If You Would Just Get Pummeled in the Face with a Tire Iron, That Would be Great (1859 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.83 on 67 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by youarsoghey (View user info) at 2005-03-02 15:57:11 EST
Insanity is like the bubonic plague: close proximity with a carrier can get you infected, and the English have had terrible bouts with both throughout their history.
-Jan Hartigan
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Has anyone ever thought about what those 1337 H4X0Rz kids will do when they go off to work in the real world?
To: T. Heverfordsonington
From: J. Stamos
Hey, Timmy, can you go ahead send me those TPS cover sheets?
Thanks,
John
-------
To: J. Stamos
From: T. Heverfordsonington
Hey, John. Do you want me to email that, or do JOO \/\/4|\|7 |\/|E 70 F4x0Rz?
-------
I can't wait to punch every one of those smarmy little dildo munchers square in the nose.
======================================================
Why do people go see modern blacksploitation films? They all follow the same formula:
1. Black Man is oppressed by Evil Whitey (or Evil Whitey's co-conspirators like the Coca-Cola Corporation or Colin Powell) so Black Man can't get ahead.
2. Black Man is thrust into a bizarre setting (time or place) where Black Man discovers the true horror behind Evil Whitey's oppressiveness: no culture and a conspicuously small amount of rap music.
3. Black Man is shunned by all except for Evil Whitey's daughter who needs to learn that "once you go black, you never go back."
4. Black Man confronts Evil Whitey and defeats him with his street smarts and maybe a rap interlude or two. Evil Whitey is appalled that a man with such dark skin dare be in the presence of someone with such light skin.
5. Black Man returns to oppressed life with a new sense of how great it is to not be white.
What's worse is that "Black Man" will no doubt be some raunchy comedian who made his fortune telling black and white people just how they're so different from one another:
"See, black people like chicken, and white people ARE chicken!"
Wow, that's some insightful social commentary, jackass. Hey, look! The sky is blue!
Don't believe me? Go watch "Marci X" or "Black Knight."
======================================================
Apparently, rivals Clear Channel and Infinity Broadcasting need to slap their brand names everywhere because when it comes to being brainwashed by mass-media conglomerates, we want to have a choice.
======================================================
My brother recently showed me a National Weather Service severe weather bulletin that was out for where he lives in Orange County:
... THE SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING FOR CENTRAL ORANGE COUNTY IS CANCELLED...
THUNDERSTORMS WILL CONTINUE WITH DEADLY LIGHTNING AND HAIL. HOWEVER... THEY ARE NOT EXPECTED TO BE SEVERE.
======================================================
Puff Daddy, or whatever the fuck his name is these days, needs to get his balls stapled together for his "Vote or Die" campaign. I admire his intentions for urging poor or underprivileged people to use their vote as a lobbying tool, but what an asshole. He drove up to the ghettoes in a Hummer blinding the locals with a mountain of platinum and gold and said...
"The way to get what you want is to vote!"
Really. From what I see, the way to get what you want is to ride in the slipstream of people who are more talented than you are, and, once they mysteriously die or disappear, take over their vast empires built on excess and greed. The reason why all those rappers are all about bling-bling and "ice" is because they never had an Irish-Catholic grandfather telling them that jerking off too much makes your balls rot off. Talk about takin' me lucky charms.
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The zero-trans-fat craze is going to bitch slap Dr. Atkins and call him a pussy. This is supposed to be the "next big thing," (bigger than the Atkins diet, some say) when I think we all know that this is actually the thing that is going to HIT the "next big thing" square in its fat, dumb ass.
What the fuck is "trans-fat" anyway? Without looking it up, I'm going to venture a guess. "Trans" comes from the Latin "moving" and "fat" is obvious. With this intense dissection, I have deduced that "trans-fat" actually means:
You're a fucking dumbass for thinking "trans-fat" means anything at all.
Doritos did not taste any different before they put the "Zero Trans-Fat!" labels on the bags, and the people who eat Doritos and intend to be more healthy afterward need to get midgets to walk between their legs with old German World War I helmets on.
======================================================
"Is he crazy enough..." is one of the stupidest phrases ever conceived. Observe:
"Alright guys, we've just picked up a new quarterback. His name is Jeffrey Dahmer."
"Jeffrey Dahmer?? But coach, isn't he the guy who killed, raped, and mutilated people, but never in any particular order?"
"Well, sure, he ALSO did those things, but he can throw a mean spiral."
"But coach, he's crazy!"
