Remeber when pill popping was bad? (754 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Alfa Veloce <avi02.at.hotmal.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-01 06:50:34 EST
Its long so if you're not in the mood hit your back button
I am avid TV viewer and as a result I tend to notice a lot of stuff. One thing that has lit up my pop-culture radar like a missile over Baghdad is pills. It seems that science has not only discovered how to make old men horny and insecure men more secure by enlargening their nether regions, but it has also been hard at work creating the key to the perfect human and the perfect life. So don't feel bad if you don't remember when pill popping was bad...we have a pill for that now.
Its called Nuvoril. Now this brings an important question to mind: "If you need a pill to help you remember, how are you going to remember to take the pill in the first place?" But perhaps we are as forgetful as the pharmaceutical industry tells us we are. I found support for this on VH1. They made a clip show about the mindless trends of a decade that ended only 4 years ago. Yep, I'm talking about I love the 90s. Now while I enjoy a trip down memory lane, most of the stuff that located four to 8 blocks behind me are still fresh enough in my mind that they do not need to be rehashed by "hip", trendy comics in their retro cool cat-eye glasses that my third grade teacher wore.
Ok, now back to tokin' up.
A few years ago in the 90s Mathew Perry, then known to the world only as Chandler Bing, entered rehab for a pain killer addiction and the world was disgusted, yet mildly amused by Robert Downey Jr.'s constant powdered nose. This gave pill popping a bad name...if you relied on pills...you would be on the evening news looking like the aftermath of a weekend in Tijuana. Everyone knew that. People were looking to "natural" remedies. They looked to ginseng, St. John's Wart, Ginko and a host of other distilled weeds to cure their ailments. Herbs were no longer a hippie thing and didn't require any smoking apparatus to use. Herbs were good for you. I know this trend occurred because the creators of South Park devoted an entire episode to mocking the natural remedy craze that swept the nation.
Fast forward a couple of years. We got Anna, a Quaalude addicted Texas icon. Anna Nicole Smith, known for exploding breasts and boning old guys, made us laugh as she stumbled and dry humped her way through her ex-husband's money and into the hearts of ordinary people and comedians everywhere. We went for being horrified by the effects of odd pills to being entertained by them.
And then there was Ritalin. This pill enabled us to replace parenting with a pill and waltz on to catch the next Survivor episode.
When I was in elementary school and acting like a kid, a whole 15 years ago, I got a note from the teacher sent to my parents. This resulted in a firm talking to or a well placed whomp depending on the seriousness of the offense. Aside from a very slight curiosity about the spanking fetish, I don't see any ill effects from this type of parenting.
So in the quest to create the idyllic America of Beaver Cleaver we forgot what a little punk the Beave could be. So instead we drugged our kids into submission.
Oh, and speaking of drugging beavers; we found a way to make chicks horny too. Its called Avilimil. Yep, when she has a headache forget the Advil and slip her an Avilimil. But you had better make damn sure you took your Viagra and Enzyte because you gonna need all the help you can get.
And while you're up since your 4 day old erection hasn't come down why don't you head out an stock up on those warm sensations Trojans you saw while watching TRL on MTV. Oh and don't bother with the "Her Pleasure" Trojan. She got hers from the medicine cabinet.
Uh-Oh. So now she's got her horny pills and you two are too tired from humpin' up a storm? No worries mate...I got you covered. This miracle pill called Dromias will help you get enough sleep so you'll be nice and rested to bump the nasties anytime. Oh, and if you are still feeling fatigued, you can always pop an Altovis. That ought to help you make that deadline and keep your boss', boss', boss', pockets full.
So now you are the ultimate person, leading the ultimate life. You remember everything, including when to take your pills, have a larger penis that's stays alive longer and harder, along with an equally horny place to put it. As if that wasn't enough, you are well rested and less fatigued so you met that deadline and were promoted 1.75 rungs up the corporate ladder. Good for you. Buy yourself a new luxury sedan to match your new income bracket and have a biscuit.
Oh No! Now you are crying and holding the oldest and truest form of artificial mood alteration...Booze. Why? Because your newly horny girl was so horny she spread 'em for anything that could get it up and now you are all alone, sad and pathetic with your better, longer, harder erection in one hand and a bottle in the other. But do not fret my friend the 90s have you covered. Back then they invented Prozac and Zoloft. So now you can be happy even though pills turned you wife into nympho slut, and you into a loser with a huge erection which by now should be causing an enormous amount of pain. But at least you're rested and you were able concentrate in school.
I'm just going to stick to booze and my natural herbal remedies.
User Reviews
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Aside from a very slight curiosity about the spanking fetish, I don't see any ill effects from this type of parenting. "
Couldn't agree more..... does that make me bad??? Do I need a spanking?
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-01 14:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-01 13:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AnotherStupidUsername (user info) at 2005-03-01 12:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever seen "Requiem for a Dream"? Brilliant.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:37:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very entertaining.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:25:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-01 09:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
MMMMMMMMMMMM oxycotin.
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-01 09:33:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make excellent points. But you forgot the birthcontrol pills so your cunt wife won't spawn anything.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-01 09:15:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The pharmaceutical industry is evil. They won't be happy until every man, woman and child in the United States is hooked on something.
Sidebar: Is anyone else totally skeeved out by the thought of old people fucking? It's not natural for 75 year old men to be walking around with wood all the time. Bleah.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-01 08:08:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That wasn't long.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-01 08:00:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-03-01 07:21:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What we need are pills with permanent effects. Whilst a permanent hard-on would be inconvenient, a permanent memory would be awesome. If I could remeber everything in perfect detail then I'd be like Sherlock Holmes or The Green Lantern, only more depressed obviously. I'd always know where my wallet was though.
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2005-03-01 07:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice!!
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-03-01 07:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great stuff