Strange Men Who Have Tried To Get Into My Pants: Episode II – The Silver Dragon (3958 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.98 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Pentameter (View user info) at 2005-03-03 09:56:34 EST
I've met a lot of fucked up people in my twenty-five years of life. Most of these people I met in college, and most of them disappeared from my life not long after graduation. Thankfully, John was one of them.
John was an interesting fellow. He was short and thick through his midsection, he parted his hair down the middle and wore wire framed glasses. His wardrobe consisted of flannel shirts, t-shirts, faded black jeans and flannel shirts. On campus, he was the resident anime freak, and would often be heard trying to start a "Sub not dub!" chant in the courtyard.
He was in most of my English classes and we worked in the tutoring lab together. At first, he seemed like the stereotypical misunderstood English major. Basically, he was an unstylish Emo kid who was obsessed with video games, knives and fucking up the campus' computer network.
Somehow, I got placed in a group with him in one of our courses. I reluctantly gave him my email address, and soon after, my inbox was flooded with forwarded emails and updates about our project. He suggested that we use AIM so that we could talk about the assignment easier. After a lot of convincing on his part, I gave him my screen name.
The messages moved from the group work to more personal matters. I became his shoulder to cry on, and I didn't really mind. He didn't bother much with me at school because I was only there for classes and didn't hang around the campus after I was finished.
Then he told me that he liked me, and that there were things he wanted...no....needed to tell me. I told him that I had a boyfriend, which was true, and that I was flattered but that there was no way anything was ever going to happen between us. He said that he understood, but there was something I had to know. At that point, he failed to tell me what it was.
It was a Saturday morning. I opened my inbox to find an email from him titled, "The things I need to get off my chest."
I clicked on it. He explained that he was five thousand years old and that his true form was that of a regal silver dragon. He had sex with his cousin because she was his soulmate and that they had been together in their previous lives. His aunt and uncle had a restraining order placed against him. He couldn't sleep because in his dreams, a shapeshifting werewolf tackled his wife (his cousin) and killed her, and if the werewolf touched him in the dream, he would die and would not be able to protect the earth as he was called to do by the gods. The last line read, "IF U TELL NE1 I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!11"
I decided I should believe him, about the killing me part, that is. But seriously, did he think I wouldn't tell anyone? This was too good not to tell my friends about. I ended up telling only one person, my best friend Jaime.
When he told me he couldn't go somewhere because he didn't have a car, I would silently laugh to myself and think, "Why don't you just fly there?" In class, when he decided to go into his drive on the server and use some images for an assignment, I spotted some pictures of silver dragons. Again, I laughed and thought, "Are those your senior pictures from high school?"
One day, I walked into the office of the tutoring lab. He was sitting behind the desk carving the flesh off of his hands with a knife.
"Is something wrong?" I asked, trying to hide my disgust and concern for my safety.
"No."
"Where did you get that knife?" I asked.
"At the Renaissance Faire," he stated coolly.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm just peeling off some dry skin," he said casually, drawing some blood.
I sat down at one of the two computers in the office, signed onto AIM, and started working on one of my papers. A few moments later, my friend Jaime walked in and sat at the other computer.
I received an IM. The conversation went something like this:
Jaime: OMG like WTF is he doing?
Pentameter: I'm clueless. He's a fucking freak!
Jaime: Maybe he should just fly away!
Pentameter: HAHAHAHA! He should fly into the sun and become engulfed in flames.
Jaime: Oh fuck...we can't laugh at the same time or else he'll know something's up.
Pentameter: Right on. Hey, I'm pretty tired. I'm "dragon" my ass.
Jaime: Fuck you! Don't make me laugh.
Pentameter: I'm going to fuck my cousin. He's my soulmate.
Jaime: Yeah, watch out for those shapeshifters. They're...shifty.
Pentameter: Fuck! Stop laughing so that I can.
Jaime: Gimme a second.
Pentameter: You know, after 5000 years of life I still can't come up with a thesis statement?
Jaime: Last night I burped and I burned Dan's face.
Pentameter: Oh God! I have to sign off before I pee my pants!
Right after I signed off, a few students came into the lab for tutoring. Our unspoken rule was that if anyone was working on an assignment for class, the people who were fucking around tutored the students.
A girl came into the office and asked, "Do you guys work here?"
Dead silence. Finally, I answered with a "yes."
"Can you help me with my paper?"
"Um, he will," I said as I pointed to him.
After he shot a thousand tiny knives at me with his super dragon skills, he reluctantly stood up and tutored the girl, who I felt very sorry for. Jaime took the next person who came in, and then naturally, it was my turn if someone else happened to stop by for help.
