Strange Men Who Have Tried To Get Into My Pants: Episode I – The Zombie-Hating Skate Rat (2793 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.66 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Pentameter (View user info) at 2005-03-01 10:03:45 EST
It began innocently, with my friend Frank and I going to see his boyfriend's band. After the show was over, Frank helped carry out the band's equipment, while I stood inside the bar waiting for him to come back. I lit up a cigarette and stared at the side door because I wanted to go home. A scrawny skate-punk kid with long greasy hair and faded black jeans was leaning against the bar, also looking for the person that he came with.
"You waiting for someone?" he asked.
No, I was standing there because I wanted to know what it was liked to stand around with a skinny little shit next to me.
"Yeah," I said.
"Your boyfriend?"
"No, my best friend."
"Oh. I'm waiting for my best friend too," he said.
He shuffled his feet, trying to look and me without looking at me. Frank, hurry up, come on, I kept thinking. I noticed that I was inhaling very deeply and I finished my cigarette in sixteen seconds.
"That'll kill you," he said.
"Yeah, if I'm lucky it will," I said, as I hoped that I would die at that exact moment.
As soon as I was getting ready to leave, Frank walked back into the bar. "Sorry, I was, well, you know."
"Hey Frank," the little skater said.
"Brian, what's up? I didn't see you before. What's new man?"
Great. Fucking great. They know each other. The world was coming down, and I was in the middle of it. Now, I would run the risk of having to see this junior shit head again.
"Did you meet Brian? He's in my communications class at school," Frank said.
"No Frank, but I guess I did now, didn't I?"
I was pissed. This little fucker was in the same place I was every day, and now I would definitely see him around. I tried to put on my best, "Yes, I care about who you are" face, and smiled painfully as he complimented my clothes and hair.
"Frank, can we go now, I'm tired," I said.
"Maybe I'll see you around, pretty girl," Brian said.
I muttered under my breath, "God I hope not," and flashed him a fake smile.
At first, I didn't see him anywhere, but then Frank told me that he was asking about where my classes were. Frank asked me if I liked him, and I said, "No, don't tell him."
But he did. So Brian started showing up outside of my classes, trying to act like Don Juan while I was trying not to vomit. The conversations were terrible. Brain tried desperately to be smooth and I fought to pay attention.
"Are you afraid of zombies?" he asked me one day.
"No, zombies are fucking gay. They can't run, and when they do try to move quickly, their arms and legs fall off. And, oh, they aren't real," I said.
"Oh. But they're scary," he said.
"Dude, they don't even exist! How can something that doesn't exist be scary?"
"They could be real."
"Well, show me a zombie and I'll believe you. And if you do show me a zombie, I'll punch it in the face, and its head will fall off, because they're fucking weak. I have to go to class," I said, tossing my cigarette.
"Fucking zombies. I can't believe he just asked me about zombies. Is he twelve? What a retard," I said as I walked into the building, not knowing that he was right behind me.
"I'm not a retard, and I'm not twelve. I'm scared of them," he said, tears nearly welling up in his eyes.
Since I really don't like hurting people's feelings, I was a little upset, but I didn't really worry about it. I figured that he wouldn't bother me again, so it was worth it. I thought that maybe he would understand that I thought he was a reject.
Brian was another person who thought he was smarter than me, and he started to follow me around campus. He would stand in the hallway while I was at work, and when I would step out to make copies or pick up the mail, I would see him ducking into corners. It took me a while to realize what he was doing, but the more frequently I saw him, the more I understood what was happening.
So, I turned the tables. I found out where his classes were and went and stood outside of the room. When he would come out, I would scuttle away, making sure that he saw me. Then I would talk very loudly, saying, "Look, there he is officer! That's the guy who's following me around."
Brian stopped showing up, but on the day of his last final, two years after we had met, he made sure to find me. He stood in front of me, his lower lip quivering, and said, "You led me on, you fucking tease."
"Brian...we're from two different worlds," I said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"It's just that, well, Master wouldn't approve," I said.
"Your master?"
"Yes, the Zombie Master," I said.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I belong to a cult that worships zombies. I know that you hate them and my Master would disapprove of our relationship. If he knew we were talking now...."
"What? What would happen?" he asked.
"He would...Oh my God!" I shouted, "Brian...run!"
He looked over his shoulder, and quite coincidentally, there was an elderly gentleman who was shuffling down the hallway. Panic spread over his face, and I swear there was a urine stain spreading on his pants. After a small gasp, he took off down the hallway, nearly ripped the door off the hinges and knocked over a few people as he tried to get away from the "Zombie Master."
Brian never spoke to me again...I wonder why?
User Reviews
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 09:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-07-27 10:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace. I see why you dislike the Zombies now!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best pwning ever.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-03 15:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:50:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm with Brian. Things that don't exist are scarier than things that do exist.
Not that it's actually got anything to do with anything.
Let me explain with math:
An asparagus stalk = Not scary.
Being stalked by asparagus = Stupid, but disconcerting.
Case closed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dervel cracks me up!
"Any zombies out there?"
- "Don't say that."
