You bitches don't believe I rock like motherfuckin' Gibraltar? (NSFW) (2660 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: uber-related
Rating: 1.62 on 83 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-02 05:07:10 EST
I can see why some of you don't believe a word I say. I tell you that I'm a bangin' hot MILF with big tits and red hair and a thing about booze and wildebeest (preferably at the same time) and you're like "Nu-uh" and I'm like "yuh-huh" and you're like "nu-uh" and I'm like "Shyeah!"
The thing is, some people are just blessed. Like me. I wish I wasn't this fucking good, you know? I wish I wasn't so damned fucking awesome that all of y'all need to bring me down. But it's not my fault. It's YOURS. You with your averageness, your boring life, your dull outlook and ordinary hair.
So I'm going to help you. You'll never be as fucking good as me, but at least you can be better than you are. Losers.
DRESS TO IMPRESS
Now, we all know that the clothes make the man. But did you know that the clothes make the man drool? Seriously, next time you lock the kids in a cupboard and go out for the night to get a lil sumsum, dress it up. Flaunt what ya got, sisters. If it's low cut, if it's thigh high, if it's see through, you're golden, baby. You'll hear ugly women talking about "class" and "elegance" - fuck that shit off. That's just loserspeak for "I can't get laid."
TELL IT LIKE IT IS
Be honest with your menz. Walk up to the guy making your thighs damp, pull down your top, lean forward to give him the titty shot and say loud enough to wake the dead "I take it up the ass, bareback!" This move works best if you wait for a lull in the noise; let everyone hear you. If for some reason your intended breeding animal is gay, there'll be twenty other guys in earshot.
SETTING THE SCENE
Right. You've overwhelmed him with your raw sexuality and the scent of your knockoff Chanel. He's in your room, the kids are safely drugged and out of the way. STOP. Make sure you have all the necessary tools:
*Thigh high stockings to hide the fact that you've not shaved in a month. (Hip length rubber waders are acceptable for Eastern European women.)
*Candles. Not for romance; so that when his tallywhacker finally goes flaccid you can entertain him with a steamy display of "Look how many of these fit in my twat!"
*Dim lighting, to hide your messy room, your smudged mascara, and the hair on your toes.
BEING A GOOD PARENT
Of course, life isn't just about sex. Sex makes babies and sometimes they need attention, too. Always remember: your children love you. They can't fucking help it. Take advantage of this to beat them daily, instill a healthy terror of your wrath, and just for fun give each of them a different phobia. Be creative with it; it's easy to make a kid scared of spiders. A GOOD Mummy will go the extra mile and give her son an all consuming terror of sea sponges. This will make them interesting to other children, and they'll spend less time at home and more time teaching their little friends to light fires.
TAKE PRIDE IN YOUR HOME
People, people, people. Nobody is going to want to come over and drink themselves into a coma with you if your home looks like an exploded dumpster. Simply rake all the mess into the kids' bedrooms and eat off paper plates.
And that's it. That's all I can help you with. The rest is up to you.
You're still going to suck. But maybe, just maybe, you can suck less.
User Reviews
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-04-15 22:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-15 20:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that pic made me vomit.
Fortunately I caught the bulk of it in my mouth.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Breakfast AND lunch!!!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-15 20:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that pic made me vomit.
Fortunately I caught the bulk of it in my mouth.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-20 04:42:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-06 11:32:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's where I normally insert some romantic or downright vulgar description of the things I want to do to you.
However, due to THAT FUCKING PICTURE, I've got nothing and will most likely be the sexual equivalent of a dirty dishrag for the remainder of the week.
My wife thanks you.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-03-05 03:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my gosh.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-03-03 17:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was thinking of parodying this too, but you beat me to it. I think you did better than I would have done anyway. I'm glad someone did it. That amount of hubris begs to be mocked.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:30:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Candles. Not for romance; so that when his tallywhacker finally goes flaccid you can entertain him with a steamy display of "Look how many of these fit in my twat!"
Did she just write that? Nah she couldn't possibly... oh wait yes she did...
Ahahahahhaa
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-03-03 00:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I told you about that sense of humor.
Brilliant.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-03 00:20:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"*Candles. Not for romance; so that when his tallywhacker finally goes flaccid you can entertain him with a steamy display of "Look how many of these fit in my twat!"
PFFFFFTTT!! -- That is the sound of me spraying my computer monitor with startle-spit. Had I been drinking at the time, I would have been electrocuted.
Now I feel I should find the post this was based on.
Circe, baby, how you doin'? Don't post pictures of horrifically obese dominatrixes again, please.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 21:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:17:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
aiigh..Circe, darling, when you post a link to your post (like from 1.21G's post), would you please put NSFW on that as well?
