Uberholics Anonymous - SIGN UP HERE (1255 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.78 on 61 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kai (View user info) at 2005-02-28 16:09:26 EST
Having a tough time on Uber? People hate you? You hate everyone? Posting every day, but you really have nothing to say? Get banned lots? You may have an Uberproblem...
Oh, it creeps up on you. Sure, you make a post everyone loves, and you get a bunch of +2's or whatever. Life is lovely. Your next post may hit or miss. If it hits, you have a reputation to protect; if it misses, you want to get back on top ASAP. If you come to realize what the MVA and Most Heated lists are all about, you may just as well have discovered heroin. To some, the temptations are irresistable, the pressures unbearable. The easy way out is to keep pumping out the crap just to get hits, engage in running battles with your latest Uber nemesis or just take pot shots at the big targets on the MVA. By this point you aren't posting for your own enjoyment any longer; you're doing it for Ubersite, and the demons contained therein. GONE are all the cool stories of your insane youth, original compositions or just plain funny shit, and instead we are left with yet another Uber Fucktard stirring the Ubergossip pot looking for attention by mentioning other Uberite's names. How utterly fucking boring for new people AND people with lives who don't gave a fuck about the idiots on this site.
Does this post bug you already? Then I'm talking to you. You are an Uberholic. You're here every single day, posting shit while the real world around you forgets who you are (and vice versa). The experience is different for different people. People who once liked you on Uber now think you are an ass. Many female Uberusers will not see a dip in their overall ratings (indeed Uber's ratings ranks are dominated by Uberwomen who have mastered the skanky reply to the hordes of lonely geeks who +2 them in order to gain favor + maybe a private cam show), but will shift from initially writing good stories poems etc. to boob camwhores and gossip posts. Experiments with shock photos (goatse, tubgirl, Gidget etc.) are definite signs of Uberdistress. I won't go into detailed diagnosis, the bottom line is that Uberaddiction becomes an issue as soon as you suspect that Uberaddiction MIGHT be a problem.
I'm not talking about the posts of dyed in the wool n00b shitheads here - lord knows we have a lot of those and always will. I'm calling out long time Uberusers who, like me, have lost focus on exactly why they come here & what they post. For instance, I know that initially I enjoyed the anonymity of Uber and the attention that my posts got; soon, I was no longer anonymous, and I started taking some of the jealous trash talk that was directed at me personally. Instead of being my funny and insightful self, I jumped right in the Uberslime pit and started muckraking, with good writing taking a back seat to getting both attention and revenge. That is a fight nobody can win.
But, help is finally here. The 12 Steps of Uberholics Anonymous .
1) We admitted we were powerless over our addiction to the postings of a bunch of internet retards - and that somehow our own posting habits had become unmanageable
2) Came to believe that actually "getting a life' could restore us to something close to what most people could call "sanity"
3) Made a decision to reclaim our will and our lives from the online twentysomething popularity contest known as Ubersite
4) Made a searching and fearless inventory of our own postings and really realized that the only posts we have quality control over are our own
5) Admitted to bart, to ourselves and to the rest of Uber the exact nature of our shitty posts.
6) Were entirely ready to start posting shit that won't result in -2's or being banned
7) Humbly refrain from posting until we had come up with something that at the very least shows effort and forethought
8) Fuck step 8. Everyone deserves a break!
9) Made a mental list of all persons we had consistently -2'd and resolved to avoid their posts in the future
10) refrain from making posts that mention bart or other Uberusers, their body parts or their sexuality. Exceptions made for QUALITY hate/love posts and camwhore/n00b taunting, which will always be "de riguer" on this site.
11) Made direct amends to people you have fucked over on Uber by reading their shit with an open mind, rating appropriately and avoiding them if they are just too fucked in the head.
12) Continued to take personal posting inventory and when we wrote shitty posts, promptly admitted it. Always trying to write something BETTER than the last thing we wrote, we tried to carry this message to other Uberusers, and to practice these principles in all our Uber affairs
Amd the best part is that if you follow these steps BUT write a shit post anyway, you just have to claim "TEMPORARY RELAPSE!" and all is forgiven!
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Oh, I know this post won't change a thing. But I feel pretty good about it. Being here this long, I see cycles and patterns emerge and subside, some more entertaining than others. Personally, i've grown tired of most of your stupid writings, as well as my own. But if you have read this far, there is one undeniable truth about Ubersite that applies to you regardless of who you are, what you write, or what you think of me:
I got your hit, SUCKER!! Thanks!
Ooops! Temporary relapse!
Meetings will be held on an irregular basis. Please list your suggested topics for discussion below. thanks!
