"So you want to work in retail security?" (75364 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsLabels: B.at.W
Rating: 1.66 on 76 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonovanMD <Dmacd58.at.telus.net> (View user info) at 2005-02-28 17:31:22 EST
If your anything like me, you've asked yourself at one point in your life, what's it like working in the pressure cooker industry of retail security? Well let me tell you, its not for everyone. Its a dynamic world of ever changing difficulty, it takes a special breed of men and women (not suitable or turned down for police work) to do this all important job.
Many things factor into being a top tier LPO (Loss Prevention Officer). If your considering getting into this profession, or just wondering how a man such as I, can do this job without shooting someone, going crazy, or letting the stress go to their head and being caught vigorously masturbating to squirls at the park, well then this quick guide to retail security is for you.
Roll film:
"So you want to be an LPO"
So you think you've got what it takes do you? Lets see. First of all you have to be motivated. You must have that drive and determination to succeed in the industry where so many fail. You must want to be the best damn store detective there ever was! You want to become a legend among floorwalkers, able to spot a candy bar thief at 50 paces. If the role model employee pictured below is not you, quit reading now.
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/5058/9526.jpg
"Drive and Determination"
Alright, so your determined to become the Walter Payton of floor walking. The Michael Jordan of secret shopping. The Wayne Gretzky of grocery patrol. Good. But now you need the drive.
You need to look at your body as a tool. A means that enables you to meet the end: arresting the scum of the earth....as they steal blenders, makeup and tampons. To do that you'll have to eat right, stay in shape and never lose focus of that goal.
Its a tough world out there, but with the proper nutrition followed by our model employee pictured below, you can become that legend.
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/2122/9529.jpg
"The Floor"
Ok, your eating right and have the discipline to do the job. Now its time to hit the floor and catch those thieving bastards. The first thing a good LPO has to know is how to creep. You cant let the bad guy see you while he's ripping open and trying on that package of condoms. If your covers blown your up the proverbial shit creek. Watch as our model employee shows the proper method of sneaking. Notice he maintains his position even as the bad guy walks by, keeping his anonymity.
And don't forget: corners are your friends. Don't forget to peek. And if someone walks by and sees you, just play along. Pretend your handicapped and ask him if he wants to play hide and go seek, lick your chest or likes toe jam.
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/4258/9531.jpg
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/1688/9532.jpg
"Spotting the Scum"
This is where most recruits have trouble. Spotting the bad guys. It takes a sharp wit and keen eye to spot these scoundrels, one which you'll have to polish like a penis until its ready to explode with love juice....maybe that's a bad metaphor, but you get the idea.
Here's one. He does look slightly suspicious. But definitely NOT a prime suspect.
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/9918/9539.jpg
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/5145/9534.jpg
Now normally I would say follow your instinct and observe the male above. However, the shit face below is clearly a much better target. The potential for tom foolery is clear from the normal look on his face and the fact he's reading a Bride magazine. Homosexuals are renowned thieves and all around bad fellows.
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/1710/9535.jpg
"The Watchful Eye"
Now a good floorwalker must also keep a sharp eye out for other potential targets for theft and general mischief/annoyance. Things like the drunken hobo (also known as the Listerine stealing "scrote-bag". Easily identified by such items as the hobo stick and hankerchief) and of course the ever annoying stealing employee. Both must be watched by the LPO and in such a case where you see them attempting to lift a product, you either arrest them or drop your pants, waive your fists and shake your penis at them. Either way they will be fucked for life.
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/240/9537.jpg
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/940/9538.jpg
"The Arrest"
You've spotted a scum bag, waited until he's concealed the issue of Bride into his pants, drank a bottle of listerine and masturbated into the beanie baby bin: now its time to make the arrest. Bring the asshole back to the security office and sit him down on the bench of shame. There he can ponder his fate or offer up sexual favors for his release while waiting for the police.
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/7362/9540.jpg
You must then fill out the necessary paperwork that goes along with an arrest, or simply allow the hand job and anal pleasure that goes along with the release of the suspect (always done under the LPO's discretion).
But whatever you do, don't ever turn your back on the accused, because before you know it he could be coming at you with anything resembling a weapon that may be left lying around the office.
