How I got raped by Satan (OR: Why Doom 3 kicks ass.) (964 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.79 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Monarch (View user info) at 2005-02-24 14:00:12 EST
So my buddy calls me up last night. His sixteen year old Jeep Wagoneer finally gave up the ghost, and the poor bastard had no reliable means of transportation. With was a problem for him, as Gran Turismo 4 was just released and he's a Gran Turismo junkie. I actually saw him get violent one time over a race. I took pity on the racing-game addict and drove him down to the local Gamestop to pick up his copy.
We got there and he went over to get his copy of GT4, while I browsed the shelves.
PS2 Section: Nothing new or interesting.
GC Section: Plenty of new stuff, none of it interesting.
XBOX Section: A couple of new things, but I already own the interesting ones.
It came down to the PC section, a stand-off between Half Life 2 and Doom 3. Half Life 2 was doing okay until Doom 3 went all demonic on it's ass and started tossing fireballs and shit. Not even Half Life 2 is gonna fuck around with the hellfire. Doom 3 declared itself the victor and hopped into a shopping bag for me to take home.
*fast forward past installation and setup*
Right on, game installed. Ready to kick some demon ASS! Whoo hoo! I heard this game was kinda creepy. But I figure, after playing Silent Hill, words like 'creepy' 'scary' and 'grusome' don't mean what they used to.
So I start off. It begins much in the style of the original Half Life. You arrive in a scientific research facility and head off to perform some incredibly mundane tasks while waiting for something to go... TERRIBLY WRONG! (Dun dun DUN!)
And soon enough it does. So, I'm standing here in an abandoned com tower listening to some scientist blather about how bad stuff is gonna happen if he doesn't do something or other, when all of the sudden something bad really -does- happen. (Gee, imagine that.) Red emergency lights start flashing, people start screaming over the comm bands, and the vid screens show scenes of people going pyschotic and murdering each other.
Did you ever see Event Horizon? Yeah, it was a little like that.
All the screens go dark and that whiney scientist starts screaming bloody murder. A big burst of fire erupts from the wall, and flaming skulls begin flying lazy eights around the room while the newly possessed scientist trys to tear my head off. I go all "Resident Evil" on his ass with my pistol. One zombie down, two million to go.
So I go back the way I came, this time fighting more shambling, halfway dead people off along the way. Ocassionally one of those disembodied flaming skulls comes flying past me, but they don't attack or anything. Besides, they're kinda cute in a strange way. Maybe I could trap one and keep it as a pet, I think to myself. And onward I continue into the science facility. At some point, much further into the labs, I get attacked by a giant monster who reminds me of a rhinocerous crossed with on of those wierd robot dog toys they've been trying to sell in Japan. It looks fierce, but the shotgun to the face convinced it to leave me alone.
But, as with all good things, eventually something has to go wrong. I'm still trying to remember exactly when things started to get wierd. Here are some examples of what I mean:
1.) It might have been right around the time I walked into a room where a pentacle was incribed on the ground in glowing runes, with candles set at each of the points. Oh, except two of them were missing, which I've heard is a bad thing. As the lights flicked off suddenly and evil laughter resonated throughout the chamber, several imps mysteriously teleported into the room and started kicking my ass. That was the first time.
2.) Later, as I wander through the complex looking for a secrity card, I hear a soft voice whisper: "Follow me..." Well, I'm a good soldier, so I turn around and start follow the bloody footprints that have inexplicably appeared on the groud behind me. As I walk down the hall and turn into another room, my vision suddenly goes red and I can't move, while a woman's voice screams like a fucking Banshee: "THEY STOLE MY BABY! AHHHHHHHH!!!!" The disembodied voice is nicely accompanied by the sound of a baby screaming and crying very loudly.
3.) Shortly after that I step into a medium size room with a fair amount of open space. (And we all know that the big, empty rooms are bad.) I step into the room, and casually look upward. There is a corpse NAILED to the ceiling, his torso is sliced open and some on his entrails dangle languidly towards the ground. Jagged metal spikes are stuck through his lungs and heart. As I enter, the corpse opens his eyes and starts screaming at me. This brings in five or six mishappen dog-looking things with two heads who proceed to chew on my legs while I try to beat them off with the handle of a flashlight.
That's only the tip of the iceberg. The wierd shit that comes later in the game is much, much stranger.
In conclusion I need to say two things:
Number One: The folks at Id Software need to have their heads examined. I thought Konami was fucked up for making Silent Hill games, but Doom 3 is like Clive Barker on crack-cocaine.
Number Two: When walking through dark rooms, make sure you have a flashlight out to light your way. Because, if you do not, Satan will run up and rape you in the butt when you aren't looking. But don't worry, it only hurts the first few times, and Satan can be very gentle when he wants to.
Attached is a picture of our first "date."
User Reviews
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:38:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Silent Hill was a pretty bad ass game. I remember that god damn locker room where the corpse pops out of the locker. That scared the shit out of me along with some other 50 things that happen.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-02-24 18:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Love the pic, love the game. Say what you will about Doom 3, the sound effects are the most impressive ever used in a video game. Those skeleton rocketeers piss me off though.
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2005-02-24 17:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This brings in five or six mishappen dog-looking things with two heads who proceed to chew on my legs while I try to beat them off with the handle of a flashlight.
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You sick fucker, you beat dogs off with a flashlight? Just kidding... the pic is excellent
Submitted by snak3 (user info) at 2005-02-24 16:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bah. The game was horrible...
The first few times it was REALLY scary "HOLY CRAP!!1 I'm GONNA DIE!!!!"
After the whole "Room locks, guys appear, shotgun out..bam bam" thing was done out a few hundred thousand times it got really old.
After about halfway through I wasn't even remotely scared.
Not to mention that they didn't even use the physics engine
I mean LOOK at the expansion pack "Hell Time" (see Bullet Time from max payne)
the "Grabber" (see gravity gun from half-life 2)
IDSoftware hasn't done anything halfway decent except the Quake series and out of all those run and gun style games I preferred The UT series.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-02-24 16:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-02-24 15:49:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
the game does indeed kick ass.
BUT
technically, artistically and passionately speaking, half-life 2 is a fucking juggernaught of a game. the best of the best.
doom 3 deserves to stand beside half life 2, but not to sit on its throne.
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I agree.
Half Life 2 intends to spontaneously load itself onto my computer sometime within the next week or two and proceed to kick the shit out of me.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-24 16:09:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah HL2 does indeed kick MetaFuckTons load off ass.
D3 gets a tad boring after a while...check out some of the mods that have been made for it if you want some REALLY creepy shit.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-02-24 15:49:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the game does indeed kick ass.
BUT
technically, artistically and passionately speaking, half-life 2 is a fucking juggernaught of a game. the best of the best.
doom 3 deserves to stand beside half life 2, but not to sit on its throne.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-24 15:35:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:43:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
I only play Doom 1...BFG9000, baby!
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Only problem with that gun was it took forever to fucking reload.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-02-24 15:03:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1. "Besides, they're kinda cute in a strange way. Maybe I could trap one and keep it as a pet, I think to myself." <<< I've had that same thought. It would be awsome to trap one in a box and carry it around on your back. I'd name mine Terry.
2. That picture is fucking awsome.
Submitted by wtf_is_going_on (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
o-key d o-key
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:43:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I only play Doom 1...BFG9000, baby!
Submitted by sword (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
it would have been better if there was a punch line
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
great story thanks
Submitted by ariseymour (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn you for reminding me my computer is fucked and I can't play games anymore.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-02-24 14:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy fucking hell.
*puts the 1st cd back in*
are you ready for the expansion pack, buddy? It's coming out soon!