Virginity, Gooch, and a Camwhore. (1131 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.47 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Parkinsuns (View user info) at 2005-03-06 06:43:57 EST
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-02-04 09:06:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
I cannot believe that someone has actually stumbled upon uber and made a decent coherent post. Sure, Loren could go through this with her red marker but who cares? There was a beginning middle and end.
Now with our luck, this guy will probably post bestiality from here on out. Or pictures of redheads.
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So I'm now an uber-user for a few days over a month. I realize that's piss on a plate to most of you who have been here long enough to make Magellan's trip around the world, but here comes my first official shit-post. Yes, I know its quite un-Thursday. No, I don't care. I'm new anyway, why should I know any better?
The following is the story of me losing my virginity. Don't worry, I wouldn't read your story either.
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It started out the perfect high school romance. A friend of a friend, a voice on the phone before we even met, butterflies in the stomach during the first date, and all the mushy stuff that goes along with it. If you want more on that, I'm sure others have written great stories about it. Read them and then continue on.
Fast forward a few weeks ahead. It's Valentines Day, and we weren't together. "Why oh why" you ask? She's up at her older sister's, who is left alone with the hubby on a business trip. (Did someone say a threesome with a side of incest? I'll take two please.)
Being the typical Jersey boy I am, I get a little upset that I'm away from her on said Hallmark-created day. She pleads with said sister to put me up for the night, which is granted. Pretty soon I'm pushing my '86 Blazer S10 with the rusted out floorboard (which I had nicknamed "the slut - everyone gets a ride") down the interstate towards my goal.
So after about an hour of driving, getting lost (fuck you, mapquest) and getting found again, I arrive at the house. We make some small talk and everything is going surprising well. We watched a movie or two, sent the very energetic toddler running' around to bed, and the night just got better from then on.
What would two 17 year olds do when they are blessed with the presence of a great host who just happens to be older than 21? We drank, and drank heavily. For some reason or another, I had this idea that I had to out drink the both of them combined. I found myself consuming a bunch of <enter name of hard liquor here> on the rocks, which made the hours pass quickly.
Her sister excused herself to a night of drunken slumber, and the two of us attempted to slow dance through our intoxication.
In what seemed like the pimp-move of the century, I whispered into her ear "I love you". We embraced, she grabbed me by the wrist and we headed upstairs.
We stumbled into a room that was supposed to be occupied by a seven year old girl. The eldest daughter of my host was spending time with relatives, so her room was now our room. We both collapsed on the bed and began a drunken make-out session. Clothes were ripped off and I made my best attempt to stay calm. The hormones in the room probably would have choked any normal person, but it drove us to keep going.
It was then that I ran into a brick wall. I had done everything right so far; bed, girl, alcohol, but still I was missing something. That's when my memory kicked in to the "birds and the bees" talk my father had given me. I had advanced my units of action closer to victory than they had ever come before, yet I had forgotten my armor.
I made a made half naked dash in the cold to my truck, getting the condoms I'd been holding onto for God knows how long.
Back upstairs I ran with most extreme expectation, years of practicing by myself were finally going to pay off. I opened the door to the dark room, looked upon my beautiful princess who was lying naked in the bed, and more importantly, passed out asleep.
Some may have let the night end there, but not I. Oh no, my friends, a few quick slaps to the face and we're back in action. Foreplay was almost non-existent at this point, and soon I found myself attempting to penetrate. Note the keyword of the last sentence was attempted. Perhaps it was the alcohol, perhaps it was my lack of experience, but I simply could not find the hole. Not even in multiple choice formats. All the hours of watching porn, and I never once saw this problem addressed once. Maybe I'll be alone on this one, but I almost gave up in frustration.
My partner must have been slightly more experienced than I, because I soon found myself on my back. The work was being done for me; I simply laid back in enjoyment.
Everything that night seemed like it had taken place over an extended period of time and this was no different. I laughed at myself because I was under the impression that I was reaching climax in little more than five minutes. In reality, this was probably more around the range of one or two.
The deed being done, I was dismounted. I threw the used condom, somewhere in the room (bad choice, very bad choice) and lay back down. All seemed right with the world. I felt more satisfied than ever before, and it didn't bother me one bit that my partner was far from it.
A few minutes later she got up and headed to the bathroom. I supposed this might even be something usual to do, as I suddenly got the urge to urinate as well. I contemplated getting up to do so, but that's when I heard something I definitely did not expect.
You can get some sounds mixed up. I know in movies the sounds you actually hear are created by objects that are sometimes the opposite of what they are portraying. Others still, stick out with no room for mistakes. What I heard was one of the latter, the sound of vomiting.
