A Complete UberGuide to Jacksonville. (1023 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by WiKi <wikilikewhoa.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-26 11:24:38 EST
A bit 'o information for those of you that may think Jacksonville is sooo great. Not that any of you do. Oh, and I'm bored at work on a Saturday and have nothing better to do. I should also mention that this is not my work, I got it from some forward. I just figured that it would be appreciated by those of you that live in Jacksonville, have ever been to Jacksonville, or plan on coming to Jacksonville.
So, without further ado, another horrible piece of literature from WiKi:
The Jacksonville Commandments--
1. You must learn to say the city name correctly. It is usually referred to as "Jax".
2. You must be a Jaguars fan. It is a requirement for citizenship. Also, you are either a Gator or a Nole. You have no choice. If you abstain, you will be assigned a team. There are no other schools. It's better to learn that sooner than later.
3. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. No one pays attention to them here. Merging, turning, and right-of-way are completely foreign terms. [No turn signals in cars, either]
4. To find anything in Jax it is required that you know where Regency Square is. It is the Alpha and the Omega: the beginning and the end.
5. Directions to anywhere may, and usually do, make a reference to "the old Pic and Save".
6. The morning rush hour is from 6am to 10am. The evening rush hour is from 3pm to 7pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
8. East Rd. meets West Rd. on Beach Blvd, but they both run North and South.
9. Normandy Boulevard, State Road 228, Cecil Field Road, Maxville Road, and Post Street are all the same road.
10. On the southeast side of town, Hartley Road, Shad Road, and Hood Road are all the same road. Hartley Road is the western part of the road, and Shad Road is the eastern part of the road. Now don't be confused about this Hood Road. This is the West-East part that is in between Hartley and Shad, not the North-South part that starts out as Old Kings Road South, changes into Hood Road South, and ends at Losco Road. Got it? [Guess this explains how I always end up on Hood Road when I turned off Phillips Hwy (South) onto Old St. Augustine Road, heading East to San Jose? I can never tell because it's always dark by the time I get to Mandarin.]
11. Construction is a permanent fixture in Jax. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
12. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, single shoes, opossums, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
13. The minimum acceptable speed on J Turner Butler Blvd is 75 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Jacksonville's version of NASCAR.
14. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55 zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
16. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
18. There are really only two seasons here: Summer and January.
19. There is actually a Westside high school that has a confederate battle flag as its school flag, an image of a slave plantation owner as its mascot, and Dixie as its school song. Just accept it. Please don't make a fuss about it, for your own safety.
20. Ponte Vedra is to Middleburg as oceanfront is to double-wide.
21. If you choose to live in Orange Park, or, God forbid, Middleburg, plan to leave for work at 4am and return home around 11pm. Otherwise you may get caught in what can only be described as "the world's longest left-turn lane".
22. Don't get here late and expect something to eat. After 9pm, your choices are Famous Amos, Village Inn and Krystals.
23. You can buy a million-dollar condo downtown on the river, but you have to drive 10 miles for a loaf of bread, and never after dark.
24. The Landing is an interesting place. Every time you visit, there will be a whole new set of restaurants, fewer stores, and less parking. Hooters, however, is a permanent fixture.
25. All city council decisions must be signed off on by First Baptist Church.
26. You can't drink alcohol and see topless girls at the same time. But, if you agree to drink Diet Coke, you can see them fully nude.
27. North Phillips highway. Don't go there. Ever. Unless, of course, you are looking for motels that charge by the hour.
28. Learn all of the lyrics to every Lynyrd Skynyrd song. Trust me on this one.
29. If you like southern-style barbecue, you've come to the right place. There's a restaurant on every corner. But, they all close at 9pm.
30. Convenience stores are literally EVERYWHERE, unless you live in a million-dollar condo downtown.
31. No matter where you want to go, you can't get there from where you are...in other words, you can't get there from here.
..That is all. Now, I leave you with an awesome picture of Jacksonville, taken Superbowl weekend.
User Reviews
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-04-23 09:39:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you, Zero. Thank you.
*bows*
Submitted by DerivableZero (user info) at 2005-04-20 20:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We have something like that here, it's quite a standard... How to survive Southern Louisiana.
Quite amusing, I'd say.
You're very witty. I like that.
:)
*thank you for the comment and rating on my poetry*
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-03-12 13:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dash (user info) at 2005-03-01 18:32:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-03-01 18:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Only vet I can recall is in front of Foxridge/Ridgecrest.. and I never heard of a gypsy lounge.