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/5977/9541.jpg
Should the unthinkable happen, just remember: this isn't real life, your only an actor in a TV show, like our model employee, no harm can come to you what so ever. Simply break out your police tactical training you received or if that fails you, hum the tune "Kung Foo Fighting" in your head and school the dumb sonofabitch who decides to cross you.
http://img56.exs.cx/img56/5456/9542.jpg
The result will be a beaten fool who pity's the day he crossed MR.T!!! Once safely handcuffed and with the weapon removed, you may pretend your Terry Tate: Office Linebacker should it so please you, and body slam him into the walls to vent anger and lighten the mood. Trust me, this (and using the cameras to look down girls tops) is the best part of the job.
http://img62.exs.cx/img62/806/9777.jpg
"Welcome Aboard"
Great job. You training went terrifically. You seem to be another model employee in the making. If you stick with it, keep up on your fitness and diet regimen, and be sure to practice your new found eye for shit at all opportunities, you may one day be mentioned with the likes of Fat Joe, Old Larry, and of course our model employee, Donovan.
Now get out there and protect your store. And don't forget, anyone could be a thief. Your mother, father, brother, grandmother, even you. In all cases its best not to waste the police's time with such frivolous matters like chocolate bar thefts. Simply kill them yourselves and make life easier on all of us.
Thanks, and good luck!
User Reviews
Submitted by deaddoll00 (user info) at 2008-08-18 14:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Amusing, but I got about half way through and got bored. Also, most of the pics don't work.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-22 10:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha!!
Good stuff!
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-09-07 16:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad douchebaggery is so popular nowadays.
+2 cause it's funny, but also to even out the moron.
Submitted by slapsticky (user info) at 2006-09-07 15:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Bundaberg (user info) at 2006-05-28 09:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. I used to work that job myself. For about a day
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-26 01:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking have another plus 2 so I can make your day
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-05-26 00:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YES!
That last +2 pushed me up .01 of a total rating!
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-05-25 22:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-05-25 22:23:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody has more hits than me :'(
--
Thats because your gay and no one likes you.
Or because you dont post enough. Pull a Rad and reveiw every post on the site, nine times each. People will review your stuff just to make you shut up.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-05-25 22:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody has more hits than me :'(
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-05-25 22:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, more hits!
My plan to slowly make the MVM over the course of a half decade is well underway, go forth my pretty and hit and multiply. Muahahaa!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-10 02:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this didnt suck
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-07-22 21:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit man
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-19 09:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This will hit the top ten because if a reader clicks all the links and then goes back, they give you 20 hits each. Clever!
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-06-16 09:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If anything deserves a +2, this does. Funny shit
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-05-31 14:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-04-16 09:09:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe this is on the MVM.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-04-16 09:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe this is on the MVM.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-08 16:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit!
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-25 01:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2005-03-24 03:05:53 (#)
Ranking: -2
this was retarded. it was not funny, loaded with spelling mistakes, and just an all around chore to read.
no wonder you do shit work like retail security. YOU'RE too much of an uncreative dumbass to do anything else.
--
I do it because I'm 20, and have ambitions to be a police officer.
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2005-03-24 03:05:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this was retarded. it was not funny, loaded with spelling mistakes, and just an all around chore to read.
no wonder you do shit work like retail security. YOU'RE too much of an uncreative dumbass to do anything else.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-15 16:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PrescriptionX (user info) at 2005-03-15 14:44:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, that made my day! I used to work retail security and it goes a lot like that. Except we tackle the scrote-bags after they leave the store with hairspray/listerine.
--
Of course, the first thing they taught us on the job was to make sure we have selection, concealment, continuity and leaving the store.
Submitted by PrescriptionX (user info) at 2005-03-15 14:44:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, that made my day! I used to work retail security and it goes a lot like that. Except we tackle the scrote-bags after they leave the store with hairspray/listerine.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-08 18:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, very cool. I made bored at work! That kicks ass.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-03-08 15:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It works like this:
You have several pictures linked in this post. Every time someone clicks one of those links, they have to come back to this post, which counts as another hit. That's several hits for EACH person that reads this post.
Not to mention it's on b@w.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-07 18:27:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-03-04 22:13:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-01 03:06:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
in ten days you have nearly 15 thousand hits. Kudos to you.
-----------------------
Apparently Fetish's linking technique works.
--
What linking technique is this?
I'm surprised that this post has nearly 14k in hits but only 50 odd ratings. I havent linked this anywhere, or been online in a few days.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-03-04 22:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-01 03:06:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
in ten days you have nearly 15 thousand hits. Kudos to you.
-----------------------
Apparently Fetish's linking technique works.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:46:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And then I forget to rate...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
B@W! HOORAY!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:35:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations my man. B@W
Submitted by geeohcities (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I read about 3/4 and got bored, I honestly did not laugh once.
