C.U.N.T., For the Consideration of: all others need not apply (1194 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 0.23 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bonehead (View user info) at 2005-03-06 01:31:35 EST
C.U.N.T. Bulletin #2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/61095
Something in my own eyes made me stop. The mirror was trying to penetrate my half clothed body, emphasizing every inconsistency, almost taunting me. I tried to laugh back, but it twisted my face into grimace. There came a knock on my door, and turning away from the mirror, I finished dressing and headed into the hallway.
My smile masked me, playing its way instinctively upon my lips, spreading to the rest of my face and everyone was smiling back as I walked by. I saw people mouthing "hello," but all I could hear was the sound of chalk on an old blackboard.
As I looked around, there were too many other kids crammed in the classroom to count. I was light headed from the closeness. My view of the outside world through the single window was obstructed by two other students using the sill as a makeshift desk. Above their heads I could see it was a bright day, causing a mist to rise from the still empty fields.
Our teacher, like all the others, wore an old black skullcap and blue overcoat. He seemed to me particularly old though, and the best part of my day was watching the tuft of grayish-white beard on the bottom of his chin vibrate as he lectured. As he finished reciting the poem for the day, he paused then turned to scrawl something upon the board.
"Where ever there is gold, it will shine."
That night was the last time I ever saw my father. He was sitting in front of our home, his old eyes sunken and lost. He had just come in from the field, and was calming himself by chewing on a cigarette butt the way he did at the end of every day, moving it back and forth in his mouth to some tacit rhythm. I had a small bag in my hands and was trying to convince him I would be O.K. He could hardly look at me and my mother had hidden herself inside and wouldn't come out to say goodbye. My older brother had departed for overseas work two years earlier and we hadn't heard from him since. I said I would be home again but my father either didn't believe me or didn't hear me.
I didn't have enough money to make it all the way to the coast, so I stopped half-way until I could save enough money to go further. The first few weeks were the hardest. The city was big and seemed dark all the time. Jobs were scarce, and I had to take the first thing that came, if only because it offered me concealment from the outside. It was a dump, but as I had no experience, no friends, and only one change of clothes, being picky wasn't a priority. The money was slow and I felt violated. I had to give whatever was asked of me. I didn't know if the tears were because I had lost my home or because I was losing myself.
When I saved up enough, I was able to buy new clothes, and new clothes were the gateway to a better job and a better life. I should have kept moving, continued to the coast, continued towards my dreams but work was easy and a new friend helped me find another job making twice as much in one night. If I could save up a little more money now, that would make the next few years easier. So I stayed. Two years later, I found myself on the sixth floor of the nicest hotel in the city.
The waiter stood at the door before me. As I approached, he knocked on the door, and a voice from inside permitted entrance. The door was opened for me, and I entered alone. Passing the bathroom and into the main room I saw a middle aged man sitting on the edge of a bed amidst a haze of fragrant smoke, chewing on a cigarette butt. Time froze, and then he smiled.
A tea tray was delivered a moment later, and I began to take off the man's jacket as the waiter was leaving the room. He continued to smile as he laid down, the end of the cigarette still rolling slowly between his front teeth. It wasn't like me, it wasn't professional, to stay silent so long, but my heart seemed to have stopped beating, how could I speak? I took off his shoes, socks, rolled up his pant legs and began to massage his feet. I wasn't looking at him, I wasn't smiling, my mind was spinning.
"Skip the feet."
I nodded and started to rub his calves, working my way up past his knees and to his thighs. He reached out and slipped his hand around my back. I stopped massaging him and finally looked into his eyes. A mother's soft cheeks, nose, and eyes outlined by a father's strong face reflected back to me. Grabbing the cigarette from his mouth, I pushed him back down onto the bed.
I stood up. I left.