John finished filling out the required paperwork and took his place behind the desk as I continued diligently working on my assignment.
Then he decided to start "talking to himself."
"It would be nice if SOME people around here would do SOME work."
"Boy, it would be really great if I could use a computer so that I could get MY work done."
"Wow, it must be awesome to get paid to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!"
I promised myself when he started that I wouldn't break down and tell him to go and fuck himself with a cucumber. When he bitched, I sat there and typed away, trying not to pay attention to one word he said.
"If Dr. Miller doesn't bring me the rest of the things she wants me to fill out, I'm going to perform an abortion on her with a rusty coat hanger myself."
What. The. Fuck. I probably wouldn't have been so upset if I didn't think he was being completely serious.
"John, what did you just say?" I asked.
"I'm sure you heard what I said, or were you too involved in your 'work?'"
"Listen, dick. There's just some shit that isn't funny. What you said is not funny. At all."
"Whatever, cunt."
"If I were you, I wouldn't shoot my mouth off too much. You might burn the place down, if you know what I mean," I said.
After that, it was a brutal torrent of cursing and screaming. The words, "fuck," "cunt," "dick," and "whore" were said no less than three thousand times each. Poor Jaime just stood there, unable to say anything. We were so loud that the priest in the office next door came over to see what was going on. After I explained to him that it started with a comment that was made, he asked me what it was that made me so upset.
"I really don't feel like repeating it," I said.
"Is it that bad?" he asked.
"It's just something I don't want to repeat."
"I see."
Basically, the priest threw him out and told us that he was going to see Dr. Miller about him during the week. As I walked back over to the computer, I started flapping my arms up and down. We both started to cry with laughter.
Jaime looked at me with tears in her eyes, and said, "I guess that made his whole day go up in flames."
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-25 15:07:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:01:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You must tell me where you last saw the Silver Dragon. It has been my mission in life to hunt down the last of his kind and destroy him. For you see, I am Ultimosotrous, the Dragoon. All others must perish in my fiery sword of pain and pestilence
________________________
Bwaaahh haaaa haaaaa!
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 09:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, great, i went to school with a kid that had 11 years of siberian assasin training and had an alternate transformation in which flipped out and killed people. i spent three years trying to piss him off so i could see him transform... bastard never did.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-23 13:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
quite not terribly un-disfunny.
i liked it.
im me: timdwpi
Submitted by purringbubbles (user info) at 2005-03-08 20:03:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would give you a +7, one plus for each of those guys I knew in high school. One of them was the best. He's a wizard, and he stole my soul twice, but gave it back because he felt sorry for me and my mortal attachment to it.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-03-08 19:49:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your work is phenomenal, as always.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you could pass legislation allowing women to conceal and carry with no license or firearms permit if you could just convince the courts that people like this exist.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-03-08 09:42:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
w00
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-03-07 20:25:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pwesome
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-03-03 22:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What in the Blue Hell is it about you that attracts these freakshows? Scientists should study you so they can reverse engineer a loser magnet. First Oswald Cobblepot, now fuckin' Ranma or whatever? I think it must be your ring of +5 charisma. If he's still pestering you, let me know. I know a guy who can get a Pendant of Dragons Bane.
(Sub not dub indeed...I got that too.)
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-03 20:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-03 19:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SUB-NOT-DUB!
SUB-NOT-DUB!
The AIM conversation made me chuckle.
Submitted by aaron (user info) at 2005-03-03 18:14:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-03-03 17:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-03 17:18:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These are so great!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-03 17:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok so cross being a dragon off my list to get into a girls pants.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-03-03 16:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DRAGONS. rusty coat hangars make me guffaw as well. I'm probably one of few that got the "subs not dubs" joke.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-03 15:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I don't watch Anime.
I know that I am the TRUE Silver Dragon.
Fear my wrath.
-Dave
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-03 15:14:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are in luck! For you see, I am an immortal knight of the round table, and I will assist you in vanquishing the dragon!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-03 14:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by lizzard (user info) at 2005-03-03 14:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the guy who own's Loblaw's (in canada... is there an american Loblaw's??) has the best anme ever
Robert Loblaw
Bob Loblaw
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-03 14:28:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-03-03 14:18:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
-----------------------------
I know I said this before but...
your name sounds like blahblahblah. please tell me that is your real name.
because that would be cool.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-03-03 14:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:10:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
You know that I was a liger in my last life right?
--------------
Really, thats pretty much my favorite animal
Submitted by tidalfae (user info) at 2005-03-03 14:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and i thought i had weird stalkers...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-03-03 14:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a ha ha ha
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-03-03 13:50:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell me wat'chu really wanna do (Come here ma)
Talk to a nigga, talk with me
You look like you could really give it to a nigga,
from the way you talk and the way ya try to walk for me
The way you really try to put it on a dawg
Threw ya hips like ya never did before for me
The way you break yo' back, and I break yo' neck,
and the way you try to put it on the floor for me
(Come on!) Come on (Come on!) Oh yeah
Tell me where my niggas is at (Ok!!)
Lemme address y'all niggas one time,
while I lock that down, and I hit'cha wit that (YOU GONE!)
That bomb shit, y'all niggas gone all day
Be the nigga in the drop,
Y'all niggas know every time I come through,
this motherfucker, where we always takin the ride
(So let me do this bitch)
Y'all niggas know when we come, we be makin it flop,
the way we makin it hot'll make a nigga wanna stop... [pause]
Get money, then cash that check for me
All my niggas just bust yo' tech for me
Everybody from every hood bang yo' head,
'til you break your motherfuckin neck for me!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-03-03 13:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:01:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
You must tell me where you last saw the Silver Dragon. It has been my mission in life to hunt down the last of his kind and destroy him. For you see, I am Ultimosotrous, the Dragoon. All others must perish in my firey sword of pain and pestulence
Donkey owes me a new monitor and keyboard to replace the ones I just spat coffee all over.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm....and when you get done with these, I'm guessing you'll go probing for hits by starting a new series. Maybe Stranger Men Who Have Gotten Into My Pants? Yippee.
And since I don't want to become the most hated person alive, I won't rate this as I feel I ought to.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jaime: Last night I burped and I burned Dan's face.
that made me pee a little.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
dont like made up stories.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:37:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEh, some guys eh? that should teach you to stay away from emo kids ;)
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by alwaysoutnumbered (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope you have more of these fucks to entertain us with.
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Freakin' hilarious!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:10:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:01:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
You must tell me where you last saw the Silver Dragon. It has been my mission in life to hunt down the last of his kind and destroy him. For you see, I am Ultimosotrous, the Dragoon. All others must perish in my firey sword of pain and pestulence
-----------
Funny as fuck - that goes for both the post and Donkey's review.
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-03 12:04:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh.My.
Submitted by Heather (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh dragons....
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:45:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, my tech art school had a bunch of those guys... Including my roomate at the time. Who was a regular SCA Rennaisance man, a psychic, had a world peace website, and had connections to the CIA and FBI.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:38:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Galgamesh the Destroyer is not pleased that you have ursurped his divine power!
You shall burn by the fire of a thousand suns!!
My +2 Vorpal Blade will smite thee with Holy Justice!
HUZZAH!!!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wanna go out on a date? I'm more like an iguana.
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2005-03-03 11:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Want to go on a date? I'm totally not a dragon.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
quite amusing, eye-popping and goldish...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mick - I don't remember how his teeth were exactly, but they couldn't have been that bad if I didn't notice.
As far as Shenanigans...seriously people, I'm creative, but there is just some shit you can't make up. Truth is stranger than fiction, indeed.
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:42:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I second (or third) the Shenanigans call. But whatever.....a fuckin silver dragon??!?!
nice. Your friend Jaime sounds awesome.......as do you.....yeah......good stuff.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how were his teeth?
Just curious as to how his teeth held up over 5k years of fire breathing and incest.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:23:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
some people....
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:06:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I call Shenanigans!
I mean, who wouldn't fuck a Silver Dragon if they had the chance?
----------------------------------------
Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa, what a freak.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This series rawks my face off.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:15:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:12:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:07:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
So, what is it about you that attracts the wierdo's?
--------------------------
I'm generally a nice person, even to people I really don't like. That's what usually gets me into trouble.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Yep, I can see how that could get you into trouble.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:07:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
So, what is it about you that attracts the wierdo's?
--------------------------
I'm generally a nice person, even to people I really don't like. That's what usually gets me into trouble.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:10:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know that I was a liger in my last life right?
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:07:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reptiles need love too.
So, what is it about you that attracts the wierdo's?
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:06:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I call Shenanigans!
I mean, who wouldn't fuck a Silver Dragon if they had the chance?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:04:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well doll, all I have to say is, it's about time you found yourself and normal guy. And by normal I mean, completely crazzy in the membrane.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That poor, poor fucking loser.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:01:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
You must tell me where you last saw the Silver Dragon. It has been my mission in life to hunt down the last of his kind and destroy him. For you see, I am Ultimosotrous, the Dragoon. All others must perish in my firey sword of pain and pestulence
--------
Ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-03 10:01:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You must tell me where you last saw the Silver Dragon. It has been my mission in life to hunt down the last of his kind and destroy him. For you see, I am Ultimosotrous, the Dragoon. All others must perish in my firey sword of pain and pestulence