An Apocalypse of the Zombie Variety (1007 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by This is Kent Weirdo, urging the public: STAY IN YOUR HOMES (View user info) at 2005-03-02 15:13:45 EST
Ah, the zombie apocalypse scenario.
One minute you're waking up, or watching TV, or driving to the baseball game, when suddenly the Emergency Broadcast Network takes over, or some fucked-up-lookin' guy steps in front of your car.
Hours later, your city is gripped in utter panic. Looters and rioters are plaguing just as much street-space as the zombie hordes command, as they walk through the city streets, feasting on the flesh of warm-blooded creatures.
Also, every channel on your television and radio is steadily presenting the same bullshit: Rescue station lists, up-to-the-minute news updates, morons speculating and arguing, and all that shit, until the stations are raided, overrun, or your power goes out or something. Hope your grid operates on nuclear power.
I want to know what you people would do, keeping in mind these stipulations:
1. These ghouls are the reactivated bodies of the dead, George A. Romero-classic-style. Every unburied dead body with its brain well intact will reanimate and seek warm-blooded victims. Anyone who is bitten will die, and the zombie force, whatever it may be that is causing this, will reactivate those who have died from a bite.
2. The only part of the zombie that is truly "alive" is the brain. Due to the state of decay that the brain is in after death, the zombie operates on the most primitive functions (i.e. hunting, feeding). Basically, the zombie is nothing more than pure, motorized instinct. It does not require human flesh to live; it is simply following primal character. Ergo, the brain being the only part that is alive, it is the one part that absolutely MUST DIE.
My tentative plan:
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I figure that as soon as I first catch sight of a zombie or a news report, I would stay indoors for a few good days.
For one thing, trying to get to a gun shop wouldn't do me any good with the public at large storming the place, trying to steal weapons and getting killed in the process by zombies/other looters/cops/etc.
Food stores: Same thing.
I'd stretch the 28 days a human can survive without food, until many people have already died or law enforcement/military wraps things up, kinda like in "Shaun of the Dead" (because in this day and age, I bet we'd be better at this sort of thing). The zombies are something to watch out for, but even more dangerous are the bands of stupid people out there, stealing and shooting things up (weapons, drugs & otherwise).
If the human-to-zombie ratio started to lean towards zombie majority, then I'd leave my house with a .22 rifle and this sharp metal table leg I've got here.
Why these weapons?
A .22 rifle, while being one of the pussiest guns around, would actually be quite practical in this particular situation. Why carry machine-powered rifles and guns that spew/waste hundreds of rounds per second, resulting in MAYBE one or two kills, when one .22 round to the brain will make all the difference? Think of how much ammo you could carry with that much expediency.
Sharp table leg: I keep raccoons away with it. Hasn't steered me wrong, yet.
My next course of action would be to get to the local town marina. It's only 16 blocks or so away from here, so I could just walk over there. If there were any boats left, then I'd post up in one in the middle of the bay and wait until help/death comes.
I don't see any appeal in trying to start civilization up again. I hate the idea of having to carry pregnant women around with me through zombie-infested streets (unless they/their babies can shoot guns, but they wont because women groan a lot and have terrible mood swings and they eat a lot- AND WHO HAS TO DEAL WITH IT? ME, GODDAMMIT, ME!)
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Maybe I don't know exactly what I'd do. It's always been an interesting subject to me. My favorite idea has been getting a shack out in the desert and bringing along a truck full of zombie women. Then, I restrain their hands, pull out their teeth, and put my wiener in their faces. They'll try to bite it off, but NO TEETH = Good blowjob.
Speaking of zombies: http://www.ubersite.com/m/61010 Read this story by Faithless_Whisper.
User Reviews
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2006-01-02 06:42:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whilst fighting zombies last year I first pretended I was a zombie and after I gained their trust and admiration they let me cook some brains in the kitchen, then I took EVERY single fork they had and threw them away. This really pissed the zombies off.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-15 04:29:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I mention how awesome you are?
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-15 04:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:21:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think hatchets are underated in zombie fighting, it is easier to use than an ax, and lighter, it also has no problem going through skull. Machetes are alright, but you need to make sure you have one heavy and bad ass enough to go through skull.
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One of my irks with machetes and axes are that they are "sticky weapons". Once the blade plants into the skull, it takes a little wriggling and fussing to withdraw it, and I don't want to be converged on while I'm pulling out.
Didn't that last part sound nasty?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-03-08 10:21:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think hatchets are underated in zombie fighting, it is easier to use than an ax, and lighter, it also has no problem going through skull. Machetes are alright, but you need to make sure you have one heavy and bad ass enough to go through skull.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-04 20:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-04 20:22:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
if a zombie ever tries to bit off my shit, i put a double-barreled shotgun to thier head, DOOM style dawg.
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We play it straight up in tha zombie 'hood, G. We don't mess 'round, we be killin' them dead muthafuckas with fuckin' MAC-10's, TEC-9's, all that shit. Fuck those Resident Evil-honky-ass-bitches, too good to put a brotha in a game as a zombie, all these cracka zombie muthafuckas. Shit, only brotha in the series was muthafuckin' 5-0, turned white when he became a zombie, bitch-ass uncle-tom muthafucka...
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-04 20:22:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
if a zombie ever tries to bit off my shit, i put a double-barreled shotgun to thier head, DOOM style dawg.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-04 19:56:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
At least George Romero is finally coming out...
...
...OF THE CLOSET...
...The NON-GAY closet that is because he's got LAND OF THE DEAD on Oct. 26th of this year! In theatres everywhere! I'm so stoned!
GO SOUTH COMPTON WOO!
