My Right Hand Is Slowly Going Retarded (2034 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.81 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2005-02-24 21:43:21 EST
People usually take for granted the insane complexity that is our body until it is threatened to be taken from you. Rednecks poking themselves with barb-wired shoes and sleeping upside-down on the couch, eating lard that's been laying out in the doghouse for three days, and wondering why they got osteoporosis. To be completely healthy for even one day is a blessing in my eyes now, for the utmost horror has begun to take over my body...
It all started two days ago at the local gym where I was throwing up some rock at the local basketball gym.
Random guy: Hey! Guy in the toga! Want to play some four-on-four?
Me: Is that some sexual pick-up line you fags use now? Playing with myself keeps me happy.
Guy: Basketball you weirdo. Actually forget it, I'll pick up the 65-year old lady sitting on the stairs.
Me: THAT'S MY WIFE DICKFACE. You have offended basketball and this gym for trying to get a woman on the court. I'm afraid I'll have to take on all seven of you by myself to prove my masculinity and ability to to play some ball in style, man. Toga at all times.
Guy: Alright, but only to 5 because you're going to get killed.
Me: Shit, I live in Ohio man. Lebron James? Yeah, he plays for Cleveland and I sold him blunt wraps at the gas station. You don't think I picked up any skills from that?
I shot for ball and made it, but apparently you have to shoot from farther out than right beneath the basket. I shot it from the roof of another building through a window in the gym full-court and swished it, so I decided to go get a drink from the bar for such an awesome shot. Two hours later I go back to the gym ready to ball it up, but only find a child that couldn't have been more than seven.
Me: HEY! JEsus man you MissEd it! ThesE chicks weRe on Fire like the nina, the pinta, the santa maria, some boat that burned during the 1790's, salsa, shit, like, hey wha? Where did they go?
Kid: Are you okay, mister?
Me: Oh...god you guys are fucking good. You fucking merged into one person, making the ultimate basketball player that god, the devil, holy spirit ghostly bwoooooooooohoohohohoh. Such a challenge shall not go unmet, so I will play you in a game of basketball to 74, with the loser being cursed with an illness upon the very being of his soul...
Kid: Hey can we play half-court? My legs hurt from running through the fields of flowers all day with my sister...
Me: Oh isn't that just fucking precious. Fine, new rule then. You have to dunk the ball if we play half-court.
Kid: I can't jump that high!
Me: You're starting to doubt your powers aren't you, king of basketball? Don't worry I can't dunk either. I get the ball first because of my huge disadvantage.
The basketball king threw the ball to me, planting it firmly against the thumb on my right hand. It felt like a gong had gone off as sharp, shooting pains started running up my arm. That sadistic bastard had broken my thumb because he knew what was coming! I drank jager-bombs which contain Red Bull which gives you wings, and somehow he must have planted a spy to switch my Bull with something like tears of old people or I don't know, it just tasted funny so I knew something was up.
I went down and starting shouting in pain. My hand was red, purple, and blue all over. My fingers curled in pain towards my thumb which had taken the brunt of the impact. The kid said something about jury duty and took off into the night. I was alone and utterly hopeless, unable to walk because....actually I don't know why I didn't just get up and leave but those gym floors, godamn, they feel so good against your balls.
The next day I awoke to some lady with a broom, shouting at me to pull up my pants and get to leave the gym forever. I grabbed her leg with my left hand and transmitted the pain that was running through my body into hers. She knelt to the ground and began praying for my soul, which pissed me off because she should have been running for help. I gave her some frozen burritos that were in my pocket and told her to spread the word of my pain. She quickly jogged out of the gym, once again leaving me alone with my pain and the bitter yapping of my conscience that I should have had sex with that lady and bought that condominium in Colorado when I had the chance.
That's when it began. My hand started twitching and curling at the wrist as well, giving me the full-on standard mentally handicapped position. Frightened, I pushed with my left hand to straighten it back out to no avail. I collected my sanity and arose from my position on the floor and exited the premises, not knowing of the calamities that were yet to come...