User Reviews
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-25 01:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about me
User id: 15921
Registered on or around: 2005-01-28 08:18:08
# Messages posted: 1
# Reviews written: 500
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 26
# Hits: 531
Average rating of all messages: 0.23
If you searched out this post because you were wondering whatever happened to boneface, I welcome you to my farewell message, ironically enough placed as an addendum to my first and only post. My departure, much like my arrival, has come rather unexpectedly, and it seems I must discontinue my involvement with Ubersite. Will I ever be back? I suppose if I once again find myself raking in roughly $6 U.S. for 8-10 hours a day to sit in front of a computer, I may be compelled to return. Otherwise, I believe the time has come to hit the rank button, and click the little "x" in the corner for the last time.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-03-23 03:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-19 08:54:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-11 03:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I will consider making some revisions. I would like to get some more content up too, but it seems I may have to take a bit of an Uber hiatus. I will continue to be a C.U.N.T. as long as possible though.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-03-11 03:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
somebody suggested reposting stuff following cunt reviews.
it might not be a bad idea, if the author felt like it.
there is no doubt just a few little additions could make this much closer to what you wanted to convey. eg, rice paddies rather than fields. and, for me at least, you definitely need to somehow show the back and forwards in time thing more clearly. but not too clearly or mechanically.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-10 19:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Teeph, I think your comment about having a novels worth was the best compliment I received. Thank you, but I don't think I'm focused enough to actually write a whole novel. I do have a lot of ideas though.
Come to think of it, I should have wrote the "Wherever there is gold.." line in the original language, and then just put the translation in brackets. The only problem is the teacher writes it, and ubersite isn't so friendly with the written form of this language.
I'm glad you knew that it wasn't her father too, that was kind of the key point to the story.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-10 15:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"for the time being, i'd sort of vaguely imagined the school and farm as being in rural america maybe 50 or a hundred years ago."
-Shandy
That is DEFINITELY the feeling I got as well.
Suggestion: If you wanted to have this set in a third world country, what about having the teacher (with his distinctive beard - "twitching" or whatever you used hit ME wrong, but others liked it - in any event it stayed with me.) greet his students in Spanish, or Swahili, or some language that would immediately make that connection (or even French if Caul is reading this - ZING!) with a third-world country? Pick the place, google the language OF said place, then google common phrases IN that language and you should be golden. Twenty minutes, tops.
I can't say why or how, but I did NOT get the feeling that it was ACTUALLY her (even though I initially thought it would be "his" (who knew "Boneface" was a girl?)) father.
I understood that it was only someone who reminded her of him, but I noticed that others missed that point (which in turn, made me wonder if I was reading it wrong - ah, sweet vindication!). I just wish I could point to HOW I knew it, in order to help you clarify the point. Right now, I got nothin'. Sorry.
I'm a little hurt that you didn't address my "there is an etire novel in the details you left out" line of thought, though. Could have sworn that I was on to something there. You are damaging my exagerated notions of self-worth in terms of inate psychoanalitical ability.
But, you know, whatever.
Now if SHANDY would get off his ass and address the whopping one or two C.U.N.T. reviews he has received.
Is this thing dying already?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-03-10 14:56:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that is really fascinating boneface.
hopefully tomorrow morning i'll have a chance to do a bit of cuntubering.
for the time being, i'd sort of vaguely imagined the school and farm as being in rural america maybe 50 or a hundred years ago.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-10 08:08:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Excellent reviews. It is funny reading where people were confused and I think that is understandable, because those are the spots where I either changed something or mulled about whether or not it should be changed. I had a rough piece worked out without an ending that sat for a week. I sat down, drank a beer, erased the last paragraph and a half, and then ripped off the last part basically from "skip the feet" on.
First, I wonder if what Seb mentioned as cryptic is the same thing that others referred to as "dreamlike?" I think I tend to leave out bigger details sometimes, and I don't know if it harmed this piece or not. The two biggest things were that "I," as far as the story is concerned, am a girl who becomes a masseuse/sex worker. The other, is that you have to imagine a third world setting. I hoped that would come out better. Also, the first two paragraphs are in the present, and then as she is walking down the hallway of the hotel to meet the customer, she flashes back to her old school. This was originally a much more obvious, and much more cliche transition. It still kind of bothered me how I left it though.
Also, I had originally planned on going every two paragraphs between present and flashback, but even I got confused by that. I didn't know if I should space differently for that kind of thing, but Apollo seems to have done a much better job of that kind of separation in his piece.
To me, the biggest piece of imagery was the father chewing on the cigarette. It seemed like a rather odd character habit, and I tried to add some extra description to it so it would stick in the reader's mind better. When she enters the room with the customer, it isn't her father, but when she sees him chewing the cigarette butt the same way her father did, she is immediately reminded of her family. This is compounded by the uneasiness she had looking herself over in the mirror. When she finally sees her own face in the man's eyes, she realizes how far she has strayed from herself.
