Sunday evening nostalgia (1032 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.96 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-27 06:21:47 EST
I fucking miss it.
I'm not going to bore you with reams and reams of pointless wittering about Holland. I'm not going to babble about how the six weeks I spent there were the most pure, perfect time of my life.
I might, however, tell you that there were days, when Maarten was at work, that I'd pull that old suede jacket on against the cold and walk those narrow streets, and how the light was blue and nostalgic and the canals all gave off that dark secret moss green scent and I would sit, for hours sometimes, and just Be.
I had my kids young, and while I don't regret them, it was so good to be simply me. To walk and think, to feel the cold without panicking that one of the kids wasn't warm enough; to sit and think and not worry that the kids were bored or that they were drowning themselves in those canals.
Leaving the fragile, endless blue to sit in some cafe and drink coffee and bathe in the warmth and golden light and muted babble around me that I didn't understand was almost as good as walking back out, tugging the jacket tighter around myself, and setting off again. So cold the air hurt in my throat, such perfect solitude that I felt invisible.
I could escape the cold for a while in a church hundreds of years older than my entire culture, built with unimaginable devotion while my country was as yet unknown to my ancestors. I'm not religious, but I could sit there, awed and reverent, stilled not by God but by the weight and determination of those who believed in Him.
I always had my camera, but I took very few pictures; there was too much, it was too overwhelming, and how do you capture the most important things? How do you catch on film the feeling of watching the air turn pink around gold and red trees? How do you pinpoint the moment when everything clicks and you remember who you are instead of who you have to be?
I want to show you, you see, because I can't put in words either. I want to show someone, anyone, the yearning and grace and redemption of six weeks in the cold and the blue and the scent of water, of six weeks in his apartment, in the warmth of his life, of six weeks of perfect solitude whenever I needed it and perfect companionship whenever I wanted.
This is the only one that comes close. The air was cold enough to make my hair feel like ice on my cheek, and at the moment this was taken the world was a beautiful place to be.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-03-01 22:01:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange really; sometimes that solitude that forces inward focus can kill a guy, right?
Those quiet moments, long hours after midnight but way before sunrise
when one faces those red devils of one's own frailty have sent stronger guys
than me screaming for solace into the windy night.
But it's all about the place, isn't it? How is it that those ancient European
cities can be so, what, true? When ya can smell the dust of archaic books,
and stare for long moments at the curl of a church parapet... How can a
cold, cold city be so warm?
There's a better word than ironic, a guy more clever than I am could come up with it;
but I find it ironic that Circe's writing often has this same effect on me. I want to roll in it,
come up with it smeared on my face and hands; an anelgesic for the daily ache of
conciousness.
Napolean said of the Queen Anne Cathedral in Villnius that he wanted to put it
in his pocket and take it with him. Ah, Circe, would that I could, you.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-01 06:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amsterdam ho!
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-03-01 01:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why I won't have kids.
nice pic as well
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-02-28 22:42:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
To walk and think, to feel the cold without panicking that one of the kids wasn't warm enough; to sit and think and not worry that the kids were bored or that they were drowning themselves in those canals.
---
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-02-28 10:46:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sigh.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-28 09:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to take a walk to Elvaston Castle now. That was my place in the same way this is your place. They put a road through the field I grew up in though, so I'll have to cross a motorway bridge to get there instead of a fence.
Bastards, the day they put that road in was the day I felt old for the first time.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-28 05:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you on right now?
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-28 02:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would love to see that picture in color.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-27 21:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Simply Lovely.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-27 14:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This makes me appreciate the freedom that I still have a lot more than I did before.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-02-27 14:00:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful,
Thank You.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-27 13:51:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"How do you pinpoint the moment when everything clicks and you remember who you are instead of who you have to be?"
That's a good question, and one that I'll be thinking about for a long time.
I fucking loved this piece so much more than I could ever express.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-27 13:40:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Time alone rules, I'll just say that.
Also, I should add that Friesland gets full marks for keeping their highways free of ice and snow. Groningen and Flevoland not so much. I love my Volvo.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-27 13:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I imagine it is in fact a nice place to visit.
That's probably all I should say, so I don't spoil your mood.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-27 12:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh and I really wish you would witter more about Holland.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-27 12:23:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gah! I need to get the fuck out of America for a little bit.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-02-27 11:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well done. I wonder if Bart can redirect people from that crap I posted last night over to this.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-27 11:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm not religious, but I could sit there, awed and reverent, stilled not by God but by the weight and determination of those who believed in Him."
yeah.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-27 10:25:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-27 10:06:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Serves you right for fucking like bunnies during these six weeks!
Oh don't mind me, I'm just jealous because I can't write this well. Carry on.
Pretty much.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-27 10:06:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Serves you right for fucking like bunnies during these six weeks!
Oh don't mind me, I'm just jealous because I can't write this well. Carry on.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-27 09:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It looks like a magical place. I'd love to visit there sometime.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-27 09:41:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know the feeling.
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2005-02-27 07:38:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you make me want to go. sounds soothing and complete
plus, i hear there are some pretty good kickboxers there i could learn a great deal from :)
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-02-27 07:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I love Holland and it's people.
I love Amsterdam, and will have to return soon. I will now clean my groin.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-27 06:59:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Holland.
I love this piece.
I love that picture.
Simple maths methinks.
+2.
-Dave
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-02-27 06:48:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you talk about Holland it always takes me back to when I was 17 and insane. Strange how good memories can make me uncomfortable.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-27 06:40:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Time to just... be.
That's good time, that is.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-02-27 06:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1st