"Sure, he's crazy, but is he crazy enough to win?"
No, you stupid, clichéd anal wart, he's not crazy enough to win. That phrase means nothing. I hope I never see another movie with Mel Gibson jumping through glass off a ten-story building as his Captain stands back and shakes his head saying, "That detective is crazy! But he's just crazy enough to solve crimes. However, if he lives through this, I'll have him humping the graveyard shift handing out parking tickets."
======================================================
I hate the people who drool at the thought of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt breaking up.
The captain of the Junior Varsity Chess Team takes a bathroom break to sit in the stall with his picture of the popular "Friends" actress, contemplating his next move, much like he would do on JV Chess:
"Oh, my sweet love, we will be together at last. For all these many years you have never listened to me when I shouted at your picture in my room that Brad Pitt was just looks, smarts, talent, fame, popular, likeable, and funny, but what else can he offer? Nothing! Now we can be together forever and make super babies that are wonderfully talented, hot, and can play chess like no other!"
I just hope nobody tells him that it's equally possible for the kid to be ugly, suck at chess, and have to be on Friends anyway. Ouch.
The captain of the Cheerleading Team sits contemplatively in her pink room, walls covered in Brad Pitt posters:
"Oh, Brad, how could she do this to you?! Come with me and we can finally be together! That bitch from Friends is finally out of the way and you can marry me, and on our honeymoon we'll have the night of our lives!"
Yes, you stupid bitch, Brad Pitt wants to be with a high school senior who he can't have sex with until he marries her. That defeats the entire point of being Brad Pitt. Jennifer Aniston was the top of the heap. From here on out, he's just banging supermodels...he must be heartbroken.
======================================================
Last year, some of my friends were drinking in a dorm room and being a bit rowdy. Naturally the RAs could hear them from outside the door and they walked in at the same moment one of my roommates said:
"HEY, LET'S FUNNEL THIS BEER!"
"Excuse me, what?" asked the rosy-cheeked RA.
"I mean...let's not funnel this not beer. Let's say my left hand is the beer and my right hand is me. My right hand would say to my left hand, 'you's a bitch!'"
What makes it so awesome is that he didn't get into any real trouble.
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I want to shove an ice pick into the eye of the person who came up with the title to the sequel of The Godfather:
"We've spent millions of dollars creating a movie that is just as good, if not better than the first. We've been more creative making a sequel than any other filmmakers in history. Now all that's left after these many months of hard work is the title. What should we call it, gentlemen? The Godfather...Returns? The Godfather...Strikes Back? The Godfather...Supremacy? The God...mother?"
"Those are all valid ideas, sir, but I think I've got the best one yet. How about we name it The Godfather...2?"
"Wow, that's genius!"
That kind of lack of creativity makes me puke. It's such an important task and so easy to not fuck up, but these morons insist on sticking their thumbs up their asses. Here's what I would have done with other sequels:
Original sequel title ----> New sequel title
Mission Impossible 2 ----> Mission Impossibler
Shrek 2 ----> Shrek 1: Part 2
2 Fast 2 Furious ----> Save Your Money
======================================================
Stoners need to fucking die.
Actually, let me rephrase that: if you're a stoner and you shape your life around pot, you need to fucking die. I don't mind if you smoke, I really don't. It's every person's right to "achieve inner peace" (or whatever you fuckheads call it), but don't cram your lifestyle down my throat.
I used to like Bob Marley until stoners came along and said:
"Dude! Bob Marley like...smoked...and like...wrote MUSIC! What a visionary..."
Bob Marley made good music, but when you start worshipping a guy because he smoked and wasn't afraid to tell everyone about it, you're a moron.
Oh wait, hold on. How could I possibly have an opinion about anything without smoking pot or doing other drugs?
"Whoa man. Like...you normally use only 9% of your brain for like...stuff...but when you do this you use...like...10%...so it's like you open your mind, man."
The next time someone says that to me, I'll open their mind with a potato sack filled with steel bongs. I don't think anybody knows whether it is a good or a bad thing to use an extra percentage point of your mind, but judging by the awesome memories and quick-mindedness of stoners, I'm guessing it's not so great after all.
======================================================
The guy who invented the car alarm that goes...
"Weeeeee ooooooooooooooooo, weeeeeee ooooooooooooooooo, BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP, oooooooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, ooooooooooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeeeee, oooooooooooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, wah-oh-wah-oh-wah-oh-wah-oh, Doooooooooooooooooooooo-up, Dooooooooooooooooooooooo-up, EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH"
...and then made it so could go off at 5 in the morning, needs to get sniped in the foot from 100 yards with an Ebola-tipped bullet.