Does she go back home, continue on, stay at the hotel? I thought about continuing this, hoping that would clear up some questions. The "gold... shine" and family aspects are underlying themes, but I feel that they are important to a better understanding of the character and setting. And I agree with C1ndy that the pacing may have been awkward. It didn't seem to build enough for me, but no one else mentioned that specifically.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-10 04:09:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I meant to get to that earlier, but life kind of took a little twist this week. My uber hours are falling rapidly! Check back in a few hours...
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-03-10 03:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i hope you're going to make some comments on this yourself bonehead, at some stage.
some of the imagery seems to have stayed in my head, so it must be quite strong.
definite dream-like quality.
Submitted by Naery (user info) at 2005-03-07 13:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
CUNT Review:
It may be that you were going for something like a movie preview with this, like it cuts in right at the middle, and goes a little way, then cuts out to something different, goes a little way, then ends. That's kind of how this felt to me. I wasn't sure who the people were, there was very little character development, and I wasn't sure what... how can I say this... well, i just wasn't sure.
On the other hand, I really liked the lack of specificity (is that actually a word) at the end, with what *exactly* the kid's profession was. I mean, there's the immediate assumption, and then there's a few other possibilities. I liked how that was left unclear.
I'm not sure why I like the vagueness of the latter but not the vagueness of the former. Sorry.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-03-07 05:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I started reading the first couple of reviews, and then remembered that I'm not sposed to, so I'm gonna try not let them influence my comments...
-----------------------------------------------------------
For what it's worth:
I'm a bit confused really, but I also like a few things about the piece:
- There are certain segments that make for awesome reading, but are really different from each other. There isn't realy a 'flow', it's more like several different pieces that have been welded together to make one story. Loads of different directions, most of them really interesting and well written, but as a whole it doen't really go anywhere.
- I don't know why, but I thought it was a guy the whole time, which made me really confused as to how he could be a prostitute at the end.
- A little wordy at times. Some parts needed the visual imagery explained with as much verve as you gave it, others didn't need as much overemphasis. Maybe next time see read through the finished piece one extra time, and see where you can craft your copy by taking some words away here and there.
- That being said, there were parts where your visual imagery was fantastic. Chewing cigarettes, vibrating beard, those are a couple of instances where I could really see what was happening in my own mind. Use those as a guide.
In my (very humble) opinion you have great potential to give us some well-written, intriguing pieces, but this one doesn't do a coherent enough job for that.
Keep going, I think with the advice you'll get from some of the more heavyweight authors on this site, you'll come along nicely..
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-03-07 05:31:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not read the other reviews as agreed.
C.U.N.T REVIEW :
I have been thinking about this quite a bit.
Read it a couple of times then left to ruminate a while.
Some very nice turns of phrase that are unfortuantely tainted every now and then by cliche.
I suppose the first thing that popped into my mind after reading was "So?" and "How come?".
How does he not recognise his daughter? Is this set in the modern day? If so why the poverty and lack of jobs? McDonalds are always hiring. Needs to be more reason for the prostitution.
Although having said that, the old style clothing of the teacher suggest the past.
It is not very clear. It did have stream of conciousness style about it which I liked but I just don't know.
I certainly don't dislike the piece, not sure if I like it though - if you know what I mean.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-03-06 17:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
CUNT REPLY
I've been thinking about this for a couple of minutes. I think this is the kind of thing my english teacher would like. But not because of it's quality, if you see what I mean. I think that the style seems very false, as if you're trying to reach a sort of semi-poetic prose, but you fall short. Or rather, you go too far.
I find this too cryptic for my liking. What are you trying to achieve with this? Is this piece of writing for your own, inner-looking benefit, are you trying to figure things out by reliving them, or is there a message you want to send? I find that this style is what I would adopt if I a) didn't know what I was talking about and b) wasn't sure about myself.
Try writing in a simpler, more solid style. You can still seem poetic, but there's poetic and then there's cryptic. And *then* there's intelligent cryptic and there's tedious cryptic. Guess where I'd say this went.
You've got a good voice to this though; I like the narrative voice. But the style just makes me wanna take my brain out and iron it straight again.
I'd be interested in reading what you write later though.
