Dan Brown is nothing compared to Michael Jackson - A rant OR Dan Brown will write the same book over and over for whale cock (993 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Michael Jackson (View user info) at 2005-03-04 10:08:53 EST
If you have yet to read Dan Brown's "Da Vinci Code" or "Angels and Demons", then you'd best not read any further, as I am about to ruin it for you.
Love Michael
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About two weeks ago, I (Michael Jackson) finished reading Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code. This book had been forced down my throat by all my friends to the point that it had actually gotten annoying.
Every time Elizabeth Taylor, Uri Geller, Emmanuel Lewis or R. Kelly (No wait, he can't read) would come over, I'd be subjected to quotes or facts from this damb book.
"Michael, did you know Walt Disney was really a woman?" they'd say.
"Michael, did you know the Louvre is really a giant symbol of a peener?" they'd go on.
"Michael, did you know Leonardo Da Vinci was a GHEY MENZ?" they'd tell me.
Well enough Uber boys and girls! I was sick of hearing about this book, I went out and bought a copy. It's a pretty easy read; I finished it in about 3-4 days.
Now I knew before I started reading this book that most of Dan's facts are completely bull shit. Everyone also goes on about how it's such an addictive read, we Dan has this habit of writing chapters that are 1.5 to 2 pages long, and every chapter ends on a cliff hanger.
Take Chapter 342 for instance:
Begin Chapter 342
Robert eased his anus down on the cool plastic ring on the toilet. Elegantly he let the turds descend from his buttocks, while pondering agent symbology and how Da Vinci had managed to program his VCR, when clearly VCR technology wasn't around then.
He reached out for the toilet paper dispenser, but...
"Oh no!" Robert gasped, "No toilet paper!"
End Chapter
Now, in my opinion that's a pretty annoying writing style, but hey, whatever - I finished the book, marked it down as meh and went on with my Michael Jackson lifestyle.
I mean the puzzles are lame. The one page has a bunch of text written backwards, I figured that out in like 0.000001 seconds, but in the book it takes them hours.
Now every time one of my under educated celebrity friends brought up this book, I could slam it into the ground for being mindless Harry Potter bullshit.
But no Uberpals! They wouldn't let me get away with it. Now they tell me I must read the book before it, Angels and Demons, it's much better they say.
So being Michael Jackson, and having tons of cash and not having anything important to do all day, I went out and got the first book.
What can I say, uber boys and girls, I can't slam the book anymore, those of you who've read both will know what I mean when I say, it's the exact same fucking book with minor details changed.
And the puzzles are just as piss easy, even easier because if you compare it to his other book, you already know who the bad guy is.
What the fuck. Who agreed to publish this guy's shit? What it sold well the first time, so he changed a bunch of names in the story and republished it? This should seriously be illegal. Tomorrow I'm marching right back to that bookstore with both of them and demanding my money back.
Let Uncle Michael break it down for you:
A&D:
Chapter 1 starts off with a scientist being killed, as told from his perspective
DVC:
Chapter 1 starts off with a museum curator being killed, as told from his perspective
A&D:
Scientist has a hot daughter, who wants revenge
DVC:
Curator has a hot grand daughter, who wants revenge
A&D:
Bad guys = Illuminati
DVC:
Bad guys = Opus Dei
A&D:
Bad guy kills scientist by orders from mysterious master
DVC:
Bad guy kills curator by orders from mysterious master
A&D:
Book littered with Illuminati "facts"
DVC:
Book littered with Catholic "facts"
A&D:
Whole story takes place in one night
DVC:
Whole story takes place in one night
A&D:
Robert Langdon is called to the scene, teams up with daughter
DVC
Robert Langdon is called to the scene, teams up with grand daughter
A&D:
They hunt a canister of antimatter
DVC:
They hunt the Holy Grail
A&D:
They are aided by the Concierge
DVC:
They are aided by an old friend of Roberts
A&D
The Concierge turns out to be the mysterious master
DVC:
The old friend turns out to be the mysterious master
A&D
Robert gets his leg over with the daughter
DVC
Robert gets his leg over with the grand daughter
There are probably numerous other cases of similarities. But the nerve of this guy, this isn't talent; this is repackaging something that's worked and reselling it. I'm Michael Jackson, I have 17 platinum albums, I know about talent! Sure Quincy Jones may say he writes most of my songs, but we all know the truth.
Dan Brown, you can lick my balls and call Newfoundland, you talentless prick! You owe me $22.
User Reviews
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-05 13:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this book, nor did I watch the movie. Thank you for this review. I believe it to be wholly accurate.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-09-05 12:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-13 05:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2005-03-04 15:14:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
priceless!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-03-04 14:35:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-04 10:26:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Because it's true. The davinci code has a TERRIBLE ending.
I hear they're making a movie of it too
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Well, that guarantees it will be nothing like the book....
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-04 14:34:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shamone
Submitted by BedOfHog (user info) at 2005-03-04 13:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you really spend too much time on this alter.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-04 13:28:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
here fucking here.
ill written tripe.
jealous as fuck though.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-04 12:54:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you know that over 80% of the population of Newfoudland is made up of squid? It's true. I read it in Vanity Fair.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-04 12:10:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaaaaaa...spot fucking on man.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:58:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the most insightful thing I've ever read by MJ. But you have to admit it was fun to read the book just to see what kind of bullshit these people are taking so seriously.
Shamone!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:41:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:38:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy has made over $100 million from this. He's doing something right.
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Seriously . . . I guess all you have to do to get rich-quick is find a new way to piss off all those damn religious fundamentalists you hear so much about.
Those idiots will throw money at you, just to be able to tell you how much you suck.
(Personally, I downloaded the book not-so-legally. Suck on THAT, Dan Brown!)
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy has made over $100 million from this. He's doing something right.
I read that book in about 4 hours. There really isn't that much to it.
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:23:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The fact that everyone and their anus read these books pisses me off. Cock pillow!
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:12:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
I may just have to buy some of your albums now Michael.
This review was dead on.
(BTW - How's the trial going?)
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Pretty good, I had all the Mexicans kicked off the jury.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I may just have to buy some of your albums now Michael.
This review was dead on.
(BTW - How's the trial going?)
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-03-04 11:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I"d pay some money to see that "elegant" crapping.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-04 10:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cock pillow.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-03-04 10:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because it's true. The davinci code has a TERRIBLE ending.
I hear they're making a movie of it too
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-03-04 10:25:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cock pillow!!!
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-03-04 10:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
lick my balls and call ME Newfoundland - it's my new catch phrase and probably the title of my next album
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-04 10:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant!