Why You Shouldn't Let Me Watch Your Kids (4989 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.87 on 85 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2005-03-04 00:13:25 EST
Over the weekend, a few buddies of mine decided to take off to the casinos for a little gambling. One of the guys is the boss of my friend and happens to have two kids. Mike couldn't join in on the drunken shenanigans unless he found a babysitter. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have the money to go on a road trip.
Mike didn't have a wife to watch the kids, as she died 3 years earlier.
"No, I'm not watching kids on a Saturday night."
"C'mon Justin, please?!"
"I haven't stayed in on a Saturday since I was a kid. The answer's no."
"I'll give you 500 dollars."
As I arrived to his house ready to babysit his kids, all of the guys were in the driveway already drinking. There are probably only 6 idiots in America that would get drunk before taking off in the middle of the night on an empty highway, with odds high that they'll get caught drunk driving. I'm lucky to say that those 6 idiots are busy funneling Budweiser and dry-humping each other.
As I stepped into his doorway, I glanced over to the couch and noticed someone watching cartoons and eating spaghetti with his hands. Just great, my hands are going to be full.
"Hey Mike, start using a fork or spoon when you eat. Where are the kids?"
He jumped off the couch, wiping the spaghetti sauce on his white t-shirt.
"They're upstairs. I'll get them."
"Okay, I'l wait here."
Without missing a beat, he screams out. "Shitheads! Get down here!"
At that moment, I felt like I was in the movie Jumanji. It sounded like a heard of Rhyno were going to bust through the wall. Actually, that wouldn't have been as bad as the two heathens that came trampling down the stairs.
A 5 year old boy named Dallas and a 9 year old girl named Andrea.
Dallas was rocking Superman underoos. I'm ashamed to admit that I have some at home just like them.
What? The ladies love it when I wear them.
Okay, okay. One girl has enjoyed the fact that I wear them during love making. The rest walked out on me.
But not before complimenting my sweet ass underoos, though.
But I digress.
"Okay, these are the kids. I'm gone. Peace out, bitches!"
Yes, he actually cusses in front of his kids.
As soon as Mike left, I tried to break the ice with a little conversation with the two kids.
"So, how old are you, Andrea?"
She counted her fingers, then flashed 9 of them in the air. "This many."
"You're 9? Wow, you're getting grown up. You know, grownups don't say 'this many', they just state their age. All you had to say was that you were 9."
Dallas then broke in. "Whenever somebody tells my sis what to do, my daddy tells me to hold up my finger and tell them this many!"
He then proceeded to flip me off.
"Watch this!!". Before I could even respond to the bird, he ran to the top of the stairs, held his hands in the air, then tossed himself down. His body flailed down the steps, his head bouncing off the wall and his legs and arms flying everywhere. His body landed hard at the bottom, then he started screaming in pain.
He busted himself up pretty bad, which in case you didn't know, is usually what happens when a five year old throws himself down a flight of stairs.
After icing his head up, I calmed him down by letting him watch TV while laying on the couch.
"He does that all the time! He just wants to show off!", yelled Andrea.
"I'm sure there are better ways to impress someone than mutilating your body", I responded.
"He gets it from Jackass. Hey! Wanna watch me color? I'm pretty good!"
Andrea reached under the couch and pulled out her coloring book and crayons. Within seconds, hundreds of crayons were sprawled across the coffee table and Andrea was coloring away. At this point, the little suicidal boy decides to join in.
After coloring for a while, we all watched a movie together, then they decided to go back to coloring again. It was almost 4 am before I even realized it.
"Drawing contest!", yelled Dallas. "Whoever draws the best picture wins!"
"What does the winner get?", I inquired.
"To smell my feet!", Dallas then lifted his dirty foot to his nose and inhaled. "Oh man that stinks!"
Of course his foot stinks. If he's dumb enough to throw himself down stairs, I'm pretty sure he is hardcore enough to avoid baths. Or shoes for that matter.
I started working on my drawing on a white piece of paper. I used as many crayons as I could to bring out the best in my drawing. The prize isn't really my intention for winning. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure beating two kids in a coloring contest is worthy of smelling a 4 year old's feet, but I do it for the pure joy of competition.
"Okay, done!", I yelled.
"Me too!", screamed back Dallas. He looked up at me, a huge knot starting to form on his forehead.
"What'd you draw?", I asked.
"You first!"
"Okay, fine."
I held up a picture of a forest scene. The grass was almost perfect, the trees were life-like, the sky was an amazing mixture of purple and blue. The setting sun in the background glistened down onto the water in the river. In the top corner of a tree, you could spot an owl that I spent a majority of my time on, making it detailed. My picture was surely a winner.
"That's pretty good", he said. "Now here's MINE!"
He held up a picture of...
A circle with three dots in the middle. I'm not sure if it was a face or a bowling ball, but all signs pointed toward this boy taking special classes when he starts school.
"Well, looks like I win", I smirked.
"No way! Yours is just okay!"
"What? You spent three seconds on that!"
"I'm the judge and I say I win!"
I looked over at his sister, who was passed out asleep on the couch. I guess the final judging is between just Dallas and myself.
Dallas and I argued for several more minutes. I pointed out my detailed owl. He pointed out the dots.
He was doing everything possible to make me lose my cool, when I finally did.
"Your drawing is a piece of crap!", I screamed. I then covered my mouth.
Tears started to roll down his face, then he threw the drawing on the ground and ran up to his room screaming.
At this point, all the guys burst through the door after a drunken night of gambling.
"I'm home kids!", Mike screamed. "Where's Dallas?"
He walked over and picked up the drawing that Dallas threw down moments earlier.
"Aww, how cute. He drew another picture of his mom. God rest her soul."
"What? That's his mom? It looks like a bowling ball."
"He's four years old, what do you expect from him? When he draws a picture of his mom, this is always what he draws. A circle with three dots."
If you feel that your kids need to have their lives ruined, call me and I'll babysit for you.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-12 11:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius, why do so many fun things hapen to you??
NOT FAIR!!
Submitted by SkyLaR (user info) at 2005-07-08 11:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by baking_Lady (user info) at 2005-04-22 07:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-17 20:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, okay. One girl has enjoyed the fact that I wear them during love making. The rest walked out on me.
But not before complimenting my sweet ass underoos, though.""""
Masterful.
Submitted by standardeviant (user info) at 2005-03-13 11:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here,this should make up for the bitch.
Submitted by carolrichards (user info) at 2005-03-13 10:41:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
How come all your stories involve you sitting around with young children in a secluded location?
Submitted by Satansgotsyphillis (user info) at 2005-03-10 11:12:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well suprise suprise, another average comedic post from sideburns that doesnt make me laugh or smile but instead reflect on how much of a narcissist you must be based off of some of the comments i have read by you.
Submitted by fieldsr (user info) at 2005-03-07 18:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man...
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2005-03-06 23:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 fat ugly women, with you
You take them like a champ.
Submitted by MOssiah (user info) at 2005-03-06 21:54:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-03-06 21:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally something on this piece of shit website that isn't a piece of shit.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-03-06 16:40:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! I just used you as an example of how the formula works on the post right after you commented, you might find it interesting.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2005-03-06 16:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dislocated arm...a bump on the noggin...my diagnosis?
Bad babysitting!!
Submitted by aceyloulou (user info) at 2005-03-06 01:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
cute story...bad babysitter. Please don't have children. And tell ur friend to get another wife.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-03-05 20:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate kids like that. Actually I just hate kids. They smell, they're dirty, they have insane amounts of snot, they're stupid, they cry, and they talk. Oh and the whole diaper thing. I know it's horrible but I laughed so hard when I read the part about him flinging himself down the stairs.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-03-05 17:16:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by radiopie (user info) at 2005-03-05 16:51:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-05 04:29:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-03-05 04:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...because you'll molest them?
Heh.
Dude, you should've just let the kid win. I mean, kids need all the encouragement that they can get (unless it's the falling-down-the-stairs kind), especially at such a young age. That shit is key to children developing good social skills and confidence in the future.
But I'm going to have a vasectomy, so nuh.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61243
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-05 04:07:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-03-04 15:27:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
Proof that you can get to most heated without an attention whore post.
--
Good to see. I had it happen with 2 posts this last couple weeks. Nothing to this caliber though. Good post.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-04 21:13:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is ham-sandwich good.
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-03-04 21:05:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish you were MY babysitter.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-03-04 15:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-04 15:35:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock on!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-03-04 15:30:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna be giving you some cheese you bastard.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-03-04 15:29:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:45:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
A humorous example of how you've changed your style to fit the percieved notion of how you think ubersite views you now.
-------
Did I change my style? If so, not purposely.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-03-04 15:27:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Proof that you can get to most heated without an attention whore post.