-seb
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-03-06 17:29:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
on the other hand, it also can read as rather sad.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-03-06 17:25:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm rather puzzled by this, and will be very curious to know what you were aiming for.
the language seemed a bit akward or peculiar to begin with, and I found myself trying to figure out what was going on. what mirror? what hallway? where is the narrator coming from and what is he or she going into this classroom for?
i liked the description of the classroom, the aspects of it you chose to describe were interesting and unconventional, and evoked a scene very well.
then we jumped into a different world, which appeared to tell a story of someone leaving an impoverished home, becoming some peculiar sort of whore, and then having dad, now prosperous, turn up for a foot rub.
at first i read this as a sureal dream-like symbolic sort of thing, not a story per se.
but reading it again i wondered if maybe it was attempting to tell a lineal story:
-child at home gets ready for school in morning
-child at school
-that night is child's last night at home
-child sets off into world, becomes whore, rubs dad's feet
i've read it several times and i'm still not sure what's going on. i just noticed the category you chose: "humour, dumb jobs" and read it again, and did actually find it kind of funny.
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2005-03-06 16:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It should be noted that my attention span is usually very short after I've gotten through the weekend.
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2005-03-06 16:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
CUNT REVIEW
In all honesty I read the first few lines and then just skimmed to the end with minimal comprehension. I just lost interest due to the abundance of description.
Basically what I got from this passage is this: A guy is separated from his dad at a young age and becomes a gay jiggalo. On one of his tricks he meets his dad again when preparing to give him a handjob, and leaves in disgust.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-03-06 15:55:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The first few paragraphs seemed rather rambling and pointless. It could have been dropped without losing much. I would have liked to know a bit more about the narrator, but not in the fashion that you started out as. I'll be back after mulling some things over, mmmmmkay?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-06 09:44:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
P.U.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-03-06 09:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Comes off as a little wordy at times. I think that there are other ways into your character's head without trying to sound "above and beyond," or with the use of superfluous rhetoric. You make good use of setting, and I liked the imagery. The sort of story I'd like to read a sequel to. Almost reads like a movie treatment, which, in my case, is a good thing.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-03-06 05:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really don't like the first four paragraphs - maybe I'm being particularly dense this morning but I don't think they sit well with the rest of the story at all. Everything from "Wherever there is gold it will shine" onwards rocks pretty fucking hard though - I love it when someone writes something that makes me say "Fuck." halfway through. "Skip the feet" did it for me in this one.
If you'd posted anything else I would be reading it right about now.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-06 05:07:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
cunt review:
I would not normally have read this past the first paragraph- my heart sinks when I read things with this kind of wordy, intense prose. But I did read it.I also would not normally have read a piece on here 3 or 4 times, which I did- all in honour of your C.U.N.T review.
So, I think the structure of your story is nice, and some of the imagery is beautiful, particularly the line about the face of the father reflected in the narrator.
I think the pace of this piece could be worked on- the reader does not have enough time to build up sympathy for the protagonist (if you want sympathy?), and the writing is maybe too flowery and descriptive for your gritty story, in places.
I enjoyed this- I'm glad I persevered.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-06 03:03:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll tell you what I think of this later---going out of town in the morning.
My eyes grow heavy with each passing letter, only to close on the light of today.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-03-06 02:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
C.U.N.T. review -
A field of roses with weeds throughout.
First, you have a gift for turning a phrase. Some of your lines here were realy, really good (maybe overly-dramatic, but I tend to like that, so, good). But it just seemed like I was reading: beautiful line, beautiful line, beautiful line, cliche, beautiful line . . .
Then there were things that just didn't agree with me.
Unfortunately, many of them were at the beginning.
"Something in my own eyes made me stop." - "my own eyes?" Why "own"? Setting up to the mirror thing? If so, you've lost me before you even get to the mirror.
The next two paragraphs, while confusing, don't seem to have any corelation to the rest of the story.
I also disliked nearly everything about the teacher. "Like all others" and "He seemed to me particularly old 'though'" hit me as rather clumsy. But, then again, I'm drunk.
The story really picks up after here, and I'm left with the feeling that there could be a novel in the details you left out.
I'm thinking, "Wherever there is gold, it will shine" is a rather signficant line here, but, as "you" left the hotel room, did "you" feel like you were shining?
Gah. I'm going back to the comment about there being a novel in the details you left out.
I'll hit this again when I'm sober to see if the impression is different.
And don't take all this too hard . . . it was a "field of roses," remember.