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-04 14:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One thing that pissed me off about the new Dawn of the Dead is that there weren't any looters. Surely other people survived, formed a motorcycle gang, and raped and pilaged their way across the country.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
All of you people rule. You can join my anti-zombie army.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-03-03 05:02:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-03-03 00:13:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dawn of the Dead. Very cool.
This is why I live out in the middle of fucking nowhere. I've got my .22 and my 20 gauge. I've got ammo, and I've got a snowblower, a lawnmower and a chain saw. None of the windows on my house can be reached while standing flat on the ground, and the house is kind of hidden from the road by foliage.
What else do I need?
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A Brothel.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-03 03:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are awesome.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-03 03:36:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shieldmackey (user info) at 2005-03-02 20:10:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Rread this and you'll find out all you need for zombie survival:
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?userid=T281sS2Bti&isbn=1400049628&itm=1
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Is it weird that I own this book and have parts of it memorized? Or that I've been known to quote from it from time to time?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-03-03 00:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dawn of the Dead. Very cool.
This is why I live out in the middle of fucking nowhere. I've got my .22 and my 20 gauge. I've got ammo, and I've got a snowblower, a lawnmower and a chain saw. None of the windows on my house can be reached while standing flat on the ground, and the house is kind of hidden from the road by foliage.
What else do I need?
Submitted by shieldmackey (user info) at 2005-03-02 20:10:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rread this and you'll find out all you need for zombie survival:
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?userid=T281sS2Bti&isbn=1400049628&itm=1
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-03-02 19:29:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ha no my dad manages a walmart so Im going to his store. Wal-Mart is your ultimate zombie survival headquarters
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-03-02 19:21:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I already know what I'm going to do. I'm going to blow up the huge bridge connecting my home province of Prince Edward Island to the mainland and take it over in a brutal military coup. Plans are already in the works. And if the zombies don't come, we'll just have to wait until the economy is completely looted then move in. Maybe people will get so hungry they'll start eating eachother anyway. That would sort of be like a zombie movie except, of course, zombies are not cannibals.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-02 19:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This just proves how smart my friends and I are for making our zombie contingency plan. Zoid, if you're in Austin when (WHEN not IF) the zombies come, then you can join our group.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-03-02 19:02:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
depends on if they're Romero zombies or the new MTV zombies the brainless masses seem to prefer.
Either way, Im headed over to the Wal-Mart supercenter and locking the doors. Fuck all yall who want in.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:17:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love zombies.
Submitted by Evil_Morg (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i've got to get me some freakn' zombies
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:32:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies always get +2's
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And what timecop said
Submitted by NYCRulz (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:13:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed......ive thought about that too. Id get my hands on a sword and the 12 gauge shotguns we have in the house, and raise some hell on my way to a yacht on the Hudson with the hot big boobied hippie broad from downstairs, yknow to "repopulate" the world ;)
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Then, I restrain their hands, pull out their teeth, and put my wiener in their faces. They'll try to bite it off, but NO TEETH = Good blowjob.
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That sealed it. +2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would go with a 22 and a shotgun full of buckshot. The newer dead would be pretty fast still. You know how hard it is too shoot a moving target in the head?
Also, I would barricade myself inside of the nearest Brothel.
I think that one's pretty much self explanatory.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:42:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best. Post. EVER!
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw the original Dawn Of The Dead when I was eight years old, and for the past 12 years I have been pondering zombie-apocalyptic scenarios. I believe the world's military could handle such a situation by declaring martial law and thus preventing the threat from spreading too much. But if things did break down, my plan would be such: an abandoned aircraft carrier at a dock somewhere. Those things are pretty much impossible to get onto except for certain entrances, like the walkway that connects it to land while at dock. I would raise anchor and get it just a little ways from shore and drop anchor again. Then I would use a shuttle boat to go between the boat and shore for my project: my own little self-sustaining boat. Sure, there is enough military food and rations on the boat to keep me good for a while, but in the meantime I would build a bunch of 100x100 foot low boxes out of two-by-fours, fill them with good dirt, and grow food in them.
Plus, you can land a plane or a helicopter on an aircraft carrier. If the zombies eventually died off, or if an attack was planned on zombies, I could help out by providing a base of operations with a zombie-proof shelter (the aircraft carrier), food, and weapons. Plus all that top-flight communication technology, artillery, and other what-nots. GRanted, I can't operate anything more complicated than a rifle and a CB radio, but other people might be able to. We'd hook up and they'd feel like they owe me one.
I love talking about this shit.
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:41:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I would follow your same plan, only that I wouln't stay indoors per se, I would be on a rooftop or something, you wouldn't guess how many times I have dreamed (dreamt ?) that scenarion, and all the times I have survived by staying on the rooftops and jumping from roof to roof of my neighbourhood and entering various buildings that way... but I agree with you, I would play it out like in 28 Days Laters, those mofos must rely on some sort of energy source to keep walking, so if I just outlive them, I win (I don't need to run faster than the lion, I need to run faster than you).
Also, I think that a katana, machete or some sort of sharp slashing weapon would be my weapon of choice, fuck ammo.
For survival, beef jerky and canned stuff, all the way... oh, and don't forget natural honey, if the container is good, it won't go bad (great energy source)
Those are my $0.02
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:37:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:20:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun to read, and I'm link-whoring my zombie post to yours.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61010
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BUT I ALREADY DID, GOD DAMN IT!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies always get +2's
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun to read, and I'm link-whoring my zombie post to yours.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61010
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:19:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm terrified of zombies. As a 26 year old educated woman, I am deeply ashamed of this.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Patton Oswalt
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:17:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I watched "Shaun of the Dead" last night so +2 for you.
Also, that shit about zombie women without teeth at the end made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies kick ass dude, except that rob guy.