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I would like to know what sadistic asshole decided to make people think it's healthy to get wasted.
Low-carb beer? Low-calorie vodka? As much as I love it, alcohol is horrible for you. It's supposed to do bad things to your body so you know when to stop killing your brain. For thousands of years, humans have been able to use the inverse gut:brain-cells ratio to determine when to stop drinking. When the gut grows, the brain goes. But, hey, if there's money to be made, I'll jump on the bandwagon. Check out my new product:
Fat-free cyanide! Lose the weight AND your worries!
======================================================
I like the way the National Geographic Channel and the Discovery Channel draw the most asinine conclusions from simple scientific data.
"We found this skeleton in a cave near Berlin, Germany. Through carbon-dating tests, we have determined that he lived sometime around 3,000 B.C. and he was out hunting after banging his wife no less than three times. He had just slaughtered fifteen bears with his reputation when he got caught in a time-warp to August 23, 1942 and was killed by Hitler and time-warped back to this very spot. Fascinating."
One time I saw a show dedicated entirely to the investigation of how a caveman died near the summit of a mountain in the Alps.
"Many scholars say he died in a freak storm here at 15,000 feet, while others say he fell into a crevasse. However, I have come here all the way from the other side of the world to test my theory that this caveman was actually murdered."
DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNN. I can see the headlines now:
User Reviews
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2006-09-12 17:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-04-17 00:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Poor guy. Off the MVA
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2005-04-10 20:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now that's a rant!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-02 16:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rad1101.at.gmail.com
call me
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-29 16:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrew_ball (user info) at 2005-03-26 08:48:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I mean...let's not funnel this not beer. Let's say my left hand is the beer and my right hand is me. My right hand would say to my left hand, 'you's a bitch!'"
Brilliant.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2005-03-24 21:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-24 10:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read that reply: http://www.ubersite.com/m/55954#1056316
Thank you for the laugh.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2005-03-10 14:53:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Top drawer
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-04 16:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-03-04 09:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:57:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThineJericho (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:22:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe .. long read, but worth it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:03:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God I hate that car alarm.
Submitted by tidalfae (user info) at 2005-03-03 16:42:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy who invented the car alarm that goes...
"Weeeeee ooooooooooooooooo, weeeeeee ooooooooooooooooo, BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP, oooooooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, ooooooooooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeeeee, oooooooooooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, wah-oh-wah-oh-wah-oh-wah-oh, Doooooooooooooooooooooo-up, Dooooooooooooooooooooooo-up, EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH"
---
best car sound EVAR!!!
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:35:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAHHHAAAHAAHAAAHAAAHAAHAAAHAAAHAHAA
John Stamos!!! AWESOME! I almost choked on my Hershey's Kiss. Sholy Hit.
Day of Waiting and Wondering Ends With Word From President: Successfulable.
"This post was very successfulable." --GW Bush, New York Times Mar 30, 2003
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very Nice!
Hitler Didn't do it; we can blame him for the murder of one less now! Nicely done.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-03-03 02:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brillant!!
Submitted by lush (user info) at 2005-03-03 02:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the little secitons!
I really DO get distracted during long posts...
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-03 01:08:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Deserves Most Heated.
Hell, this deserves Most Viewed.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-03-03 00:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
glad to see you're back posting quality stuff. keep it up.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-02 22:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was only going to be a +1 until you got to that car alarm part. Fucking ridiculous car alarm.
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-03-02 20:51:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-02 20:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just cause I love my niggas, (Ruff Ryders)
I shed blood for my niggas. (Ryde or die)
Let a nigga holla, "Where my niggas?" (Get down or lay down)
All I wanna hear is, "Right here my niggas."
(We here nigga)
You won't take this from me baby!
You will not take this from me baby!
Ya know grrrrr
My niggas some niggas that you don't wanna try
My niggas some niggas that's really do or die
My niggas will have you cowards ready to cry
My niggas will fry my niggas will rob
My niggas keep niggas on they fuckin' job
My niggas know what it's like when shit gettin' hard
My niggas stay pullin' you other niggas cards
My niggas It's God my niggas we'll shine
My niggas just knew it was a matter of time
My niggas let me know to keep fuckin' with the rhymes
My niggas ain't no longer livin' with crime
My niggas is fine my niggas is good
My niggas keep you niggas knocking on wood
My niggas know how to take it back to the hood
My niggas will put you down right where you stood
My niggas they could my niggas they will
My niggas take you straight to the back & get ill
My niggas give it straight to the bank when we kill
My niggas put niggas on ice til they chill
My niggas is still my niggas is dogs my niggas
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-03-02 19:55:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Very nicely done.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-03-02 19:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is it me or is this painfully incoherent?
