The Flying Carton of Piss (687 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.47 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HZRD (View user info) at 2005-03-04 12:30:51 EST
I was only out-of-school-suspended once. It wasn't like the time when I hit the superintendent of our school in the head with an orange, it wasn't when I played the "Penis" game during the State Exams or the time I got caught making out with a girl instead of being in class by the techer herself. It wasn't even the time I was in the back of the Senior Class photo, but that is what started it. Let me elaborate.
I was wasting time during English class, where we were going over The Catcher and the Rye, which I had ready already and understood better than my idiot teacher. So I walked through the courtyard to go to the lunchroom to get a soda from the vending machine. It was a usual thing for me, this soda ritual: buy a Dr. Pepper, chug on way back to class, sleep in back.
This time it was different though, the Senior Class photo was being taken out there. I had no idea the can of trouble and bullshit I was about to open.
"Pssst, hey HZRD, over here!" I looked around at the people in the crowd. I saw my rather petite (now lesbian) friend Angie (soooo hot!) so I went over to where she was standing in the back. "Put me on your shoulders!" she said. I complied.
I heard this dipshit kid whisper "Get the fuck out of the picture, HZRD!" More heads turned around. The three photos were snapped.
I didn't consider it a big deal at all, but when those pictures came back and you could see half of my face in two of the three of them, people were FURIOUS. I had senior people in the hallway literally knocking me over. I had the entire hockey team ready to kill me. I got threatening phone calls. All of my other senior friends turned their back on me, I remember my best friend clearly saying "You're on your own, dude" and walking away, not speaking to me for weeks.
The student council talked to the assistant principal and even though she thought it was ludicrous, she gave me in-school-suspension for three days. I thought it was over. Boy how wrong I was.
My first day back, I was still getting dirty looks. I made it through to lunchtime without any major confrontations... actually no one touched me up until then. I guess this dirtbag Joe was obviously still holding a grudge. I was sitting at my lunch table eating my sadwitch when suddenly, what I thought was a carton of juice hit my sweater. Who the fuck? I looked over at the loser table, and there was Joe, pointing and laughing, saying "Fuck you, you stupid bastard!" I smelled tmy sweater... something smelled weird. I looked down at the table where the "juice" had spilled. It was PISS! That fucking coke-sniffing, poor-ass, I-suck-at-at-life motherfucker had just made a huge mistake.
I saw red. I leapt up from my table, ran and flew into the air, tackling Joe who was on the other side of his table. I gave him haymaker after haymaker after haymaker. His friend Jason tried like hell to pull me off, but much like Joe, I gave Jason a broken nose.
What an asshole, I had pee AND blood on my favorite sweater now. At least I got to spend the rest of the week at home and a free trip to the school psychologist (just to make sure I could come back to school). The principal even shook my hand for "hitting that scumbag. Well done." He "still had to suspend me for the rest of the week, of course."
Needless to say, no one fucked with me about the damn picture after that. I wish I bought a yearbook that year so I could scan it and show it to you; they chose a picture that showed literally one of my Asiatic eyes hidden underneath Angie.
Small town idiots.
User Reviews
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-05 08:50:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i know it's the catcher in the rye
i own a copy and i read it obsessively as a teen
real men don't proofread
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-03-04 23:19:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds Familiar
A thousand years ago I was suspended from high school(3days), for having a Mad Magazine on
my music stand, during "yearbook picture time". Besides the 3 days, I lost "1st chair" for
the rest of the year(alto/tenor sax).I went on to play with Blue Velvet,Al Hirt and Cal
Tjader....so fuck-m-all!
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-03-04 17:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The Catcher and the Rye? Wow you DO know the book well! So well you don't even know the damned title. Not only was this story boring, it was hard to read and just generally crap :)
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-04 17:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
damn, someone got FUBAR'd.
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2005-03-04 16:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-03-04 16:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's nice work my friend. Leaves marks for months!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-03-04 16:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha,face RAWKED!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-03-04 14:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-03-04 14:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was little, my older brother refilled my sister's empty perfume bottle with his piss.
Yup, she used it.
Yup, my mom whooped his ass.
Submitted by BedOfHog (user info) at 2005-03-04 13:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I reminisce to "Little Monsters".
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-03-04 13:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-03-04 13:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sounds to me like you got your shit PWNED.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-03-04 13:03:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What kind of ghey-ass school did you go to that threw a fit like that over part of your non-senior face being in their precious photo?
Losers
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-03-04 12:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He threw piss at you for being in a yearbook picture? What a fag.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-03-04 12:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
me and my best friend used to fill up expired condoms with piss (we had found a dumpster full of em) and launch them in people's cars as they drove by. good times.
Submitted by grandturismo (user info) at 2005-03-04 12:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gud..GUD!
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-03-04 12:31:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah, I was a Junior at the time. Stupid afterthoughts.