Submitted by PeanutButterJellyTime (user info) at 2005-03-04 15:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
QUITE FUNNY... WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?
Submitted by maka697 (user info) at 2005-03-04 14:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you Sideburns. You made me crack up in the middle of class and now I have a week of detention for dicking around on the internet. But still hilarious.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-03-04 14:10:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sure you can babysit mine. Try that shit with him and he'll put you in your place.
He's a smartass like his momma.
;-)
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-03-04 13:32:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good old Sideburns. Back in action.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-03-04 12:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THAT was good.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-03-04 12:43:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-03-04 12:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
two dots for boobs and one for the bajiner
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-04 12:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:03:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it was more funny than sad, but I still feel sorry for that poor kid.
By the way, the Superman undies are awesome. Camwhore 'em, baby!
-----
oh god yes.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-04 08:06:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure this is the first post of yours I've read.
Very good
--------------------------------------------------------------
i pity you
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' rock! Will you babysit me?
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:24:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kids...always good for a laugh
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
automatic +2 cos its sidey
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-04 10:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funny
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-03-04 10:12:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Burns: Well, Simpson, I must say, once you're been through something
like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.
Homer: You said it, you weirdo.
Submitted by Dannie (user info) at 2005-03-04 09:57:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is awful. In that highly entertaining sort of way.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-04 08:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good story.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-04 08:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for reminding me to take my birth control pill.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-04 08:06:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure this is the first post of yours I've read.
Very good.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-04 07:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I less than three you.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-03-04 07:37:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fell down some stairs.
"fell down some stairs."
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-03-04 07:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-03-04 06:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
gold!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-04 06:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man that was fucking horrible, funny as fuck, but horrible.
Submitted by PlaguedByMurphy (user info) at 2005-03-04 06:11:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding, as usual!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-03-04 06:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-04 04:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wikkid.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-03-04 04:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehehee
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-03-04 04:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you see that kid again tell him that his mother is still living and breathing. Tell him she packed up and left after viewing the end result of his first finger painting session - Crap!
Submitted by hobbs (user info) at 2005-03-04 04:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheOnlyFactor (user info) at 2005-03-04 04:20:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
always a +2. you're my favorite on here. all good shit man.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-03-04 03:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I'll +2 it, but I'm prob going to get some shit for the content
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-04 03:49:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
alright, this was damn good
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-04 03:14:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the laugh I needed tonight.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-04 03:09:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahahahaha!
You sick fuck.
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-03-04 03:03:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by aaron (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:54:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course his foot stinks. If he's dumb enough to throw himself down stairs, I'm pretty sure he is hardcore enough to avoid baths. Or shoes for that matter.
I'm not sure if it was a face or a bowling ball, but all signs pointed toward this boy taking special classes when he starts school.
Those two lines are incredible. Good story too.
Submitted by grandturismo (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A humorous example of how you've changed your style to fit the percieved notion of how you think ubersite views you now.
Submitted by NC_SouthernGirl (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, I don't get my kicks trying to compete with kids in drawing contests. Still a good story though. I hate watching kids that I'm not related to....
Submitted by project_nessa (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:21:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahaha. I am shocked AND awed.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:10:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure I would fair any better than you did.
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:03:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it was more funny than sad, but I still feel sorry for that poor kid.
By the way, the Superman undies are awesome. Camwhore 'em, baby!
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-03-04 01:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to ask you. About the Penis Mightier. . .
Submitted by Demolocke (user info) at 2005-03-04 01:38:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+4 for the post... -2 for inspiring Chris Evans to join ubersite.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-03-04 01:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyable.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-04 01:06:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Note to self: Square root signs do NOT work on Uber.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-04 01:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+ √4
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-03-04 00:59:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-03-04 00:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ummmm marry me?
Submitted by Hatch (user info) at 2005-03-04 00:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
^5
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-03-04 00:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dallas was rocking Superman underoos. I'm ashamed to admit that I have some at home just like them.
What? The ladies love it when I wear them.
-----------
yes
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-03-04 00:42:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahhahahaha
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-03-04 00:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They said the same thing about Urkle; that little snot. Boy I'd like
to smack that kid.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart Gets Famous
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-03-04 00:34:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAH!! If I had kids I'd surely call you.
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-03-04 00:32:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AmyRose (user info) at 2005-03-04 00:20:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-03-04 00:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was good.