How Diana's Soused Chauffeur's Bitch Cousin Ruined My Life (an explanation of sorts to my dear Merlina) Part III (857 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.12 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Danger Ranger <harveyra.at.iprimus.com.au> (View user info) at 2005-02-27 10:34:01 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59308 - Part I
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59757 - Part II
My mind was racing...
How the fuck did Poindexter and Art Garfunkel here know what I was thinking??!! Did I think it 'out loud'?? Did I even THINK "sheep"?? Something was terribly wrong and my brain couldn't, wouldn't adjust...
"Alright, I'll have some acid now", I said. "We don't know what you're talking about Danger", replied Thorpe. "Well, okay, we do, but we intentionally didn't bring any - it's best you keep a clear head."
Fuck Willamson stank. "How do you know what I thought?" I asked staring at the table in disbelief - more so for actually asking the question than thinking they had 'read my mind'. "You told us at Willamson's house when you were pissed", responded Thorpe. "Look - I've never fucking met you before." "Not yet", smiled Thorpe. "Williamson's mum asks about you." "Fuck you Thorpe", whined Williamson. "Nothing happened, alright? Nothing that can't be changed back anyway."
Thorpe leaned across the table. "Listen Polly Pissy Pants, how many times do I have to tell you? If you go back and reverse our Ubercon with Danger you will fuck everything up. No Ubercon, no Danger_Ranger. No Danger_Ranger, no him getting pissed and telling us what he thought tonight. Get the fuck over it, your mum LOVED it." "Fuck you Danger", sulked Williamson.
"THINK Danger", I was imploring myself. "Rationalise.. there's a logical explanation... where's Gob Job? And why has he just left me here with these two fruits? How does he even KNOW them?? Neither of these fuckers are the full packet of biscuits..." Thorpe interupted my train of thought, "How do you know about Counter Strike, comrade? Ask yourself, HOW... DO... YOU... KNOW..."
"I've PLAYED it Fuckface, that's HOW... I... KNOW. I don't know what the fuck is going on here but there's a rational explanation. People don't have fucking "time machines", or stupid fucking names like 'Hidden'. Where's Gob Job? Fucking tell me, or I'll beat seven shades of all fucked-up out of you right, fucking, now!" "Oh, hello Hidden", said Thorpe, addressing somebody behind me.
"Meh", responded the stranger. "Fuck Williamson, you smell like you've been used as the bitch in a bukkake-scat film. Well, well, look who's here. How's things Stranger_Danger?" He asked, patting me on the shoulder. "Easy does it Hidden, Danger's still trying to get his head around a few things. Where's the hostage?" Thorpe's tone belied his anxiety. "Relax, Rob Roy", said Hidden pulling up a chair, "Gob Job's playing chaperone."
Hidden sat down, and, apparently bemused, flashed me a smile. "What's wrong chum, yer looking kinda glum?" "I don't know you", I said in a defeated tone. "Horse-fucking-shit you don't. We've partied Motherfuck, ohh, we've partied." Thorpe interupted, "Hidden's... how shall I put this... whilst having leftist leanings, his main priorities are sex and drugs... or the other way 'round. We tolerate these nuances because.." "They have too." Interjected Hidden. "It's MY fucking time machine." I put my head in my hands. "I've gotta pee", said Williamson. "Go on then", sighed Thorpe. "We'll wait." A pool of liquid began to form at front of his smelly friend's chair...
"Oh, YOU"RE fucking walking home, Douche Bag", Hidden sneered in disgust. Thorpe was shaking his head. "You've PLAYED Counter Strike because you were with us the night we... acquired it", he said. My gaze still hadn't shifted from the table. "I don't line up for product releases", I said. "Especially at midnight." "Fucking 'ay", snorted Hidden. "You were with me, Power_Ranger, we met up with the freaks AFTER the twins." Thorpe rolled his eyes, "Our uncouth friend here discovered, albeit by accident.." "Research", interjected Hidden. "AS I WAS SAYING, our friend here", he shot Hidden a stern glare, "...discovered through trial and error.. " - again Hidden interupted, "Scientific formula." "...that prescribed doses of lysergic acid diethylamide..." "Acid", offered Hidden. "OH, SHUT THE FUCK UP- PLEEEEASE!" Thorpe was at the end of his tether. "IF, whilst time travelling, you take managed doses of LSD, you will retain to memory part of your journey on return. We have learnt how to manipulate that." "I'm going", I said. My brain was aching, Williamson smelt like the piss-boy, and if I could just go to bed and wake up in the morning everything would be fine... surely. I gathered up my PC and turned to leave. "We'll come with you", said Thorpe.