User Reviews
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-24 03:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello, my name is Thorpe, and I'm an Uberholic.
I have only been here for two and a half months, yet I am addicted. I wake up in the morning, I turn on the computer, go on Ubersite. I turn it off, I leave for uni, I get home, I turn on the computer, go on Ubersite. I'm on Uber until around 2 in the morning (no shit), until I am forced by my tiny work ethic into starting whatever work it is I have to submit later that day. I go to bed around 3, wake up at 6 to finish, go on Ubersite.
Until recently (like couple of days recently) I have only been a reviewer addict. I have refrained from posting anything which I wouldn't enjoy reading myself, and have only posted if I've put a good amount of work into it (1 exception), which is why I'veonly done 9. My average rating mattered to me, not my hits.
I was working on a post which took far too much time a couple of days ago, and neglecting my real workload to do so. I then told myself that as soon as it was posted, I would stop worrying about Uber and get to work.
It's been on the top of Most Heated ever since, has almost doubled my total hits, and I found myself posting within a day of its heat, and hoping that my latest would get more than the usual hits. This is a slippery slope.
I also noticed I was an Uberholic when I spent five minutes writing a FIVE PARAGRAPH REVIEW on how much I was an Uberholic.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-03-24 03:22:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello Ubersite. I am Jeffrey Wellman and I am a Uberholic.
Degreeless and Ingsoc hate me so they suck ass. I plan to post a game soon.
w00! Games! Wastin time! w00 w00 w00 Go Illinois! w00 w00 w00
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-03-24 03:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the best posts .
The Catagory selected,
puts it: "over the top"
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-03-24 02:18:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And that was completely the wrong window.
Could it possibly be more obvious that it's past my bedtime?
Anyway, Kai, good post. It was a good read, and I'm glad that you brought it to my attention, since I must have missed it.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-03-24 02:16:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone, I commend you for that. I've read some of your stuff, and I think it's pretty good. I'm glad to hear that someone is at least above the pettiness.
Wow, I can't wait to see what kind of response this will get during the work hours tomorrow if I've already gotten a semi-hate post in the time it took for me to watch the L-word.
Thanks to everyone that left a coherent response/argument. It's a lot better to provoke people with their own ideas than it is to provoke people that copy and paste.
Onto bed now. Goodnight everyone.
(Oh, one more thing.. I was calling for a -1.7 on 60 reviews, right, Genko?)
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-03-24 01:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-24 01:39:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is still one of the best and inciteful things ive ever read on UBER. Get back to your best, clever and wicked self Kai.
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Dude I can't - bart keeps banning me! Twice in one week is just too much - I was even trying to behave!
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-24 01:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've let myself drudge further and further into this muckfield we call "Uber", as I know the end for me is so near.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-24 01:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This afternoon my regular mid day nap I had a dream about Uber. This site is taking over my life. Well, not really, but I should find something else to do with my abundance of free time.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-24 01:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is still one of the best and inciteful things ive ever read on UBER. Get back to your best, clever and wicked self Kai.
Submitted by podium (user info) at 2005-03-22 23:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-03-16 12:03:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
gay
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-03 14:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i still get the shakes when i do a full work day with no uber.
i iz an uberholeek.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-03 14:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-03 14:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for letting me see the error of my ways, bud.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61073
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kai...I am coming out to BC to visit you and the wife.
Get that spare room ready!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-01 01:45:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:58:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I...I...I've been m-masturbating to 404 Error messages during-
what? whoops, wrong support group.
<exits stage left>
---------------------------
a few posts later
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Submitted by Wuzi (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:26:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello.
My name is Woozee, and I am an alcholic.
Shit wrong room.
---------------------------------------------
hmmmmm, i wonder where i've seen that...take that ya fuckin' piece 'a repeatin' shit!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-01 01:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-02-28 19:21:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've begun a quest to find the uberite with the user i.d. closest to mine. My number is 12537. So far, the closest is Sassmasterr with +165, and rad1101 with -228 is following close. The numbers work like this. Since Sassmasterr's user i.d. is 12702, and his i.d. minus my i.d. is equal to 165, that's his separation number.
Why am I wasting my time like this?
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i feel important, it's like we're brothers or something. something that has to do with dry anal sex.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-03-01 01:24:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to take this opportunity to say that I just got a sugar packet from the kitchen here at work to put in my cup of tea. I put it in my pocket and ventured back to my desk. When I got there, I reached into my pocket, pulled out the sugar packet and realized it was opened on one end. Now, I have to go get another sugar packet. Worst of all, I have a pocket full of sugar.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-03-01 00:52:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No mom, I'll get a job tomorrow!
Just one more post and I can quit, that's all I need is just one more and I'll be fine.