_____________________
Oh, shit, I'm sorry... I thought the pic was far enough down that people would see NSFW in the title and stop scrolling. Sorry, dude. My bad.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61059
EVERYBODY loves Tubgirl!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're so hot
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:59:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There used to be this old crazy cat who hung
around outside of the St. Morits Hotel, hackin
his tuberculosis wisdom out at the tourists and smack heads
who got close enough to ensnare, often belching fables
of alien abduction and government hornswaggling.
He and Circe would've made fast friends.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:52:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
I want her...badly.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:47:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very good!
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:37:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As always.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
aiigh..Circe, darling, when you post a link to your post (like from 1.21G's post), would you please put NSFW on that as well?
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:17:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats my "before" picture.
"Before what Screamy?" you might say.
Before the time of the Terrible Lizards.
I got nothing to do but put my nose to the grindstone and hope to some Dark God that I get this tumor off before I polish the bone nicer than a hot butter wax job on some tricks nipples.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:05:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-03-02 14:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-03-02 12:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This rocked!!!
I take partial credit on account of encouragement.
Also, I'm a whore.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:52:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Parody = +2.
-Dave
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(Hip length rubber waders are acceptable for Eastern European women.)
Circe, being kind of new to Uber, I don't know you. But I want to. Oh, so much.
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:13:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I snorted.
Then I bought some candles.
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:57:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:48:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:30:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Best parody ever.
========
What about fuck wizards, gnomes get what they want because they earned it?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:56:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to have to dye my hair red.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:30:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Best parody ever.
Submitted by BludKake (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:38:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You take bukkake. You loved it. I was great.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you, Tim. I appreciate the honesty. I find it fucking insulting when people "try and be nice", as though I'm not a grown woman who can handle other people's opinions.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i was attempting to be nice. but i'll reiterate my reasoning, and do what you told me to.
i dont like the mood/tone/feeling of this.
-2
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah...
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You kick ass in so many ways!!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:35:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hilarious. I worship you.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:29:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hip length rubber waders are acceptable for ALL women!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I still love you, Circe, I'm just reciprocating. It's in my nature, girl!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:53:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want you NOW
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:44:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:38:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Shhh... shhh... there there, it's okay...
*patting your head*
Oh for chrissakes just shut up and eat your stew!
Tomorrow I'll buy you a puppy.
_________________
I don't want a puppy I want my damned bunny rabbit ya big old meany
___________
phuzzy - this is not psychosis. This is therapy. I'm working through long repressed issues with my father. This is sanity in its purest form.
1.21 - Miaow.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:39:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And I'm the psycho? :)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:38:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't say my post applied to single young mothers.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:38:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shhh... shhh... there there, it's okay...
*patting your head*
Oh for chrissakes just shut up and eat your stew!
Tomorrow I'll buy you a puppy.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BUNNY NO
MY BUNNY
MAKE HIM COME BACK DADDY PLEASE I'LL BE GOOD I PROMISE OH DADDY NOT BUNNY PLEASE........
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bunny's gone to heaven, darling.
*muffled bang from behind the shed*
On the plus side, we're having dinner tonight!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:30:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:28:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:20:33 (#)
oh look a rabbit get it get it IT'S GETTING AWAY!
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That's not a rabbit, that's a rat with tulip leaves stapled to its head and massive fluffy white tumor on its tail.
_____________
Bunny wabbit?
Widdle bunny wabbit?
*blinking back tears*
Bunny?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:29:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I know you rock like motherfuckin' Gibraltar.
And it scares me.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:28:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-02 06:52:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHHH HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!
Best fucking parody EVAR.
EVAR!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:20:33 (#)
oh look a rabbit get it get it IT'S GETTING AWAY!
------------------------------------------------
That's not a rabbit, that's a rat with tulip leaves stapled to its head and massive fluffy white tumor on its tail.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
did i just see that?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're a whole new kind of fuck up, phuzzy.
JMG - No, but I'd let you be my last fling before the wedding if I was going to have one but I'm not but if I were you'd be it or at least in the top three or maybe five six if you include my immediate family oh look a rabbit get it get it IT'S GETTING AWAY!
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:16:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah.
Bugger.
Well, you see, what I meant was, actually, erm, that I uh, was beginning to sound kinda, you know, er, cultured, and intelligent like, with great insights into man's foibles and wandering spirit. Thingy. Erm, yeah...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:13:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:06:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
You know in the beginning of the Incredibles when they played that short film "Ramblin'" with a jackrabbit and a poncy sheep? It's a bit like that today.
I'm kinda rambling.
But I'm not a jackrabbit.
Or a poncy sheep.
I'm just man, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love me...
Oy vey. I'm starting to sound like Rad...
_________
Not that there's anything wrong with that, right? RIGHT?
(Dear god, man, do you want to attract its attention? THINK THESE THINGS THROUGH!!)
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah? Who's Dutch?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:08:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear that Dutchmen snore. Marry me, Circe.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know in the beginning of the Incredibles when they played that short film "Ramblin'" with a jackrabbit and a poncy sheep? It's a bit like that today.
I'm kinda rambling.
But I'm not a jackrabbit.
Or a poncy sheep.
I'm just man, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love me...
Oy vey. I'm starting to sound like Rad...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 08:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
phuzzy - you, uh... you're not a well man, are you?
I like that in a person.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, you shouldn't, okay? I had my frontal lobes pierced as a child, and now my mother makes me wear these dangly gypsy earrings all day. As a young man trying to giggle his way through as many young children as he can a day, do you have any idea how much I get laughed at? Do you!?!
I'm sorry. I have no idea where that came from, or what it meant.
Oh deary.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
phuzzy - I know. I was feigning incoherent rage to make myself giggle like a child without frontal lobes.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Phuzzy - THAT'S NOT ME YOU ASSHOLE
------------------------------------
Um, I know. I was also being facetious lass. Jeez.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaaaaaaaahahahahahhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
+2 million.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:35:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
While the pic assured my keyboard will contain vomit for the next 10,000 years there is simply no denying the pure awesomeness of this
No denying mother fucker, yes you read that right.
DO YOU SPEAKA THE ENGLISH?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, if you weren't already taken i'd pack up my shit and come help you with those candles.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:31:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been smoking crystal meth off of the casing of a FUCKING ROBOT for nine days now.
And I don't have kids.
And you talk like you've got it goin' on...
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best parody ever.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's supposed to be insulting. It's a fucking parody. Damn man, if you don't like it, grow some balls and -2 the hell out of it. Don't give me your pussified +1 "it was mean and cruwel and you're a baaaaaaad puddy tat."
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:21:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
boooooo
the orignal was condescending and assholeish, granted. i dont like the mood/tone/feeling of this. its insulting. yes, i understand that the orignal was insulting to ma ny too, but i think it was written with good intentions.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a believer
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-02 07:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 DIE!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 06:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rawrg, go fuck yourself, dear.
Phuzzy - THAT'S NOT ME YOU ASSHOLE.
williamson - get the sand out of your cunt. I found that by googling "hot bitch."
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-02 06:52:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHHH HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!
Best fucking parody EVAR.
EVAR!
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-02 06:51:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what the hell man, when there comin at you ,
Hey snap outa that shit man !
What the fuck!
i'M OUTA HERE FOR THAT!!!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-02 06:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you hadn't spent all your time finding fat porn you might have made it.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:40:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww Circe, don't go! We love you! And it's an amazing tattoo! Stay, pleeeease?
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:38:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, I was just being sarcastic. I understood the true meaning of this post and how everyone can be beautiful even if they're a fat piece a shit wearing half a gimp suit. It moved me, really.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:30:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you menz not find her to be just the hottest bitch ever??
I'm confused and saddened...
I was just trying to make your day brighter, oh god I'm such a failure I'm so sorry...
*flees, weeping copiously*
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wanna hear a story, Circe, you fuck?
There was a man one day wasting his life away on the intraweb. He came across the author "Circe" and expected a bit of worthwhile musings and possibly a good picture.
During the reading of this he became enthralled by the imagery painted by a skillful master. Given the (NSFW) in the title his bits were already beginning to tingle. Now without a care of the danger of what may happen next, he - now listen, cause this is important - scrolled down to that picture with the image of melting candles still in his mind while in mid stroke.
CIRCE YOU FUCKING FUCK I WAS JERKING OFF! I BLAME YOU FOR THIS!
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Jeebus H. Rice.
It's like the woman every man dreams of and then runs away from gibbering nervously when he actually finds her because she's the woman he's dreamed of all his life and he can't handle that much raw womanly wonderfulness.
Gosh.
And the writing's cool too.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Look how many of these fit in my twat!"
I think I love you.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:18:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like yours better.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:13:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cmon, don't post those pictures of when you were young and skinny.
...
Tease.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What a horrible, horrible picture. You are a bad person. BAD! ! ! ! ! !
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-03-02 05:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, but I need to sandblast my retinas now.
And burn out my visual cortex with a soldering iron.
Good post though.