Lucifer might be a homosexual, but Mars needs women. (767 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 1.71 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Monarch (View user info) at 2005-03-01 18:06:02 EST
Some of you might recall that I was recently raped in the ass by Satan. I won't linkwhore the post, as I assume that you have the capability of finding it yourself.
The 'forced anal sex with a demon' incident is due solely to my purchase of Doom 3 the other week. Several astute souls had noted that my choice to pick up Doom 3 instead of Half Life 2 may have been in error, and recommended that I solve the problem by shelling out for Valve's masterpiece project.
Well, late last Sunday afternoon Gordon Freeman showed up at my apartment. After he busted down my door with his trusty crowbar, he proceeded to force upon me a brand-new copy of Half Life 2. He insisted that this be installed onto my computer immediately, or I would suffer painful shotgun-death. He also stole fifty bucks from my wallet before leaving, muttering something about 'production costs' and 'publishing fees.'
After playing for several days, here's the breakdown:
I spent time running my Marine in Doom 3 through a busted up planetary base, jumping at shadows and getting ambushed at every turn by evil hell-spawn who wanted to anally violate me every chance they got. If I used the flashlight I could see the evil butt-pirate demons, but could not shoot them. If I used a gun, I could shoot at them, but could not see them. After a while this gets boring.
Half Life 2 let me run around as a geeky scientist guy who can (for unknown reasons) perform head-shots flawlessly with a 9mm pistol from 100 yards away. Gordon Freeman can sprint faster than a freight train and hop off 100 foot cliffs without spraining his ankle. Plus, he can use a goddamn flashlight and shoot his gun AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME. He's like god... in a funny orange suit.
You know what I learned from this experience?
No one really wants to play a game where everyone you meet is dead (or undead, as the case may be) and everything you see is broken or destroyed.
We want wide open spaces. We want headshots from the tops of buildings. We want to run over guards in a dune buggy. We want plasma rifles, rocket launchers, and a Colt Python .357. We want a funny squeezy ball that summons hordes of bug creatures that rip our enemies to shreds. We want to toss explosive barrels across the room at aliens. We want to light our foes on fire watch gleefully as they slumble blindly around the area waving their arms and screaming in pain. We want to launch a super-heated piece of rebar through an enemy sniper's torso from over half a mile away. Damnit, we want to kick ass and take names.
But most of all, we want hot chicks.
Doom 3 might have been more enjoyable if there had been some type of character developement with another person. Namely, an attractive person of the opposite gender. How do you think they sold Resident Evil? There are hot chicks in every Resident Evil game, more often than not kicking zombie ass right alongside the guys.
Running around on Mars having demons hop out of dark corners might have been more fun if I had a little bit of character development, or someone to protect. Instead it degenerated into a pointless scare routine that made me wonder if I was better off just letting the demons kill me.
The Prince of Darkness might be a homosexual, but mars needs women.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:24:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:08:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
You need the duct-tape mod for Doom 3 and a copy of Operation Flashpoint and the 2 expansions... and Riddick. And bullshit you installed Halflife 'immediately' - that's fucking impossible thanks to 'steam' - motherfucking thing takes ages... reamed x steam.
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That's true. But I didn't think that anyone gave a shit that Half Life 2 took three and a half hours to install. (Nevermind mysteriously uninstalling by modem and network card drivers for no apparent reson.)
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:30:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of you might recall that I was recently +2'ed this post. I won't linkwhore the rating, as I assume that you have the capability of finding it yourself.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You need the duct-tape mod for Doom 3 and a copy of Operation Flashpoint and the 2 expansions... and Riddick. And bullshit you installed Halflife 'immediately' - that's fucking impossible thanks to 'steam' - motherfucking thing takes ages... reamed x steam.
Submitted by ghey (user info) at 2005-03-01 18:55:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Doom 3 is cool, but Half-Life 2 was awesome even at lowest resolution settings.
The ending sucked though, beat it in the first try, not to mention there wasn't enough G-Man in this one.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-01 18:39:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My computer won't play HL2. Fucking Sony.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-03-01 18:25:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They are both great games, but I have to agree that HL2 kicks some serious ass. C/S:source blows ass though. 1.6 baby
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-01 18:10:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, I fucking love Half-Life 2. And although it makes me feel like a sad little man, as computer characters go whats-her-name was pretty hot.
Finished it yet?