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-03-02 19:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Come on, SOMEone has to be impressed with the subtle jokes in the newspaper picture.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-03-02 19:30:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure hatred and rage toward everything.
I love it.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So Angry.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:45:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality.
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:29:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeh, I'm guessing that's one of those across-the-board things. I wrote it in at five in the morning a little while ago when a fucking car alarm woke me up.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought you had plagiarized on www.negativepositive.org (DOOM section) but realized it was not the same when I checked it...therefore just a coincidence:
My neighbor's car alarm.
WeeoooWeeoooWeeooo HONK HONK HONK HONK DEE DOOO DEE DOOO AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA oooooOOOOOO oooooooOOOOOO EEE EEE EEE EEE WEEoooWEEoooWEEoooWEEooo DEEEoooooooDEEEoooooooDEEEoooooooDEEEooooooo
It's so effective too. I bet when I smash his windshield with a pick axe later today he won't even check it since it will just sound exactly the same way it does 500 times a day when the bus goes by. """
I guess we all can't stand it. Yay for Ebola! :)
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Estimated time until this is turned into an email forward...10...9...8...
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:04:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit yeh why cant the world get with the program?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well where the fuck have you been lately?
Submitted by partisan (user info) at 2005-03-02 18:01:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Flugel beads
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:33:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make with the funny in real life, or just textually? Two different arts
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I concur on the car alarm...I stopped reading to take a minute to imagine the most annoying car alarm in the world. Then I started reading and it matched up almost perfectly.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:26:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
And by +2 I meant 0. I haven't posted in so long, I forgot how to rate my own posts.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Christ. Plus 2.
I'm calling it:
Most Reviewed
Most Heated
B@W
And Just above Big Mike on MVA.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. Yes I did.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You use the é, I feel so useful.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jeezus, andy rooney, chill the fuck out
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
I cried.
You rock.
I am going to the store because you made me crave Lucky Charms.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:09:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that was good hate
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-02 17:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holeeeeeeeeee shit that was funny.
I'd pick a part to cut and paste, but I wouldn't know where to stop.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The movie titles.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:47:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy who invented the car alarm that goes...
"Weeeeee ooooooooooooooooo, weeeeeee ooooooooooooooooo, BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP, oooooooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, ooooooooooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeeeee, oooooooooooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, wah-oh-wah-oh-wah-oh-wah-oh, Doooooooooooooooooooooo-up, Dooooooooooooooooooooooo-up, EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH"
...and then made it so could go off at 5 in the morning, needs to get sniped in the foot from 100 yards with an Ebola-tipped bullet.
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how can you get the car alarm sound so exact? you, my gay friend, kick unheard amounts of gay ass.
fucking sweet
Submitted by aceyloulou (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love ur observations! Write more!
Submitted by SPG (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fat-free cyanide! Lose the weight AND your worries!
buahaha
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:18:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Discovery and Learning Channels now have shows that are nothing but guys who work on motorcycles, forensic science, and home improvement crap. In the rare event that they do run an original documentary, it's always the most over-dramatized piece of garbage based on the flimsiest of hypotheses. Examples include (as you mentioned) the "murder" of Otzi the iceman, and "Nefertiti Resurrected."
You need to post more often, chief.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch.
It's too much information . . . can't . . . process . . . all the . . . hate. Going . . . to . . .
<head explodes>
Ahhhhh. Much better.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're kind of an angry dude. I respect that.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:12:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're about as angry as I am right now.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok, but a girl I'm chasing these days tells me I'm "crazy" in a way that I kind of like.....
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The next time someone says that to me, I'll open their mind with a potato sack filled with steel bongs."
I literally burst out laughing when I read this.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:06:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was digging the alarm sounds.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:05:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes!
Submitted by Soul-Fly (user info) at 2005-03-02 16:03:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice... I actually approve of this message
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG
SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY
I AM SOFA KING WEE TODD DID
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:58:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just like last time, if you have a problem with ADD you can't read the whole thing, each little section stands alone.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-02 15:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
please can i be the first to rate?
okay let me read it now