Banga
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-01 00:24:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES! FUCK HABEEB!!!
thats what you were trying to say, right? i'm fucking discerning as shit, huh?
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-02-28 22:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Only a retardedly addicted "uber" "addict" (<--- fag phrase) ... is Kai.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-28 22:01:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Women are not usually known for their admittance buddy.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And very interesting that none of the female hitwhores have anything to say about this post... All the love, joy and hope of a lass eating a cookie while planting tiger lillies couldn't help them, I think.
Damned tits.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lavalife haha
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:46:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ohio, it only works if you work it. The program, that is....
Submitted by gimpy9780 (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:29:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
this is bob.
bob has bitch tits.
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do we need to have posted something...
Good...
To be an Uberholic?
That would kind of be like a person addicted to mouthwash going to AA meetings.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My name is Freakmagnet and I can't stop looking at animal porn...wait, this is the wrong...DAMNIT!
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-02-28 20:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This certainly needs to be most heated.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-28 20:26:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Some are sicker than others.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-28 20:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'll call once I start posting Eric Rice twice a week again.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-02-28 19:21:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've begun a quest to find the uberite with the user i.d. closest to mine. My number is 12537. So far, the closest is Sassmasterr with +165, and rad1101 with -228 is following close. The numbers work like this. Since Sassmasterr's user i.d. is 12702, and his i.d. minus my i.d. is equal to 165, that's his separation number.
Why am I wasting my time like this?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-28 19:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is well-thought out, insightful, and generally spot on...what the fuck is it doing here????
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:41:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got sucked into this vortex two years ago.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:40:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have just completed step 5. Complete with acknowledgement from the man himself.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48091#1164225
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:24:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hanging out on Uber gives the other voices something else to talk about other then asking me stupid questions all day.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:24:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kind of feel the same way. I'm done with posting everyday for hits. Most people seem to, at least, dislike me for my hitwhoring and I don't have anything new to say. Time to start trying with my posts.
Plus things are getting a little repetitive here. All the n00bs and alters never change, and you can only read so many poop and work stories before the novelty is lost. Not that I'm going to leave. Far from it.
Maybe I should become a bitter and twisted troll like Hadooken. Though I'd have to gain considerable weight. And get someone to rearrange my face. With a brick.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:56:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello. I'm a Uberholic. I'm also a peckerhead; guess I will need a modified program. I do want to change.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think your right, i feel its addictive powers clawing at my soul as i type this. I think we should run, runnnnnnnnnnnnnn for your livesssssssssssssss.
Ahem that feels better now to find another UBER post to read.
Submitted by Mr.JackassFrost (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uberism is not an addiction man.
Have you ever sucked dick for coke?
I have.
*random black guy*: "I SEEN 'IM!"
Submitted by Parkinsuns (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fear I may be heading down this dark path. This needs to be included for a mandatory read along http://www.ubersite.com/m/51940 (The Official Newbie's Guide To Ubersite!).
Perhaps there should be Uberaddiction prevention meetings as well to stop future breakouts.
Submitted by Wuzi (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:26:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello.
My name is Woozee, and I am an alcholic.
Shit wrong room.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:09:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not addicted. You're addicted. Get away from me.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:58:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I...I...I've been m-masturbating to 404 Error messages during-
what? whoops, wrong support group.
<exits stage left>
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello.
My name is Jay Peg.
And I am an Uberholic.
God damnit...
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only post on ubersite becasue it's what my mom did... before she killed herself. *cries*
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No arguments from my seat in the booth, Jim.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So sad. Mostly because it's true.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:43:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not addicted to no gawd-damn website....
bangbus maybe.....
milfhunter....
fuck OKAY. I need help! I can't stop ubering!
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:42:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the most entertaining parodies I've read in months.
I'm also an UberAddict...
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I go to work because I can use the computer to play on uber....
heck, my work productivity is up becuase I finish work faster so that I can play....
yup...what is this social life thing you speak of?
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi, my name is Jeannie and all I do is read this stupid website instead of getting my work done.
I am an uberaholic
(hangs head in shame)
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can quit whenever I want...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:30:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Being a counselor myself, I find the 12 steps parody hilarious! :p
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It works if you work it!
Keep coming back!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:15:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi, I'm Jeanneee and I'm an Uberholic. I can't seem to stop posting pics of housepets doing wacky things. The positive ratings fill the hole inside my soul where love used to reside. PLEASE HELP ME, I CAN'T BEAT THIS ON MY OWN!
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You rule Bob.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
we need a meeting for those of us that don't get any work done because we are too busy surfing uber all day
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-28 16:13:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi.
My name's Bob, and I'm an uberholic.