I found her face down in the toilet bowl, taking gasping breaths between waves of puke. Was I that bad? Suddenly I remembered that we had just consumed dangerous amounts of alcohol, and placed the blame squarely upon it. Being the romantic I am, I even held her hair for her. It was the least I could do.
She spent some more time in the bathroom and brushed her teeth. We took a breath of fresh, or as fresh as Jersey air can get, outside before heading back upstairs. A few minutes back in bed, she turned and looked at me. I could tell something was on her mind.
"Are you hungry?"
This was coming from the girl who'd just puked up enough to feed a small African tribe for a month; I didn't think food was high on the priority list. I gave her a confused look.
"Yea sure, I'll take a sandwich or something."
Lose your virginity with minimal work and get a sandwich? Pfft, this girls a keeper.
"No, no, I mean, you wanna eat me?"
Still, with her coming outright and asking me, it took me a few moments to process the request. I went down on her the best I knew how. Apparently porn let me down again, as clit biting and slapping don't seem to go over so well in a real life situation. I pride myself in being a quick learner, and I soon shifted techniques and may have done some good things. We switched places and soon I was getting off quickly once more. I had to look up "gooch" on urbandictionary days later to fully conceive was she was doing to me that felt so mysteriously good.
Still, the story goes on. Yes, this was a long night.
Afterward the need to piss hit me again, and came on strong. As I walked to the bathroom she asked if she could "watch me". This was just about as odd as it sounds, as while she watched on in wonderment when urine came out of my penis. I even made the show exciting, by arching the stream and drawing designs in the water of the bowl.
So there we were, me pissing, her standing in the doorway, when the host walked out of her room. She simply looked at us. I peered out the door after finishing to see what was going on. I could see she was trying to deduce the situation in her half awaken state. After coming to some sort of conclusion, she simply turned around and went back into her room.
I decided now was a good time to put some clothes on, and passed out for the remainder of the night. I awoke sometime nearing the afternoon of the next day to the sound of "Wiggles" blasting from the TV downstairs. I grabbed the things I brought with me that were laying around the house, and left.
I was told a few days later, the girl whose room we had requisitioned for the night found something very interesting. Her mother didn't expect to have that conversation with her daughter for a few years, but now seemed a good a time as any.
O well, better she know about protection too early rather than too late.
P.S.- Yes, the girl in question is an uber-user of some popularity. It doesn't matter, the story is just for shits and giggles. Oh, and I -2'd your mom.
......What?....I'm lost......
Who could say no to this drunk bastard anyway? (Photo taken about the same time as story took place)
User Reviews
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-03-07 02:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah...
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2005-03-07 01:35:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That looks like what Chloe Sevigny would look like if she were a dude.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-03-06 21:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gooch?
+2
You're hot.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-03-06 20:09:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely done
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-03-06 19:40:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-03-06 11:33:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I must agree with Shlongy.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-03-06 11:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Thanks? Actually I'm German. Mother's maiden name = Naughbauer"
what is your social security number, legal street address, and date of birth?...just curious.
I am not sure what my comment has to do with this post.
Are you wearing a ballcap jacked like a wigger?
do you call your car stereo a system?
do you refer to your friends as "dawg"?
Submitted by PlaguedByMurphy (user info) at 2005-03-06 10:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-03-06 10:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-06 09:25:26 (#)
Ranking: 1
The story was mildly entertaining but I find it hard to believe that the guy in that picture has fucked anything other than his own hand.
Color me skeptical.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-03-06 10:09:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I refuse to believe that you are German.
Sorry. You are Italian. Accept it. Embrace it. Own it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-03-06 09:25:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The story was mildly entertaining but I find it hard to believe that the guy in that picture has fucked anything other than his own hand.
Color me skeptical.
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2005-03-06 09:21:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by Parkinsuns (user info) at 2005-03-06 08:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-06 08:03:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
You look Italian.
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Thanks? Actually I'm German. Mother's maiden name = Naughbauer
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-03-06 08:03:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You look Italian.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-06 07:49:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Parkinsuns (user info) at 2005-03-06 07:39:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-06 07:24:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I'd just like to add that I could say no to THAT. I mean ... gahhhhh.
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Don't lie to yourself. It's okay to give in to the truth.
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Dude, no offense, but seriously - GAHHHHHHHHHH...
Submitted by Parkinsuns (user info) at 2005-03-06 07:39:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-06 07:24:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I'd just like to add that I could say no to THAT. I mean ... gahhhhh.
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Don't lie to yourself. It's okay to give in to the truth.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-06 07:24:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I'd just like to add that I could say no to THAT. I mean ... gahhhhh.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-06 07:23:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You deserve a +2 for making me imagine her sister coming out of her room half asleep, staring at you for a few moments with her eyes half closed, and then just turning around and going back to her room.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-03-06 07:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment