I'll Grow a Beard If I Want to, Bitch (1354 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.79 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Espo (View user info) at 2005-03-02 09:46:00 EST
*Kiss*
"Owww!"
"What's wrong, baby?"
"Your stubble is scratching my face."
"What?"
"My face is gonna get all red now."
"It looks fine to me...where are you going?"
*Walks into bathroom*
"See! It is all red!"
"No it's not honey, you're just hot...or at least you were."
"What was that?"
"Huh? Oh...nothing..."
"That's what I thought."
"Baby, can you please just come back to bed."
"I'll be there in a sec. I just need to put some cream on my face so it doesn't chaff."
"Dammit, your face is NOT going to chaff. You'll be fine, I promise."
"You're right, it's not going to chaff ANYMORE, because you're going to shave right now."
"What? I'm not shaving."
"Yes, you are."
"Baby, we've already talked about this. I'm not shaving."
"Well then, I guess someone will be sleeping on the floor tonight, because I'm not going to risk chaffing my face."
"Well...maybe if you didn't insist on kissing so much and just went straight to business...you won't get chaffed down there..."
"What was that? It better not have been what I thought it was."
"Baby, listen to me. It's cold outside. I'm not shaving because I want to keep my face warm."
"Would you rather have a cold face, or a chaffed girlfriend?"
"Uhh..."
*Walks out of bathroom with razor*
"Baby, here. It will take five minutes."
"That's a Venus razor, baby."
"So?"
"So you use that on your legs and...other places...and there's no way in hell that I'm fucking putting that on my face. Plus no man with testicles would shave with a woman's razor."
"Fine, then. I guess you'll just have to go home, shave, and then come back."
"Hell no."
"Then I'll get my sleeping bag out of the closet. Have fun on the floor tonight."
"Look, I'm not shaving, and we're having sex tonight. Deal with it."
"Excuse me?!? Are you threatening to rape me?"
"What? No, of course not -"
"Well, why don't I just call up campus security and report a rape."
"Baby, what the hell are you doing? Put the phone down!"
*Dialing*
"Yes, hello? *sniff* I'd like to report a rape."
"WHAT THE FUCK! Give me the damn phone!"
"See! He's trying to violate me again! Help! Help!"
*Ten minutes later*
"Officer, I think there's been a misunderstanding..."
"I don't think so, boy. Put your hands behind your back."
"Baby, tell him it was a mistake. Please, baby!"
*Holds out razor*
"Fuck that. Get me away from this crazy bitch, officer."
User Reviews
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-03 02:39:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, but get rid of that fucking slag.You dont need shit in your life
like that man .
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-03-02 21:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:09:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
I have to shave every day or girls complain (I don't mind if they are well groomed as well), my shit grows in thick...and red. Which is kind of weird because I have brown hair.
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Mine grows in red too, only my hair is blonde. Well, actually I shave my head and just have a goatee, but that's not the point.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:59:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:45:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually prefer a beard...go figure.
Submitted by Technoboy (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go on fella
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-02 14:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate facial hair on a boy SO MUCH. It just looks sloppy and makes me think of homeless people. And I gave up on having sex with hobos WEEKS ago.
Oh yes... ditto for long hair.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-03-02 14:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Insanity. There's something very, very special about the feel of a bearded face making its way up your inner thigh.
Submitted by Auf-Der-Maur (user info) at 2005-03-02 14:48:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn Straight
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-03-02 14:35:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Concurred.
On another note, if some place requires me to shave before they'll employ me, they can kiss my ass.
Submitted by GreenRiver (user info) at 2005-03-02 13:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-02 12:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dumb. Fucking. Bitch.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn straight... it takes me a good two weeks to grow something that resembles a beard, when i do I keep it!
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll have to take the 5th regarding a comment to the post. i.e. Any comment I make is sure to get me in trouble. Thanks Espo. I needed the laugh :-)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just wish she would stop using my razors.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a nice thick goattee, and a leperous pygmy bush pig's splotchy moth-eaten-fur-coat beard. Woohoo stunted puberty!
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
had a similar problem with one of my ex-girlfriends. she liked to shave her kitty, but my chicken got a little porky so we just monkeyed around like sheep and my lizard was happy like a hyena after that.
"uhm..are we talking about--"
"Yeah, dude, we are."
"Okay, just checking."
--
--
"So, like, that was all--"
"Yes!"
"Okay, just checking."
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:10:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for beards
+1 because I just saw the good, the bad, and the ugly
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A HA HA HA!!!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-02 11:02:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Contrary to popular belief, I'm an agreeable dude.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:59:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:41:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was working for my universitie's police department when this girl comes in and reports that some dude raped her. She says they met at a party at a dorm, and he got her drunk and raped her. After the investigation, it turns out she was embarassed that she had sex with him, and reported it to "save her rep"
Fuckin bitch.
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I see rad1101 agrees.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Women who try that "cry rape for no reason" shit need to end up with immediate family members in bloody pieces on the kitchen floor upon release from prison.
Hell, your life's fucked from then on; you probably ended up having been beaten, kicked, stabbed, and raped yourself in prison. Share the fucking wealth!
Good post, but even fiction like this gets me SO PISSED that it's THIS EASY to ruin someones life.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:44:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen, its your fucking face man, keep the facial hair
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was working for my universitie's police department when this girl comes in and reports that some dude raped her. She says they met at a party at a dorm, and he got her drunk and raped her. After the investigation, it turns out she was embarassed that she had sex with him, and reported it to "save her rep"
Fuckin bitch.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like guys with facial hair.
it tickles <shifty eyes>
Submitted by hobbs (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:09:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have to shave every day or girls complain (I don't mind if they are well groomed as well), my shit grows in thick...and red. Which is kind of weird because I have brown hair.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:06:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Facial Hair WOOOOOOO.
-Dave
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:02:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good post, but any chick worth having prefers a man with a beard.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:01:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:56:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am growing a beard.
At least I must be. I haven't shaved for seventeen years *sigh*.
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wow. i'm in the same boat. my friend and i are debating whose facial hair grows slower and we're growing out "beards" to prove it.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-03-02 10:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i'll grow a bitch if i want, beard
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:58:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Face chaffage does suck ass, but if you wait a couple of days, the stubble gets softer and it doesn't chafe.
Beards are sexy. I have a Santa fetish like the lady from Bad Santa.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:57:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.
You're one crazy mofo!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am growing a beard.
At least I must be. I haven't shaved for seventeen years *sigh*.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:52:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Still funny.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:51:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dem bitchez crazzy Espo!
Good post.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:50:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:47:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
yay!
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Repost was just for you, Hadooken.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:49:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
strange, strange girl........Grab that fucking venus and slice her lips like a paper snowflake
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:48:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-03-02 09:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yay!