Crying in Public is For Fags (978 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.64 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Espo (View user info) at 2005-02-25 15:15:13 EST
*Author's Note - Back to the Basics on this one, folks. Enjoy*
I hate contact lenses.
I've been wearing them for about 5 years now, and have just recently moved on to the "monthly" contacts. It's really nice, actually.
I don't have to stumble to my bathroom every morning, blindly flailing and rummaging through the mess of toothbrushes, razors, and sticky pornography until I find the little lens case and then try to get the damn things in my eyes.
I just leave them, for a whole month. Makes life really easy. Wake up - I can see! Hallelujah, it's a miracle!
Well, seeing as how I'm a guy and real men never keep track of anything, I tend to leave my contacts in a little too long. And by "too long" I mean "two months too long." Usually, I just replace them when two or more people come up to me and ask me to hit the bowl I just smoked. Yeah, they irritate the eyes after a while.
Sadly, being accosted by hopeful stoners turned out to be the least of my worries.
I was sitting in class a few days ago when it became apparent it was time to bid the old contacts goodbye. I went to the bathroom, checked the eyes. Yup. Glazed, bloodshot - not good. However, I was also tearing copiously. We're talking WaterWorks here. I blew my nose, dabbed my eye, and washed my face. Nothing worked. I was still producing tears like I was some 12-year-old girl who had just watched "Where the Red Fern Grows" in her English class. It was embarrassing.
I was tempted to just take out my contact and be rid of the damn thing. However, running around half blind, looking at people with one eye closed and bearing the brunt of the inevitable migraine I would suffer was not a good alternative.
So I decided to hedge my bets, took a bunch of tissues with me, and headed back to class.
Thankfully, we were watching a movie. It was an anthropology class, so it was about some NorthWest Indians.
I sat in the auditorium, not really paying attention to the movie, trying not to concentrate too much on my gushing eye, and dabbing when necessary so as not to look like I had sand in my vagina.
My efforts at retaining the last bits of masculinity I was desperately clinging to were brought to an abrupt halt.
"Oh...you poor thing. *Sniff* Do you need more tissues?"
What the blazes?
I turned to my left and gazed upon quite possibly the most hideous, disfigured female face I had ever set eyes on. It didn't help that her makeup was running down her face, and her eyes and nose were all puffed and red.
"What? No, I'm fine. See, I have this problem with my con - "
"Oh, it's alright. I know, it's terrible."
What on God's green earth was this troll talking about?
"How do you -"
"It's....it's just awful." *sniff* "These poor natives...they were just wiped out by the white man. Stupid goldrush." She said as she sniffed again and blew her nose in my face.
Now it all became as clear as the snot dibbling out of her left nostril.
I had the bad fortune of sitting next to a "native" sympathizer. The movie I had been ignoring was some sob story about how the Indians of the North West got their shit tossed by the Goldrush. Apparently it was pretty much genocide.
Damn Indians were in the way of the poor prospectors. All they wanted was to dig up some gold for Christ's sake.
I was being taken for a sympathizer. I needed to try and rectify the situation.
"Look, I'm really sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding." I tried.
"Oh no...it's alright. Just let your emotions out. *sniff* It's fine." She blubbered.
Christ, this was awful. I was starting to lose my temper with the blubbering slampig. Just as I was about to tell her to fuck off before I scalped her and drank her blood, I was interrupted by the gorgeous blonde to her left.
A gorgeous blonde that up until that point I had not seen due to the fact that the whale sitting next to me was blocking my view of that entire side of the auditorium.
She leaned across her desk just as I was dabbing my eye again, and smiled.
"Here," she said, reaching her supple arm across the fat-encased forearm of the beast sitting next to me, handing me some tissues.
"Oh, why thank you...." I let it trail off, waiting for her to supply a name.
"Jennie." She said. Score. "It's so nice to see that guys can show their emotions in public like that."
"I guess I'm just really comfortable with my emotions," I said, trying to play the suave, metro-sexual card.
Things took a turn for the worse, however, and my plans were foiled once again when she asked me after class if I wanted to go shopping with her and some of her friends.
Shopping.
Not dinner and movie.
Shopping.
Girls only ask gay guys to go shopping. Fuck.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ranx05 (user info) at 2005-06-09 12:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
wah-hoo-wah
Submitted by PoloboiGC (user info) at 2005-04-12 18:06:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is crazy because I'm also taking Anthropology of native americans right now. and where doing the goldrush shit and watching a movie. man you could be in my class. Now what college is this at?
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2005-03-15 07:25:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, monthly contacts means you wear them for a month and then get new ones, but you're still supposed to take them out when you go to sleep. My stepdad is an optometrist, and hes always talking about how one of the worst things you can do with contacts is sleeping with them.
Submitted by Umbilical_Cord (user info) at 2005-02-26 09:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha. I once had a vicious cold- nose and eyes gushing in class.
Problem was it was on Valintines day. I had to cough a lot to compensate.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-26 07:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha... Fag.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-26 07:22:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being a closet homo, you big fag, you!
Submitted by madddonkey255 (user info) at 2005-02-26 01:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-02-26 01:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stupid goldrush
Submitted by nunga-nunga (user info) at 2005-02-26 00:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah im sorry.
poor kid.
whatd you buy at the mall?
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2005-02-25 22:32:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-02-25 21:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls only ask gay guys to go shopping.
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Uh-oh.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-02-25 18:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus
fucking
Two
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well well don't end there, what did you and the other girlz do when you went shopping?
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:20:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:15:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Whattya mean "today"?
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Great point, schlongy. Great point.
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:27:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny. Funny is also a homo trait, right?
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:15:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Whattya mean "today"?
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Great point, schlongy. Great point.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whattya mean "today"?
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:08:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How can these assholes not see that this is quality?
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A formidable question, Schlongy. As I stated in my author's note, I just went back to the basics. Poop, piss, ghey, and fat chicks. If you look at some of my past posts, these hilarious topics have been quite well received by the Uber Community. However, it seems that times are a-changing. Either that, or there's just a lot of assholes around today.
I side with the latter.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-25 16:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Before you get TOO excited espo, it's important to note that I pretty much rate EVERYTHING the complete opposite of the general consensus.
And I don't do it on purpose.
How can these assholes not see that this is quality?
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:47:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a goddamn +2, you fucking homos. Quality stuff from the Ivy League.
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my sentiments exactly. thanks, schlongy.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:35:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
so.................did you go shopping?
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negative.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
- Jack Handey
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a goddamn +2, you fucking homos. Quality stuff from the Ivy League.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so.................did you go shopping?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:34:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, if you go shopping, and slowly 'allow' yourself to be converted to straight-hood, you not only might get laid, but she might even allow for anal sex. You know, to help ease the transition.
What? It could happen.
Really.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:19:09 (#)
Ranking: 1
ATTN GHEY MENZ
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:25:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't have to bother reading past the title
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Didn't have to bother looking up your user info to realize you're a no talent assclown.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Dash (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:25:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't have to bother reading past the title
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick-ass
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:20:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ATTN GHEY MENZ
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ooooo, those kind of fags... nevermind.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-25 15:17:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
when i get smoke in my eyes they tend to water.