As I reached the front steps, I noticed Gob Job standing at the bottom in an ill-fitting army surplus overcoat. I trudged down the four steps and stared at him with a hollow expression. "Who are those fucking weirdos Gob Job?", I asked. Gob Job just winked and gestured with a nod of his head to the unconscious dweeb lying prone just off to his right. "Jimmy", I remarked, "and I see you're wearing his coat." "Wanna buy a usb convertor for your playstation controllers?" smirked Gob Job. "No", I sighed, "I just want to go home." The three fusckateers had joined us at the bottom of the stairs. "Come on", said Gob Job, "There's something I want you to see". "Gob Job, I just want to go home, please." "Come on", he said reassuringly, "We'll go home, just come and have a look." I had a headache, fatigue, and a fucking heavy PC - I just needed somewhere to put in down - against my better judgement I followed after him. He had stopped on the opposite side of the carpark to where we had left his car earlier that evening.
"That's not your car, Gob Job." "No it's not", said Hidden after catching up. "THAT - Motherfucker, is my time machine!" "It's a late model Jeep Cherokee", I replied. "I know", responded Hidden. "I have christened her 'The Jeep of Faith'. Geddit? As in leap of faith, in reference to the whole time travel thing.." Gob Job was climbing into the passenger seat, "Get in Danger." "I want to go home - now, Gob Job." "I'll make sure you get home", he persisted, "...get in." Thorpe had opened the rear door and Williamson was starting to climb in. "Fuck off, Williamson", Shouted Hidden. "There is no fucking way your getting in my fucking machine in those fucking pants." Thorpe hung his head. Gob Job got back out and offered Williamson 'his' overcoat. "Here Noam, go wash yourself in the creek over there and put this on." "And fucking hurry up..", snarled Hidden, "...fuck me dead, I don't know why I fucking bother." "How do I know you won't leave me behind?" Williamson whined. "Because we fucking won't - alright??" Hidden snapped, "Now fucking hurry up!" "That's what you said last time", moaned Williamson, and he trudged of towards the creek. "Get in", Thorpe urged, holding the door open for me. Reluctantly I climbed in, and was only half suprised to see a figure sitting near the opposite window. "Move over", said Thorpe, climbing in behind me. Gob Job and Hidden were already seated in the front. Thorpe closed his door. "Let's go", smirked Hidden, starting the engine. Still trying to make myself comfortable, laden with my PC and struggling with my seatbelt, the figure next to the window offered his outstretched hand, "Hello" he said, "I'm Harold Holt".
-To Be Continued-
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 16:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-24 13:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-02-27 14:39:32 (#)
Ranking: -2
This is like an inside joke that should have stayed inside.
----
This is the reason for all the hadley hate?
jeebus christe
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-06-18 01:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-17 05:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-08 06:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for making fun of my 'big' friends.
Submitted by Silk (user info) at 2005-03-05 21:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, I got over the change of character name.
Writer's block or what??
continue the bastard. Damn-it!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Harold makes his first Uber-appearance!
But is this the end for Williamson?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-01 22:30:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And you've captured Williamson's true character perfectly.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-01 22:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still trying to make myself comfortable, laden with my PC and struggling with my seatbelt, the figure next to the window offered his outstretched hand, "Hello" he said, "I'm Harold Holt".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh man, yes. I like where this is going. This fucking rules.
Yeah man, we got Harold! Woooo!
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-02-27 15:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i liked it...
+2 for story, -1 for 'uncouth'
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-02-27 14:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is like an inside joke that should have stayed inside.
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-02-27 12:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No, not very good.