My Landlord can eat my dingleberries! (692 hits)
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Submitted by Grin (View user info) at 2005-03-06 14:48:52 EST
Not my present landlord, he does a pretty good job of providing a nice place to live. No, I'm refering to the landlord I had when I first moved to Halifax. When I first began living on my own, I was staying in a room in a house near the downtown area. It was Hell on Earth. It was cramped, it was small, it was impossible to keep clean. But today we'll focus on the landlord.
He was a hipocrite:
He had an adamant hatred for large corporations and did everything to keep money out of them. Or so he'd have you believe if you were a moron. He owned a car, lived in a house, worked for the film corporation, used consumer products, he...kept money in corporations. In fact, the only way to keep money out of large corporations is to live in a cave, grow your own food and use your own two feet to get around. Not only that, but he was an adamant vegetarian (more on this later), but when I made my special chili for a pot luck at work, guess who's hanging around the kitchen, commenting on the delicious aroma of my meat loaded meal and admitting it was appetizing?
He was a pig:
Okay, I admit. I can be pretty lazy. I'll leave dishes in the sink for a while before I wash them, and I've had to throw out things that were turning blue in my fridge. But you know what? I have a limit. Those dishes are seldom in there longer than one evening. And I haven't had much call to wrestle with anything growing arms and legs in my fridge. Bob, on the other hand, would leave his entire cookware, caked in food, in the sink for WEEKS! Many is the time I had to move 20 dishes out of the sink to wash my five.
This, of course, attracts vermin. Which I think is a violation of tenant law. First it was fruit flies. I had a number of these buzzing around as I tried to mind my own business in my room. Want to hear something grosser? The day before I moved out, he looks at me non-chalantly and says:
"Seen any mice?"
I think: Oh for Christ's sake. I say: "No."
He then proceeds to show me droppings in the pantry. Oh joy! Coupled with the fact that he constantly looked like a panhandler (going so far as to wear exactly the same clothes for weeks on end. Yes, that was plural) and I'm amazed I didn't catch anything.
He was a hippy:
Okay, I'm a carnivore. I have no, pardon the pun, beef with Vegetarians. If you respect my choice to eat meat, I'll respect your choice not to. We may not agree, but there's no need to get into a fight over it. He, on the other hand, found every opportunity to try and jam his philosophy down my throat. Not just about vegetarianism, too. He also tried to force his political beliefs on me. Do you know where he got his information to fuel his philosophy? From that oh-so-reputable news source, The Daily Show with John Stewart. This is not a news show, they do not report the news, and they have said such on the air. They are a comedy show. They are a satire. They BARELY touch on actual politics. You cannot formulate an opinion of George W Bush if your only exposure to him is a show that makes fart jokes. And I really don't appreciate being dragged into political/theological/vegetarian discussions when I just want to get a bag of chips from my cupboard.
He was a bigot:
I am Roman Catholic. I am by no means a "Bible thumper." I am very open minded and accept people no matter what their religious beliefs. I have had friends who were Hindu, Wicca, Atheist, Presbytarian, Baptist, Muslim, etc. Bob was a Bhuddist. And he would go on and on and on and on about how great his religion was and how every other was wrong. He formulated his opinion on the Jews (from which he converted, I'd like to add) from The Passion of The Christ. And what follows is an actual exchange between us.
"Well I don't understand Islam, but all Muslims are terrorists and the Koran preaches nothing but terrorism." Keep in mind I work closely with Muslims.
"Have you actually read the Koran?"
"No."
So, in reality, you're formulating a racist opinion based on the actions of a few bad apples like Al-Qaeda. Guess what, you close minded asshole, not every Muslim is running around declaring a Jihad. And for someone who is so keen on Bhuddism, you ignore the underlying rule of it and all religions: Acceptance of your fellow man.
His daughters were no better. His eldest (16) was even lazier than he, leaving her laundry untouched in both machines for a week. Forcing me to move it when I wanted to do my own laundry. She and his youngest (13) constantly forgot not to enter my room without permission. And since I had a private bathroom adjoining my room, they always found a way to do this just as I was coming out of the shower.
Bob, if you and your kids are reading this, you can eat the biggest scab on my ever chaffing testicles with a side of dingleberries and wash it down with a tall glass of spooge.
User Reviews
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-03-31 21:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not changing his clothes for weeks reminds me of my current landlord.
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2005-03-31 21:03:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always a pleasure reading Grin's posts.
Submitted by urbaneruralite (user info) at 2005-03-06 23:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not sure why I think this is informative, but it might be for those that have not rented a room, etc.
Submitted by negativesid (user info) at 2005-03-06 17:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was good.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-03-06 16:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
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