The next day I awoke and went to work with my hand still curled into position against my chest. My boss told me to cut the act to which I explained my story. He laughed and told me I should go to a doctor, but he knows as well as I do that I'm not waiting no three fucking hours for a guy to finally look at my hand and go "yup, looks messed up". I believe that you shouldn't coddle your illness, you should challenge it. Casts are for pussies who are afraid to live life and risk all the cool shit that can happen with a broken hand like showing it to friends, showing it to girls, showing it to strangers, I mean all of that is so badass and there is no negatives whatsoever.
After about an hour into work is when problems started arising. I typed and still type at a rate of 9 words a minute which wreaked havoc in the department and their social lives. I took a bathroom break around two hours in, and got myself caught into quit a jam.
Unable to wipe my ass with my right hand and unwilling to even attempt with my left, I went for the peanut butter sandwich and just pulled up my pants, bravely venturing forth to go unwiped into a world of wipers. I gingerly got back into my seat and continued to on with my work.
After about an hour I started noticing that the feces still located between my cheeks had to begun to harden, like it's some sort of sick, twisted ass-concrete. I ran to the bathroom as I pulled with my good hand on my ass to see if I could cause some breakage. Nothing. I got into the bathroom and pulled my pants down like they were on fire and threw my ass into the mirror. Yup, welded shut like a fucking door to some forbidden garden. I frantically pushed myself onto the sink and began splashing water on myself, hoping to cause a crack so I could get some release.
In all my fervored butt-panic I had forgotten to shut the door. I reach for the door that was just out of reach and start to flip out. My adrenaline going full-speed, my right-hand decided to spazz and start throwing itself against my chest, thus causing me to yell at the top of my lungs for god to just end my pain.
My boss hears me little tantrum and pokes his head into the bathroom, seeing me crying and thumping myself in the chest with my shriveled, broken hand...
Boss: Looks like your in pretty bad shape.
Me:(sobs) I....I....eh.....eh heh i'm so tired and stressed.....I....I just wanna.....
Boss: Go home early?
Me: Yeah that would be kind of nice...
Boss: ............Get your ass back to work.
Godammit, how did he know I planned all of that?
User Reviews
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-02-28 08:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's amazing how many girls remember they have jury duty after they return from the bathroom to see me wearing on my head the condom they slipped me as we were leaving the club.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-02-25 22:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I cried the other night,
I can't even say why.
Maybe it was because
Of the gooey bluey bruise.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:44:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks PP. Band-aids are for people who coddle their injuries, I am not down with that.
And satan, i know that you mean "Burger King" when you say work. Hopefully those 8 whoppers will cool you off and bring some form of pleasure to your twisted little world.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:41:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:08:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
another one before I go home from work dipshit.
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Can't all the nobody's be nice like me.
I liked the story. +2 for not using a bandaid.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
another one before I go home from work dipshit.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't think you're going to believe this kai, but one of my front teeth was knocked out yesterday and I have to get a permanent fake put in tomorrow. You want a toothless GLALL camwhore right buddy!?!?!?! you can fuck off then.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:49:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Go play some hockey so we can check out your broken teeth next.
I love this series!
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then we'll play a fun little game called "jump off a cliff and guess how many bones you'll break" you dumb nigger.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Go play some hockey so we can check out your broken teeth next.
I love this series!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:49:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AGAIN
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:49:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
to offset senorSTD
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:47:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
stupid, stupid fucking morons. You are all sheep!
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:45:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck stupid morons who post "random random random" shit that doesn't make sense and think it's funny. God only knows how anyone could like this garbage.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GLALL Rocks out with the cock out
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
FUCK FAT-ASS LOSERS WHO GIVE RETALIATION -2'S FOR NO REASON.
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK GLALL
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-25 11:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nothing wrong with that, jay by any means, but do you know how good it feels to do it though with a wrench? Yeah, that's not fun at all!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-25 11:21:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's wrong with storking it lefty?
