When I Grow Up, I Want To Be a Hermit (1011 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.81 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by myredmirage95 (View user info) at 2005-02-28 13:30:16 EST
"Why would she want to be a hermit?" you may ask. Here is why. I hate people. I truly, utterly and completely despise the human race. As of right now, this very second (1:21:22 PM), there are somewhere around 6,437,052,754 people on this planet that we call home (number from pbs.org) and I'm sure that I would dislike 6,437,052,739 of those people.
I can't even go out in public anymore without getting angry at some redneck, tobacco chewing, NASCAR watching, Bosephus belt buckle wearing asshole or a group of teenagers who think they are too cool for words and we should give them gifts wrapped in 24k gold paper with shiny, sterling silver, diamond encrusted bows because they allow our existence. Conceited fucks. I can't go ANYWHERE without bumping into some of these types of people and it sickens and disturbs me to the core of my being.
This Saturday, my insane mother insisted that I don't spend enough time with the person who birthed me. I told her that we live in the same house and asked what more did she want? She wanted to go see a movie, for which I did not. Not with her at least. Her idea of a great movie is something like The Country Bears, Kangaroo Jack or some other God forsaken movie of that particular shitty genre. I offered to let her watch me gouge my eyes out because at least that would be less painful for the both of us. We opted to skip the movie and I said a silent prayer because I was NOT up to watching some lame ass movie with 50 screaming kids wanting more candy or Captain Obvious sitting front row center repeating the lines and talking to the characters on the screen. Anyway, she suggested the next most awful thing...our local mall. I tried to escape the situation and I spontaneously came down with every disease known to man and just as I started speaking of my Ebola acting up again, there we were...THE mall.
THE mall is not THE best mall or THE most visited mall in North Carolina, it is simply just THE mall nearest to our home and therefore, where we end up. Truth be known, this mall is probably the shittiest mall on Earth, not just NC. In this mall there are roughly "...over 50 fabulous stores and eateries making it truly a total shopping experience" to quote their website. Fabulous??? Hardly. Maybe fabulous to a deaf blind mute who is in a coma and suffering from every STD known and some that are unknown. As soon as we enter THE mall parking lot, I know I will not walk out of this shopping experience without a migraine because there, at the entrance, are a horde of horny, testosterone-induced jungle monkeys thrashing around like imbeciles to music being pumped from one of their car's cheap Wal-Mart "almost, but not quite subwoofers", which is parked beside the sidewalk, a no park zone of course.
I choose to avoid this catastrophe by parking by the J.C. Penney entrance...A.K.A "Old Mall Walker Entrance" I thought this was the best idea because it was after 6pm and most of the mall walkers were gone by now, and if they weren't, I could always just knock them out of the way and pretend I didn't see them. I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA! I was wrong, this was a bad choice. I forgot that this particular entrance was also the "Illegal Hispanic, Non-English Speaking" entrance. I don't know how these people are where you live, but here...they are very, VERY inconsiderate of other mall shoppers. With 10 kids in tow, the young, Non-English speaking couple makes their way, S-L-O-W-L-Y through the narrow walkway to the mall entrance of J.C. Penney. I try to push past, but alas, they form a "Red Rover" stronghold and I find myself attempting to translate "Red Rover, Red Rover. Let Jen Get the Fuck Past You!...oh yeah, and Mom, too" to no avail. After 3 hours, we get by them and out into the mall. I wasn't aware the exact date of when the mall was turned into a day care center, but there were children everywhere, ages 2 to 18, running amok, screaming, yelling, laughing like they just realized their mother's never loved them. Oh, it was horrible. I don't even know why they were there, who honestly hangs out at a mall anymore? And why THIS mall? Do they have no shame??? I had enough shame for all of them I suppose, out spending "quality time" with my mom on a Saturday evening....and on we trod, and on we shop...with no interference from any assholes.