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for Mr T
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-03-01 09:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At that time, Bart, $4.30 was worth more than £1.50.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-03-01 03:17:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never worked as loss prevention, but when I was in high school and early in college, I worked in the K-Mart sporting goods / automotive / toys department. I remember my starting pay was $4.30/hour and at the time it was more money than I knew what to do with.
Now I'm a software engineer at a music company. It's a little different than doing price checks on fishing lures.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-01 03:06:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
in ten days you have nearly 15 thousand hits. Kudos to you.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-01 02:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Without those pictures, this would've been pure shit.
But with those pictures, it's brilliant.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-01 02:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-03-01 02:37:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah... I miss my days at K-Mart.
--
Bartholomeu, you were a floor walker? I actually enjoy it, especially with the Canadian company I'm with, who pays and treats me very well. Its going to be a good lead in to a policing career.
What line of work are you in Bart? I'm sure you've mentioned it before, but you have far more posts than I've read.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-03-01 02:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah... I miss my days at K-Mart.
Submitted by Deamon (user info) at 2005-03-01 02:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you steal me some tampons too?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-03-01 02:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd rather work in the porn industry. Again.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-01 01:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 for reminding me of stupid mistakes i've made
+4 for making me laugh about them
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-03-01 01:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was really funny.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-03-01 01:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Homosexuals are renowned thieves and all around bad fellows
My beer went a flyin on that line.
Banga
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-01 01:03:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-28 23:10:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
I kind of love you, I think.
--
Hmmm, best compliment I think I've had all week....
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-01 00:44:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks guys, Ill try and clean up the your and you're for next time.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-28 23:10:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I kind of love you, I think.
However, I am going to join the other grammar nazis in the corner to whine about your/you're and its/it's usage. Pet peeve.
God we're a spastic bunch.
But still fun.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-28 22:40:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hee hee...Lady Plural's pain makes me laugh. :)
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-28 22:36:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kinda like a picture book with a running comentary, this was damn clever and a good giggle.
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Its just one of those things for me
Did you go to the link I sent you???!?! The one about apostrophes? Where we learned that "it's" is a contraction of "it is"? And you used the... ARGH!
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:14:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-02-28 20:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
heh. Sorry LadyPlural. Where did I do it?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-28 20:43:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
YOU CUNT YOU DID IT AGAIN *WHILE* TELLING ME YOU'D WORK ON IT!
WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-28 20:32:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BROTHER!
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-02-28 20:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Please, for my sanity, at least TRY.
---
Alright, alright, I will. Its just one of those things for me.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-28 20:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your - indicates a possesive
you're - abbreviation for "you are".
AND
http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/
Please, for my sanity, at least TRY.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-02-28 20:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"where you see them attempting to lift a product, you either arrest them or drop your pants, waive your fists and shake your penis at them. Either way they will be fucked for life."
Just for that
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-02-28 19:36:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<Insert comment here>
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-28 19:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are one scary aryan
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-28 19:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You cant let the bad guy see you while he's ripping open and trying on that package of condoms."
haha, fuckin brilliant!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-28 19:07:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so very very blonde.... how sad =P
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:44:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange boy.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:23:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are one PALE motherfucker!
--
These are terrible photos of me, but I took them in the middle of November, during a cold Canadian winter, what the fuck do you expect? I have a more recent shot two posts down on my profile, my first camwhore.
Submitted by PlaguedByMurphy (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:36:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest post all day
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are one PALE motherfucker!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post. My friend used to do that job. He had tons of weird stories to share.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:11:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ANGLO ALERT!
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:03:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-28 18:00:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is solid +2.
The "Scissors" picture would make it +4 if only it went that high.
-Dave
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this is an LP issue right here....
Hahahhaha *smooch* This is great.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:54:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I live in Vancouver.
Funny how all the stores look alike.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:48:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
your - indicates a possesive
you're - abbreviation for "you are".
--
I have always gotten that wrong, and will always get that wrong. I've come to terms with it.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2 points for a great idea. The pictures were good...would have been better if you could have gotten some other "models" to play along with you, and made it more over-the-top. A picture of you ACTUALLY body-slamming someone through a table would have earned you +2's from me for life, or until I forgot about it.
Also, I only mention this because you did it about eight times and it drives me friggin' nuts:
your - indicates a possesive
you're - abbreviation for "you are".
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I live in Alberta. Where abouts are you Dave?
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great.
You so obviously work in a particular Canadian retail store that has a name composed of two parts, the first being the name of a town in Ontario and the capital of Great Britain, and the second being what I wish I was high on right now. Where do you live?
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the pictures made it funny
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-28 17:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHHAHAHHAAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA X ALOT