Give me names!! ;)
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-01 18:16:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
marcel drive behind a vet? right down the street from the gypsy lounge
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-03-01 18:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-27 15:12:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have like a dozen relatives who live in Orange Park, I guess I'll +2 you for being a fellow floridian
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Awesome. I probably know .5 of that dozen.
1.9 with 30 reviews! WOO!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-27 15:28:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like shit like this.
Maybe a lot of people could do a lot of others?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-27 15:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have like a dozen relatives who live in Orange Park, I guess I'll +2 you for being a fellow floridian
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-02-26 22:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
26. You can't drink alcohol and see topless girls at the same time. But, if you agree to drink Diet Coke, you can see them fully nude.
I love society!
What the fuck makes elected officials think like this? Seriously.
And who is dumber, the people who rationalize this
thought process or the people that voted for them?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-26 22:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've driven through there a couple of times on the way to the Keys. It always seemed like a pretty town to me.
but the Jaguars suck
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-26 21:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo. I'm a trendsetter!
Submitted by PlaguedByMurphy (user info) at 2005-02-26 19:44:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Former Aralntic Beach-Mayport resident. Was down there just last month (Mid-January)
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-02-26 18:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit. Forgot the 2.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-02-26 18:43:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
2. You must be a Jaguars fan. It is a requirement for citizenship. Also, you are either a Gator or a Nole. You have no choice. If you abstain, you will be assigned a team. There are no other schools. It's better to learn that sooner than later.
I should ilve in Jacksonville for this. Next year, the Jaguars will make it to the Super Bowl. They'll have an awesome offesnse. Leftwich to Smith, every game.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-02-26 18:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-02-26 16:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't you guys secede over 140 years ago?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-26 16:27:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm in Jacksonville 3 or 4 times a year....we use your airport quite often...I usually come down or one Jaguars game...and why the hell else am I there again?
I forget.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-02-26 16:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha.. thanks Shlongy.
I was wondering why it had such a high rating anyway. I mean, seriously.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-26 16:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is pretty damn accurate but had to take off a point....after all, it's about Jacksonville.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-02-26 15:47:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I LOVE that fargin picture..
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-02-26 15:41:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FLORIDA REPRESENT! Fuck this noise, I'm moving to Scotland.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-26 13:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Must be tough living down there....
(sarcasm)
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-02-26 12:43:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.educationcentral.org/schools/sip/backup/school.asp?school=241
That's Forrest High School.. it's funny that they're supposedly so 'redneck' and whatnot.. because only a handful or so of the kids that go there are white. And they all turn out to be wiggers. Most of them anyway. I have a few friends that went there. It's about 5 miles from my work.. on the WESSTTTSSIIIIDDDEEE!! *throws up gang sign*
I live in Orange Park. It's HELL getting to and from work.
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-02-26 12:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to FSU next fall for law school. Go Noles.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-26 12:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I desperately want to move to Daytona Beach.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-26 12:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pshhh. If you think the football is bad there, try being at one epicenter of it. G'ville in the hizouse!
I have to go shoot myself now.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-26 12:01:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"19. There is actually a Westside high school that has a confederate battle flag as its school flag, an image of a slave plantation owner as its mascot, and Dixie as its school song. Just accept it. Please don't make a fuss about it, for your own safety."
Well, yee-fuckin-haw. Nothin' says, "come visit" than unabashed racism.
I should really give this a +1. But I don't want to break your streak. O, lucky day!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-26 12:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jacksonville is pristine compared to nasty, filthy pensacola
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-26 11:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, Florida. Oh, Jacksonville.
Oh you people. Heh.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-26 11:43:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GATORS ALL THE WAY NOLES DIE DIE DIE
Erm, what? Sorry- this town just got to me for a moment.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-02-26 11:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure. I work for the tourist board. Everything in this post just BEGS more people to come to Jacksonville.
I saw it and just figured I would let everyone know what's up.
Ok, I'm lying. I saw the picture and really wanted to post it. I didn't have anything to post with it, though.. and I didn't want to just post a picture. So, therefore, you get.. the Commandments.
And, seriously.. all of it is dead on. Except the 9:00 food thing. Most places stay open until 11.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-26 11:31:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
do you work for the jacksonville tourist board or something?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-26 11:30:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was hilarious.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-26 11:29:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DUH!
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-26 11:28:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck that, I'm going to Orlando. Did you write this?
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-02-26 11:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I suppose I could have spaced it out a bit.
I'm so lazy, I bore myself.