The Wiggle Hour Blues (1624 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.9 on 84 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-03-03 07:04:00 EST
Six fucking years, it's been. SIX YEARS.
And I thought it was over. I thought it was done. I breathed a big fucking sigh of relief and put it behind us. Time to move on, I thought. Time to move ahead in our lives. This has been hell, but it's over now.
But God, my dear dear friends, hates. My. Fucking. Guts.
Six years and glory be, it's come full circle.
There was a long, hot summer when The Boy was two and we lived out in that little red dirt mining town in the desert. Three months of heat and sweat, chlorine and cordial, air conditioning and sunscreen and the scent of those fucking icy poles that stained his lips red or orange or green, and the Wiggles. Always the Wiggles. Eight times a freaking day, the Wiggles. He didn't even have to be WATCHING it but it had to be on because if it wasn't my life wasn't worth living. If he couldn't hear "Toot toot chugga chugga big red car" from the other end of the house AT ALL TIMES he would come running at me, cannon ball his stocky little toddler body at my legs, and holler until I put that damned video in.
"But Circe, that's bad parenting! Why do you just give in to him like that?" Same fucking reason that when he lost his frog, I bought him a tank full of tropical fish. He's cute, smarter than me, has emotional blackmail skillz you wouldn't believe and these big brown eyes that fill with tears and just bore into my dark little soul. Long story short, he's cute and I'm weak.
Now we have the twins, aka the demonic bookends, aka Genna and Cadie, aka Omar and Shariff. This has been a long, hot summer. We came back from the pool the other day, and even though we no longer live in the desert, I got that awful sense of Time doubled over, pointing at me, and laughing its ass off.
I put the twins in the lounge and went to get them an icy pole. I walked back in and everything stopped.
The scent of chlorine, sunscreen, icy poles, the aircon running, and you get one motherfucking guess, bitches, just ONE, as to what was on the TV.
"Dorothy! Dorothy! Dorothy the dinosaur!
Romp-omp-a-chomp, romp-omp-a-chomp"
And god help me, Cadie was smiling.
Jesus save me, Genna was dancing.
Mother Mary be my guide, they were both glued to the screen.
And the Holy Spirit shelter me from two pairs of big brown eyes that fixed on me, and filled with tears when I tried to turn the TV off.
I'm fucking doomed.
Roll on, because I gots dem old cosmic Wiggle Hour blues all over again.
User Reviews
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-24 10:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, it's extremely disturbing that those are grown men.
The octopus in the plaid skirt and the patent leather shoes
isn't doing anything for my peace of mind either.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually hat to work at a wiggles show a few months ago. Five shows. It took me weeks of heavy drinking to get those songs out of my head.
And you've brought them all flooding back. Damn you.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-03-08 23:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea, so now that I'm rating again, I thought I'd drop by and +2 this post I read during my hiatus.
Submitted by urbaneruralite (user info) at 2005-03-07 00:20:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sucker
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-03-06 23:54:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this show looks absolutely amazing, and by amazing I mean horrificly gay.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-03-05 18:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i hear you
i actually went to a wiggles concert, one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life
fortunately isaac now prefers high five. the music is equally grating, but at least kathleen provides wank relief (isaac is so glued to the tv he never notices what i'm up to in the background)
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-05 17:58:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the only thing i know about the wiggles is that they once made a guest appearance on neighbours. i remember everyone being baffled. guess they are an australian thing.
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-03-04 18:45:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now we have the twins, aka the demonic bookends, aka Genna and Cadie, aka Omar
----
Yay!
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-03-04 17:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh dear. Good luck.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-04 16:32:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Postman Pat, Postman Pat,
Postman Pat an' 'is black and white cat.
Early in the morning,
As the sun is dawning,
Pat says 'is a very 'appy man."
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-03-04 10:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob the Builder. It's gotta be.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-04 08:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-04 08:07:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-03 17:36:00 (#)
Ranking: 1
Yank on my Wiggle stick.
I can't give a +2 to anything that has ANYTHING to do with those limey homos.
They irritate me"""
They are convicts not limeys.
Big nose.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-03-04 00:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IT NEVER ENDS.
Nico: Age 3
Christos: Age 5
Jaquelyn: Age 7
I've been through years of The Wiggles. Fruit Salad. Yummy Yummy. It's gotten to the point where I find myself singing all of their songs. Especially the one where Dorothy the Dinosaur loves her roses. And the one with the tranny Brit cop who dances around while crossing the street. When asking Chris what kind of car I should get, he tells me, "The Big Red Car." Of course.
Teletubbies: I'm not even going to think about this era for fear I will mind-talk with the sleeping babes and they will wake up tomorrow morning demanding Teletubbies videos, which I have carefully hidden in the fireplace.
Dora the Explorer: This one hasn't totally ticked me off yet. At least I know the kids are learning something. The three year old is speaking Spanish, so I can't really hate it too too much. "Vowee, comostaaaaaaaa?"
Lazy Town: I don't get it, and the puppets really freak me out.