"What?"
- "That!"
"What?"
- "That! The 'Z' word; don't say it."
"Why?"
- "Because it's ridiculous!"
"Oh alright. Are there any out there, though?"
- "Can't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that. Oh, no, wait ... there they are."
Submitted by Hollyweird (user info) at 2005-03-03 15:03:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a few stories like this...
Submitted by sharwei (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:48:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This HAS to be fake. I can't believe there are really guys like this out there. Even if its fake, still a +2. I enjoyed reading it and believing it was true.
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:16:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey do you belong to the third order of the Master's battlement? I'm a third level prefect in necromancy! Wow what a coincidence. See you at the templ!
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-03-03 04:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not just God.... Satan is ALSO a woman. Just not you. Christ, illness-induced fever-breaking is hazardous to one's health. Splendid. I'm going to go attempt to splice grains of salt with my Ginsu collection now.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-03-03 01:04:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sneezed and hit this herer +2 button.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-02 19:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love the reactions I've gotten. If a guy wrote about some chick he fucked who went off the deep end and threw herslef off a cliff, he would have gotten high fives, +2s and a cape for being the fucking hero. I write about messing with a guy, and I'm a bitch.
Submitted by Butler (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:54:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
That kid obviously had some problems, but damn. You seem like one snobby bitch!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the record, I didn't ask if you were afraid of zombies, I asked if you were afraid of Rob Zombie.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-01 17:01:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Auto +2 for any mention of zombies whatsoever.
but seriously, folks. when will girls just learn to tell us to fuck off?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-01 16:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am glad this is the Episode 1, more please.
Submitted by Demolocke (user info) at 2005-03-01 15:33:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-01 15:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
blimey you're mean
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-03-01 15:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't understand... zombie's kick ass.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-01 15:08:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the end.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-01 14:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So this is why you made fun of me watching the remake of Dawn of the Dead.
Bitch.
Here I come, here I go
UH OH! Don't jump bitch, move
You see them headlights? You hear that fuckin' crowd?
Start that goddamn show, I'm comin' through
Hit the stage and knock the curtains down
I fuck the crowd up - that's what I do
Young and successful - a sex symbol
Now bitches want me to fuck 'em - true true
Hold up wait up, shorty
"Oh ah wazzzupp, get my dick sucked, what are yoouu doin'?"
Sidelinin' my fuckin' bussiness
Tryin' to get my baby child support soon
Give me that truck and take that rental back
Who bought these fuckin' T.V.'s and jewelry bitch, tell me that?
No, I ain't bitter, I don't give a fuck
But I'ma tell you like this bitch
You better not walk in front of my tour bus!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-01 13:21:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I want you to have my babies.
Sadly I am too late.
But this is great.
-Dave
Submitted by oddbob (user info) at 2005-03-01 12:47:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As blow-off lines go I really can't find fault with "my Zombie Master would disapprove of our relationship".
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-01 12:39:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it wrong that I completely understand your prejudicial opinion of Brian before you really got to know him? He's the same kind of moron that everyone I know would be saying, "Oh come on man, he's a nice guy." To which I always reply, "Yeah, but he's a moron! I demand intelligence! If he weren't a moron, he wouldn't look or act like that. It doesn't take more than 15 seconds of knowing some people to know you wouldn't like them."
I loathe stupidity. I liked this post.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:58:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got a real soft spot for mean girls.
Submitted by lordhamlett (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:56:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What a bitch.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:47:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:07:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
You have GOT to be kidding me. I have a hard time believing a wierdo like this actually exists.
+2 anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They exist all right, in huge numbers. Poor bastards. Never had a chance.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:39:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how the fuck can someone not like zombies?
Every day I wait for the great Zombie uprizing...
all those classes I took would pay off...
you know, Zombie fighting classes...
I'm a black belt with the sharpened shovel
(in every zombie movie a shovel decapitates a zombie)
I would hate to think the training went to waste...
on another note, guys always want to "meet" girls,
and by meeting, I mean copulate and star in there own porno fantasy
starring themself and some girl thet know nothing about....
hell, I was like this when young. I can think of a thousand dumbass
"don juan" or "I'm a freaking idiot" things I've said...
now I know better- I either never leave my house, or feign mental retardation
when a girl talks to me.... wait, that dosen't sound better...
anyways- nice post. sorry for the rant.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make yourself out to be the bad guy (gal) in this story. Sounds like Brian was a nice kid and you were mean to him - I used to be a skater-punk myself, it's too bad you broke his little heart.
*tear
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:22:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At the last part, I had "thriller" playing in my head
This will be a kick ass series I can see
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a horrible person. But I laughed, so I suppose I am one as well.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have GOT to be kidding me. I have a hard time believing a wierdo like this actually exists.
+2 anyway.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:03:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-01 11:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear God . . . a part of me wants to say that you DID lead him on. The twelve year-old boy part.
Everybody knows that girls mature faster than boys. Remember how, in grade school, boys would pick on girls that they "liked?" Well, sadly, I can see how an immature guy would see that as playful banter.