Then my mom suggested another horrifying idea. "Let's go to the dollar store!" she exclaimed. Everyone loves the dollar store!...which is EXACTLY why I don't want to go there. I've never seen so many people crammed into such a small place in my life. It reminded me of that incident in high school when the preps thought it would be awesome to try to fit as many people in this girl's brand new Ford Mustang as possible, as they probably saw on some TV show and thought it would be jolly good fun being crushed against someone else's privates...hmm, why didn't I take part in this again? Oh yeah, because I wasn't a prep and they probably all had syphilis. Back to the dollar store. There we were, crammed in like sardines, I use this idiom not only because we all were so tightly packed, but because of the stench of the establishment. I know you don't have a working shower in your trailer, Myrtle, but at least hop in the back of your pick-up and get Zeke to swing you by the carwash or something. Every aisle I attempt to mosey down, there are at least 5 people standing in an intricate pattern so that I can not pass through, nor see the shelves. For these people to be so stupid, they sure can devise a plan to annoy the piss out of me very quickly. I'd have been impressed by this if the steam would have stopped spewing from my ears long enough. The only thing that made me keep my sanity was hearing a Hispanic guy make the comment to his child or wife, I couldn't figure out, "No, I will not buy you that Novelty Flying Disc! Do you think I am made of money???"
I think I would have been ok after hearing that comment and made it out without that vein in my forehead popping up, but of course I had to retrace my steps through the mall and back out through J.C. Penney and through the parking lot to my car. Man, would I have loved to of had one of those particle transport things from Star Trek right about then. We speed walk through the masses of snot-faced, screaming children and the "oh no you just didn't" ghetto-fabulous teenagers and make it out with all our limbs. The parking lot however, had one more match to throw on my awaiting inferno of rage.
There across the parking lot were a wannabe gang of thugs, decked out in their finest FUBU and Tims, one of which was carrying a Biggie cup from the Wendy's across the lot. One of them playfully hit the cup out of the others hand and onto the asphalt it smashed and much cursing was to be heard. I don't care about the cursing. FUCK ASS SHIT...see? That didn't bother me, but their next action did. Instead of being civilized and picking up the cup and throwing it in the trash, which was 3 ft away from them at the time, they kicked it under a parked car and they all had a good laugh about it. Seriously, that mall is trashy enough, why add to it? Jerks. This immediately set me off. All the pent up anger of having to come to this place and having to endure the ignorance and stupidity of its patriots came bursting out of my mouth in one, long winding, loud enough to be heard down the street, racial slur. I'm not a racist person. Honestly. I have many friends who are African- American and friends who are dating or married to those of the African-American persuasion and it bothers me to hear someone say such things to someone out of hate. My only justification was that it wasn't out of hate, merely just frustration at the world and that was the only thing I could come up with that I knew could express my feelings adequately. They of course didn't hear me, for which I am thankful. My mom is an insane bitch but even she and I couldn't have taken those guys, one of which could have broken me in half with his eyes alone.
We made it home alive, thank God, and I retreated back to my safe haven...the computer room. After an ordeal like that, I just don't think I should be allowed out of the house anymore; either until my anger has improved or the world gets less retarded. I should probably just start building a hut in the woods down by the river. I wonder if I could get Internet access.
User Reviews
Submitted by aceyloulou (user info) at 2005-03-02 03:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
people suck
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-03-01 13:37:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
peckerhead:
You are now the proud owner of Lot#- 002. Congratulations!
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"... or a group of teenagers who think they are too cool for words and we should give them gifts wrapped in 24k gold paper with shiny, sterling silver, diamond encrusted bows because they allow our existence. Conceited fucks."
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+2 for this alone. I'm considering doing a whole post on Bell Sympatico's stupid and dangerous commercials showing two cowering parents - clearly afraid of their own children so they cater to them and spoil them and give them everything they want... This is so so wrong. Kids are watching these commercials or ads which only reinforce and exacerbate what you so eloquently describe above. jesus, Bell, what were you thinking!!?? In any case, I fully sympathize with you on this one. Save me a lot in Hermitville :-)
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
meh...
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:07:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahh, nothing like the hate....
I have reached the point were I refuse to go anywhere crowded without at least a beer in me...
or a shopping cart to push people out of the way....
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-02-28 15:58:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok...read it now......nicely done
Submitted by NYCRulz (user info) at 2005-02-28 15:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen.....fuck consumer culture
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-02-28 14:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha ha ha ,yep i can relate to that.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-02-28 14:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-02-28 14:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That'll do.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-28 13:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*spits chew and shines bosephus buckle*
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-28 13:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-02-28 13:36:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You is one angry hermit, girl.
My mother is freak for the dollar stire too, lots of cheap stuff that no one wants or needs...but will buy if it a dollar.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-02-28 13:34:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
all i saw were big paragraphs.
so, i'm not reading it and assuming it was ok.