Smokey's Long Lost Brother, Smolder (402 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ikebomber (View user info) at 2005-03-05 02:03:09 EST
From http://ikebomber.net/posts/smolder.html
Being a complete tool has never stopped Smokey the Bear from teaching us all about campfire safety, putting out cigarettes, and holding a shovel in an awkward manner. Smokey is nature's version of that kid that tried to stop you from feeding the frogs firecrackers because it was "mean". Smokey says it makes him uncomfortable when you pee off the bridge. Smokey doesn't get laid much.
Smokey says that only you can prevent forest fires, so everything's pretty much fucked while you're not around.
You know that Smokey sucks; he's what causes your girlfriend to demand that every campfire be put out with a gallon of water 3 times, despite the raging typhoon. What you don't know is that Smokey has an estranged, cool twin brother named Smolder. They were separated in early childhood when Smolder bitch-slapped Smokey, then lit him on fire with a Zippo. While Smokey whored himself out to the National Forest Service to create lame slogans that idiots put on their bumpers, Smolder created a large, heavily polluting industrial plant in the middle of the forest. He made a shitload of money. He threw big parties that everyone came to.
Smolder the Bear says, "You, and only you, can burn down an entire national park."
Smolder is a pyromaniac bear. He burns forests the way Paris Hilton has looped sex on my computer screen. He shits gasoline and flicks his cigarettes at the nearest dried leaves. Smolder knocks over large trees to bridge firewalls, and attacks the firefighters for being such lame party poopers. He makes napalm in his basement. He cracks good jokes about your sister. Smolder carries a flamethrower.
Smolder the Bear says, "Start several forest fires at once; they're much harder to contain that way."
Shortly after Smokey cries pathetically over all of the poor little animals trapped in the fire, Smolder laughs maniacally and tears their flesh apart with fearsome claws and gruesome teeth in a display of uninhibited animalistic aggression while the world around him collapses into fiery apocalypse. Smolder is the Alphabear. The Supra-Ursus. Smolder is Smokey's Tyler Durden. His balls are at least three times bigger. Smolder is awesome.
Smolder the Bear says, "Would you rather be good, or would you rather be awesome?"
Smolder would love you for going to sleep in the tent without putting out your out-of-control bonfire, if he wasn't too busy eating you alive through your sleeping bag. Every female bear, in spite of herself, wants Smolder to father her children. Hell, most of the girls I know want that too. "You burn me up inside, Smolder," they say, "just like you did to those 400,000 acres of virgin forest."
Smolder calls me up drunk sometimes. "What's going on, Smoldey?" I ask.
"You know," he answers in his gruff, slurred voice. "When you can't drink any more Jack Daniels, it makes a great starter fluid."
"I hear that about starter fluid too."
"Yeah, but you don't find that on incompetent and recently mauled hunters, now do you? Keep abusing matches, my man. I'll catch you later; this time all of Pennsylvania's going up."
You have to hand it to him: Smolder the Bear rules.
So start a forest fire today. Arson is only a crime if someone lives through it to tell on you.
Rock on, Smolder.
User Reviews
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-03-05 07:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-03-05 05:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dirty ol' smolder
Submitted by DamianD (user info) at 2005-03-05 04:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for the pic
Submitted by Wallstreet (user info) at 2005-03-05 02:37:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
peeners and baginers