Hilary Duff: J is into this one now. Her room is Hilary Duff. Her cd's are all Hilary Duff. Videogames Hilary Duff. Folders. Pencils. Backpacks. Socks. Undies. Wallpaper. Linens. Comforter. Doll clothes. Movies. Hair ties. Books. This slag has infiltrated my niece's mind, and the only thing I can do to stop it is try and distract her with shiny things and cookies.
Blues Clues: Let's just say... I try and not be around when they're watching it. It should probably bother me more than it does... but my anger is too caught up in the next show:
Barney: GOD HELP US ALL I KNOW EVERYONE HATES HIM BUT I REALLY JUST CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE THE ACTORS ARE ALL JUST UNDERDEVELOPED 20 YEAR OLDS AND THERES JUST SO MUCH LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP I CANT TAKE IT.
And finally................
Spiderman 1. Christos thinks he is Spiderman. In the past 6 months, he's gone through 4 Spiderman full body costumes, the ones with the fake muscles in the arms. I now know every word and every line in the movie. I didn't like the movie the first time (although the second was much better), and I most certaintly don't like it now, after about 23487614785 sober viewings of it.
I love those kids.
Sorry this was really long, but I needed to get out the fury.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-03 17:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yank on my Wiggle stick.
I can't give a +2 to anything that has ANYTHING to do with those limey homos.
They irritate me.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-03 17:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This makes me long for the days of quality teevee, like the Teletubbies...
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-03 15:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know exactly how you feel...my daughter loved that silly show for about a year. We even had to listen to the Wiggles music on cd in the fuckin' car!
I thank God every day that she finally grew out of that stage.
The wiggles are one of the main reasons my wife and I won't have any more children.
Well, them and that bastard Barney.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-03-03 13:51:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am currently thanking the little baby Jeebus that I have never heard of the show that you are talking about, and that after this point in time, I never will again.
Mostly because I'm about to put out my eyes and stab myself in the ears to prevent such an occurence.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-03 13:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*shudder*
This is why I masturbate three times before my wife gets home. If by "trying to have a baby" you mean I'm actively not not trying to have a baby, then you are most likely incorrect. And yes, I typed that sentece correctly. You figure out what I meant.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-03 13:05:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
at least it's not a big fucking annoying purple dinosaur singin about how much he loves he loves you
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh no
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:54:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:46:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:19:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
And children's TV just keeps getting worse.. Case in point: Boobah.
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Oh man. Don't even get me started. That show scares the shit out of me.
Seriously: http://pbskids.org/boohbah/boohbah.html
If you can me WHAT THE FUCK THIS SHOW IS ABOUT, I'll love you forever. In the mean time I'm convinced it's an attempt to brainwash the entire world. I can actually feel my IQ drop while I watch it. And I'm pretty sure if they ever did talk and issue a command, I'd have no choice but to obey.
___________________
Oh my GOD what the fuck are those???
I'm never going to complain about the Wiggles again, just keep those fucking things away from me.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:19:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
And children's TV just keeps getting worse.. Case in point: Boobah.
----------
Oh man. Don't even get me started. That show scares the shit out of me.
Seriously: http://pbskids.org/boohbah/boohbah.html
If you can me WHAT THE FUCK THIS SHOW IS ABOUT, I'll love you forever. In the mean time I'm convinced it's an attempt to brainwash the entire world. I can actually feel my IQ drop while I watch it. And I'm pretty sure if they ever did talk and issue a command, I'd have no choice but to obey.
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:44:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAaaahahahahahhahahahahhabwaahahahahhahahahah*gasp*
chortle
snort
someone say something witty while I go blow my nose.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:40:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to feel your pain.
I'm taking my daughter to see them when they come through in June.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:32:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Teephphah - oh you utter utter wanky bastard.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to finish reading the reviews...but I started to become jealous of your popularity
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:24:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goodbyyyyyye, goodbye, my friends goodbye.
'Cuz now our time is through-hoooo-hoooo.
The moon. The bear. And the big blue house
Will be waiting for you to come and play (come and play).
Suffer now, as that song plays in an endless loop in your head, ALL DAY LONG.
MWUH-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And children's TV just keeps getting worse.. Case in point: Boobah.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:10:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:06:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever dress up like a Wiggle? Or Dorothy the Dinosaur? I have. Come over to my place. We do bouncy bouncy.
===========================================
be afraid...be very afraid.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:25:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You better pray that they don't discover Power Rangers. That is some annoying shit.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever dress up like a Wiggle? Or Dorothy the Dinosaur? I have. Come over to my place. We do bouncy bouncy.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:50:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My kid is only going to watch sports and news. Real things. None of this Wiggles/Sesame Street/Blues Clues shit.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:47:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Wiggles = Richard Simmons + NKOTB
My boy actually told me at age six, "Dad, They're gay."
"You didn't think so three years ago."
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the wiggles. *Bats big brown eyes*
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:05:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:01:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to read your stuff but these days your just so fucking mainstream like.
you're such a sellout.
_____________
Bullshit. No-one used to read my stuff. """""
LET#S EXAMINE THAT SHOULD WE LITTLE MISS 43 AVERAGE REVIEWS!!!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:15:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Children's television is the most fucked up thing in the world.
And the most annoying.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:14:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The picture = Herbie meets Star Trek?
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, you know what my kid likes? That one kids' show based on that Shirley Jackson story, where they pick random cute little tykes out of the audience and sacrifice them. What's it called... Telotterytubbies.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:05:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:01:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to read your stuff but these days your just so fucking mainstream like.
you're such a sellout.
_____________
Bullshit. No-one used to read my stuff.
WOO FOR SELLING OUT!!!
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-03-03 09:01:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to read your stuff but these days your just so fucking mainstream like.
you're such a sellout.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:59:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You have an imaginary friend called 'John'... John?
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:58:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Make them watch Hi-5 instead. It's on 3:30pm channel 9. Don't ask how I know that. Also don't ask how I know this weeks song....
That's why, I say, I love you everyday and, That's why, I say, I love I love I love you, everyday........
Oh god help me....
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The other day my friend John and I were discussing this show. And we're pretty sure if anyone ever figures out what Jeff's ethnicity actually is, they're all gonna be pissed off that he's so fucking lazy. I can't help but picture the ACLU battle in court when they do the US version with the lazy, sleeping Mexican.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:47:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad for a bird.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:46:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
... and Bart's such a terrific role-model..
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:41:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just give them the Simpsons. It's way better than kids TV.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:25:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Danger Ranger - oh dear.
Thank you for punishing me, to show me the error of my "making nice with anyone and everyone" ways.
-------------------------------------------------------------
It hurt me more than it hurt you.
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
encountered more than one? i OWN more than one
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Danger Ranger - oh dear.
Thank you for punishing me, to show me the error of my "making nice with anyone and everyone" ways.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is for General Custer, and the chapstick, and the ice lollies.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:22:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never seen the show, and after seeing this picture I'm very glad I haven't.
God that's scary. Any reference to a group of men named "The Wiggles" instantly makes me flaccid.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why my kids won't know what television is until they're 12.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:19:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, you'll love Ebola - he's got a lot to say..
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58924
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:14:24 (#)
Ranking: -1
that's a pedomobile if i've ever encountered one
__________
I'm sure you've encountered more than one.
____
Ebola - do you have AIM? I wish to hear you criticize my country some more.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those queers really give Crocodile Dundee a shiner, you know. At first I thought those freaks were English. Them being Australian should make you hang your collective national head in shame and horror.
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:14:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
that's a pedomobile if i've ever encountered one
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, lojope - where are you from?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:01:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:54:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
GOD NO
Hi-5 are SO banned in my house. They make me cringe
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'Cept for Charlie - Nathan is ATTN: GHEY MENZ! Stupid fucking bear.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 08:00:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
Poor lojope.
"Henry the octopus, lives down in the deep blue sea
Henry the octopus, he's a friend to you and me"
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yummy yummy yummy yummy fruit salAAAD!
My room in hell must be next door to yours......
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:54:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
They're also psycho for The Bear in the Big Blue House.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:54:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
GOD NO
Hi-5 are SO banned in my house. They make me cringe.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:53:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:49:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wiggles? Glad I've never heard of them. They sound like some kind of evil cult. At least it isn't Barney...Barney is the devil.
----------------------------------
Yeah, you got a point. Although he IS slightly less evil than those fucking sickening tosspot kids he hangs with.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:51:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Falling asleep means 'yes'.
The cruel irony is that you probably listened to the Cockroaches... :)
I'd LOVE to be one of those rich-arsed Wiggles... all those yummmy-mummies... *sigh*
If it's any consolation, at least they're not watching hi-5.... they're not, are they? SATAN SPAWN!! - although that Charlie's up for it - too right.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wiggles? Glad I've never heard of them. They sound like some kind of evil cult. At least it isn't Barney...Barney is the devil.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ice lolly.
Don't get caught in their yank-talking trap!
MSN me. I want to cyber.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:40:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If I knew that, do you think I'd have three of them?
I just kept falling asleep.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um, you know how babies are made, right?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's the problem, dude; for six sweet years, I WAS there. But now there's these two little satan spawned short people who've found a whole new way to fuck up their Mum.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wanna download some MP3's?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:35:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED!!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, my boys, 6 and 7, don't even remember them. That fscking Wally movie, not a clue. They give me that WTF look whenever I mention them... you'll get there.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Danger Ranger:
Please stop it, please, please, please, because I find myself singing "hush a bye your bear" in the fucking shower and I am oh so close to just ending it all right the fuck now.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:31:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wake up Jeff!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:31:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love reading your stories and hearing about your children.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Captain Feathersword - ahoy!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgive me, I know only of one pole that stains things. And I wouldn't want it near children.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:29:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Romp up a Stomp.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
YES!
Popsicle.
I tend to Americanize most of my posts, just because of the audience, but I didn't know what you call those.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:18:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make parenthood sound like what I always suspected it would be. Pure fucking hell.
Stay strong, princess.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-03-03 07:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if an icy pole is a popsicle, then +2. If its not, I'm confused!