Another Stoned Report from Kent "The Gent" Weirdo (697 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by B.T.K.: Bind and Torture Kent (View user info) at 2005-03-01 05:26:05 EST
Greetings and Salutations, lizard children. I come to you after many bowls to tell you of things in the Kentian Universe (I worship UFO's now).
You see, for the past 7 days I have observing a local sub-culture that I like to call "coffee fags", which in latin is "Coffius Fagalotumus". These sniveling, black-turtle-neck-wearing pshawing bourgeois PBS-note-taking assholes drive me bonkers. They gather at a joint called "3-2-1 Coffee" here in Eureka, CA, deep in the heart of Humboldt.
Here, they sit around reading Calvin and Hobbes (ooh, real sophista-ma-cated) and depart into these obscene ramblings regarding C&H and their philosophical and idealogical elements. Who fucking cares? My imaginary friend as a child (a scumbag named David) never taught me philosophy, but that's beside the point, the point is that I hate these Rivers Cuomo clones that hang at the coffee shop.
And let me tell ya about the guy who owns the joint: A bald-headed queer named Steve. Now this guy could suck balls for cash, I tell ya. He likes to lick balls and spoon. He only does those things, no head or-
Whoa, I'm fucked up. I mean REAL fucked up. Steve was anally baptized.
So I walk in one day to get an irish creme dark roast mix. He tried to take my cup into the bathroom before serving it to me. So I say "Hey... Coffee fag... Where the fuck are you taking my caffino, padrino?" And he says to me, "Uh, I just wanted to wash my hands, because it's shop policy."
So I just backed off. Sure, he tried to get me to take my coffee, but after being in his queer hands, I wasn't sure about taking the risk. I didn't even take my refund, and I didn't say a word, as I walked backwards out of that hell pit, as he kept beckoning lispfully, "Hey man, take the coffee! I THWEAR I didn't do nothhhhin' to it!"
No homo-creme for hetero-me...
So Hunter Thompson visited me in a dream last night. He told me to sell all of my Target stock, because apparently the bottom's dropping out by the end of this fiscal year (March 28th), and the fact that Target is run by fucking werewolves doesn't change a thing.
My friend Chrizzie (male) is smoking Black Tar. He often refers to it as "HERON (pronounced HAIR-ON)" and "HAIR-OIN" and "HERO IN". He also refers to Native Americans as "IN-DONS" (i.e. "I just smoked scag with a crazy in-don")
SO HEY: Any of you people ever tool around in Humboldt County? We have people coming in from all over the world to see our Redwood trees, walk on our beaches, and smoke our choice buds. Consider Humboldt County as a summer stop-spot. I'll be here until June, hanging around and trying to make something of myself.
I will be down in Lodi (the California Lodi) this weekend, drinking wine and watching movies for five days. I will type of my adventures when the time comes.
All right, now I know some of you may be detered by my non-sequitur and otherwise scattered writing style. I don't feel like carrying a full story at the moment, seeing how I've been smoking them trees, nigga, but I like to write things of general interest. If you don't like one thing, another will probably catch your interest.
P.S.: DO ME AND YOURSELF A FAVOR, and get wasted this weekend. If not for me or yourself, then do it for Uncle Duke (we miss you, Thompson)
User Reviews
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-02 02:52:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:06:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is all shades of wrong, but . . . +2 for the BTK reference. Didn't know that story went as far as Kentucky.
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Huh? Isn't it national news or something?
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Dude, B.T.K. (a named coined by the killer which stands for "Bind, Torture, and Kill") was a serial killer who started killing in 1974, doing in each victim in the pattern from his nom de guierre (his nickname).
He did a few more people through the seventies, then kind of dropped out around the eighties. He started contacting local media and law enforcement in Kansas back in 2004, sending photocopies of victim's stolen driver's licenses and crime scene photos that he took himself before he left.
He was recently arrested after his daughter gave DNA to law enforcement that yielded a 90% match with old evidence. The BTK suspect, a local dog catcher named Dennis Rader, has confessed to six of the murders.
My mother has always been obsessed with serial killers. We talk about them all the time.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-02 02:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:06:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is all shades of wrong, but . . . +2 for the BTK reference. Didn't know that story went as far as Kentucky.
====================================
Huh? Isn't it national news or something?
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-01 17:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:06:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is all shades of wrong, but . . . +2 for the BTK reference. Didn't know that story went as far as Kentucky.
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...
Who?
(Just kidding, I'm obsessed with serial killers)
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is all shades of wrong, but . . . +2 for the BTK reference. Didn't know that story went as far as Kentucky.
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed the reading of this.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-01 09:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by partisan (user info) at 2005-03-01 07:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmmmmmmm, homo-creme.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-01 07:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I just wrote a rock 'n roll song.
Lurking through the corridors
the acid hallways
Despising all the hours
waiting for my car
Shootin' time away
noddin' off in the snow
The snow being lines
like a burnin' fuse
Lame drug analogies
and cheap whores cloud my thinking
I've been thinking it's time
To hire a sub-editor...
First PERSON TO forward thIS to ETS gets 10 +2s on their lowest-rated posts.
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (user info) at 2005-03-01 05:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Coffius Fagalotumus".
Best part of the fucking thing.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-03-01 05:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"P.S.: DO ME AND YOURSELF A FAVOR, and get wasted this weekend."
what else is there to do?
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-01 05:33:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That's my name (and I'm smoking pot, too)
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-01 05:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're weird