Fun With Real Bible Stories, Part 1 (Noah's Ark) (1187 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.56 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell - sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2005-02-24 11:53:47 EST
The story of Noah and his ark has been passed down to generation from generation. Everyone knows the basics and the story is widely accepted by the churchgoing public. As a lapse-Catholic, something never sat right with me. Let's look at some scripture.
Genesis 7:1
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The Lord our God said to Noah, "Go into the ark... Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights. I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made."
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To Noah, this meant get your family and all the animals of the world into a big boat and float around until the rain stops.
To me, and most other red-blooded men, this would mean one thing: BOOTY, and lots of it.
Think about this: You're a woman back in the day and it's been raining for a week. The water has risen to an alarming level and if it keeps raining, everyone will die. You walk down to the beach and there's Noah leaning against this big wooden boat smoking a cigarette with a big grin on his face. You know that boat is your only hope of survival, so wouldn't you do whatever it took to get on it?
The story shouldn't be known as Noah and his ark, it should be known as Noah and his boat full of bitches. Seriously, the ark could have made the set of Caligula look like a day at church. Noah could have pimped that thing out with some velvet interior, several crates of various lotions and oils, a few hundred gallons of wine, and a couple of beds and leather couches. He could have been the original Hugh Heffner, but no. He chose to forsake all these "wicked" (read: horny) women and live with animals and family... but why?
In order for us to discover the truth, we have to delve deeper into the scripture. This is what the bible says about the post-flood era:
Genesis 9:8
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God said to Noah and to his sons with him:
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Genesis 9:11
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"...Never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth."
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Genesis 9:13
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"I have set my rainbow in the clouds..."
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To recap: God gives Noah the opportunity of a lifetime. Noah passes it up and brings his wife and a bunch of animals instead. When it stop it stops raining, an obviously annoyed God shows Noah a rainbow and tells him he'll never again flood the earth again because Noah ruined it for the rest of us.
Your parents want you to think that Noah was a kind old man who saved the world, but I'm here to tell you the truth: Noah was a homosexual old man with a penchant for incest and beastiality. Some role model...
User Reviews
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
noah was totally homo
Submitted by CoffeeAndSmokes (user info) at 2005-02-25 11:07:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-02-25 01:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What's wrong with a boatload of bestiality? The animals in that picture look damn happy!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-24 20:08:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A funny read, well done!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-24 18:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Lojo - I'm pretty sure that's "Oy." Just to continue the theme.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-24 18:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for pasting my comment, teeph, so I can see just how many typos it had...
"Adam and even"? Really? Oi.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-24 17:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:57:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Just here to +2 with my own name now.
And by the way, Adam and even had more than just Cain and Able. They had at least one more son, Seth I think, and they probably had some daughters, but girls for the most part aren't really worth mentioning according to the Bible.
Procreating with your sister is a lot less gross than doing it with your own mom....
or wait... maybe not.
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Lest we forget, this is also quite a bit before Moses brought the Law down from the Mountain . . . (I'm pretty sure it was anyway - Don't have Genesis here in front of me) incest wasn't taboo yet. Or . . . where else did you think that prohibition came from? Science didn't show us the icky, icky consequence of what my sister and I choose to call "familial love" (What? Don't judge me! Repressor! Celebrate my diversity!) until many, many years later.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-24 16:42:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure, why not?
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-24 16:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Real" Bible stories?
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-02-24 15:45:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Abel.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:57:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just here to +2 with my own name now.
And by the way, Adam and even had more than just Cain and Able. They had at least one more son, Seth I think, and they probably had some daughters, but girls for the most part aren't really worth mentioning according to the Bible.
Procreating with your sister is a lot less gross than doing it with your own mom....
or wait... maybe not.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:32:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Noah and his big boat full of bitches.
That's gotta be the first time I've ever stumbled across that phrase.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What get's me is that Cain was cast away, and then he somehow had a big ol' family next time you heard of him.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More fun:
Adam and Eve had two kids, Cain and Abel (Able?). Cain killed Able because God liked Able's "offering" more. Then, somehow, the human race managed to proliferate. With only two men and one woman in existence, I don't think I have to say any more.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work.
Good to see that you branched away from the "Real Email" series.
I liked them, the same as everyone else, but it seemed you were getting tired of being a "one trick pony."
This was good. Hope it inspires you to keep writing.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:07:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was just joking. While they are always hilarious to me, sometimes (like 999 times out of 1000) my jokes aren't so funny to others. Sorry.
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Ah. Ok. I'm just going to turn over here now...
heh heh
my bad
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:12:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is lojo: I think Noah fucked his daughters later on.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:11:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, if current genetics are accurate, a race propogated from one man and one woman would be horribly mutated and retarded anyway, so I guess he DID fuck up.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your version of the bible better.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:07:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was just joking. While they are always hilarious to me, sometimes (like 999 times out of 1000) my jokes aren't so funny to others. Sorry.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-24 13:01:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:52:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom, I'm sorry to have to break this to you, but Catholics are filthy Papist idolators who are doomed to an eternity of hellfire. I just thought you should know.
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Oh no.
The only thing worse than a devout Christian is a devout Christian who tells you how evil everyone else (including other religions) is.
Nothing personal, Ferris' sister, but please don't ever do that again.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm an agnostic and this is crap.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that picture capped the post off well
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:52:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom, I'm sorry to have to break this to you, but Catholics are filthy Papist idolators who are doomed to an eternity of hellfire. I just thought you should know.
Good post by the way.
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:51:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked that
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Where is everyone today?
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:42:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:30:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Part Two (Doubting Thomas) will be posted in the next day or two.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:29:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
only part of the Bible I remember is Judges 3 20-25 (that's an estimate)
says a lot about my taste
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:20:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
2 Timothy 3
Perilous Times and Perilous Men
Dangerous Times Are Coming
1 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! 6For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, 7always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. 8Now as Jannes and Jambres resisted Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, disapproved concerning the faith; 9but they will progress no further, for their folly will be manifest to all, as theirs also was.
The Man of God and the Word of God
10But you have carefully followed my doctrine, manner of life, purpose, faith, longsuffering, love, perseverance, 11persecutions, afflictions, which happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium, at Lystra--what persecutions I endured. And out of them all the Lord delivered me. 12Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution. 13But evil men and impostors will grow worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived. 14But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, 15and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
16All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:02:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait... Isn't he a pedophile, too?
Didn't his sons see him drunk and naked?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-24 12:00:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Catholics? Guilty about sex? What else do they DO? Fuck, pop out babies and drink is all . . . last I heard.
But maybe that's just my family.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-24 11:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No wonder you CATHY-O-LICKS feel all guilty about sex and stuff.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-24 11:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2nd Timothy 3rd Chapter.
Look into it.