Not only that, but WHO THE FUCK ISN'T AFRAID OF ZOMBIES?!!!!
No wonder he had the hots for you . . . you're SuperWoman for God's sake!
Don't blame the poor boy . . . pity him. And most likely me too, for understanding him a little too much.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm with Brian. Things that don't exist are scarier than things that do exist.
Not that it's actually got anything to do with anything.
Let me explain with math:
An asparagus stalk = Not scary.
Being stalked by asparagus = Stupid, but disconcerting.
Case closed.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:48:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kraven (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:35:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and by the way, I have a boyfriend. <--- Ya ... sure....
----
Listen Brian, I am sure it still hurts you. I can understand.
However it's time to move on. Pentameter has
a great boyfriend, and I know it must kill you to hear that
but It is true. I can't believe you still hold a grudge after
all these years. She is a wonderful girl, but, she is someone
else's girl now. Move on Brian. It's time.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So I guess you get both.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This really didn't do it for me. Could be because I am a "dork that can relate" (hey, my name is Hadley, how cool can I be?) or because the formulaic "Look at the loser that hit one me" post is getting old to me. Seems like everyone is doing something similar. I'm torn between a +1 and a +0.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kraven (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:35:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
And well... no im not nice to everyone!
-----------
Then what's your problem? Lighten up. Jesus, you're talking to me like you're fucking Buddha or some shit.
Your tenth grade musings are hilarious. Next time I want the opinion of a 15 year old, I'll call "prolly" call right away.
WTFOMGLOL!
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:38:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
A lot.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Either that, or they themselves are zombies.
Submitted by Kraven (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:32:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kraven (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:25:29 (#)
Ranking: -1
yada yada scroll the fuck down...
-----------
Hahahahahaha...you slay me.
This took place about 7 years ago when I was 18. Is it wrong that I wasn't interested in him? Have you ever not been interested in someone? Were you always peachy sweet to every girl/boy/dog that you didn't want to be with? God forbid I don't want to suck every guy's dick who expresses an interest in me.
Oh, and by the way, I have a boyfriend. <--- Ya ... sure....
Anyway, thanks for making me laugh. <----- Thats what im here for....
And well... no im not nice to everyone!
But if chicks sucked dicks when guys showed intrest that would be cool ya know...
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:31:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
The replies to this are interesting, because most of them that are offended are probably dorks that can relate.
---
Bob, you hit the nail on the head with this one.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Kraven (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:25:29 (#)
Ranking: -1
Dontcha think the reason the guy was boring you and being so horribly smooth was because you snapped and responded so dully to everything he said... you truely are a bia... and you wonder why you have no boyfriend? Shit, you should be happy someone took intrest in you.. And after you pulling the zombie thing, he was prolly like "wtf.. i was just kidding about the zombie but this bitch just took it to far... and im getting out of here before her grandpa comes over and tries to get me and her into skat porn." But atleast you can make up stories about people asking you out... thats cool... not
-----------
Hahahahahaha...you slay me.
This took place about 7 years ago when I was 18. Is it wrong that I wasn't interested in him? Have you ever not been interested in someone? Were you always peachy sweet to every girl/boy/dog that you didn't want to be with? God forbid I don't want to suck every guy's dick who expresses an interest in me.
Oh, and by the way, I have a boyfriend.
Anyway, thanks for making me laugh.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The replies to this are interesting, because most of them that are offended are probably dorks that can relate.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha Ha, not only was this funny, but it further proves my borderline retardation and complete isolation from normal people. Their was a field at a low elevation that must have been converted marsh land of something, at night it would fog up and get creepy. I called it the zombie field, and sometimes it scarred me to drive there.
Submitted by Kraven (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:25:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Dontcha think the reason the guy was boring you and being so horribly smooth was because you snapped and responded so dully to everything he said... you truely are a bia... and you wonder why you have no boyfriend? Shit, you should be happy someone took intrest in you.. And after you pulling the zombie thing, he was prolly like "wtf.. i was just kidding about the zombie but this bitch just took it to far... and im getting out of here before her grandpa comes over and tries to get me and her into skat porn." But atleast you can make up stories about people asking you out... thats cool... not
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And here you go, for that fine piece of work.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was amusing.
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you change the guy's name? Because I think I dated the same person...from skate rat, to greasy long hair, to the hate of zombies. Weird.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's just that, well, Master wouldn't approve," I said.
--------------------------------
I hope you had a on your pouty face and sad eyes when you said this.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:09:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Once I dated Tub Girl. I don't let her use my bathroom anymore for obvious reasons.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:08:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I moved cross country to get away from a "stalker."
"Fucking zombies. I can't believe he just asked me about zombies. Is he twelve? What a retard"
This line made me laugh out loud! Fantastic, as always girlfriend.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:08:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't decide if I like the "meanness aspect" of this or not.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I shall tell you stories of strange men that have tried to get into my pants, and you shall post them, too.
They all end with "so he left a fifty on the dresser and I towelled off" but still.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-01 10:06:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I dated some girl who was afraid of zombie cows. I don't know why, all they eat are grains.
BA DUM, CHING!