I'm a righty, and I do it lefty...
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-25 11:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best post you've ever done... EVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-25 11:03:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-25 10:46:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Careful with that hand, man. Wouldn't want to have to stroke lefty for the rest of your life.
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-02-25 10:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-02-25 09:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha... nice.
nice, but gross.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-02-25 09:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:04:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
This whole thing cracked me up...but this line especially:
"My legs hurt from running through the fields of flowers all day with my sister..."
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Haha! Ditto.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-25 00:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
I'm not high, my keyboard just doesn't have a sense of humor.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-25 00:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-25 00:05:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool as always. Not quite as inspired as your best, but still cool. THe sentence about the secret garden was particularly to me for some reason.
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are you fucking high or something?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-25 00:05:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool as always. Not quite as inspired as your best, but still cool. THe sentence about the secret garden was particularly to me for some reason.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-24 23:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My hands used to look like that on a semi-regular basis.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-02-24 23:45:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All of a sudden I feel like breaking my arm and taking a picture of it.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-24 23:33:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKEKEKKEKEKEKEKEEKEKEK!!!
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2005-02-24 23:29:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-24 23:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GLAL your a crack up. ohhhhhhhh shit i made a pun.
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2005-02-24 23:10:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are about 100 differnt kinds of AWESOME"
man your cool as shit.
I bet you hurt your hand trying to catch a ball huh?
don't matter though your post's make my cock throb{oh shit a girl in the computer lab just saw me write that and giggled with her hand over her mouth. I think she thinks I'm a faggot. oh crap shes reading this, ok well I would love to fuck you}
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-24 23:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You know it's all in good fun kai, though I doubt you've caught a ball in years.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:59:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:09:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:02:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
Next time just write "I hurt my hand catching a ball" and save the bandwitdh.
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believe me, godamn marijuana told me for hours to just post a picture of my hand titled "i'm hurt", but that would mean that I would suck and be just like you
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Hey, at least I can catch a ball without hurting myself. Sorry for breaking your streak - I never check first.
Submitted by Deamon (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:57:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get on AIM or something, mine is siezehim, and I'll send you a file transfer program to send over Office, it's like 400 megs. I'm on a bar's wireless connection at the moment, but when I get home, I'd be happy to set it up for you. Very well worth it.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really need to get, like the new microsoft word and stop using wordpad. I always let a few errors slip through. Fuck that. NOTICE TO PEOPLE: SENILE DUMBASSES WITH PARKINSONS DISEASE MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS WHEN IT COMES TO SPELL CHECK. So don't use it.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now its accurate
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"welded shut like a fucking door to some forbidden garden."
You've got me as a reader from now on with this one. Your absurdism and train of thought style blend perfectly together. +2
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
looks like you jacked off and got your hand pregnant...
much like this one http://www.ubersite.com/m/54871
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:21:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Booya.
Gold.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Me: Is that some sexual pick-up line you fags use now? Playing with myself keeps me happy."
HAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hope you can do that with your Left hand.
-Dave
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:09:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:02:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
Next time just write "I hurt my hand catching a ball" and save the bandwitdh.
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believe me, godamn marijuana told me for hours to just post a picture of my hand titled "i'm hurt", but that would mean that I would suck and be just like you.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This whole thing cracked me up...but this line especially:
"My legs hurt from running through the fields of flowers all day with my sister..."
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-24 22:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Next time just write "I hurt my hand catching a ball" and save the bandwitdh.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-24 21:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
if it weren't for the fucking flash you could see it in all of it's purple and blue hugeness.
Submitted by Otters (user info) at 2005-02-24 21:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love that there's a trend to post pictures of hideous bruises on ubersite now. Nice story, too.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-02-24 21:49:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That bruise is HAWT. Even with that hand, you could take me. I step on the court and this blue midget yells, "FAT MAN BALLING!"
Come to think of it, he does that when I'm masturbating too.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-24 21:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-24 21:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fucking shit.
Too funny.