Jesse and I had been arrested. He told me that he'd tried to explain to our guards that we were celebrities and were above the law, but they hadn't listened.
Damb! Obviously our fame had not reached this backward third world country yet!
We needed to get out of there.
I managed to attract the attention of one of the guards. What a good thing I could speak Mexican.
"Hola Spic. Soy Michael Jackson. Soy muy famoso. Tengo gusto del tacos y de burritos. ¡Necesito hablar a mi abogado, me consigo JewToast!"
"¡El JewToast!" the guard exclaimed, his face went white and he ran off.
Ha ha! That got his attention! Now Uncle Jesse and I had the upper hand. Obviously the threat of my ruthless lawyer, JewToast, would now get us some action around here.
I placed a call to JewToast's cell phone. At first he pretended to not know who I was - that JewToast, such a kidder, but eventually he agreed to come down to Mexico and get us out of the mess we were in.
JewToast arrived at around lunchtime via his private jet. The town in which the prison was located didn't have an airport, so JewToast bought the entire town with PayPal and landed his plane wherever he wanted (He's JewToast, for Abrahams sake, he can do whatever he wants!).
The prison guards were visibly worried at JewToasts arrival and went to fetch the King of Mexico, as only someone in his authority should deal with our case.
The King was also extremely scared of JewToast and his awesome legal skills.
"Señor JewToast..." the King began, but JewToast cut him short, then JewToast bought Mexico with some loose change in his back pocket and had me and Uncle Jesse set free!
JewToast then declared February 16th "Michael Jackson Day" in Mexico. Oh man, it was so sweet! JewToast is a far superior lawyer than Johnny Cochran ever was.
Then, JewToast, Uncle Jesse and I, climbed aboard his private jet and flew to his private beach in the Bahamas.
Sitting back, relaxing on JewToast's private beach, sipping Pina Coladas was an excellent way to relax and forget about the terrors Uncle Jesse and I just experienced in Mexico.
After a two-week holiday, Uncle Jesse and I returned to L.A.
I'll never forget our time in Mexico, although I'm pretty sure the two of us had forgotten something...
Oh well, Uncle Jesse and I are famous, it couldn't have been important.
Until next time Uberpals!
Your friend,
Michael
User Reviews
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-02-25 04:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:12:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
You hang out with ALL the famous actors...Danza...Hasselhoff...Stamos.
You're lucky.
---------------------
Next week, Whil Wheaton is taking me to Hooters
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-02-24 15:35:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bueno!
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-02-24 15:06:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:09:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you steal that outfit David Hasselhoff is wearing for your next court appearance. I think it will seriously work in your favor.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're bad, you're bad, you know it!
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I THINK THERE SHOULD BE A SCHOLARSHIP FOR ADOPTED KIDS. AND THE WINNER GETS TO SPEND A MONTH WITH MICHEAL IN HIS MANSION.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You hang out with ALL the famous actors...Danza...Hasselhoff...Stamos.
You're lucky.
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you steal that outfit David Hasselhoff is wearing for your next court appearance. I think it will seriously work in your favor.
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:47:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic. I need JewToast to represent me in an upcoming trial.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-02-24 11:56:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes yes yes yes yes.
That was beautiful.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-24 11:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-24 11:15:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by garcon_fou (user info) at 2005-02-24 11:07:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
superb
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:53:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Hell that was good
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:50:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did the moonwalk in your honor after I read this.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2000 for the pic of tony danza
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:22:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know... That's what this one is for.
You and your quibbles...
--------------------------
You rock
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:22:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know... That's what this one is for.
You and your quibbles...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Michael, I think you need to start taking these charges against you a little more seriously. I'm only telling you this because I care.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:18:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:16:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i must be tired because this actually made me laugh.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am strangly drawn to the leather jacket/manthong combo...
And I am now sick to my stomach...
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It don't matter if you're black or white
Submitted by standardeviant (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:13:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF!! I am not reading all that! Auto +2 because I am sure it is good.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:12:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"My life began to flash before my eyes and then everything went black."
Imagine Michael Jackson reading this out to little kids, with emphasis at the end.
Submitted by ariseymour (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:08:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jewtoast.
-----------------------------------
I apriciate the +2, but you couldn't have read it that fast
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-24 10:08:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jewtoast.